I'm Over It!

I don't care if its not even "officially" winter yet.... I'M OVER IT!

Two storms in three days! Its ridiculous and obnoxious. My car is a big igloo and I can't lift my arms higher than my shoulders from all the shoveling. Its not nice white fluffy snow either, its chunks of dirty, icy, gross, salty snow.

I can usually hold off until after the holiday festivities until my S.A.D kicks in, but this year its hitting me full force way too early. What we have right now is the snow that lingers, dirty and icy for weeks and weeks until you can't remember what it looks like without snow. My commute time has doubled seeing as I have to shuffle like an 80 year old along the icy paths to the T. I split open my elbow the other night as I slipped taking out the trash and whacked my elbow on the shingled side of my apartment building to catch myself. I've ruined my old Uggs, which by the way, DO NOT keep out water. If Santa knows what's good for her, there will be snow boots under the tree.

I haven't written in a while, and I don't think its because nothing has been happening, which is the case half of the time, but because I haven't been able to focus. I've given in to writing a rambling, bitching post, because I miss seeing new things on here.

The last post was a quote from G. The past three months have been a rough journey with him, and recently he's decided to take a post oversees for a year. In two weeks, most of the difficulty that is our relationship, or lack there of, will be eradicated. I don't really know what I'm doing in this situation, but he seemed like he needed a friend, and I can never be that person who turns her back on people. Maybe I should be, but I haven't gotten there yet.

I like to think he appreciated it, but I really don't think he does. I'm just another nuisance in his life, but he doesn't think twice about calling me and venting about the girl. I only get annoyed or hurt when he doesn't treat ME like a friend, but I've learned that most people in his situation can't see beyond themselves. (cough-J all last year- cough).

Despite all this I'm still looking forward to Christmas. Work is busy busy busy, which is good because I can pick up some Overtime, which I desperately need.

D is still in the back ground, but far back, but to be honest, I don't really have time to see him and the snow makes everything difficult.

Just working through stuff. Gotta get my act together for the New Year.

So I Don't Forget

"I know this is hard on you because I never cared enough about you to be this upset over you."

Just a Typical Wednesday

If you were to walk by my desk/cube right now you would see me trying to fix my french manicure with white-out, my right hand still faintly tinged blue from yesterday's mishap with my ink bottle, while nursing a GIGANTIC paper cut on my left index finger.

All in all its a pretty good day.

Oh did I also mention because I was overheated on the T this morning I took off my red pea coat and folded it over my arm, only to find that my new cream cable knit sweater had shed all over it. It looked like I let a litter of angora kittens sleep on it last night. The sweater isn't even fuzzy! No matter how hard i try to look professional, I always manage to sport a slight disheveled look. The uncontrollable wrinkles, the fuzz, the wind blown hair. I'm a mess.

And yes, I did get white-out all over my keyboard and fingers, and no, the manicure looks no better.

Sigh....

Throw Back Weekend

Thanksgiving weekend has always been a strange weekend. Wednesday night always has served as an unofficial high school reunion. Its fun, but has always been bizarre.

There was my first kiss on Thanksgiving Eve, then the subsequent staking by my "first kiss" the same night only five years later, another found SR and I in line for the bathroom at the only bar in our home town being berated by a former classmate for not telling her she was fat in high school. We weren't quite sure how to respond. I mean what do you say? I thought you knew?

I mean I could say the same thing back. Why didn't you tell me that wearing old sweaters found in my dad's closet wasn't cool and that wearing my sport's team warm up suit more than once a week was a no no. (Yes I was a jock.) I had to wait for freshman year at college for the wake-up call. Then I knew no brown shoes with a predominately black outfit, not boots with short sleeve T-shirts and jockey undies were not sexy. Although I think that last one could have gone without the constant mocking. Thanks S!

Oh if only I had taken advantage of my high school body. Sigh.

So tonight might be uneventful and it might be, no one can ever be sure. Oh did I mention the Thanksgiving Eve when a friend licked the whole side of my face, chin to temple. There's photographic evidence. Most likely me screaming EEEWWWW and him laughing hysterically.

Tonight will be interesting. There is a slight rift between friends and awkwardness abounds, but whatever, I just want to have fun, get tipsy enough so as not to ruin tomorrow's food fest and hang with friends.

Saturday is the official class reunion. It has been ten years. I don't really like to say that, its pretty unfathomable, but now I have proof in the form of a party. I don't know what to expect but it should be interesting. I'm pretty much still friends with all the people I hung out with, its a phenomenon of my town. Friends for life. In fact most of my close friends I've known since before Kindergarten. Especially SR, since we've known each other since before we were born. Her mom substituted for my mom when she went on maternity leave with me.

Needless to say, I'm sure I will be ready to get back to my real life come Sunday.

Giving Thanks

I need an attitude adjustment or a good ol' fashion kick in the ass and I know it.

Everyone else knows it too.

I've been a right old miserable bitch lately and I'm not quite sure how to snap out of it, but at least I'm AWARE. That's the first step right?

Then I look out my window and its snowing. I find my face softening and smiling without being conscious. The feeling is strange, it hasn't happened much in the past couple of weeks.

Hopefully that will be the bitch slap that i need to stop feeling sorry for myself, which is pathetically exactly what I've been doing. I'm not proud of it, but it happens. I'm willing to bet it happens to everyone once in a while.

Its still slow. I feel like the kid that acts up in class because he finishes his work and is not being challenged. I'm sure work will pick up, but every now and then I wonder if I made the right choice. (Counterproductive I know.) Like I said, its not like I'm not aware.

Sometimes, being aware of how you are acting is almost worse. Then you loathe yourself more for being a selfish little brat with your feelings and that's exactly what I've been lately, a spoiled, selfish brat with no one to play with.

I'm snapping out of it today! Thanksgiving is here, albeit early, but still on its way, holiday season is abound. Pretty red holiday cups with fun blue holders are all around, I'm obsessed with Starbucks holiday cups, they're so Festive!

So I'm making myself think positive and focus on what is good in my life:

My nephew is home and healthy and getting fatter by the day. Gains weight like his father's side of the family! Cute when you're 6 weeks old, not so much when you're a 28 year old woman.

I have a steady, non-stressful job.

I have a cozy apartment.

I have great, although busy, friends.

I made up, I think, with my best friend. Its still a little awkward, but its a start.

I have nothing to be down, cranky or upset about. I will not let my hormones get the best of me and I will not get annoyed when I have nothing to do at night.

I will grow up!

Sometimes I sit there and I do feel sorry for myself and then I realize, its better being alone and not having to please anyone. I can wear my fleece pants and hooded sweatshirt, laughing stupidly out loud while watching The Office on my dvr while eating mac n' cheese and pizza rolls and chugging a huge glass of Chianti.

Ummm that is all hypothetical and in now way was that my Monday night.

But seriously, fleece pants? BEST THING EVER.

Disclaimer: This was more therapeutic for me, rather than to entertain. :-)

Writing to Write

Work is slow, I want to write, but I've got nothing.

At all.

To emphasize my point, I will let you know that I fell asleep at 9:30 last night, I awoke briefly at 1:30 to shut off the light, blow out my candle (yah fire hazard) and take off my clothes. I slept strait through until 7.

I mean everything is fine. Its just rolling right along, but very mundanely so. I do like my alone time, but there are certain times when I'm much better off if I'm distracted. My life seems to work in ebbs and flows. Right now, I'm in a serious Ebb, a month ago, I couldn't have stopped the flow with the Hover Dam. I'm thinking I prefer the flows.

I'm sure all will pick up with the fast approaching Holiday Season. I'm sure I'm the only one who is delighted that Christmas starts appearing so early. I love it! All of it!

I have talked to (texted) D. We exchanged a little yesterday, I can't get a feeling or a vibe from it. I just hope it goes back to normal. What I have with him (good sex) is something I'm not really ready to lose yet. Especially since I feel like I'm a complete disaster in relationships, so what I have with D is perfect.

I honestly do not ever see myself in a relationship. Maybe its because I've never had a normal one, I don't even know how to picture it. It just seems like some intangible concept. I know they exist, I see them around me and how they make people happy or can completely destroy them; however, I don't see me in one or happening to me.

Its a little scary, I suppose.

I'm okay on my own, but sometimes you wish you had someone with you so you're not the only one who sees how many idiots there are in this world.

