I'm back from my vacation. Well I've been back a week, but I haven't been able to sit down and coherently put my thoughts on to paper.
Because my vacation was good... great in fact... Considering.
My Grandmother passed away the day we were leaving. Well she actually passed away while we were already there, but the chain of events started that morning when we were getting ready to leave.
This was a family vacation, a return to our family vacation spot to celebrate my parents 35th wedding anniversary. While her death was unexpected in the sense that it happened quickly, she had been deteriorating mentally for a while now and I'm sure the distressed her to no end. We weren't very close, but I'm still harboring guilt because I wasn't very emotional about her passing. I felt worse for my dad who had been looking forward to the vacation since February when we booked the house.
I supposed I delayed any sort of writing or talking about my vacation because I feel awkward proclaiming... "oh my vacation was great, well considering..." I don't take sympathy well, just like I don't take compliments or affection. I suppose it has something do to with being paid attention to when I would rather fade into the background. I've always been that way. Except for sports for some reason, go figure.
I've been back for a week now and the vacation was good, it was nice spending time with my family, especially my nephew. I tried to ignore the fact that it was just me and I was delegated the "kids room" that contained bunk beds and a pull out futon. It's pretty much for the left over guests. I couldn't sleep in that room for some reason and most of the week found me on a random couch somewhere else in the house. That was strange to me because I am usually a good sleeper.
I got a great tan, relaxed, finished some book, cooked and ate great food and laughed a lot. A week was definitely not long enough though.
I've been back at work a week and its SO SLOW! I'm finishing most of my work before 11:00 A.M. Its mind numbingly boring. It was like this last summer, but I was new then, so I was a little more lenient, but this summer I want to pull my hair out from the boredom. Even now this post is boring me. Its also making me feel a little anxious too, so that's never good, especially since I've started thinking about my future (or lack thereof). I get accused of being negative, even though I'm only being realistic.
So it may not happen for me. I've accepted that, do I think that's a definite? No. I haven't given up hope, but I'm also not going to sit there and think that someone is going to come around and rescue me. I have a pretty good feeling I'm going to be taking care of myself for a while and not get the comfort of joint finances.
Yah, I'm hormonal.. so what? You gotta problem with that?
Monday, July 28, 2008
Friday, July 11, 2008
The Future?
"I thought I wouldn't have to deal with this for another 20 or so years?" I was perched on his brown leather sofa, enjoying the coolness seep into my legs after my hot walk from the T.
"Neither did I." He retorted.
He was lying on the love seat, pillow behind his back grimacing every so often. He had already demonstrated how he has to stand crooked and walk with a slight limp.
"Does this happen often?" I asked. He grimaced again and shifted his position.
"No, but it has happened before. I'll be fine."
"Are you sure? You don't look fine!" I start to laugh, I couldn't help it. The more I think of it our encounters become more and more surreal.
Here I am on his couch after a month and he is laid up with his back out. The last time we hooked up, I left and three hours later was half dead on my bathroom floor. I was surprised, sitting there, that I was able to choke down the vodka tonic when the last time it unceremoniously left my body in a not fun way.
"I'm glad you think this is funny!" He growls.
I bite back the smile and try to look sympathetic, but I can't do it. I'm wondering why he thought this would be a good idea in the first place. This day, when he's in pain, after exactly 4 weeks of not talking.
His first text was funny to. "Hey, long time no talk. You get a boyfriend or something, no longer in need of my services? lol!"
Very strange, but there I was, on the couch not exactly sure how to proceed.
"I'll be okay!" He promised. I'll chalk it up to another first for me, but I would feel horrible if he hurt himself more. "We may have to stand up." He muses. I blush.
In the end it worked out well, god knows how he felt the next day, but that's really not my concern. He's a big boy, he knows his limits.
Plus, in his profession he has access to the good drugs.
PS. Off to the Cape for a FULL WEEKS VACATION! HOLY HELL! I can't remember the last time that this has happened while I was employed!
"Neither did I." He retorted.
He was lying on the love seat, pillow behind his back grimacing every so often. He had already demonstrated how he has to stand crooked and walk with a slight limp.
"Does this happen often?" I asked. He grimaced again and shifted his position.
"No, but it has happened before. I'll be fine."
"Are you sure? You don't look fine!" I start to laugh, I couldn't help it. The more I think of it our encounters become more and more surreal.
Here I am on his couch after a month and he is laid up with his back out. The last time we hooked up, I left and three hours later was half dead on my bathroom floor. I was surprised, sitting there, that I was able to choke down the vodka tonic when the last time it unceremoniously left my body in a not fun way.
"I'm glad you think this is funny!" He growls.
I bite back the smile and try to look sympathetic, but I can't do it. I'm wondering why he thought this would be a good idea in the first place. This day, when he's in pain, after exactly 4 weeks of not talking.
