Considering

I'm back from my vacation. Well I've been back a week, but I haven't been able to sit down and coherently put my thoughts on to paper.

Because my vacation was good... great in fact... Considering.

My Grandmother passed away the day we were leaving. Well she actually passed away while we were already there, but the chain of events started that morning when we were getting ready to leave.

This was a family vacation, a return to our family vacation spot to celebrate my parents 35th wedding anniversary. While her death was unexpected in the sense that it happened quickly, she had been deteriorating mentally for a while now and I'm sure the distressed her to no end. We weren't very close, but I'm still harboring guilt because I wasn't very emotional about her passing. I felt worse for my dad who had been looking forward to the vacation since February when we booked the house.

I supposed I delayed any sort of writing or talking about my vacation because I feel awkward proclaiming... "oh my vacation was great, well considering..." I don't take sympathy well, just like I don't take compliments or affection. I suppose it has something do to with being paid attention to when I would rather fade into the background. I've always been that way. Except for sports for some reason, go figure.

I've been back for a week now and the vacation was good, it was nice spending time with my family, especially my nephew. I tried to ignore the fact that it was just me and I was delegated the "kids room" that contained bunk beds and a pull out futon. It's pretty much for the left over guests. I couldn't sleep in that room for some reason and most of the week found me on a random couch somewhere else in the house. That was strange to me because I am usually a good sleeper.

I got a great tan, relaxed, finished some book, cooked and ate great food and laughed a lot. A week was definitely not long enough though.

I've been back at work a week and its SO SLOW! I'm finishing most of my work before 11:00 A.M. Its mind numbingly boring. It was like this last summer, but I was new then, so I was a little more lenient, but this summer I want to pull my hair out from the boredom. Even now this post is boring me. Its also making me feel a little anxious too, so that's never good, especially since I've started thinking about my future (or lack thereof). I get accused of being negative, even though I'm only being realistic.

So it may not happen for me. I've accepted that, do I think that's a definite? No. I haven't given up hope, but I'm also not going to sit there and think that someone is going to come around and rescue me. I have a pretty good feeling I'm going to be taking care of myself for a while and not get the comfort of joint finances.

Yah, I'm hormonal.. so what? You gotta problem with that?