Note to Self

Food before Vodka. Always.

If not, weird fights happen that you are foggy about the next day. You have that "what just happened here?" feeling. You CRAVE juice. Its strange.

Big shocker, D is "emotionally unavailable." If there is a more idiotic, cop-out term, I'd be surprised. Here's the thing though. I know that. I've know that always. Its not hard to see. Where this fight came from is beyond me. It isn't' even a fight, it was more a battle of defense mechanisms: his withdrawal and shunning of anything he deems intimate and me being sarcastic and making inappropriate jokes.

Just a tip: When he won't kiss you because its too intimate, don't say: "What is this? Pretty Woman?" and laugh. At him.

Here's the deal D. I've never asked more from you or of you. I know you have nothing more to give than what you already are giving. Maybe I have been more antagonistic than usual, but I don't know why? I didn't think I was until you pointed it out. Obviously if you were emotionally available we would have progressed beyond where we are.

I'm fine with all of it, even in my Vodka fueled haze. I like what we have. All along people have asked me, "Why are you two not dating?" and my response has been, "He's not available." I've always known, whether it be physically or emotionally. You've never been there, I've know this, accepted it and decided to take this relationship for what it is.

I'm horrible at expressing myself, and when I get into discussion about feelings and emotional availability I dig a deep hole that I don't know how to get out of. I say things I don't mean and I get trapped and spiral downward. That's what happened last night. Why couldn't I just say, "I don't NEED you to be emotionally available!"

He says he'd always be honest with me. Sometimes I find honesty overrated. Is that bad?

To be honest, I don't know how emotionally available I am at this moment. Of course its easier to be closed off. Maybe I'm shutting down too soon, but I have hopes before and things just don't pan out for me, and that's fine. Sometimes happiness just doesn't happen for people. They have to make their own and work at it and its exhausting.

So today, I'm deeply embarrassed, afraid that I have ruined something that was a pretty good situation, and effing hung over.

BOSTON, You're my Home!

All I can say right now is that its a pleasure being a Boston sports fan! I'm also proud to say that I never jumped on the band wagon. Many a teen aged summer night was spent sprawled on my couch waiting for Tim Naehring's at bat so I could swoon a little. What started with a 15 year old's crush has turned into a life-long love affair. I'm sad baseball is over for the year, but I'm happy I'll be able to get some GD sleep!

(I also loved the Patriots looooong before Brady. I have pictures of my dorm room plastered with posters of Drew Bledsoe, Yes, I said Drew Bledsoe, ask S.)

I'm sneaking down to the parade at lunch and meeting GJ, her husband is driving the white Duck in the parade.

I'm determined to get back on track in November. I've gots stories!

A Brief Reprieve.

I just came back to my desk, sat down and reached for the next thing to do. My hand clutched air and I realized: I have nothing to do. I'm not quite sure how long that will last, but for now I will relish it.

Not that I have a ton to write about, but I can't believe how long it has been since I have written. Texas was the perfect get-away and I felt a little refreshed when I returned. It was just nice to not have to get up and ride the T for a few days.

I did get (and still have) my first cold of the season, complete with a huge cold sore. Lovely. It has put any thoughts of D out of my head for this week, even though we did discuss getting together this week. Oh well! Its been almost a month since we've last hung out? Something like that. I suppose I could figure it out if i was so inclined, but I'm not.

So I guess that's where I am. Stuffy, baseball obsessed and trying to get through the work week. I'm also enjoying fall, but have yet to give up my flip flops, red toes be damned! I'm going to try to make it until November this year, or until my new Uggs come. I've been in a spending frenzy lately, and I'm starting to get knots in my stomach about credit card bills. I'm not sure why. I might as well spend my money, I don't know what I'm saving for?

I'm still in contact with G. Somehow through all this I have become his break-up buddy. Its very ironic to me, but I realized something through the whole J/WG and now G debacle. Guys just go for girls with issues. I'm not sure if they like the drama or feel they can "save" them and offer them a better life, its beyond me. I've also realized that while I'm not THE biggest fan of being alone, I can be; and I think that is something of which to be proud.

I don't feel the need to cling to whatever is thrown my way only to drop that when the next eligible thing comes along. These girls who flit from guy to guy, while stringing them all along, are a mystery to me. Why can't they just be happy on their own, letting a guy compliment their lives, rather than complete or consume it?

Whereas of course I would like to find someone to share my life with, (the key word share folks) I know if I don't, I will be okay. So many people are so petrified to be alone that they sabotage what happiness they have within themselves and who they are in order to not be alone.

Besides, its so much easier to only have to make yourself happy. I'm very easy to please: A good book, a glass of wine and some good food, makes for a happy Kate.

Long Two Weeks

Several things happened simultaneously in recent weeks.

1) My new nephew made a dramatic entrance into the world. Not being expected until Mid-November, his early arrival threw everyone off-guard and caused much anxiety. He's doing great though. I'm very excited to be a first time auntie, although his size frightens me and I probably won't be holding him until he's about 6 months old. I'll just wave at him from a safe distance.

2) My best friend decided to hate me, in the middle of the turmoil. I spent most of last week in inconsolable tears. I felt more and more pathetic as the days stretched on, crying at the drop of the hat, trying to balance a hectic work schedule, trying to fight traffic to go visit my brother and sister-in-law and then dealing with her unreasonable, selfish accusations. Being friends with someone for 26 years is tiring and when your personalities are so different, it can take a toll. Whereas she is mad at me, I'm not fighting back, I don't have the desire to make it right, right now. What I need is a well deserved break. Her first class ticket to MY life has been revoked.

3) The most trying of all the events is that G has reappeared. He called a few weeks ago and we talked. We discussed how he treated me when he met someone, we talked about that someone and how now she was treating him or using him I should say. He sad, depressed and confused. Sounds familiar. He said its Kharma for the way he's treated me, as well as, other things from his past, but I don't buy that. No on deserved to be treated like that or to feel that way. I wouldn't wish that upon anyone.

It was a good talk.

Later that week he calls again. He wants to visit, to get away. He doesn't want to come right away, he has a trip coming up. Then he says he's going to be in San Diego for the following weekend, would I come?

I'm ashamed to say I wanted to. I considered it, my finger hovered above the purchase button on some discount airfare sight. I sighed and went to bed. The next morning the prices had risen, I felt defeated, cried it out in the shower then went hiking with GJ. Before I went hiking I found out that sister-in-laws water broke. Everything was put into a different perspective. There was no knowing when the baby would arrive, I was relieved I didn't buy the ticket.

G understood, he knew he shouldn't have asked me to go there in the first place. The rest of the week was tense, BF got mad at me I cried all night, the next morning G left me an irate email that again produced tears, I left him a tear filled voicemail and got on with my day. I figured that was the end of our reconciliation and tried to focus on everything else.

Later that same day he called. He was never one to handle tears well. He listened to my explanation. I wasn't talking about him and his problems, I was talking about me and my problems. He coudln't expect to involve me to the extent that he did and not allow me to come to terms with it my own way. It wasn't about him, it was about me.

He asked me to reconsider comming to San Diego. I couldn't, not with the situation with the baby. He just didn't want to be alone. He needed a change to gain perspective. Then before I knew what I was doing (or maybe I did) I said he could come here, not thinking he actually would. It was Thursday. To buy a ticket at that short notice would be absurd.

Well absurd seems to be the right word to describe my life at this time.

He bought the ticket and was headed to Boston for the weekend. I felt a little anxious, but more about what people would say, rather than how I would feel.

There's really not too much to say about the weekend. He came, we talked, I think I helped a little. It helped me too.

My nephew showed up that Friday night, which provided a welcome distraction from the whole heaviness of the weekend, but it was fine. Just fine.

I was a little sad when he left, but I expected it. It was nice having someone around, a little bit of companionship. Nothing more will happen, I suppose I've gotten my closure.

Like I've said in the past, I'm a horrible girl friend, but the best Ex. I suppose that's not something to be proud of, but I find it so much easier to be the Ex than the GF. I'm sure that speaks volumes.

So here I am. A little down this week I suppose. I'll blame it on my poor eating/hydrating practices this week.

I'm off to Texas for a few days again to visit the married friends. It will be nice to get away, but its a little shadowed, seeing that this trip is why BF hates me right now.

