Looooong Day

Yesterday was long.

Not only did we have to go to work and get all of our tasks done, but we had to travel to another location, wear stupid ugly polyester jerseys and be friendly and out going and welcoming.

To me...that is exhausting.

It was also fun though and it really does reaffirm to me that I am working for a great cause and working at a great place with mostly great people.

The jerseys though? Ugh...I hope they don't make a repeat next year. The did nothing for me. I don't know how they expected me to catch a Boston Athlete in that get -up. Sigh, oh well, maybe next year.

The event honors all the sports teams in the area, so the Athlete spotting was the best part of the night, although it was a little lacking this year as opposed to last year when I got to take my picture with the Worlds Series trophies. Now that? That was amazing.

This year was still interesting, but instead of trying to spot Matt Cassel, (who was being honored) or Patrice Bergerone, I was on the look out for D. I didn't want to be caught unaware. I needed to look perky, friendly, busy and important all at the same time. I even considered stealing an ear piece that the events team was running around with, but refrained.

Unfortunately for me he strolled in at a later time when the business was dying down. He checked in at the line next to mine, (they were alphabetical), but he didn't see me so I called him name softly so as not to be auspicious, but to get his attention.

He hear and turned to see who it was calling him, and I can't help but to say his face almost lit up a little? I hesitate to say this, because I never think anyone is happy to see me, but it seemed like it, a little, but you know the lights were pretty bright. I don't remember what we said. I just said Hi and that it was nice to see him, but he was with colleagues, but he was sweet.

The girl I was partnered with asked me who he was. I was hesitant at first after this incident, but told her he was friend of mine that was a Dr. at the Hospital, but we had known each other since before I started working there. She was amazed he was a Doctor because she thought he looked young and that at first she thought he was one of the athletes.

I groaned inwardly. Like he needed that ego boost!

At the end I was seated at the checkout, but it wasn't busy. I saw him coming and he gave me a low hip level wave and I winked back and smiled. I thought that would be it, but he came over and jokingly asked where the men's room was so I pointed him in the direction of the ladies and teased him for not winning any auctions items.

So he did not ignore me. It was like we were actually friends. Go fig!

The night was long and I got home late and now I'm at work drooping. I finished all my work early, because I'm just that good and now I'm wishing I could go home and dreaming of what I can make for dinner. I'm thinking comfort food, but I'm at a loss for what to make.

All I know is I want my comfy clothes now because hibernating season is in full affect!

Oh Man....

It's December....

Why don't we just forget about November and my lack of attention to my little bloggie area shall we?

November was fun, frustrating and boring all at the same time. I was looking forward to a business trip to Charleston, SC that left me quite disappointed. The chance to travel was fun, it was just my travel companions that were lacking. I had high hopes, but the situation didn't allow for such hopes to be realized. That was in the middle of the month.

I made it through the Holiday weekend mostly unscathed. We'll call Saturday a "lost day". After hanging my head over the toilet for a while, my mom asked me what I had consumed and I said. "not much" but as I started the list, it kept going and ended with, "Oh yah...and there was that shot." Ugh...

I went out with people from home; people from high school. It made me want to get back to Boston, to live MY life. It was surreal being there, and most of my friends aren't exactly that nice. I think I was drinking to be comfortable. I vaguely remember talking to a girl i played sports with in high school and her looking at me confusedly, most likely because I wasn't making much sense.

The monster hangover did give me a GREAT excuse to get McD's!

So yah... It's December. I love December! I love Christmas season! Yay!

Nothing else really has happened. D has actually made the trek to my place. It was strange and I was a little thrown off by his wanting to go there, but nothing else has changed in that department.

I'm working at an event for my job tomorrow night and he will be a guest. Lovely eh? I'm the hired help and he will be in attendance at $1500 a head. Sigh... So embarrassing. I asked him flat out if he was going to ignore me. He said no, but we will see.

I still have a lot of free time at work, so I'm going to try to be more frequent in my posting. Haha, yes I know I've said that before, but I REALLY want to. I'll just write about stupid mundane stuff that no one except me really cares about. That's what a journal is all about right?

So until next time! Which will be soon!

More Adventures in Blackberrying

Yesterday I took myself and my blackberry to our 2 o'clock appointment with the help desk. I had requested that my work email be placed on my personal blackberry. I'm still not sure why? I think the reason is because I can. That sounds pretty good.

I run down to the second floor and fly through the door to where the Help office is. Someone is there before me: Hot New Guy. (forevermore known as HNG.)

Now, HNG is quite the anomaly here at work for several reasons: he's hot and he's (as far as our research has shown us) strait. (Okay two reasons). This does not happen very often. In fact, in the year and a half that I have been working here it has NOT happened. HNG has been here for 3 weeks. Have I mentioned he's hot?

Anyway! So I ask him if he's waiting and he waves his work issued blackberry at me and says that he has a 2 o'clock to drop it off to be fixed. He introduces himself and holds out his hand, I reply and to my dismay take his hand, wishing that mere moments earlier I had takes the extra 5 seconds to dry my hand completely rather than letting the rest air dry. THEY WERE CLEAN THOUGH!

He makes small talk, I gauge his height. I'm thinking about 6'1" or 6'2". I came a little above his shoulder, but I was wearing my fuck-off heals, so those put me around 5'9, 5'9.5" so he was a bit taller still. He was cute with the small talk: how long have you been here? Where were you before? He grew up in a town that houses on of the locations of where I used to work. He confessed that he played the trumpet badly in high school and lamented about the fact that he was bad at typing on his blackberry.

We were out of the closed office for about 10 mins trying to debate whether or not we should knock. Another new colleague walked by and as HNG was talking to him, I shot off a quick Blackberry message to amuse my friends up stairs.

"I'm standing outside the office with Hot New Guy." I actually wrote hot new guy, not his actual name.

"Lucky!" came the response from upstairs.

Next thing I knew we decided to knock on the door. It opened and the help lady took our phones.

"Nice to meet you!" He said and took off.

I went back to my desk and declared how cute he was and the girl I had been messaging asked me if I got her message.

"Yes! It said 'Lucky' right?"

"No! The other one when I said "Are you just talking or making out?"

"Oh no! I never got that, it must have come in AFTER they took my phone!" After that we can't stop laughing. This is just going to add to our reputation here at work, but oh well! We got a good laugh out of it.

Besides, what's the worse that could happen? HNG could find out that I find him attractive? I'm sure it wouldn't be a surprise, he HAS to know he's cute.

We kept an eye on the message, but it was never read, and then the Help Lady, (who now needs a new name like "the fuck up lady" or the "completely useless Lady") completely wiped my blackberry.

Everything. Was. Gone. Messages, texts, pictures, emails, folders, setting, vanished.

It had taken me 2 hours to get everything to where I wanted it and in mere minutes she destroyed the whole thing. Needless to say I was agitated, but there was nothing I could do, but start from scratch.

It's up to snuff now.

Except I still don't have my work email on it. SIGH........

New Toy

So I have a new toy that allows me to complete stunning acts such as this one:

"Hane I told you I love my blackberry!? :-) well I do! Fo sho! Haha... -I may also be a little tipsy...- only hope that adds to my charm!

Kate
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T" (copied and pasted)

Yes.... Lovely isn't it? It was also sent at 10:25 in the evening on Friday. I know you were probably thinking, maybe 1 or 2 in the morning. Nope, 10:25 is the new time for drunk emailing on your brand spanking new Blackberry.

Poor G. I really do feel bad for him, that he is my default for all my stupid behavior. Though that is probably better than sending that stuff to D. I had already made a fool out of myself enough with him that day.

Gosh...Someday I'll be normal, but then would that even be fun?

Stairing at the Ceiling

Sometimes I get in these moods where I can't make a decision to save my life. There are no rhyme or reason to them, just the fact that picking on way or another to go seems physically taxing.

