Confusion

This wasn't the first time I have had to do it, but this was the first time I thought it possible to have different results, the first time my hand was shaking so much I had trouble actually executing it. It would also be the first time the cause would be muddy, confused and actually unknown.

It made me feel a little.... Oh I'll just say it! Dirty, whorish and a little bit of a slut.

Two possible outcomes, two possible contributers to said out come.

Before I was always knew what the result would be, but when ones body is not behaving as it normally should, one would like a little back up proof. It was almost a novelty, the gravety of the situation never quite hitting me. Oh look it me! I have to take a test, how grown up of me.

This time, my hand shook, my stomach clenched and I had trouble sleeping. This time I had screwed up possibly, had not used the proper precautions, not that it was the first time, but this was the first time that I might have to pay for it and deal with the question of who else would pay?

I tried not to think of the consequences of who I would rather be in the mess with, or of what it would mean to be me in this situation. Its been done, but could it be done by me?

I wouldn't want pity, I told myself. I would be able to do this with minimal help. Proud to a fault. I straitened my spine and tried to hold the butterflies at bay. I wouldn't need either one. One might actually go for that rationalization, the other would not. If I could chose I would chose the latter.

As I'm sitting here now spitting out the half thoughts and rationalizations that have plagued me this week, begging to be extricated from my head, it seems silly.

Always a good test taker, I was relieved to have failed this one. Crisis averted, realizations made and resolutions to be more careful set in stone.

Its not the first time my body has played tricks on me, but it was the first time I had reason to believe it might not just be a trick.

Crisis averted, but not forgotten.