Getting away is good though.

Bachelor's Apartment

For once D got out of work before 8, which meant we had more time to hang out before we both wanted to pass out. I got there around 7:30. I'm still not sure if eiter of us knew what to do with all that free time. We did the usual, talked about our days, he watched something on the stupid OJ debacle and drank. Then he decided to take a shower.

I decided to use the bathroom before he did, knowing I would regret it if I didn't. Living with three boy and growing up with two brothers I always make sure that there is toilet paper before I go. There wasn't. I looked in the usual places before I had to bother D.

"You're out of toilet paper!"

"Seriously?" He really was perplexed.

"No I'm lying, I just wanted to hold it longer."

He went to all the spots I already checked, then to his closet. I proceeded to look through the kitchenette for any scrap of material that could be used as toilet paper, but came up with nothing. Not even a napkin or a lone tissue.

He lookes helplessly at me.

"How do you have nothing!? Now I'm the one who's perplexed.

We both eye the table full of magazines, and I shake my head and wince.

"I'll have to run and get some." He decided. The night is already flying by, he still needs to shower.

"No, you shower, I'll go get some. Where do I go?"

"Its pretty far." and he names the corners. I grimace. He's right, it is far. I laugh. "Maybe I'll just go steal some from the Taj." I'm referring to the huge fancy hotel around the corner. His eyes light up.

"I dare you!" He yells.

I start to protest. The Taj is nice with a capital N and has big, huge door men.

"Don't be a wuss." He starts with the peer pressure. "C'mon, you can do it."

"I'm not going in there, I look like a bum." I was in jeans and a t-shirt and his flip flops for the long walk. Not former Ritz dress, which is what the Taj used to be.

"Where's your daring!"

"Stop trying to get me to do things I don't want to do!" I laugh.

With that I leave. I first stop at my car. Nothing in there either and I make a mental note to stash a roll in there for the future. I turn the corner and walk past the Taj. I do hate to turn down a challenge, but the Taj was just too much. I couldn't do it. I walked past quickly, eyeing the scary bouncers and turned the corner up Newbury street. I had a plan B.

I was just going to get napkins from the Starbucks. I walk in and immediatley I feel guilty. I grab a bunch of napkins and then buy a water. I AM a wuss. I basically paid 1.89 so I could go to the bathroom. I decided that since I was there I would take advantage of the restroom and real toilet paper. I tried to pry the roll off the holder in the bathroom but it wasn't budgeing. I sit down and look up. I could have sworn there was a light illuminating the cupboard that my eyes fell upon. It was seriously fate. The cupboard, which you could plainly see was typically locked, was wide open and flaunting its contents: about two dozen rolls of toilet paper.

I debated a few seconds before grabbing it and squishing it into my bag. I made my way back to D's and chucked the roll at him.

"You went to the Taj?!" He was very excited.

"No, Starbucks."

"But you stole it?"

"Well technically I bought a water."

"That's great!" He laughs.

"You're a bad influence on me. I'm a good girl!" I protest.

And then he proceeded to prove me wrong.

Smudge

I've been cutting my mornings a little close this whole week. I just haven't been leaving my house at a great time to make the T that I want to. I have to hustle through my seven minute walk and down the endless flights of stairs down to the train platform.

Because I have to hustle, I get hot, and as i descend into the depths of the Porter's Square T stop, I'm definitely "glowing". I HATE it. NO matter what the temperature is, I'm hot and uncomfortable before I get on the T.

Today was no different from every day this week, but today, instead of taking the escalator down, I decided to take the stationary stairs. Its fine going down, I don't think I would ever go up.

I get down the stairs and walk towards the platform. As I'm walking I wipe my face to rid myself of the lovely sheen that has appeared on my face. Then I catch a glimpse of the hand the I used to wipe my face. ALL OVER MY FACE.

My hand was black with dirt and grime. My eyes widen in horror and I immediately drop my head so my hair covers my face an start to panic. I defiantly must have all that dirt over my face, but I don't have a mirror. Maybe it didn't come off on my face, I think desperately and take two dirty fingers and wipe it against my arm. Two black streaks appear and I can only imagine what my face looks like.

Then I remember, because I am hyper prepared, I have face wipes. So I discretely bow take out a wipe, bow my head and precede to wipe off the soot that has covered my face. When I looked at the wipe, it was completely black with a little of my tinted moisturizer thrown in for good measure. I scrub as I hear the train pulling into the station. I feel its the best I can do, shove the wipe in my bag and turn to face the train, figuring I will know if I got it all off by the degree of strange looks I get.

I notice a striped shirt in front of me. "Oh it IS you." The striped shirt exclaimed.

I looked up with relief, eyes wide and frantically shout, "Is my face all black? Is my face all black?"

Thank goodness it was my little brother. We sometimes end up on the same train. He assured me that I had gotten off all of the black, but I couldn't help frequently swiping at my face all the way to Park Street, while helping him do his crossword.

On a different note, I've been in high avoidance mode because I have something going on that I'm not sure if I want to write about, so I haven't been able to write about anything.

It involves D, obviously and its something that may or may not happen and I'm not sure if I still want to go through with it and I'm not sure of my exact reasons for why I may or may not do it.

Strait forward no? Can you see why I'm in avoidane mode?

Detoxing

Nothing too exciting in the life of Kate at this moment.

Just detoxing from the looong weekend. I ate too much and exercised too little, but what's new. Labor Day weekend is when my hometown has their Portuguese Feast which in turn had me eating Malasadas, which is their version of fried dough, but better. I had one the size of my face, almost too hot to hold and covered in sugar. Seriously, I had it Sunday night and I'm still digesting it. Then I went back the next day for cacoila sandwiches, the Portugues version of pulled pork, but again, better. Good lord, once a year, and that's it. I can't really deprive myself of them if its only once a year.

Food consumed also included lobster, 6.99 a lb is nothing to joke about, fresh corn or "truck corn" as we call it, from the local farm and a family style Italian dinner followed by an evening of Greyhound racing.

I hate to admit that I enjoy "going to the dogs", but again, to do it once a year can't be all bad? All in moderation and I won $34 dollars.

Now its back to buisness and hopefully I'll make it to the gym tonight. I was deterred last night by a marathon texting session with D. We should be getting together tomorrow night, but again, all is subject to change.

Fall is approaching and I'm more than happy to see it on the horizon. I even got goose bumps when I went to get lunch today because it was chilly and I didn't have a coat and I've already had my first Pumpkin Latte of the season, and that only cost me 4.25. Sheesh, it might have been my one and only!

Me

Close to the End

I didn't really want to write about this, but here it goes.

I rescheduled with the personal trainer. I didn't really want to, but I cancelled the first time and she had called me twice since then, so I figured that I probably wasn't going to be able to shake them. They are like pit bulls. Actually in retrospect she some what resembled a pit bull, but I digress.

My appointment was last night at 7. From my post yesterday, you can tell I was so UP for the challenge. It was the worst day of the month for me to have this scheduled on. I had no foresight.

I arrive and we go to "talk". I just wanted it to be over with. Everything was irritating me that night. My sneakers were tight, my sports bra was riding up or down depending on the moment and my face was breaking out.

First I got to get weighed. Again, the perfect day for this seeing as I was retaining more water than the Hoover Dam. I feel it was way off. At my estimates, I am 5'6" and I fluctuate between 140 and 145 lbs. No, I'm not satisfied with that, but I don't feel like I look like I weigh that much, I've just always been very proportional.

Trainer had a different idea, once she determined my body fat percentage she announced that I was in the "high risk" category.

I blinked at her and I'm pretty sure my mouth was open a little.

"I'm sorry?"

"Yes, the high risk, it means you are more at risk for heart disease, diabetes and stroke."

I'm a size 6 people. I looked down at myself. "I really don't think I look that bad." Trying to retain some bit of self-respect.

I know that I definitely need to hit the gym and that my fat content is probably a little higher than my muscle content, but close to those diseases? I'm not buyin it.

Which is exactly what they want. For you to buy it. I don't even think she was legitimate and later my brother confirmed that the trainers at said gym are not certified. They are put through the gym's program.

I told her I mainly joined the gym for the cardio machines. I really hate the gym, but I can't afford my own elliptical, so there I am. She of course doesn't believe in cardio, so strike 75 in her book. I also told her I can't afford to sign up for sessions and I really have no goals above feeling good.