So last night despight the pile of laundry, the shoes that need to be purchased for a wedding this weekend, the gym trip that is desperatley needed, I was flat on my back, still in my work dress stairing at my ceiling.

My mind was whirring, but nothing concrete would stick. It was just easier to lay still until it got too late to conceivably do anything on my list. So that's what I did.

Then I got up, read a magazine cover to cover, made dinner turned on the debate and promptly fell asleep. I was asleep for 10 hours. Maybe that's what my body needed, I feel a whole lot more clear today.

Things are good too! I had a great weekend, work is fine, albiet a little slow (still), I had been feeling good, until I started slacking with the gym again, but I'll get on track again, especially since I started feeling the effects.

I guess I just needed a night off.

Fall-ey

In a bid to do something to celebrate the fall, C suggested we go apple picking. I was in for many reasons: 1) I love fall, 2) I've never been before and 3) I hate having free alone time on the weekends for the most part.

The morning started a little rough when I woke up 15 minutes before I was supposed to meet everyone and by meet everyone, I mean they were all coming to my place. I must say though I thoroughly impressed myself with my speedy primping.

First we were going to my favorite breakfast place in Boston (Somerville) called the Neighborhood. I love it there and I knew that because it was fall their phenomenal pumpkin pancakes would be on the menu. So needless to say we were starting the day off right.

The trip to the farm was such a typical, New England fall drive. We took route 16 which winds its way through the towns of Newton, Wellesly and finally into Natick where the farm was located.

Belkin Family Farm was pretty much a well oiled machine and a profitable one at that, but for my first apple picking experience it was fun, although I don't think i would be able to afford it on a regular basis.

Another rear view for y'all. Please remember I only had 15 minutes to primp today, and apparently that affects the width of my ass.

I managed to some how bring home $16.00 worth of apples, but I don't remember picking that many. I think they were just really heavy!

AAAND the action shot. It was staged if you can't tell. I don't even think there was an apple in that tree.

All in all the day was fun, expensive, but fun, and now I'm pretty sure they will rot in my kitchen, just like the apples I insist on buying from the supermarket EVERY week.

(Photos courtesy of C. because I have not taken the time to upload any pictures that I have taken since I got my camera in May and the battery died the day before apple picking at my nephew's b-day party and I still have not charged it. Yes, I know I'm lazy!)

First of the Season

There are so many thing, events and experiences that could follow that title; however, it's not that fun and exciting.

No siree bob!

I have my first cold of the season! I feel like it's early, but looking back my nephew is going to be turning one on Sunday and when he was born last year, before I could go and visit him I have to suit up, bathe in anti-bacterial gel and wear a mask. This was all because I had a cold (and a cold sore, ick) so apparently I'm right on schedule.

It's pretty mild, I'm guessing that my body is easing me in to the season gently and I do appreciate it. Just the sniffles, a lot of sneeze and a very full and heavy head. There's something about having a head cold that makes me feel like a complete moron.

I'm not a fan of the runny nose and the light headedness, but what I hate most of all is that I can't smell anything and that really affects my taste.

I tried to explain this to someone at work while we were discussing pumpkin cream cheese which ended up with us both declaring our love for anything pumpkin (which on my part is probably a lie, but who am I to ruin a bonding moment). I then mentioned that I haven't had my first pumpkin latte of the season because I wanted to wait until I could taste and smell again.

She looked at me like I had four heads.

I mumble something about a cold and affecting my sense of smell and in turn my taste and I'm sure I made some hand gestures to accentuate my lack of smell, but she's still looking at me weird like I was deformed. I mean I can't be the only one this happens too right? So I hastily try to explain everything again before ducking out of the kitchen cubby which her "oookaaay" drawing out behind me. Honestly, I'm not sure why I bother making conversation with most people here.

I have my group of friends that I like and hang out with and have fun with and that seems to be enough. We also seem to be the only group at work which in turn has earned us quite the reputation. Apparently we're the gossip group that talks about every one's clothes.

In a way that is true, but when you dress like and idiot, you're begging to be talked about and there are some doozies at work! I won't say that we don't gossip about work, but c'mon! Who doesn't?

Mostly, and I've been through this before, people get jealous of people when other people seem to be having more fun than they are. I feel that people get a bad rap for no reason when other people are jealous of them. We're all young, smart, attractive girls and when we're seen having fun, laughing and enjoying ourselves, I suppose we are drawing attention to ourselves and people feel threatened.

Personally, I find it flattering! We're not doing anything wrong besides enjoying ourselves.

For me, coming from where I did and feeling that work was always a chore; it is unbelievable refreshing to enjoy coming to work in the morning.

What can I say? It's hard when everyone wants to BE you, but there are worse things they could want to be! I mean people can look down their noses at us and talk about us, but if they had the opportunity to BE us, they would jump at it.

It's not easy being popular, but some one's got to be.

Hahaha! You know you all love me! ;-)

Back on Track (At Least for this Week)

What is it about fall that makes you want to change everything and do it right? For most people it seems that Spring is time for rebirth and New Years calls for reinvention, but for me it's fall. It has always been fall. As much as I love summer, the heat gets to me. I like being cold. I love feeling a cold breeze on my face when I sleep and have been knows to sleep with my windows thrown open until mid December.

The air has finally begun turn. I know the warm weather isn't done for yet in this weird weather region, but we've definitely been feeling cool dry fall temperatures, especially in the morning and I find them invigorating more than depressing. (Although talk to me on January 2nd and I'll be singing a different tune.) I'm good until the mid 50's, then I want to press pause; no lower thank you!

The summer made me sluggish and now I'm feeling the affects of it. I feel out of shape and chubby and I hate that feeling. I know when I've crossed that line and I know how to fix it, so I turned back to my routine this week. No more flopping on my stomach to read for two hours when I get home from work. I'm off to the gym now or lifting at home. It's tough though, I'm pretty sore, but it's a good sore, a feeling I haven't had for a while. It makes me feel like I'm doing something.

Like most things with me, it's the initial getting there that is daunting. The same with writing. How many times have I had the same conversation: (In my head of course)

"Just write something!"

But what?

It doesn't matter just start babbling

I have nothing interesting to say.

Who cares? It's for you and you don't care if you're interesting. You know as soon as you start you will flow. Who cares if it isn't cohesive and juicy. This is for you!

As usual, I was right. Decide for yourself which "me" was right!

So I'm in a routine, which is good for me. I told myself unless I have plans, I need to do something active. I've regulated my diet, which makes me feel better too and like I have some control. Not to mention searching for new recipes to try sucks up some of the down time at work and there has definitely been a lot of that.

Everything else has been a little slow. I've been text tagging with D for about a month now and now he's in Greece. Don't get me started on that. I wish I could just up and go where ever I wanted, but alas I cannot and I must live vicariously through him, which I hate doing.

G and I have not been talking. He says he's been extremely busy and I believe him, but I also think he hasn't been making the same effort as he used to. We got in a fight a few weeks ago, and since then he's kinda written me off. It wasn't even a fight really. I said something stupid. He (in my opinion) overreacted and since then has pretty much been in sporadic contact.

There's nothing I can really do. Do I regret what I said? Sure. Only because it was stupid and petty and had no bearing on our friendship, but you know what? I screw up. A lot and if I'm not allowed to screw up now and again with out that kind of reaction then I'm not exactly sure how stable our friendship is to being with.

All I can say is it must be nice to know you have a friend who will always be there for you no matter what time, what situation and how you treat them. I wish I knew what that was like. It's a little mind boggling too seeing as he knows what it's like to be treated that way.

Anyway! Enough about that bull shit! I understand he's swamped and busy and all that stuff and I know consciously he doesn't mean to ignore me, and I shouldn't project that fact that I just want to matter to someone onto him. Some day I would like to be a priority in some one's life; whether friend or relationship.

Enough whining for now, because I really am in a good place right now. I'm happy, if not a little bored and slightly hungry. :-)

Yes...

