Complacent? Content?

Last night I had a dream in which D ran his hand down my sides and said. "Wow, you're big here." I then remember yelling at him and that was about it.

I'm not fat, but I've been feeling a little different lately and I'm definitely not as slim as I have been in the past. It bothers me! When I can feel it, it really bothers me.

It does not help that I'm going out to dinner three times this week. It's restaurant week here in Boston and I have three reservations. The first being tonight. I'm excited, but now this dream is unsettling me. I know I shouldn't let it, but it's hard not to.

I love food though and I'm beyond excited to try three different places this week. I'll just have to be good during the day.

I've also been trying to figure out why I haven't been compelled to blog as much as I have in the past. That's what it has been for me in the past, a compulsion. After reading a few old posting and looking at the ebbs and flows in my posting, I came to one conclusion.

I don't write as much when I'm content.

I also realized that majority of my recent posts have been D-centric. He is one of the situations in my life that produces discord or self-doubt. He produces situations that I have to work through and writing them down, or even turning our interactions into funny anecdotes (because when you really do look at them that way they are freaking hilarious) help me to see the situation for what it is and not to be down about it or discouraged by it.

Make for some sporadic blogging too!

I have been content lately. The summer allows for me to relax and lay low. Most of my weekends have me heading to my parents house to crash at their pool. I don't stress about not having any plans and I don't want them. I much rather enjoy my free time alone. I am looking forward to the fall though.

So less blogging means I'm happy? I'm not sold on that one. Maybe less interesting because I'm doing nothing or there seems to be a lack of drama. I'm also not sold on the fact that that is a good thing. A little drama never hurt anyone. A very little!

So I guess my question for myself is if I am content or just complacent. Should I try harder? I tell myself I am content and that, mainly with personal relationships, it will happen when I'm ready, but is that necessarily true? Should I be actively pursuing something? I don't feel it really, the need to find someone. I'm not sure if that's the fear blanketed in complacency talking or the fact that I really do just like it better by myself.

I've been reflecting on a lot of the same questions lately, that one in particular really stands out.

Complacent vs. Content.

People say you have to work for what you want. I supposed the first step to that is to figure out what exactly it is that I want before I can go out and get it. I don't' really expect it to fall in my lap, but I don't know if i have the energy or steel resolve to go out and take the punches necessary to achieve it.

So here I am. Anxiously content or relaxed complacence.