"Okay, well if you just want to do cardio, then maybe I can help you with your diet. What did you eat today."

"I had a Luna bar and Coffee with skim milk and sugar for breakfast, a light English muffin with peanut butter, a non-fat vanilla yogurt with raspberries and 100 calorie pack of Cape Cod Chips for lunch and I drink water all day. I haven't had dinner yet."

"Oh okay, well you should try not to have sugar in your coffee and drop the Cape Cod chips." and she proceeded to drone on and tell me everything I already knew. Its a damn good thing I wasn't paying for this.

She finally gave up.

I did her work out, I finished her work out, and of course I broke a sweat. I know I'm out of shape, but let me tell you, if I were really "obese" and "high risk" I wouldn't have been able to complete the first exercise.

I was very annoyed and more than a little embarrassed that this troll-like mutant was looking down on me. At least I look feminine and not like some female version of Popeye.

Grrrrr.

I wouldn't want to look like her, she frightened me.

In the end she outlined the package for me. For the unbelievably astronomical sum I could have her ridicule me. Ummm, no thanks!

UGH! I'm STILL angry.

My Sign

I should be wearing a sign today.

It would say:

Please don't joke with me. I will not get it and will probably take it personally.

Please respond immediately to any question, concern, complaint or confusion that I may direct at you. If not, I will take it personally and get very anxious and annoyed that you have forgotten me.

Please do not taunt me. I will cry.

Please do not remind me how boring and mundane my life is. I will cry.

Please know this will all be moot tomorrow when the horrible hormones are eradicated from my body.

For some reason its always a Tuesday. Always. If you would like to place it in your Outlook with the above cautions it will be reoccurring every fourth Tuesday.

Thank you for your support.

Technical Difficulties

Technical difficulties meaning I am a big fat loser and have NOTHING, I repeat NOTHING to write about.

Unless you wanted a detailed description of all the food I've eaten in the past 5 days, and trust me I don't want to relive that.

I'm sucking up the last bit of summer by being a complete sloth.

I'm tempted to text D, even though I've sworn not to until AT LEAST Wednesday, JUST for something to write about.

Whoooeee, I'm pathetic.

Today I'm in detox from the past 5 days. I've had enough water to hydrate a football team, and burning enough calories just from the walk between my desk and the bathroom.

Yay me!

What I'm Supposed to Do

I was supposed to eat healthy last night because I cancelled my trainer, (who called to reschedule about 20 minutes later BTW), but instead I walked to my brother's and ordered wings with him and his roommate. They were good and bad at the same time. Do not fear! I drank diet Coke.

Then we watched Entourage and I walked home. I figured the walk there and back would counteract the effect of the wings. ( No, I don't really think that, but we'll pretend I do.)

Today I was supposed to venture out at lunch to break up the day and get me out of office hell, but I only trudged down to the microwave and ate Easy Mac and read my book at my desk. My legs are all squirmy from lack of movement.

Tonight I'm supposed to go to the gym, but I want to hibernate. Its unseasonably cold in Boston the past two days and I don't want to do anything. It will be all I can do to handle the commute home. I'm not quite sure what is wrong with me.

I'm not supposed to feel like this! This = crummy.

I'm supposed to have an exciting new job, but mine is boring and dull. I'm supposed to make new friends, but the girls scare me. They are judgemental and slightly mean.

I'm supposed to not miss D, but I do. I'm not really sure if I miss him or if I miss having something to disrupt my day. I'm leaning toward the daily disruptions. I feel he is interchangeable.

Anyone want to disrupt my day?

Gym Rat

I joined (re-joined?) a gym last week. Its in my new area and nicer than the one I had been going to for four years when I lived in Quincy and in Cambridge actually. It made sense while I a was still at my old job, but once I quit, the commute was ridiculous.

I haven't been to the gym in 3 months. Funny to say I've actually lost weight. I have a pretty good hike everyday to and from the T and those stairs in the Porter's square T station are no joke.

I was excited to join up and start a regular routine, but they have pissed me off. I just want to sign up and pay my dues and get going.

Never that simple.

The guy who signed me up was nice enough, I think he got the hing early on when he took me on my tour and I was pretty dismissive, saying I just wanted to pay and get it over with. I could find everything myself. Then they bring up the complementary personal training session. I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but I don't like superfluous touching, nor do I like being told what to do. It seems to me that personal training is the worse combination of the two. I also have tried a session once, being convinced by C to try it and I hated it. The trainer was pompous and had this superior attitude the WHOLE TIME!

It just made me cranky and complacent.

The guy at my new gym wouldn't take no for an answer!

I can be slacker in my own life, but I can't turn down a challenge. I've been competitive and athletic all my life, a trainer would just annoy me. I like to do things my own way, on my own time.

Ask my mom. She's got the home movies to prove it. Some say "free spirit", I believe she uses the term "holy terror" and/or "bitch".

So I cancelled for tonight. I feel horribly guilty, but I'll get over it. I wanted to start tonight at the gym, but now I feel like if I show up they might notice and hunt me down and ask my why I cancelled and then make me do push-ups or run, both equally horrible in my book.

I'm off to the gym tomorrow instead. Incognito!

Shameless

So I did it. I met D in his call room.

It was hilarious, fun, exciting and scary all at once and I'm so glad I did it. I was very apprehensive all day long. It didn't help that I hadn't heard from D all day, I was almost wondering if he had forgotten. Almost.

He hadn't and texted me around 6:30 wondering if I was up for it. I had dinner plans and told him I would text him when I was done. Sometime during the dinner, with three future doctors and on significant other of a future doctor, I decided I was going to do it. They assured me that people can just walk around hospitals and nothing would happen to him or me if we were caught except extreme embarrassment. Living my life, I know I can handle extreme embarrassment. I figured it was pretty much a once in a life time opportunity and I would be kicking myself later if I didn't go for it. Sometime during dessert, D texted asking me how it was going.

Oh it was going.

We made arrangements and after a quick stop at the grocery store for, ahem, provisions, (condoms) I was on my way. I guess I should be happy he DOESN'T have provisions at the hospital meaning he doesn't lure seemingly innocent girls, such as myself, into his call-room often.

I was in the lobby, and even though I have a security badge and could probably go in and out, I wanted to be as inconspicuous as possible. I waited outside.

I could see him coming down the stairs, and I'm ashamed to say, I am now in possession of a full-fledged Doctor Fetish. I don't know what it is, but something about the way the scrubs fell around his waist, the mask hanging from his neck, even the stupid surgical cap, I was a goner. He even had Crocks on, and I didn't laugh at him.

He hustled me up stairs and into the room. It was better than I expected and had a TV, which was good because D had to run.

Apparently kids were swallowing things that night. He promised to be back in 15 mins. 30 mins and a quick nap later, he was back and lets just say: fantasy accomplished and how!

Unfortunately it did have to be a quickie seeing he was getting paged left and right, but it was more for the experience than the actual sex. Sad to say, I was there more to say I DID it, more than I was for the ultimate accomplishment.

He owes me anyway, and he knows it, he texted me this morning to say he does, but now he's gone for a week. I hope he takes that time to come up with a very very good way to make up for what he owes me.

What Would Meredith Grey Do?

D and I have been in contact pretty regularly this week. By pretty regularly I mean everyday. Each day's texts getting more naughty. What we haven't done is actually find a time to get together.

Its him, he's the one with the important schedule. I just sit around, watch TV and shoot back texts as he sends them.

As the tension builds, he tells me he is leaving for Romania for a week for a colleague's wedding. We tried to get together last night, but he wasn't getting out until late. I have to work during the day on Friday and he takes off at 6:00 PM. He won't be back until the following Saturday.

I figure its just bad luck and we can pick up where we left off when he gets back from his trip.

D has other ideas.

He is on overnight call tonight, which is why we can't get together. Well... get together normally. D has made the suggestion that I meet him late night in his private on-call room, this text was also followed by some very suggestive language.

I'm ashamed because a thrill went through me when he made the suggestion. I was surprised that my initial reaction wasn't "Oh hell no!" My reaction was "Oh God that's really hot."

D has turned me into a monster and/or hussy, depending on how you are reading this post. We haven't really set up any details, he wasn't sure if it were going to be possible and I still don't know what I'm going to do.