If someone were to ask me what I did at work this afternoon, I would have to answer that I did the Hustle.

Yes, the Hustle. And I did it well.

Strangley the Same

I just looked at my post from last year on the same day and I could probably cut and paste it verbatim right here! Well except for the texting D part because he's been a big ol' bore lately and as much as I somewhat do want to see him, it's just such a repeating pattern that I'm slowly losing interest. I don't know. It's just stagnant.

I'm not saying that if he texted and wanted to get together, I wouldn't. I'm just sick of the back and forth texting with no ending.

I haven't seen him in awhile. I lost track of how long.

Life is just rolling along. I was very busy for the last few weeks that I though I would welcome the alone time, but I was wrong. I'm very bored being left to my own devices. I'm trying not to spend money and the only activities I can think to entertain myself cost's money: Target, any mall, Whole Foods. You get the picture.

Last night I left work early, because I had been sitting, staring out the window since 2:30 and arrived in Porter's Square at 5:30. I had no idea what to do with myself, so I found myself wandering around Shaw's Supermarket, even though I didn't need a thing. After thirty minutes I emerged with a half of a pound of cocktail shrimp, two Cedarline frozen entrees (Spinach Pie and Veggie Lasagna, both of which will sit in my freezer for a good 6 months, but hey! they were on sale) and spinach and cheese rolls from the deli.

The products of an aimless mind. I also put A LOT of stuff back.

I spent an hour with the newest Cooking Light magazine before eating dinner, finished a book and the fell asleep before 10:00.

You would think I would be well rested, my head is in my hand right now. I'm lacking stimulation here at this time. It's draining. Yesterday in our team meeting we were already talking about Holiday vacation. We're very limited on the time we can take during the holiday's because it's our busiest time, so this is always a point of contention with everyone. Just thinking that far in advance made my head hurt.

On the other hand I'm looking forward to the fall. It's been chilly in the morning this week and I like it. It's a more comfortable commute. Things are moving along well. I can't complain really. Maybe I don't try hard enough or maybe I'm not "putting myself out there" whatever that means.

Things are good for the most part. I don't really have the liberty to be resentful or dissatisfied with anything. I've been blessed with a lot, more than most. I can't be ungrateful for the things I have just because of the one thing I don't.

Big Goings On

My family has been very busy this summer producing life experiences. The 35th wedding anniversary here, a pregnancy there and now an engagement.

We're not a big family, but we go big and in short amounts of time. The new baby was announced in July with and ETA of March. I'm excited and concerned at the same time. My little Neph will only be 18 months then, he didn't get mummy and daddy to himself for long, but that's okay, I plan to be the overcompensating aunt. Not that there isn't enough love to go around, we fight over him enough as it is. I'm just cautious and a little anxious. His arrival wasn't the easiest. The little bugger.

The engagement is brand new. My lil' bro popped the question just last week. I found out yesterday, they made me notice the ring. It took me a few minutes. I was expecting it and not expecting it at the same time. I think I thought I would know about it before it happened, but he was very secretive. Only my mother knew and she didn't even tell my dad. Which was a smart move because it is widely known the he sings like a canary.

The ring is beautiful and they're very happy. I think they're planning for next fall, which will be nice. I love fall weddings.

Then there's me. Keepin it real. Holding down the fort, giving my fam the little awkward piece that keeps them from being too happy, too right, too perfect. I'm fulfilling my role to a T. I don't mind, I'm willing to sacrifice my happiness for theirs. I mean it would be too perfect right? No family could sustain that for long. So I'm okay with my role.

I couldn't be more happy for them, so it feels a little selfish to think about my own life in comparison with their lives and the progression of their lives. If nothing happens for me then so be it! At least I can take comfort in the fact that I am a good sister, daughter and friend.

I fear that people may wonder what I'm thinking or are afraid that I will be resentful. The bitter spinster sister. I hope to god that I don't come off that way, but I suppose people will think what they will.

I mean I'll be the first to admit that I tend to think a little off about some subjects concerning myself.

When I told G that they were engaged, his response was:

G: Are you okay?

me: Yes of course

G: Okay just making sure

me: well besides the fact that I feel like a failure, but that's a story for another day...

G: Yeah well I figured with the way your mind works you would be feeling something like that, well we will talk tomorrow and you can get it out of your system. But you totally are not a failure.

I like and hate at the same time that he knows how I think. It embarrasses me, but it's still me. I can't help, but let that cross my mind. I guess it just shows that he does know how I think in terms of myself and he was thinking of me more than he was thinking of the actual news. It's nice to have someone like that.

Beyond my own self-issues and expectations, it's going to be an exciting year. I'm looking forward to everything because when it comes right down to it: It's not really about me.

Tired of Sharing

For some reason I was nervous on the way down. In the back of my friends SUV, I was trying to keep my dress smoothed and my hair strait. I could feel it was a losing battle. We were headed down to the Naval Academy in Newport, RI for the wedding of my former SD roommate and friend from high school. I wasn't sure why I was nervous. It would mostly be my friends, but that has been known to go badly.

I had been in touch with the third of the trio that made up the occupants of our three floor town house just minutes from the beach in SD. I hadn't seen T in about four years, but we had a pretty good relationship. He was like my BF with out the drama. More like a strait, gay boyfriend. If that makes any sense. I was looking forward to seeing him again, but I was also a little wary over the suggestive texts he had been sending. I kind of knew he had a thing for me, but I've always managed to not encourage that. I was looking forward to seeing him though, unfortunately so was M.

M and I have been friends since we were two years old. The first time I saw here there is a rumor I ran out in my skivvies to yell at her for using my smurf mobile. At the time I had no idea how much that one moment would define our relationship.

Every part of our lives is pretty much intertwined. It is hard for me to have something that is just mine. I cling to those things that are. I struggle to keep them separate. They're are mine and they are very, very few. T was one of them. M had met him once when she came to visit SD and then again when he was in Boston.

Even now thinking about this and struggling with my feelings about this whole situation, I feel silly and a little immature. Basically T was mine and I didn't really want to share him. I supposed it was silly of me to think that after four years we would fall back into old patterns, but its just the principle.

The second I told M I heard from T she emailed him. If I was talking she was interrupting. When he had to put his sword in the car, she went with him and when she was cold he gave her his jacket.

In his defense, he definitely had a better chance of scoring with M.

The wedding was so fun and I had a great time so I don't want to dwell on the fact that I was unceremoniously kicked out of my bed because M jumped in it. I just don't get it.

The fact of the matter is that I've been too giving. It's always been easier to give in than to make a scene. Which is exactly what I did, I sat up, ignored the "you're leaving" question from T and headed off to the other room. I've always been a little too prideful, but it's really all I have.

Score one more for M. Another part of my life she has successfully infiltrated.

Complacent? Content?

Last night I had a dream in which D ran his hand down my sides and said. "Wow, you're big here." I then remember yelling at him and that was about it.

I'm not fat, but I've been feeling a little different lately and I'm definitely not as slim as I have been in the past. It bothers me! When I can feel it, it really bothers me.

It does not help that I'm going out to dinner three times this week. It's restaurant week here in Boston and I have three reservations. The first being tonight. I'm excited, but now this dream is unsettling me. I know I shouldn't let it, but it's hard not to.

I love food though and I'm beyond excited to try three different places this week. I'll just have to be good during the day.

I've also been trying to figure out why I haven't been compelled to blog as much as I have in the past. That's what it has been for me in the past, a compulsion. After reading a few old posting and looking at the ebbs and flows in my posting, I came to one conclusion.

I don't write as much when I'm content.

I also realized that majority of my recent posts have been D-centric. He is one of the situations in my life that produces discord or self-doubt. He produces situations that I have to work through and writing them down, or even turning our interactions into funny anecdotes (because when you really do look at them that way they are freaking hilarious) help me to see the situation for what it is and not to be down about it or discouraged by it.

Make for some sporadic blogging too!