His first text was funny to. "Hey, long time no talk. You get a boyfriend or something, no longer in need of my services? lol!"
Very strange, but there I was, on the couch not exactly sure how to proceed.
"I'll be okay!" He promised. I'll chalk it up to another first for me, but I would feel horrible if he hurt himself more. "We may have to stand up." He muses. I blush.
In the end it worked out well, god knows how he felt the next day, but that's really not my concern. He's a big boy, he knows his limits.
Plus, in his profession he has access to the good drugs.
PS. Off to the Cape for a FULL WEEKS VACATION! HOLY HELL! I can't remember the last time that this has happened while I was employed!
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
Behind
I came to a realization today while eating lunch with the girls I work with. It was not an epiphany or something I have never realized before, but for some reason this time it is sticking more with me. I feel I have to take some sort of action soon, before I start to feel like a failure.
A woman who works where I work walked into the lunch room, stayed for a bit and contributed to the conversation and then left.
The ensuing comments were. "Doesn't she always look nice and put together?" and "She's always so professional looking."
And she is. She always looks unrumpled, put together, sleek is a good word to describe her. I on the other hand spend 2o minutes ironing my linen skirt only to get to work looking like I stepped out of the wringer. Sigh.
The last question came from me. "How old is she?" They contemplate the question for a few seconds. "28" was the reply.
"Really!?" I'm incredulous. Not that she looks old, or that I look younger than her. I just FEEL younger, but that's not necessarily a good thing.
"Yah, She's making pretty good money for a 28 year old."
I briefly put my head in my hands, silently bemoaning the fact that I am old and completely unaccomplished and definitely NOT making "good money for a 29 year old."
Now I'm wondering where I went wrong. I like my job, but I know I should not be in this position with my education, potential, skill level and age. I think I was so desperate last year to get A job, any job, that I jumped in with out realizing what the position would entail. Not to say that I'm above the position, I most definitely am not, but all the girls I work with have the potential to do more, we're just not given the chance.
Anyway!
I'm not sure what to do. I'm curious as to what the people I work with think. I'm 29 and decidedly below the levels of the other 29 year old's I work with and I feel a little silly at times. I mean I have my master's for goodness sake! What a waste!
I don't have anyone to blame, but myself. Mostly I'm angry with myself for staying so long at my last job. I atrophied there. I had no job growth, no training, no cultivation. What I had to last year when I left was start from scratch, work my way up again. I was entry level.
There is a four year gap now from that other job where I was in a black hole of misery, with my career standing still.
I'm not sure what to do about it now. Maybe I just don't have the potential. Maybe I'm not quick enough or smart enough or savvy enough to get to that level.
I've never had huge career goals. I don't know why, I just never developed them. I just blindly went through the motions of college, job, graduate school and more jobs, but never really working towards somewhere specific.
Now here I am at 29 and it doesn't look like I'm going have much else to focus on anytime soon (i.e. marriage, family) that I should take more interest in my career. I need to discover how I want to spend my days, what will make me happy, what I am good at.
I don't really know where or how to start, but it is something I've been thinking about seriously lately. I just don't know how to focus my energy there because nothing jumps out at me. I can't sit down and think about what I want to do and get a valid response. Yes, I would love to run a cafe/book store, but in reality I have no idea how to run a business, how to cook for masses, and where to even start. Not to mention I have no money! Dreams will stay just that.
I suppose that should be my main goal for my thirtieth year.
I won't say fine my life's purpose. Goodness, how contrived.
What I want to find is what I can to that will make me happy and satisfied and proud. Is it possible? Is it out there? I'm honestly not exactly sure. Maybe, like a relationship, a satisfying career just isn't in the cards for me.
I've described my life as "vanilla" before, (re. mediocre) and the older I get and the more I see how my life is progressing, the more I see that as true. Maybe that's the life that has been laid out for me. Nothing impressive or remarkable. Just a steady, boring, vanilla life.
Everyone wants to be extraordinary and to spectacular things, but there has to be a yin to that yang.
It's quite possible that I am part of the yin.
A woman who works where I work walked into the lunch room, stayed for a bit and contributed to the conversation and then left.
The ensuing comments were. "Doesn't she always look nice and put together?" and "She's always so professional looking."
And she is. She always looks unrumpled, put together, sleek is a good word to describe her. I on the other hand spend 2o minutes ironing my linen skirt only to get to work looking like I stepped out of the wringer. Sigh.
The last question came from me. "How old is she?" They contemplate the question for a few seconds. "28" was the reply.
"Really!?" I'm incredulous. Not that she looks old, or that I look younger than her. I just FEEL younger, but that's not necessarily a good thing.
"Yah, She's making pretty good money for a 28 year old."
