Big Ball of Yuck

I don't know what it is exactly. I've just had this big ball of yuck in my chest for about three days or so now and its not making me a pretty person.

My negativity is out of control and I'm alienating the people that I care about the most. Its a reckless feeling, like words and feelings are spewing out of me and I can't stop them from doing so. I try to get a hold of them before they are released to the point where I can't take them back, but its always too late. The end up in the void, their heaviness weighing us down.

It makes me sick.

When did I lose faith in everything to do with me? When did I become so singular, a loner a cynic?

I wasn't always this way. I feel I felt the endless possibilities stretch out in front of me and I was happy to think of so many different things could happen to me, but now, I don't know? I feel like I'm cursed in this endless circle and my life will be the same in 5 or 10 or 20 years.

I still see the beauty and wonder in everything around me and I have faith in anything that doesn't involve me. I can be the biggest champion for someone Else's life, but for me? Its impossible and I. Don't. Know. Why.

Its the most frustrating feeling I've ever felt and I'm trying to shake it, I'm trying damn hard. I'm hoping it will pass soon, this feeling is ugly and its making me ugly. It physically hurts sometimes, like its hard to breath.

I'm sure there are a lot of underlying factors that I can't even think about right now to process. I just want it to go away. I'm trying to think positive thoughts, I WANT to be happy, I just don't know what will achieve that for me. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.

I'm almost dizzy with frustration, it's spinning me out of control and into holes I'm not quite sure I even know how to dig myself out of.

I just hope people understand, or try to understand and don't give up on me, walk away to make it stop.

I'm not like this all the time, I'm not even like this most of the time, but sometimes its creeps up on me so suddenly that the turn around can be quick and intense, it happens before I even realize it. I see it out there and I'm shocked that its there. Its almost tangible, as if I could almost grab it and release its weight from my shoulders. I wish I could grab it and squeeze the life out of it. I'm sure it would be cold and slimy, that's what it feels like in my chest.

UGH! I better be releasing some major steam right now, because I KNOW I'm not making sense.

Oh well....