I have been content lately. The summer allows for me to relax and lay low. Most of my weekends have me heading to my parents house to crash at their pool. I don't stress about not having any plans and I don't want them. I much rather enjoy my free time alone. I am looking forward to the fall though.

So less blogging means I'm happy? I'm not sold on that one. Maybe less interesting because I'm doing nothing or there seems to be a lack of drama. I'm also not sold on the fact that that is a good thing. A little drama never hurt anyone. A very little!

So I guess my question for myself is if I am content or just complacent. Should I try harder? I tell myself I am content and that, mainly with personal relationships, it will happen when I'm ready, but is that necessarily true? Should I be actively pursuing something? I don't feel it really, the need to find someone. I'm not sure if that's the fear blanketed in complacency talking or the fact that I really do just like it better by myself.

I've been reflecting on a lot of the same questions lately, that one in particular really stands out.

Complacent vs. Content.

People say you have to work for what you want. I supposed the first step to that is to figure out what exactly it is that I want before I can go out and get it. I don't' really expect it to fall in my lap, but I don't know if i have the energy or steel resolve to go out and take the punches necessary to achieve it.

So here I am. Anxiously content or relaxed complacence.

Considering

I'm back from my vacation. Well I've been back a week, but I haven't been able to sit down and coherently put my thoughts on to paper.

Because my vacation was good... great in fact... Considering.

My Grandmother passed away the day we were leaving. Well she actually passed away while we were already there, but the chain of events started that morning when we were getting ready to leave.

This was a family vacation, a return to our family vacation spot to celebrate my parents 35th wedding anniversary. While her death was unexpected in the sense that it happened quickly, she had been deteriorating mentally for a while now and I'm sure the distressed her to no end. We weren't very close, but I'm still harboring guilt because I wasn't very emotional about her passing. I felt worse for my dad who had been looking forward to the vacation since February when we booked the house.

I supposed I delayed any sort of writing or talking about my vacation because I feel awkward proclaiming... "oh my vacation was great, well considering..." I don't take sympathy well, just like I don't take compliments or affection. I suppose it has something do to with being paid attention to when I would rather fade into the background. I've always been that way. Except for sports for some reason, go figure.

I've been back for a week now and the vacation was good, it was nice spending time with my family, especially my nephew. I tried to ignore the fact that it was just me and I was delegated the "kids room" that contained bunk beds and a pull out futon. It's pretty much for the left over guests. I couldn't sleep in that room for some reason and most of the week found me on a random couch somewhere else in the house. That was strange to me because I am usually a good sleeper.

I got a great tan, relaxed, finished some book, cooked and ate great food and laughed a lot. A week was definitely not long enough though.

I've been back at work a week and its SO SLOW! I'm finishing most of my work before 11:00 A.M. Its mind numbingly boring. It was like this last summer, but I was new then, so I was a little more lenient, but this summer I want to pull my hair out from the boredom. Even now this post is boring me. Its also making me feel a little anxious too, so that's never good, especially since I've started thinking about my future (or lack thereof). I get accused of being negative, even though I'm only being realistic.

So it may not happen for me. I've accepted that, do I think that's a definite? No. I haven't given up hope, but I'm also not going to sit there and think that someone is going to come around and rescue me. I have a pretty good feeling I'm going to be taking care of myself for a while and not get the comfort of joint finances.

Yah, I'm hormonal.. so what? You gotta problem with that?

The Future?

"I thought I wouldn't have to deal with this for another 20 or so years?" I was perched on his brown leather sofa, enjoying the coolness seep into my legs after my hot walk from the T.

"Neither did I." He retorted.

He was lying on the love seat, pillow behind his back grimacing every so often. He had already demonstrated how he has to stand crooked and walk with a slight limp.

"Does this happen often?" I asked. He grimaced again and shifted his position.

"No, but it has happened before. I'll be fine."

"Are you sure? You don't look fine!" I start to laugh, I couldn't help it. The more I think of it our encounters become more and more surreal.

Here I am on his couch after a month and he is laid up with his back out. The last time we hooked up, I left and three hours later was half dead on my bathroom floor. I was surprised, sitting there, that I was able to choke down the vodka tonic when the last time it unceremoniously left my body in a not fun way.

"I'm glad you think this is funny!" He growls.

I bite back the smile and try to look sympathetic, but I can't do it. I'm wondering why he thought this would be a good idea in the first place. This day, when he's in pain, after exactly 4 weeks of not talking.

His first text was funny to. "Hey, long time no talk. You get a boyfriend or something, no longer in need of my services? lol!"

Very strange, but there I was, on the couch not exactly sure how to proceed.

"I'll be okay!" He promised. I'll chalk it up to another first for me, but I would feel horrible if he hurt himself more. "We may have to stand up." He muses. I blush.

In the end it worked out well, god knows how he felt the next day, but that's really not my concern. He's a big boy, he knows his limits.

Plus, in his profession he has access to the good drugs.



PS. Off to the Cape for a FULL WEEKS VACATION! HOLY HELL! I can't remember the last time that this has happened while I was employed!

Behind

I came to a realization today while eating lunch with the girls I work with. It was not an epiphany or something I have never realized before, but for some reason this time it is sticking more with me. I feel I have to take some sort of action soon, before I start to feel like a failure.

A woman who works where I work walked into the lunch room, stayed for a bit and contributed to the conversation and then left.

The ensuing comments were. "Doesn't she always look nice and put together?" and "She's always so professional looking."

And she is. She always looks unrumpled, put together, sleek is a good word to describe her. I on the other hand spend 2o minutes ironing my linen skirt only to get to work looking like I stepped out of the wringer. Sigh.

The last question came from me. "How old is she?" They contemplate the question for a few seconds. "28" was the reply.

"Really!?" I'm incredulous. Not that she looks old, or that I look younger than her. I just FEEL younger, but that's not necessarily a good thing.

"Yah, She's making pretty good money for a 28 year old."

I briefly put my head in my hands, silently bemoaning the fact that I am old and completely unaccomplished and definitely NOT making "good money for a 29 year old."

Now I'm wondering where I went wrong. I like my job, but I know I should not be in this position with my education, potential, skill level and age. I think I was so desperate last year to get A job, any job, that I jumped in with out realizing what the position would entail. Not to say that I'm above the position, I most definitely am not, but all the girls I work with have the potential to do more, we're just not given the chance.

Anyway!

I'm not sure what to do. I'm curious as to what the people I work with think. I'm 29 and decidedly below the levels of the other 29 year old's I work with and I feel a little silly at times. I mean I have my master's for goodness sake! What a waste!

I don't have anyone to blame, but myself. Mostly I'm angry with myself for staying so long at my last job. I atrophied there. I had no job growth, no training, no cultivation. What I had to last year when I left was start from scratch, work my way up again. I was entry level.

There is a four year gap now from that other job where I was in a black hole of misery, with my career standing still.

I'm not sure what to do about it now. Maybe I just don't have the potential. Maybe I'm not quick enough or smart enough or savvy enough to get to that level.

I've never had huge career goals. I don't know why, I just never developed them. I just blindly went through the motions of college, job, graduate school and more jobs, but never really working towards somewhere specific.

Now here I am at 29 and it doesn't look like I'm going have much else to focus on anytime soon (i.e. marriage, family) that I should take more interest in my career. I need to discover how I want to spend my days, what will make me happy, what I am good at.

I don't really know where or how to start, but it is something I've been thinking about seriously lately. I just don't know how to focus my energy there because nothing jumps out at me. I can't sit down and think about what I want to do and get a valid response. Yes, I would love to run a cafe/book store, but in reality I have no idea how to run a business, how to cook for masses, and where to even start. Not to mention I have no money! Dreams will stay just that.

I suppose that should be my main goal for my thirtieth year.

I won't say fine my life's purpose. Goodness, how contrived.