The main problem is that its not just HIS place of business, its OURS. I could possibly be held accountable if, god forbid, we got caught.

Isn't that what makes it exciting though?

I suppose if I ever had any Grey's Anantomy fantasies, now's the time to act them out!

UPDATE 9:30 PM: I'm doin it.

No, I'm Not Kidding

So work is still pretty slow. I have my daily duties and a few things in between, but other than that I'm pretty much left to my own devices. Which is good and bad. I have turned to the good ol' Anne of Green Gables series for my literary distraction and dirty texting to D for carnal distraction.

Yesterday I was minding my own business, swapping texts with a frisky D when a most unexpected email pops into my inbox, from G.

Now if you having been keeping track, I've heard from G ONCE since this email in March. I've sent him a few tongue and cheek emails since then, expecting no results. I was pretty shocked to see it, and my heart started to race a little. I was a little mad that it did. I guess I'm always expecting negative news when it comes to stuff like that.

So I open the email, and the first paragraph is pretty standard. I've been meaning to write, but forget. (again flattery will get you everywhere) I'm in Sacramento, rent is cheap, I start work tomorrow, blah blah blah.

Then the second paragraph: (copied)

I hate doing this but to tell you the truth you are the only other girl friend I have. So my last girlfriend lives here also, the last one from San Diego. She had her ex-boyfriend visit this weekend and so they spent the weekend together and he stayed at her place. Now her and I are still kind of intimate, by the way sorry for the details, kind of like you and I were after we broke up but I found a pair of his underwear mixed in with her laundry and I wanted an honest opinion from a girls perspective. Is it totally benign that his underwear is mixed in with her laundry or should I definitely wonder if something went on that she is not telling me. I mean if you had a guy friend stay with you would there be any reason that there underwear would be there? You know me my worst fear is someone cheating, although technically not cheating since we are not together but we promised we would say something if we were intimate with someone else. So can you give me your honest opinion of what the chance is that I should be suspicious at all? Again sorry for putting this on you, I know it might be awkward but I trust your opinion. I hope everything is well and you are happy.

G

My jaw literally hit the top of my key board. Then I laughed out loud!

I composed myself and started my response. I just said I was glad that he had written and that I'm so much happier now that we're not dragging out our relationship or lack thereof and that if it makes him feel better about writing to me about the girl he is sleeping with, I'm sleeping with someone too.

In the second paragraph I resist writing what I really want to write in response to his dilemma, which is: "Hell yes she slept with him!"

I try to be a little more diplomatic. Saying that if she promised to tell him if she was intimate with other people then he should respect that she would be truthful with him and that he should go with his gut.

I also pointed out that if this is bothering him that much then maybe this isn't the best situation for him. If he's that stressed about someone he has no claim over then he should mention it to her and either discuss maybe not seeing other people or ending in completely.

I also told him that if my ex were visiting and we were not sleeping together AND he left his underwear in my apartment, I would have thrown it out, not washed it. ICK!

I feel I wrote a good response. Dare I say mature? It just made me realized how exhausting it was to be with G sometimes. His insecurities ( not that I am with out any) were so great and overwhelming at times. I could never make him see how great he really was as a person and as a partner whether emotionally or physically. I can almost feel how much that lone pair of underwear must be driving him crazy.

I almost feel sorry for him.

In response to the fact that I'm sleeping with someone else he remarked: "Well it is good to hear you found somebody else, but no it does not make me feel better per se, but I am happy if you are happy"

Not quite sure what to make of that...

Good Times

Its unbelievable how much not hating your job makes your life better.

Waking up and not dreading the day a head of you works wonders in all aspects of your life. For the first time in a really long time I feel like my life has so much more potential! I don't feel stuck in a rut or in a funk or like nothing will ever go my way. Now that the move has past and I'm settling into the new job I just feel good!

New apartment, new routine, new gym as of yesterday; its falling into place. Now if only I could get my Registration stickers and get my parking permit I would be all set! That is the only thorn in my side.

I came to this revelation on Sunday while speeding across Buzzards Bay in a speed boat on the way back from Cuttyhunk. I had gone on a spur of the moment trip with friends to the tiny island. I was a little reluctant to go at first, feeling extremely lazy, but I pulled myself together and we were on our way. It was a gorgeous day, the kind that made it a crime to be indoors. We had anchored in the shallow harbor and dived into the icy waters from the stern of the boat. I hadn't swam in the ocean in longer than I can remember and was thrilled when I plunged into the cool saltiness of the water. It took me back about fifteen years when I spent a few night moored in the same harbor on my friend's sailboat.

As much as I resist it, I am a product of New England. Everything about the place strikes a sense of nostalgia. Just one hint of the salt waters conjured up images of sandy sun bleached summers of years past.

I can almost go as far as to say I felt rejuvenated by the water, like it provided some life-blood that I have been missing. It was as if my body knew, independent of me because when my friend asked me where we wanted to go, I replied at once that I wanted to go swimming, not even thinking about it first.

When you grow up with salt in your veins its hard to eradicate it and even though I spent time on the West Coast around some of the most beautiful beaches in the world, I will never feel as comfortable as I do on a small strip of rocky sand stretching into a calm green-blue depth of a New England beach.

I smiled to myself streaming back to the main land. I turned my head and briefly laid my tongue on the curve of my shoulder relishing the taste of salt drying visibly on my skin, tightening and redening in the sun.

Feeling your body adjust after a day in the ocean has to be one of the most satisfying feelings in the world.

Guest Abuse!

I have been living in my new apartment now for 10 days and I have managed to receive $190 dollars worth of parking tickets. Its not my fault. Okay its my fault for having a car and parking it on a street without a permit, but I blame the city of Somerville.

They are Parking Nazi's! I even had a pleasant conversation with the ticket guy explaining my situation while I was smiling and being quite charming. I thought he could cut me some slack, but no, it was a rare situation when my charm did me no good!

The DMV lost my change of address stickers for my licence and registration which I need in order to get my parking permit from the town hall. Of course, the town hall is only open until 4:00 PM on everyday except Thursday. So I can't get a parking permit until next Thursday and I can't afford another $190!

I've been using the guest pass that the apartment gets; however, it can only be used for two days during the week. Apparently Somerville has a thing against long term guests.

So my last two tickets have been for Guest Abuse! It sounds so bad!

They even have the times that my car has been in specific parking spots, I feel like I'm being watched. Its a strange thing to be causing me such anxiety. Last night I removed my car from Somerville and deposited it in Cambridge infringing on my brother's guest pass. Believe it or not, but Cambridge is much more lenient with guest passes. You may have a guest for THREE WHOLE DAYS; however, you must move you car ever 24 hours or incur a storage fee.

NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE! Its like dealing with J.

Note: I did text D this morning asking if we get to do that again. He texted back most inappropriately.

I feel dirty for liking it.

Hiding

D and I hide behind our text messages.

They allow me to be more brazen in trying to make contact and him more brazen in trying to seduce me. At this point it doesn't take much.

August is a slow month on the job, so I have been faced with a few hours of down time to try and amuse myself. After reading Pride and Prejudice for about an hour on E-Books, I got antsy and figured what do I have to lose?

I sent D a "Hey what's up" testing the waters kind of text. I wasn't really expecting much, but he did text right back. It was a brief exchange, and I wrote him off again.

The next night I received an unprompted text, which was decidedly racy. I was open to it, but the fact that I received while out to dinner with my family somewhat cooled the moment.

The next day I called him a tease and he shot back a response quickly and the text soon turn to the extremely naughty kind. Lemme tell you, that is a good way to spend a slow day at work. It was like day long foreplay.

We decided to get together that night. He was supposed to be getting out relatively early, but said we would reschedule if he couldn't. By that point, if we had to reschedule I was sure a primal scream would be coming out of my mouth.

The boy is bad!

He did get out in time and I headed over. I was afraid after all our sexually charged text messaging that it would be awkward to see each other face to face. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to live up to the hype; however, when I walked in, it was comfortable. I suppose we both knew where it was ending so there would be no doubt or confusion this time.

Not that we lunged at each other the moment I walked in though. It was nice and I didn't feel like a call girl.

He ate, we drank and talked for about an hour or so. We've always had good conversations, so that wasn't hard. He talked about the state of our country and republicans and I pretended to listen while drooling over Tom Brady's article in Details magazine, nodding at the appropriate times.