I briefly put my head in my hands, silently bemoaning the fact that I am old and completely unaccomplished and definitely NOT making "good money for a 29 year old."
Now I'm wondering where I went wrong. I like my job, but I know I should not be in this position with my education, potential, skill level and age. I think I was so desperate last year to get A job, any job, that I jumped in with out realizing what the position would entail. Not to say that I'm above the position, I most definitely am not, but all the girls I work with have the potential to do more, we're just not given the chance.
Anyway!
I'm not sure what to do. I'm curious as to what the people I work with think. I'm 29 and decidedly below the levels of the other 29 year old's I work with and I feel a little silly at times. I mean I have my master's for goodness sake! What a waste!
I don't have anyone to blame, but myself. Mostly I'm angry with myself for staying so long at my last job. I atrophied there. I had no job growth, no training, no cultivation. What I had to last year when I left was start from scratch, work my way up again. I was entry level.
There is a four year gap now from that other job where I was in a black hole of misery, with my career standing still.
I'm not sure what to do about it now. Maybe I just don't have the potential. Maybe I'm not quick enough or smart enough or savvy enough to get to that level.
I've never had huge career goals. I don't know why, I just never developed them. I just blindly went through the motions of college, job, graduate school and more jobs, but never really working towards somewhere specific.
Now here I am at 29 and it doesn't look like I'm going have much else to focus on anytime soon (i.e. marriage, family) that I should take more interest in my career. I need to discover how I want to spend my days, what will make me happy, what I am good at.
I don't really know where or how to start, but it is something I've been thinking about seriously lately. I just don't know how to focus my energy there because nothing jumps out at me. I can't sit down and think about what I want to do and get a valid response. Yes, I would love to run a cafe/book store, but in reality I have no idea how to run a business, how to cook for masses, and where to even start. Not to mention I have no money! Dreams will stay just that.
I suppose that should be my main goal for my thirtieth year.
I won't say fine my life's purpose. Goodness, how contrived.
What I want to find is what I can to that will make me happy and satisfied and proud. Is it possible? Is it out there? I'm honestly not exactly sure. Maybe, like a relationship, a satisfying career just isn't in the cards for me.
I've described my life as "vanilla" before, (re. mediocre) and the older I get and the more I see how my life is progressing, the more I see that as true. Maybe that's the life that has been laid out for me. Nothing impressive or remarkable. Just a steady, boring, vanilla life.
Everyone wants to be extraordinary and to spectacular things, but there has to be a yin to that yang.
It's quite possible that I am part of the yin.
Monday, July 07, 2008
Confusion
This wasn't the first time I have had to do it, but this was the first time I thought it possible to have different results, the first time my hand was shaking so much I had trouble actually executing it. It would also be the first time the cause would be muddy, confused and actually unknown.
It made me feel a little.... Oh I'll just say it! Dirty, whorish and a little bit of a slut.
Two possible outcomes, two possible contributers to said out come.
Before I was always knew what the result would be, but when ones body is not behaving as it normally should, one would like a little back up proof. It was almost a novelty, the gravety of the situation never quite hitting me. Oh look it me! I have to take a test, how grown up of me.
This time, my hand shook, my stomach clenched and I had trouble sleeping. This time I had screwed up possibly, had not used the proper precautions, not that it was the first time, but this was the first time that I might have to pay for it and deal with the question of who else would pay?
I tried not to think of the consequences of who I would rather be in the mess with, or of what it would mean to be me in this situation. Its been done, but could it be done by me?
I wouldn't want pity, I told myself. I would be able to do this with minimal help. Proud to a fault. I straitened my spine and tried to hold the butterflies at bay. I wouldn't need either one. One might actually go for that rationalization, the other would not. If I could chose I would chose the latter.
As I'm sitting here now spitting out the half thoughts and rationalizations that have plagued me this week, begging to be extricated from my head, it seems silly.
Always a good test taker, I was relieved to have failed this one. Crisis averted, realizations made and resolutions to be more careful set in stone.
Its not the first time my body has played tricks on me, but it was the first time I had reason to believe it might not just be a trick.
Crisis averted, but not forgotten.
It made me feel a little.... Oh I'll just say it! Dirty, whorish and a little bit of a slut.
Two possible outcomes, two possible contributers to said out come.
Before I was always knew what the result would be, but when ones body is not behaving as it normally should, one would like a little back up proof. It was almost a novelty, the gravety of the situation never quite hitting me. Oh look it me! I have to take a test, how grown up of me.
This time, my hand shook, my stomach clenched and I had trouble sleeping. This time I had screwed up possibly, had not used the proper precautions, not that it was the first time, but this was the first time that I might have to pay for it and deal with the question of who else would pay?