What I want to find is what I can to that will make me happy and satisfied and proud. Is it possible? Is it out there? I'm honestly not exactly sure. Maybe, like a relationship, a satisfying career just isn't in the cards for me.

I've described my life as "vanilla" before, (re. mediocre) and the older I get and the more I see how my life is progressing, the more I see that as true. Maybe that's the life that has been laid out for me. Nothing impressive or remarkable. Just a steady, boring, vanilla life.

Everyone wants to be extraordinary and to spectacular things, but there has to be a yin to that yang.

It's quite possible that I am part of the yin.

Confusion

This wasn't the first time I have had to do it, but this was the first time I thought it possible to have different results, the first time my hand was shaking so much I had trouble actually executing it. It would also be the first time the cause would be muddy, confused and actually unknown.

It made me feel a little.... Oh I'll just say it! Dirty, whorish and a little bit of a slut.

Two possible outcomes, two possible contributers to said out come.

Before I was always knew what the result would be, but when ones body is not behaving as it normally should, one would like a little back up proof. It was almost a novelty, the gravety of the situation never quite hitting me. Oh look it me! I have to take a test, how grown up of me.

This time, my hand shook, my stomach clenched and I had trouble sleeping. This time I had screwed up possibly, had not used the proper precautions, not that it was the first time, but this was the first time that I might have to pay for it and deal with the question of who else would pay?

I tried not to think of the consequences of who I would rather be in the mess with, or of what it would mean to be me in this situation. Its been done, but could it be done by me?

I wouldn't want pity, I told myself. I would be able to do this with minimal help. Proud to a fault. I straitened my spine and tried to hold the butterflies at bay. I wouldn't need either one. One might actually go for that rationalization, the other would not. If I could chose I would chose the latter.

As I'm sitting here now spitting out the half thoughts and rationalizations that have plagued me this week, begging to be extricated from my head, it seems silly.

Always a good test taker, I was relieved to have failed this one. Crisis averted, realizations made and resolutions to be more careful set in stone.

Its not the first time my body has played tricks on me, but it was the first time I had reason to believe it might not just be a trick.

Crisis averted, but not forgotten.

Good Day

Today will be a good day. There are many reasons for it to be a good day and I will keep reminding myself.

First and foremost. Yay Celtics! #17 in dominant fashion. Not to mention no more late games! Kevin Garnet is amazing to watch. He's just so......tall. I might incorporate chest thumping and head slapping into my daily work routine.

The T was almost empty and I wasn't hot getting on. The temperature was perfect and the air was dry on my walk which means I didn't waste 10 minutes blow drying my hair today. I can't tell you how much that makes me feel good, to be able to glance at yourself in the T window and not want to gag.

Today was also free coffee day. There is a little coffee stand in the basement of my building and I go there every morning because it is convenient and the woman who works there knows I always get a medium coffee. The coffee is above average and every tenth coffee is free! Today was my tenth coffee.

I do have to keep reminding myself that is the little things that make good days out of mediocre days. I've been fighting the melancholy this week. Even the usually pick me ups haven't been helping because I'm coming off a wicked stomach virus that wiped me out last week and food isn't appealing to me. I mean I eat, but there's nothing that I crave. I'm still exhausted from the three days of puking, abdominal pains and fever. Even now I could probably lay my head down on my key board and pass out.

I'm going through the motions though. I met R last night for dinner by the waterfront. Its so nice down there. I need to spend more time in that area. After I met friends for trivia, but I wasn't into it.

Even though I want to wallow, I'm not allowing myself. I'll get my energy back soon.

Why is it always when you're sick do you realize, "Wait a minute? There is no one right now who cares that my insides are turning upside down and I can't lay still because the pain is making me writhe?"

All I wanted was some Ginger Ale and some saltines and Tylenol since my ibuprofen was making me hurl. I had no one to get that for me. So of course I pulled on my jeans, tugged my ratty t-shirt over my head and went to the grocery store. I only had to pause in the isles a few time so as not to fall over. Lucky for me I live in a very eclectic area, so I wasn't exactly out of the norm.

I'm a big girl and I know how to take care of myself.

Its just sometimes you don't want to or don't want to have to.

Sticky

Here in Boston, we are in the middle of heat wave. It has be unseasonable warm the past 4 days and frankly, I'm sick of it. This is ruining summer for me.

Its taking me forever just to decided what to wear! What will keep me cool? What will mask the inevitable sweat stains that appear? What won't make me look like a sweaty, bloated whale? Its fun and I'm running out of options.

Last night at dinner with my brother, I was wearing a greet khaki skirt that hit maybe two or three inches above the knee for the second time in three days because my wardrobe is that lacking and we were in a vinyl booth. All was fine and dandy until we went to leave and I got up and it felt like all of skin on the back of my thighs had been left on the vinyl. I was positive there was an audible ripping sound which then cause me to shriek in pain and my brother burst into laughter and pushed me out door before I could cause a scene, since my eyes were pricked with tears. It was embarrassing and very VERY painful. Stupid heat, stupid vinyl and stupid short skirt! UGH!

Its a little cooler today. I don't deal with heat well. Its right up there with close talkers and affection. I was almost reduced to tears this morning during my commute. The air WAS a bit cooler and there was a breeze so I managed to make it to the station with minimal sweating, and I figured it was a victory because when I got on the train it would be air conditioned. I figured I would be cool, my hair would stay strait and I wouldn't look like a wilted flower when I got to work. The train and I got to the station at the same time and I stepped aboard waiting for the cool air to hit my face and I was hit with a wall of HEAT! To my great dismay the heat was on in the train car, or the air just wasn't working and blowing hot air instead. Either way, it was effing hot and I was miserable. I sat fanning myself and unsticking my shirt from my back for the whole ride and I could pretty much hear my hair frizzing. I only let my eyes water before I blinked them back. I was very distressed though.

Sigh... summer is here! It should be cooler next week. I'm hoping this week was a fluke.

Masochist? Probably

So my thirtieth year has already proved to be interesting (or stupid, depends on how you look at it.)

G was here for a few days on leave from Iraq. It was the first time I have seen him since September and well that was a weird time, so this was much better. People ask me how the visit was and what we did and my answers were, the visit was good and we did nothing.

I mean of course we did SOME things, but really nothing stands out. We went to the gym, we shopped, we ate, he napped and I watched TV. We just hung out which was all I wanted to do and all he ever wants to do, so it was fine.

I dragged him out to one nice dinner Lucca in the North End. I recommend it HIGHLY!

I miss him now and of course he hasn't been in contact, he's probably with the Hoo-ah (as I lovingly refer to her now) in Sacramento, which is why he's MIA. I mean we're friends, why ignore me?

Oh well! Out of my hands. The visit was good and now I don't know when I will see him again. I do consider him one of my best friends, but I always tend to feel uneasy about it, like he's not with me on that and I don't know if it's just his personality, which has a tendency to BE that way, or if its just a complete ambivalence to me. Like he could take me or leave me. If I'm around, fine, and if I fall off the face of the earth, that's fine too. I try not to be negative about it, but he gives me nothing to go on and sometime is hard to be positive about something with no proof. If that makes sense.

Sigh....

End of that story.

As for other stupid, slightly masochistic event: D is back. I've seen him once since the infamous shower scene. It was nice to see him, but it wasn't as good as it was in the past. I'm guessing there was a little hesitation on both sides, and it seemed we were out of practice. Things have fallen into a similar pattern as before. Texting now and then, though I feel myself resenting his texts more than usual and feeling like its a chore more than a pleasure or a naughty secret.

We were talking about hanging out tomorrow, but now I think that won't happen for reasons beyond my control, so we'll see. I'm just starting to get flippant with the whole thing. Case and point, part of our texting session yesterday.

D: "When are we getting together?"

ME: "When do you want to? I'm free Thurs."

D: "That could work. (insert inappropriate texting here)
Anything I can do for you?

ME: "Me? I just want to be held"

D: "Yah I've never been much of a holder."