The conversation turned, the air became more sexual charged and suggestions were made. Its amazing how attracted I am to D, but have no desire to take our relationship (for lack of better word) any further. I actually laugh out loud when I think about the possibility of dating him.

No thanks!

I'm quite (let me repeat) QUITE happy with the way things went last night, several times. (Insert sly wink).

Movin Out and Movin On

At one point during the move I crossed paths with my dad, he on his way out of my nearly empty room and me on my in. He had with him some miscellaneous items that didn't make it into any boxes, a belt I never wore, the remote from my TV and a dust riddled, inside out sock.

He waves it at me.

"Been looking for this?" He's being sarcastic as usual. My mother and I are not known for our organizational skills or our neatness. He, however, is as neat and organized as they come. Think Danny Tanner (Bob Saget) from Full House, complete with Vacation Clip Boards. Unfortunately none of those traits were passed down to any of his children.

Quick example: When I started my new job in June, I needed a copy of my immunization history. I haven't had any immunizations since the summer before entering college. Um that was Ten years ago. (good lord, ten years ago). My mom and I looked around for a while and conceded we would have to call my pediatrician's office or the notice said they could give me the immunizations I couldn't prove I had already gotten. (gulp) Before we did that we employed the good' ol "Wait until your father gets home first."

He walked in the door, I posed my question, two minutes later I had a manila folder in my hand with every piece of information from my college application. Acceptance letter, confirmation of me decided to go there, all my grade reports, and best of all my immunization report. The man is a wonder.

ANYWAY

I glance at the sock and chuckle. "That's G's"

"Are you saving it as a shrine?" He shoots back.

I laugh out loud. "Toss it."

Somehow in the back of my mind I knew it was under there somewhere. When I first found it, I was too lazy to pick it up. Then when we stopped talking I knew it was still there. Now as I looked at this disgusting gym sock, covered in thick dust bunnies and hair. (I shed a lot) It struck me as perfect metaphor for our relationship.

Yes. Toss it.

Why I'm Happy I Moved (Now That Its All Over)

Reason One:

Monday night I was alone in the apartment and I realized that this is the first time I have been alone since I moved there. It wouldn't have bothered me too much, but then I peeked down cellar, (for those of you outside of the Boston area, translation: I looked downstairs into the basement) and realized that the door leading to the outside was wide open. Then I started to think how the windows do not really lock and most of them do not even have screens and that if someone actually did enter I would never hear them because my air conditioner sounds like a jet plane.

So I started freaking myself out and ran around the place jamming window shut and ultimately pushing very heavy objects against the cellar door.

My old place was so lacking in security, we're lucky we have never been burglarized! I suppose living with three guys gave me a false sense of security. I should have knows, knowing their personalities, that they would push me towards the intruder; therefore, saving themselves.

In conclusion: That apartment is a burglary waiting to happen.

Reason Two:

6:50 A.M. my phone rings. There is only one person on my phone that has his own ring and that's only because he put it there himself, J.

We already know how I feel about my phone and the early morning.

"What could you possibly want?"

"You're sleeping? Sorry buddy."

Sighing heavily and making sure my voice is optimally groggy. "My alarm doesn't go off until 7:00"

"Oh, I'm in traffic. Is my phone charger in your room?"

"Why would your charger be in my room?"

"Well I saw one in there the other night. Is that yours?"

I petrified to ask the next question. "Why were you in my room the other night?"

"Oh I let little brother sleep in your room. You don't mind right?"

"J! You could have asked me! I knew someone had been in here. Why didn't he just sleep on the couch?"

I mean little brother is not exactly a stand up citizen for many reasons I don't want to get to on this blog, but lets just say, I didn't really like the idea of a kid who takes videos on his phone of him having sex with his (underage) gf and then showing them to his older brother.

I was positively skeeved out.

"It was a million degrees out! I didn't think you would mind."

Taken advantage of again. If he would have called then I would have said yes. I would have felt horrible saying no. I also could have come home and washed all my bedding!

Good riddance!

Reason Three: (multiple)

A) Rent's Cheaper

B) I don't know my roommates life history and probably won't be subjected to their personal issues, and they probably won't hug my feet.

C) My bedroom floor does not have a slant. Seriously my mom got sea sick in my old room. I got used to it after a while and it was fun to watch things roll from one side to the other.

D) My closet is HUGE and of normal height! My pants will no longer hit the floor! Oh joy is a big closet.

I think that's it for now. I think this will be good. I'm excited to see how everything works out as time progresses.

The only thing that went wrong is I woke up with major leg cramps this morning, but that is my own fault. I'm staying away from dried apricots though. Ugh!

Moved to.... What exactly?

I'm off to move. I'm ditching work early and I'm going to move all my worldly possessions tonight.

If I never return to the blog, then I have thrown myself in front of my UHaul.

Wish me luck!

Deep Breaths

I'm stressed.

I don't like being stressed and it annoys me that I am. Everything seems to be colliding at once, boring, slow work days, moving with no immediate plan and of course hormonal issues. The latter making the former worse than they should be.

I'm sitting here at my desk, head in hand when I could be packing for a yet to be determined move date. I have a three day window, but I'm assuming the last possible second. I'm annoyed at that.

I'm antsy and anxious and I think I'm developing a tick that makes me compulsively check my cell phone, just in case that certain MIA Dr. should have texted.

He hasn't. I'm annoyed and yet still not surprised, but the difference is before I was pretty sure I would hear from him again, this time not so much. I can't explain it, it just is.

I came veeeery close to texting him last night, but refrained. I had gone out for a little while with J to celebrate his finishing the Bar, but left pretty early to escape is non-friendly, snooty law school friends. I had to take the T just on the other side of the park from where D lives. I had my phone flipped open poised to text, but said no. I descended down into the depths of the subway and cut my losses.

It was nice to paid attention too for a little while, I just made the mistake of getting used to it. As I reflect backwards on our recent interaction, (Me? Reflect and analyze? Never!?) the more I am convinced that I was not exactly out of line.

If this was the text message than started it all and in the next few weeks was followed by not one, but two suggestive pictures, than I wasn't completely off by being confused by the whole situation.

Ugh! Why can't I just find someone normal?

Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go drown my sorrows in a tomato, mozzarella and basil wrap. Mmmmm.

Pretty

I'm wearing a dress to work today. I've never worn a dress to work before, but for some reason I have bought a lot of dresses this season and its supposed to be a cool 90 degrees today so I figured why the hell not? Everyone else wears dresses to work. Its soooo comfortable.

I've also gotten three compliments today and its only 9:45.

I've never really been one to dress up. Only after college did I start buying skirts when I realized that sometimes professional women wore skirts. Then I had an epiphany! Skirts are rediculously comfortable! What I had been waiting for all my life. Now I hang out in skirts, I trapsed through Europe in skirts and my wardrobe contains more skirts than pants. A-Line is my friend. The way I'm shaped I can also buy skirts in smaller sizes than I do pants, because my waist is a lot smaller than my dreaded thigh/rear area. So buying skirts is always an ego boost.

All this comes as much irony to my mother. As her second child and first girl, I'm sure she had visions of a little complacent girl who she could dress up and fix her hair, and everyone would tell her what a beautful little girl she had.

Instead she got me.

A hellion to say the least. Her favorite comment is that they couldn't take me out of the house until I was five. I had major burns, a concussion and had my hand sucked in by a horse all before the age of two. I don't remember any of that, but the stories are pretty funny. They were all faults of my own. Well I blame the burns of my brother, but its okay I show no scars. The only memories are from pictures of my at the beach with my little right hand and foot wrapped in white bandages. The whole incident traumatized my other brother more. He wouldn't leave my mother's side for a month.

I wonder if a lot of my mishaps cause the worrying, hyper-concerned older brother I have today? The fact that my mom had to leave a screaming singed toddler with him while she found my dad, and then had him sit next to me and keep me awake when I concussed myself trying to climb into my dolls carriage probably had a little bit to do with it.

I'm completely unaffected!

My mother did try her best to make me into a little girl. By kindergarten my hair was a tangled mess down to my waist and instead of letting my mom pull it into a pony tail, braid or pig tails, I wouldn't let her touch it. Needless to say, by first grade I was sporting a neat bob.

She designated Monday as dress day. I was horrible, my mom is convinced that she is lucky that no on called DSS on dress day judging by the screams that emited from my tiny mouth as she came at me with a dress. I'll give her credit, she did prevail eventually and every Monday I was dressing in something frilly with some smocking and possibly some ribbons. My most infamous dress hating scenario is re-told every Christmas by my extended family. Mynana, who should have know better by then, had wrapped up a new dress for me. I tore into my pretty new present with anticipation on my face, but that quickly faded to disappointmen and disbelife as I opened a dress! To the amusement of my whole family, I threw the whole package on the ground and jumped up and down on it in a mini-tantrum.

I'm sure my mother had never been more proud.

Now here I am wearing a dress of my own accord, and I like it.

Not That Surprised

Well I haven't heard from D.

I guess I'm not really surprised, but I had hoped it would be different. I have fun with him and I would like to hang out with him more, but he's just so unreliable. I'm hoping it doesn't have anything to do with my behavior the other night, but I can never be sure. I'm never sure of peoples actions, why or why they don't do certain things. I never know what's going on with other people.

It tends to drive me crazy and send me into the depths of self doubt and second guessing. I let myself descend a little this weekend, but no more. I've pulled myself out.

There's no point. I knew how D operates and I have to accept that what I would do and what anyone else might do in this situation is very different and I can't control what other people do. I'm not ashamed of how I acted, I'm just annoyed at the whole thing.

I think one of the reasons that I was so anxious the other night was because I know how he operates. Seeing him twice in one week was unheard of! Who knew when I was going to see him again? I got what I wanted.

So I'm done with thinking and obsessing about it. I've done what I can, its out of my control.

I have much bigger things to obsess about. One week till moving day and I haven't even THOUGHT about it. Okay well I did order boxes, but they're not coming until tomorrow so there's really nothing I can do until then.

I'm still slightly in denial about the whole moving process. It doesn't seem real that I'm leaving my apartment in a week. I don't want to. I like it there, but I have no choice and so it must be done.

I like my new area, its really cute and has a lot of fun things around that I can walk to and explore. I think I'll like it there.

I don't really know what to think or expect from my new roommates, but hopefully I'll be able to figure them out soon.

I just wish I were already settled.

Oh My.....

I saw D last night.

I was really surprised that he actually texted me during the day, ending with "Hope to see you." I was touched, it was nice to be paid attention to and contacted within a reasonable amount of time.

I head over there, this time having time to beautify myself. We decide to go out to grab a bite to eat. A bite to eat to me means a quick appetizer somewhere low key and cheapish. To him it meant 23 Newbury, but I won't complain. Dinner was nice, we talked I had an extremely strong blueberry martini that tasted more like Robitussin rather than blueberry, fortunately for me I like Robitussin.

We walked back to his place, the night was warm and the air hot and sticky. Its the kind of sticky you can feel on your skin. My blow drying was all for nothing. Its the kind of weather that makes you instantly feel unattractive.

D is being the perfect gentleman. I'm not really sure what to make of it. I don't see D as relationship material, if he were I think we would have gone that route already. I've known him for almost two years.

Back in his apartment he mixes us huge vodka tonics and we sit at opposite ends of the couch just talking and listening to music. He offers to burn me the CD, he asks me what I'm doing this weekend. Its nice, but the tonic is strong, I know I'm getting drunk and my attraction to him is getting stronger.

He looks at me funny.

"You're pretty buzzed?"

"No I'm not." I pause, "Maybe a little?"

"Will you be able to drive? Should I call you a cab?" He's being sweet, of course my vodka soaked brain is like "is he kicking me out?" He already told me at dinner that he has two big cases the next day and he gets up at 5.

"No, I'll be fine."

"You're sure?" He looks concerned.

Now I get pissy when people try to take too much care of me. I can handle myself, but Vodka Kate gets indignant. "I'm fine, I'll just sit in my car until I can drive." I get up.

He looks at me funny, like he doesn't recognize me. "Why are you getting all pissy?"

"I'm not! I'll be fine."

"Will you text me when you get home? Do me a favor?"

I look at him, annoyed. "No?" he says?

I sigh, "I will." We walk to the door. I'm confused. Why won't he make a move? Why won't he touch me? Is he not attracted to me? This is what's making me pissy, not him per say but the fact that I can't articulate what is making me pissy and what I want.

"Okay, well drive safe."

Me still being embarrassingly sullen. "You got all weird on me." he says.

Then out of the vodka haze comes, "Well I'm not the one sending naked pictures."

He looks at me questionably again and laughs. "You're crazy."

He's right and I deflate. I decide honestly is the best route, not that I can really redeem myself or my recent behavior. I smile sheepishly. "I'm sorry its just been a while, and I'm awkward."

"What's been awhile? Since you've been physical with someone?"

I nod, extremely embarrassed.

"How long?"

"Seven months."

"Good lord!" and he grins. "You want to get naked?"

Now I'm demure. "Oh no, you have to get up early, and I didn't mean it like that." I rush out a stream of excuses, but its too late he grabs me and is backing me towards the bed.

"I just didn't want to be forceful with you." With that comment we tumble backwards.

As he commented later. "Zero months, Zero days, Zero minutes."

I'm not quite sure where that brazen hussy came from, or as I like to call her Slutty McSluterson, but it was well worth the embarrassment I felt later.

Of course I've had thoughts crop up, was I too forward? Should I have been more patient, more confident? Will I hear from him again? But when its all said and done, I got what I wanted and I sure do hope I get it again!

My New Work Delaying Obsession

As you can see from my addition to my side bar, my new obsession is Fafarzzi. Its basically a fantasy team for girls.

As much as I like my baseball, I doubt I would have the stamina or patience to manage a fantasy baseball team. This is easy and something interesting that takes up time at work. Those are all essential requirements.

And my team kicks ass!

Well....Finally

Yet another early morning text sent a possibility of hanging out with D last night. It all depended on whether or not someone would take his late call. Sure, whatever.

By 4:00 I texted to see how it was looking, I didn't want to race home shower and make myself look presentable for nothing.

He said it was looking good.

So I had it all planned. Being lazy in the morning I pretty much grabbed the only pair of pants I didn't have to iron. They were black capris, a little on the big side and not the most flattering, but comfortable. I also grabbed a bluish top that needed minimal ironing, but after I put it on I noticed that there was a weird pulling on the hem where it had been hung on the line. It looked funny, but I couldn't be bothered to change.

It seemed all day I noticed things that needed to be taken care of: errant eyebrow hair, ink stained fingers, chipped toenail, and the worst, stubbly legs. I'll take care of that tonight when I shower.

I'm just about to leave work to head home when he texts: "Don't go back to Camb. Just come here! I'm tired and have to go to the gym."

I'm horrified! I can't go right to his place, I'm hideous! Oh did I mention that I didn't dry my hair either? Oh no, I was too lazy! I was going to blow dry my hair when I got home.

He's pretty insistent, "Just come by for a drink and see my place, then we'll do something Wednesday."

"I don't think you'll want to see me Wednesday, if you see how I look now."

I contemplate, pretty sure I smell funny, but I give in. A quick pony tail and a head band and the knowledge that I have deodorant in my bag spurr me onward. I didn't look too badly in the T window, but that's a little distorted.

I gave in.

I arrive at his place in the beautiful part of Boston, instantly jealous. He answers the door, cute as always and I make a bee-line for the bathroom. I do the best I can and enter the apartment.

His place is amazing. Its a studio, but large, airy and spacious.

Nothing exciting happened, we talked for about an hour and a half. He makes me laugh and doesn't take himself too seriously. He's fun and that's what I'm looking for right now.

We left together, he on his way to the gym and me to the T to go home. It was comfortable walking with him, there's not a searing intense attraction, but its nice and I know what his body looks like under his shirt!

I was teasing him on the way and he slung his arm playfully around my neck and we just hugged goodbye at the T.

There was talk about hanging out on Wednesday, something like if 4 OR's are open, he can get off early, but if 6 are open he has to stay. Sure.... whatever..

History tells me not to keep my hopes up.

My Biggest Flaw

As much as I hate this word, there is no way else to state this: I'm shy.

There! I said it. Its not the best descriptive word there is, but its serves the purpose. I'm feeling it the most now that I've been here a month at my new/semi-new job and I have no new friends.