ME: "You? Shocking!"

D: "Lol, Be Nice! (insert more inappropriate texting).

Maybe I'm over it, maybe I'm not. I guess we shall see.

I've just been trying to pack my days and nights with activities. Alone time is NOT what I need right now.

30th year

And so it has descended upon us (well me), my thirtieth year. I had a hard time falling asleep last night due to the fact that my brain was running in circles, but the most prominent thought was, thirtieth year, thirtieth year, thirtieth year. Its not so much that I am getting older, its that Everyone is getting older and as pleasant as everything is and has been and is shaping up to be, time is still passing at rapid speeds and sometimes when I'm not paying attention, that fact can creep up and knock the wind out of me.

So I'm 29. There I've said it, I don't think I've said it like that yet. No out loud at least. In the days, weeks and months leading up to it, I've definitely said I'm "going to be" and "I will be", but that was my first declaration of the fact.

Today is my birthday, and I am 29.

I'm sitting here at my desk, avoiding my work, because its my birthday and eating the fun-fetti cake that my co-worker made especially for me, (although I think everyone else was pretty psyched for it too) and I don't feel much of anything, except that little tingle of excitement you get when it is your special day.

I've joked about dreading this number, but I really don't, nor do I feel like I need to accomplish any crazy, impressive feats by this time next year.

I'm not really interested in creating a list of things to force myself to accomplish. I just want to be happy and healthy and enjoy what I'm doing. I just want to be the best Kate I can be whether 29 or 30.

I had a great birthday weekend. Saturday I was treated to a much (MUCH) needed manicure and pedicure by L, my bro's gf, before we headed off to the best sushi place that I have been to in Boston, Fugakyu, where I literally stuffed myself with their amazing rolls. We were surprised with a private room, which had originally been unavailable. It was fun, but a little awkward. The rooms are screened in with bamboo sliding doors, and you have to take your shoes off before entering and sitting around the sunken table. I had trouble sitting gracefully the first time, I don't even want to describe how it was after two martinis.

Afterwards we headed over to the Liberty Hotel to meet up with some friends of my brothers. The were at Alibi; however, the line was too long and they weren't letting anyone in at the moment. I was with GJ and her husband and my brother, L and M had not found a parking spot yet, so instead of waiting in line we decided to check out the interior of the Hotel, which had been a prison in its last life. GJ's husband is a Duck Tour driver and I fascinated by Boston History, so we dutifully followed him in and found ourselves at Clink. (Get it? Former Jail, Clink? Alibi? Kitschy)

The bar for Clink is pretty much the entire lobby of the hotel which resides under a vast dome leading up to huge sky lights. It was amazing and I have to admit I did feel a little under dressed, either that or everyone else was overdressed. As I think about it more, they were overdressed not to mention pretentious, of which I am never. We got a drink and wandered around, more interested in the architecture than the"scene". We gawked at the ceiling and marveled at the fact that so much suffering took place on that very spot. I felt at little wrong sipping my G and T in my expensive shoes, knowing the history of the place.

At one point I heard a man complaining to the bouncer that he smelled cigarette smoke. I couldn't imagine anyone being stupid enough to light up in that place (but you never know) so I shared to GJ that it was probably the ghost of a lonely prisoner making his prescience known. (Yah, a little dramatic, but fun to think about!)

We only stayed their briefly, then it was off to Harvard Gardens to finish the night. Nothing spectacular, but fun none-the-less!

Sunday I forced my Parents to come visit and take me to brunch, which they did willingly. It was good, and my brother's came and my nephew and he always makes me laugh. I got some good presents. My Mom and Dad got me a camera, which now I need to A.) learn how to use and B.) Remember to use. One brother got me a necklace and the other got me a BR gift card.

After brunch we went to the MFA to see the El Greco to Velasquez exhibit so I could go back to my roots. I love it there, and now I found out that I can get in free with my student ID. No I'm not a student, but my ID doesn't expire! Score.

That was pretty much the extent of my 29th birthday. I'm thinking Margaritas and Mexican food tonight would make it a complete success.

Stay tuned for "Kate's 30th year." With more frequent and exciting posts! (Hopefully)

Why We're Behind

What the girls I work with are doing right now.

http://www.tiffany.com/Engagement/Item.aspx?sku=19475247

I'm not really participating. Good Lord!

Productive

Now that I'm friends with the girls I work with my productivity has gone down hill. I find myself having to stay late to finish some of my work. I feel like the girl in high school who lets her grades slip because she's finally become popular. Its kind of humorous to me, because as much as I wanted to have friends at work, I didn't necessarily need them or feel like I was missing anything, but now its fun and it makes work all the more enjoyable.

I feel like the cool older sister, the one that's been through the ringer and is only wiser for it. I keep my melancholy to myself. They think I'm smart and wise and ask for my advice. Its flattering.

They think I played it cool with the D situation and were wondering how I pulled it off. Its hard to tell someone its easy to play it cool when you're empty inside concerning the situation. He has trickled back into my life. Slowly. I don't think he decided to go the friends route. We were discussing getting together for dinner when he admitted that he "missed the hot sex" and of course I miss it too, but how long until he starts beating himself up again about it and in turn affecting me again?

He also said if we did go to dinner he couldn't promise he wouldn't try to take my clothes off.

Sigh.....

I mean I miss it too, but at what cost am I willing to fall back into that situation?

Besides, my mom forbid me to sleep with him again. No, I'm not kidding.

That's where it stand now. Not much to go on, the last contact being a One A. M. text asking if I was out. I wasn't, I was sleeping.

Every thing else is moving along. Work is going well, I'm having fun, which for some reason seems more important to me than moving up or on. My birthday month is around the corner. G is coming to visit from Iraq for a week towards the end of May. I more than a little excited to have a buddy for a few days. Now I just have to decide what to do!

May is shaping up to be a fun month! Fingers crossed!

Regression

I feel like I have time-warped back to two years ago. I can sense something is wrong, but I get no answers. I don't know how to react and so everything runs through my head at top speed, causeing my verbal sewage. I dig my holes and take the fall.

Its gets too far and I can take it back and now I'm afraid I ruined the friendship that was so hard to start in the first place. I went through a lot to get to this place and I would be very sad if it ended.

I understand that I have a problem with negativity, but I'm not the only one. In this friendship calling one another negative is pointless. We both are. We're very similar that way.

All I want to do is make it right. I'm not even sure I did THAT much to cause this rift. It hurts though, a lot. Its bringing back feelings that I thought were long gone and I hate it. I never wanted to go back there. I worked hard to escape.

I feel like I've ruined things, but I don't really think I did. I'll take the blame though, its easier that way to absorb the anger rather than to exert it. Its what I do best. I just want it to be better, to be normal, to be back to what we've created that worked for both. I knew it was fragile, but I hoped this time the friendship would be more important.

I have felt sick since Friday, I know what I did was wrong. Its never right for me to express my feelings or let someone know how something makes me feel. My feelings never carry much weight.

I suppose whatever happens it will eventually be fine. Its just sad right now. I feel responsible.

Big Ball of Yuck

I don't know what it is exactly. I've just had this big ball of yuck in my chest for about three days or so now and its not making me a pretty person.

My negativity is out of control and I'm alienating the people that I care about the most. Its a reckless feeling, like words and feelings are spewing out of me and I can't stop them from doing so. I try to get a hold of them before they are released to the point where I can't take them back, but its always too late. The end up in the void, their heaviness weighing us down.

It makes me sick.

When did I lose faith in everything to do with me? When did I become so singular, a loner a cynic?

I wasn't always this way. I feel I felt the endless possibilities stretch out in front of me and I was happy to think of so many different things could happen to me, but now, I don't know? I feel like I'm cursed in this endless circle and my life will be the same in 5 or 10 or 20 years.

I still see the beauty and wonder in everything around me and I have faith in anything that doesn't involve me. I can be the biggest champion for someone Else's life, but for me? Its impossible and I. Don't. Know. Why.