I'm starting to feel a little pathetic.

The majority of my friends I have known since elementary school and they're great friends and because I've had that base for as lone as I can remember its almost like I have evolved without the mechanism to make friends. I have two close friends from college, one was forced to live with me freshman year, but I'm pretty sure for the first month she though I was mute, and the second, my roommate forges the friendship and I surfed along on her coat tails. I have one friend from my time in San Diego, but she was my roommates friend first and she sort of adopted me (possibly out of pity) when that roommate moved back to Boston. Well I have another friend for San Diego, but the fact that we hooked up first and evolved as friends doesn't really count as "friend-making."

This inability really bothers me, especially when I see people who do it so effortlessly. They just have mountains of friends, their phones chime endlessly and they're never without plans, juggling several at once.

I've never been that way and I haven't felt this inadequate since my first year in college. Lucky for me fate placed S in my life, or I would have been a complete loser.

I'm friendly, I'm nice its just seems that people don't want to be my friend. I'm an introvert, I know this and I'm comfortable with this. I'm also loyal, smart, witty and funny, but you're not going to see my trying to be the life of the party or the center of attention. In groups I don't need to hear my voice, I'm perfectly content to just listen, but for some reason that never seems to be acceptable. One of my all time favorite quotes:

"If you want to know what an extrovert is thinking, just listen. If you want to know what an introvert is thinking, just ask."

If you don't talk, people think you're weird, or snobby. I know this, and while I am content to just sit and listen, I know that they are viewing me strangely so I'll sit and wage a mini-war in my head. I'll try to come up with something to say, something to contribute, but because I'm not one to struggle to have my voice heard, its just awkward.

I suppose I've given up, I don't think the girls I sit with like me much, and frankly they scare me, since they rip into everyone once they leave our area. I don't know if I could trust them.

I would want friends at work, but I guess they're not necessary. I just don't have the knack for it I suppose.

I know who I am and I do accept it. For some reason since starting this job, I have started to doubt myself and even dislike myself a little bit for not being able to make friends. Its never bothered me before, but this is the first job I've had with people close to my own age and I feel like I should have friends.

I'm sure this will pass eventually. I've always been hampered by what I feel I should do, but there really is no law about having friends at work. I'll just be the quiet new girl that no one likes.

I'm okay with that.

Little do they know that I'm quite popular in my own right, successful, fun, and hopefully, hopefully hopefully, having a rooftop dinner with a certain hot doctor this evening! (fingers crossed, I can't take many more early morning texts.) 6:45...grrrrr

6 AM

I'm not a morning person. I never was and I never will be. When people who have children talk about how little sleep they get, that scares me more than the thought of labor.

For this reason I was appalled when I received a text message at 6:00 this morning. That's AM people. Kate only has on 6 o'clock on her clock! It was partially my fault for choosing such a shrill tone for my text messages, but still! 6 AM! Really? Who would ever think that would be a good idea?

Well. D. He thought it would be a good idea.

I knew it was him as soon as the sound woke me. I think I made a half groaning/half growling sound as I flopped over in my way to comfortable bed in my 66 degree air conditioned room. (Let's just say I'm getting A back for months of roasting me during the winter.)

I resisted for a few moments, but knew I wouldn't get back to sleep, for that last precious hour, until I read it. I struggle out of bed and grab my phone. As annoyed as I was it did make me smile.

"Hey sweetie. Sorry I've been MIA, lots of calls. I'm in NYC thru late Sunday for my mom's b-day, get together Mon on Tues?"

I couldn't help myself, I let my annoyance slide. I know its pathetic, but he's cute, and trust me that picture has kept me going in this frustrating pursuit of hanging out time.

Not quite sure where he got "sweetie" from, but he is right, I am pretty sweet!

I guess Monday or Tuesday will tell.

I should start taking wagers. At this rate I call September!

Back to the Blahs

The shiny newness has seem to fade a bit on my new job. Tomorrow will be a month that I have been here.

Don't start groaning. "Oh here we go again!"

Its definitely above and beyond what my old job was. It is better. Its just not spectacular. Oh I know most jobs aren't and that's why they call it "work" and all that bull, but I couldn't help desperately wishing for something more. No, I have no idea what that I more should be, I just believe its possible and exists somewhere. Like Santa Clause and painless stilettos. Somewhere, possible over the rainbow in never-never land a job with something more exists.

Yah, I'm talking gibberish.

For now the job is fine. I have a routine, I have work to do. I'm not the best at making friends, but I try to make conversation and be nice to people.

I've just been in the worst mood for the past two days for no reason what-so-ever and it makes me sullen and distracted. Not the best mood for productive friend making. So I've put it on the back burner.

Stupid back burner is getting way to crowded now that I've added friend-making to the list. D and moving have had to shove over a little bit.

I can't even get started on D, but I have given up. The stupid metaphorical ball is in his court now!

All The Help I Can Get

"I pray for you, you know." My mom is looking at me thoughtfully. I'm just trying to enjoy the sun, minding my own business.

"You do?"

I was raised Catholic. We went to church every Sunday, no matter what. I have since grown out of that habit and I know it is a disappointment to my mother that none of us no longer go to church except for Christmas. She has given up trying to drag me out of bed and making me go. Though as anyone raise Catholic knows, you can't shake it. It follows you around and you'll find yourself doing strange things, like muttering little prayers or blessing yourself for no reason. Where as I have said my own little prayers now and again, I feel after I have, that my membership has lapsed and I'm afraid they may send a penalty rather than answer my prayer.

My mom is a good Catholic though so with her praying for me I should have a good chance.

I squint at her over my book. "Why do you pray for me?"

"Well I pray for all of you." I'm assuming she mean my brothers and me, the fallen ones. "I pray for you to meet someone nice to spend your life with."

"Oh, well that's nice, obviously I need the help."

She laughs in agreement, I try not to feel annoyed. Then she looks pensive.

"I've just been worried though about my prayer." She does look concerned.

"Why would you be worried, its a prayer?" I don't really know where this is going, but then again I never know with these types of conversations.

"Well, when I pray for you to meet someone, I haven't actually been specifying that it should be a man. So I'm worried that now you may meet a woman!" She starts laughing.

I stare at her. "Are you really worried that you may be turning me into a lesbian? Thanks a lot mom! Don't I have a say?" I start laughing too.

The ridiculousness of the conversation hits both of us and we can't stop laughing.

"Well you know its probably time for me to stop being so picky. Man, woman, who cares!? Thanks for the prayer."

"Well you seem to need all the help you can get!"

More laughter.

Thanks for the vote of confidence, mom!

Guilty

I've been neglectful.

I hate not posting, but I've been busy. Go figure. I actually haven't had time to post at work, my preferred place of posting, and when I get home I'm usually running to see an apartment or to overwhelmed with the heat to do much of anything (that was mostly last week.)

No more excuses! I've found a place, yay. Work has slowed a little bit and its raining and cooler than last week.

Has much happened? Nope!

Well okay, I did find a new place to live, but that happened an hour ago. I'm thrilled to stop looking and interviewing for places, but on the whole I'm not thrilled to be moving. I like my place. I'm sick of my roommates, except P, but I still like the place, the location and most of all my room. I'm going to miss that place.

My new place is in Somerville, but super close to Porter's square, which I love and close to my lil' brother's place. It will be good, just different and stressful at first. The only thing that gets me about this place and that I was not the first choice and my first reaction when the guy emailed me to offer me the place because the person the offered it to flaked, was to say no. "Pride cometh before the fall?" Yah my tragic flaw.

I pushed back the indignant voices saying "oh but you weren't good enough the first time!?" and allowed the rational, tired voice to come through with more comforting "Now you don't have to look anymore" and "you really did like the place" statements.

So I accepted. Done deal.

J and I are pretty much not friends anymore. I don't know how I can respect someone who would think it was perfectly OK to put me in this type of position, not even ask me how its going and just above all make me doubt my worth as a friend, person and roommate.

He's the one that needs a character adjustment and a good reality check, but I don't have the energy to deal with him anymore. In fact, I don't think he can be helped.

Its sad to lose a friend, but in the end there wasn't much friend to lose. The main thing is that most (all) of my friends are NOT in the city. I feel a little lonely. Nothing can be spur of the moment anymore. Everything has to be planned in advance. Oh well!

To new adventures in Porter's Square!