Its the most frustrating feeling I've ever felt and I'm trying to shake it, I'm trying damn hard. I'm hoping it will pass soon, this feeling is ugly and its making me ugly. It physically hurts sometimes, like its hard to breath.

I'm sure there are a lot of underlying factors that I can't even think about right now to process. I just want it to go away. I'm trying to think positive thoughts, I WANT to be happy, I just don't know what will achieve that for me. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.

I'm almost dizzy with frustration, it's spinning me out of control and into holes I'm not quite sure I even know how to dig myself out of.

I just hope people understand, or try to understand and don't give up on me, walk away to make it stop.

I'm not like this all the time, I'm not even like this most of the time, but sometimes its creeps up on me so suddenly that the turn around can be quick and intense, it happens before I even realize it. I see it out there and I'm shocked that its there. Its almost tangible, as if I could almost grab it and release its weight from my shoulders. I wish I could grab it and squeeze the life out of it. I'm sure it would be cold and slimy, that's what it feels like in my chest.

UGH! I better be releasing some major steam right now, because I KNOW I'm not making sense.

Oh well....

Hello....Is it me you're looking for?

Sigh.. oh Lionel...

Anyway! Here I am. I keep casting my blog longing glances, I check up on it now and then, make sure its doing okay, and then when I think about writing someone drops a huge pile or work on top of me and it takes me days (and many many overtime hours, cha-ching) to dig myself out.

I'm making an exception today, even though my work had to be put in a card board box because there was too much to merely place on my desk like normal. Sweet.

Work is going well though. It has taken me about eight months to finally feel like I fit in here and it's a good feeling. I take a LONG time to warm up, but I'm aware of that, and I was patient and now I'm having fun and I don't mind going to work in the morning. Well except for today, when I got hit on ALL THE WAY TO WORK! I'm talking 20 minutes people. BTW, the future does not exist, we need to live in the now! Oh, and I look like Ashley Simpson. I'm hoping post nose job.

I'm also in the process of finding a new roommate. The recluse is moving out. We started interviews last night. The first two were Meh. I mean I guess I could live with either one of them, but no one really stood out. One cancelled last minute and she sounded really promising. She kinda sounded like me, and we know how fabulous I am! She also had a daschund! Both my roommate and I are hoping for a roommate with a pet. Then we can get all the benefits with none of the responsibility! So far we have two coming tonight to interview and four on Sunday. I hope one is the perfect fit!

Other than that, nothing too exciting going on in the Life of Kate. I finally have found a gay boyfriend! We're going to dinner tonight after the interviews. His boyfriend is in med school with C and they're out in Western Mass birthin babies, so we're doing dinner. Its more civilized!

I haven't talked to or tried to contact D. Whether or not I will, I'm not really sure? I'm not sure how I feel about the whole thing. I should probably let it go I guess, but I do miss him or the anticipation of him. I feel he added a dimension to my life that I now miss.

The weather is getting better, spring is here. Walking from the T this morning I was getting a "winter in San Diego" flahsback. The smell in the air reminded me of the mornings when I used to force G to walk to Starbucks instead of drive. The air was cool and fresh, the kind of scent you wish you could bottle. It's working for me. I'm feeling better, more alive. I'm eschewing my hibernating tendencies.

I know I've said this before, but I am going to try to post more often AND I'm getting a new lap top for my birthday (Thanks G!) so I will be more inclined to use it at home, instead of the dinosaur I have now. The thing burns my lap if I try to use it. Time to retire it!

So TGIF! I won't be a stranger!

Sigh...

D has decided that he didn't want to do what we were doing anymore. Basically the no-strings attached sex was too much for his precious moral compass. (Yes, I'm being sarcastic)

I don't even know how to explain his reasoning. It's nothing I haven' t heard before, but this time he has decided that our type of relationship is stopping both of us from possibly finding meaningful relationships and that he needs to figure himself out and what's wrong with him so he doesn't end up like his father, and I deserve better. (Yes the explanation was that confusing)

Of course I have no choice in the matter. I never do. It's just always, "Kate, this is how its going to be and you have no choice but to deal with it." So deal with it is what I do. I feel I've become somewhat of an expert in "deal with it philosophy."

There are a few things that I am angry about. Of course after the fact, I became angry. Heaven forbid I am able to process things as they are happening. One, he did it after sex. Two, he did it in the shower. I have never been in the shower with him before, (I like my alone time) but I was in a rush. Finally, three, I still don't really see the necessity of doing it right at that time. We were both on our way to other engagements, I would have liked to have more time to actually figure out what was going on.

He babbled on about him and his life and where it was going and how he needed to make a change. For some reason, whenever someone says they need to make a change, or better their life, I'm the first to get the ax.

The pattern is interesting and devistating at the same time.

He cried and looked lost while I looked indifferent, uncomfortable and a little sad.

I asked him what that meant for us, seeing as we have nothing BUT that type of relationship. He hopes we can be friends, after we take a break from the hot sex. (his words, not mine). I've heard that before.

So I'm a drift in a land of indifference, wondering where I went wrong again. Was I too laid back? Did I not demand enough? Where was I not good enough?

I wonder if I will hear from him again. It's possible.

I will miss him. He was my dirty little secret, the little thrill in my week, and now all that stretches in front of me is monotony and routine. Its not a constant miss, its an occasional miss.

Sigh.... Oh well.....

Two Years! Count'em, One, Two...

I had all the intentions of writing yesterday, but I haven't been able to string two words together yet in the month of March. How shameful that this month is over half way done and I haven't typed a single word. I feel like I'm slow. Hopefully with the spring thaw on the way my creative juices will star flowing. You know? Like sap.

So yesterday was my two year anniversary. Its easy to remember because I started this blog on St. Patrick's day because I was feeling sorry for myself that I had no plans and I think at the time G and I were on the outs, and I was just sick of the monotony.

I'm glad I did! I love my little blog. Now if only I could be more faithful!

I feel like nothing has gone on, but that's not true.

I'll do a bullet list and you can let me know (all two or three of you) if you need more information and I will see what I can do.

• Rumors were flying at the hospital and got back to D. I'm still pissed about A) the way he dealt with it and B) the way it happened in the first place.
• We got in trouble for stealing a table at trivia night, and I ALMOST got into it with the chick, but then again, I'm all talk. haha
• I saw D a few nights after the rumor incident, and he had me pick him up at the hospital. So I am now confused. If he was annoyed that rumors about us dating were going around, why would he want me to pick him up at his work and risk people seeing?
• Went to Rialto with friends for restaurant week. It was fun, and exciting to go to such a posh place.
• Ate my weight in food this past weekend. I even had deep fried Corned Beef. Yes, I said DEEP FRIED CORNED BEEF. Yum.
• Went to local bar with friends from home. Hated every minute of it. Tried not to look like a snot, but it was hard.

That's about it. Now that I'm a little caught up and have said HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my little blog, I will be more diligent and get those creative juices flowing.

No more half-awake Kate!

Ain't Like She Used to Be

I felt a little bit of apprehension as soon as I received the text from R.

"Hey Kate! Wanna get drunk tonight?"

I did. At least I thought I did. I hadn't gone out in a while, and if my two friends were making the trip into the city, I couldn't NOT go out. I wanted to go out, but I also had earlier plans with C and two other friends. I always stress over the logistics, but finally figured out that I would go to earlier plans, which turned out to be not too fun, and then meet them in the city.

The earlier plans ran longer than I had anticipated and I didn't end up stepping off the T until 10:45. I couldn't convince C to come out with us, so it was a long journey in by myself. It was cold and slushy out, the big storm was the day before, and to make the logistics easier I had ventured out of my apartment with my "more comfortable" knee high boots and just a small bag. No cozy Uggs for the traveling. So I was traversing the slush, snow banks and ice in boots not made for the winter.

I was meeting them at the Cactus Club and received a text from R asking if I was close, and I went to text her back, but before I could another text flew in. Gosh they're pushy tonight I thought, but then I saw who it was from: D. He was looking for a booty call, but I knew my friends would not appreciate it if I ditched, as much as I wanted to, and we said another time. I was slightly disappointed, but quickly got over it. His invite for a "quickie" wasn't THAT tempting.

I entered CC and looked around and saw M walk by, I grabbed her arm. "Hey!"

"Hey, I lost my brother, R's in the back." I ventured my way back and settled at the table just in time to see M's brother negotiating a path holding a HUGE margarita with M trailing behind.

The margaritas there are huge, limey, icy and irresistible. To say we sucked that baby down is an understatement. We soon order another one, but decided to go the blue route, but when that one was too sweet, we had races to finish it quickly to be on our way.

We headed to Jake Ivory's next, where as I've been there before and it was fun, I've also found it to always be crowded and a much younger crowd. I was not disappointed, but we were determined to have fun and soon found our selves on the dance floor.

M's brother had friends there, but it was three couples, much younger couples, and while the guys came and joined us on the dance floor, their worried eyes kept drifting back to the table where their sour-puss girlfriends sat. I'm guessing their leashes didn't stretch that far, and one I heard on remark, after a rousing round of Kamikaze shots, that they should get back before we get in trouble.

Side note: Now I know I haven't been in many relationships and definitely not many in which I was actually in the same town as my BF, but is fear really the way to work a relationship? I think I would feel ashamed if my BF was afraid he would be in trouble all the time? Maybe its me and maybe I'm clueless, but it seemed strange to me.

ANYWAY.

The club was fun, even if I had to use my elbows more than usual. At one point M and I looked at each other and she said that we were probably the oldest ones in there, and looking around I completely agreed, until literally two seconds later the pianist welcomed a girl on stage to celebrate her 30th birthday. M and I cheered and gave a ridiculously cheesy high five. We weren't the oldest!

We actually made it to closing. All I wanted at that time was to go home, but I knew that was impossible and we ended up at M's brother's apartment, which was nice, but I could already tell that the next day was going to be unpleasant and passed out on his roommates bed. In retrospect, gross, but at the time it was better than sharing the freezing cold futon with M. At some point during the night R crawled in there with me so I didn't have to feel too bad about sleeping in the unaware roommates bed, even though I've complained of roommates doing that to me. Its different though, I know I'm clean. I even slept in my jacket and scarf for a good majority of the night.

The morning was, how to put this lightly, not fun! I awoke with anxiety, which I knew was because of the fact that I was hung over and I wasn't sure how long I would be able to be calm about it. Lucky for me we left soon and I sat in the back of R's car clutching a Shaw's plastic bag for dear life, praying I would make it home.

I did, just in the nick of time, which is gross, but hey, we've all been there. I laid in bed writhing in pain for about an hour, desperately trying to fall asleep, until I manged to identify the stomach pains as hunger.

I managed to heat up some tots and as soon as those were consumed (ah grease you wicked hangover cure) I passed out until 2. I hate wasting a day, but it was needed seeing as I got MAYBE 3 hours the night before.

I did, however; rally enough to meet C for a movie and rewarded myself for surviving with a burrito.

This getting old shit is for the birds....

Uhhh....

Honestly? Can one life be so devoid of events?

Looks like it.

Another slow week, another snow storm supposed to be happening tomorrow, and I really haven't done much. Dinners here and there, shopping here and there and then add that to a whole lotta nothing.

I'm in super hybernation mode, even nights out are messured up against the comfort of my bed. I've been like this pretty much since my sickness. I'm not saying I turn down nights out to be in my bed, I'm just saying, the thought crosses my mind. I ventured out for dinner last night with GJ. Well she ventured out more than I. I just had to take the T and get off on my way home from work, she had to drive in.

I always feel bad making people come into the city for some reason. I feel like I am out of they way. I'm glad they make the effort though.

Moving is still on my mind. I was walking to the T from the restaurant last night and as I walked along the Tremont side of the common I realized how much I really do love the city and being there. I wish I could afford to live in the thick of things and really be IN the city. There's just something about being right in the center. Its something I've always wanted. I get a little thrill of being there, and I almost convince myself that I can do it! It would be worth it! Then reality slaps me in the face and I compare my paycheck to the rents and just know I'm asking for trouble in the form of dwindling finances.

So I'm still torn on that, and while I had that thrill running through me as I walked along that historic stretch of land and watched the twinkling light reach up to the state house I also felt sadness of the fact that it might just not happen for me. I just can't make it work financially, and I wish I could figure out how to make more money. Then again doesn't everyone?

It seems pathetic to me that I'm blabbing on and on about a living place. Like why is that such an issue? I just feel like I've gotten to a point where I need to find what would make me happy and where I want to be and I have to stop thinking that happily ever after is going to come knocking, because, lets face it, the bitch ain't getting any younger. I want to make a place for me where I will be ultimatley happy or at least content that I am doing everything I can for myself. I suppose I'm projecting everything onto a space for me, a place of my own.

I'm not describing this well AT ALL! I've been foggy and a little scatter brained along with my hybernation. I also can't find clothes to wear almost every morning. Its like my flu made me fashionly challenged. I think I may have worn the same pair of pants twice last week and for that I am deeply ashamed.

I'm also having a chubby week, but I don't want to go into that one, because it is all my fault.

As for D, haven't seen him in 3 weeks? I think? I just don't have anything to say to him, so I haven't made contact and it speaks volumes that he has not either. Oh well. It was bound to fizzel out eventually. There's only so long you can keep something like that up and interesting. Now its just too much effort.

How sad is that statement?

(Okay, my spell check isn't working, so now you all can know how BAD of a speller I am, and for that I appologize)

Bad Bad Bad

I suck and I know it.

I often come to the blog and read through a more fun and interesting time of my life, then I sigh and go back to surfing the internet, not even feeling guilty because I have no work on my desk. I wish that I did, I'm running out of ways to entertain myself.

I was sick last week and actually out of the office for two whole days. It was interesting on the first day. I went to the make sure it wasn't strep throat, (it wasn't) and then I went to the grocery store to load up on "I get to eat this stuff because I'm sick" goodies. I came home with popsicles, watermellon sherbert, corn cakes that remind me of my Nana, three huge bottles of Gatorade (I'm so off it now) and gravy, for my rice. Yes I know its gross and the sad thing was, I was a little too queezy to eat most of it. All the phlegm. Ugh... It was the first time in three years that I have taken a sick day. I was going crazy as soon as I called in the second day, but I had a fever, and my mom threatened mean things if I went to work with a fever.

I got reaquainted with an old love, the Gilmore Girls and watched about 8 hours of it on Wednesday. I don't think I have ever sat in my bed for that long a period of time when I wasn't sleeping.

Even now, a week later I'm still feeling the after effects. The weezing is particulary attractive, not to mention the phlegm laden coughs that come out of no where and cause me to blush at my disgustinness. Lovely.

Other than that, I suppose I'm in full hibernation mode. I don't really have anyone to talk to. My friends are either, busy, in a relationship or too far away. I don't like to bother them. I'm not really thinking about tomorrow as anything more than a normal Thursday. What's the point? I'll just feel sorry for myself and why? No reason really.

I did venture out Saturday for a friends B-day. C and I headed out The Beehive in the South End. I love the South End, but don't get there as often as I would like. Its not Public Transportation friendly, but I was lucky to find a good space. The place was different; ecclectic, with a strange mix of people, between hipsters and the artsy crowd, to the trendy ones and then me, average girl.

Oh, I did get groped on the way out and was equal parts disgusted and pleased that the old girl still has it. Not groped, just stopped by a hand on my stomach, until I politely explained we were on our way out while looking pointedly at his lit cigarette in doors.

This weekend is a long one. Hopefully it will amount to something, though I'm not getting my hopes up.