I tried not to think of the consequences of who I would rather be in the mess with, or of what it would mean to be me in this situation. Its been done, but could it be done by me?
I wouldn't want pity, I told myself. I would be able to do this with minimal help. Proud to a fault. I straitened my spine and tried to hold the butterflies at bay. I wouldn't need either one. One might actually go for that rationalization, the other would not. If I could chose I would chose the latter.
As I'm sitting here now spitting out the half thoughts and rationalizations that have plagued me this week, begging to be extricated from my head, it seems silly.
Always a good test taker, I was relieved to have failed this one. Crisis averted, realizations made and resolutions to be more careful set in stone.
Its not the first time my body has played tricks on me, but it was the first time I had reason to believe it might not just be a trick.
Crisis averted, but not forgotten.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Good Day
Today will be a good day. There are many reasons for it to be a good day and I will keep reminding myself.
First and foremost. Yay Celtics! #17 in dominant fashion. Not to mention no more late games! Kevin Garnet is amazing to watch. He's just so......tall. I might incorporate chest thumping and head slapping into my daily work routine.
The T was almost empty and I wasn't hot getting on. The temperature was perfect and the air was dry on my walk which means I didn't waste 10 minutes blow drying my hair today. I can't tell you how much that makes me feel good, to be able to glance at yourself in the T window and not want to gag.
Today was also free coffee day. There is a little coffee stand in the basement of my building and I go there every morning because it is convenient and the woman who works there knows I always get a medium coffee. The coffee is above average and every tenth coffee is free! Today was my tenth coffee.
I do have to keep reminding myself that is the little things that make good days out of mediocre days. I've been fighting the melancholy this week. Even the usually pick me ups haven't been helping because I'm coming off a wicked stomach virus that wiped me out last week and food isn't appealing to me. I mean I eat, but there's nothing that I crave. I'm still exhausted from the three days of puking, abdominal pains and fever. Even now I could probably lay my head down on my key board and pass out.
I'm going through the motions though. I met R last night for dinner by the waterfront. Its so nice down there. I need to spend more time in that area. After I met friends for trivia, but I wasn't into it.
Even though I want to wallow, I'm not allowing myself. I'll get my energy back soon.
Why is it always when you're sick do you realize, "Wait a minute? There is no one right now who cares that my insides are turning upside down and I can't lay still because the pain is making me writhe?"
All I wanted was some Ginger Ale and some saltines and Tylenol since my ibuprofen was making me hurl. I had no one to get that for me. So of course I pulled on my jeans, tugged my ratty t-shirt over my head and went to the grocery store. I only had to pause in the isles a few time so as not to fall over. Lucky for me I live in a very eclectic area, so I wasn't exactly out of the norm.
I'm a big girl and I know how to take care of myself.
Its just sometimes you don't want to or don't want to have to.
First and foremost. Yay Celtics! #17 in dominant fashion. Not to mention no more late games! Kevin Garnet is amazing to watch. He's just so......tall. I might incorporate chest thumping and head slapping into my daily work routine.
The T was almost empty and I wasn't hot getting on. The temperature was perfect and the air was dry on my walk which means I didn't waste 10 minutes blow drying my hair today. I can't tell you how much that makes me feel good, to be able to glance at yourself in the T window and not want to gag.
Today was also free coffee day. There is a little coffee stand in the basement of my building and I go there every morning because it is convenient and the woman who works there knows I always get a medium coffee. The coffee is above average and every tenth coffee is free! Today was my tenth coffee.
I do have to keep reminding myself that is the little things that make good days out of mediocre days. I've been fighting the melancholy this week. Even the usually pick me ups haven't been helping because I'm coming off a wicked stomach virus that wiped me out last week and food isn't appealing to me. I mean I eat, but there's nothing that I crave. I'm still exhausted from the three days of puking, abdominal pains and fever. Even now I could probably lay my head down on my key board and pass out.
I'm going through the motions though. I met R last night for dinner by the waterfront. Its so nice down there. I need to spend more time in that area. After I met friends for trivia, but I wasn't into it.
Even though I want to wallow, I'm not allowing myself. I'll get my energy back soon.
Why is it always when you're sick do you realize, "Wait a minute? There is no one right now who cares that my insides are turning upside down and I can't lay still because the pain is making me writhe?"
All I wanted was some Ginger Ale and some saltines and Tylenol since my ibuprofen was making me hurl. I had no one to get that for me. So of course I pulled on my jeans, tugged my ratty t-shirt over my head and went to the grocery store. I only had to pause in the isles a few time so as not to fall over. Lucky for me I live in a very eclectic area, so I wasn't exactly out of the norm.
I'm a big girl and I know how to take care of myself.
Its just sometimes you don't want to or don't want to have to.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Sticky
Here in Boston, we are in the middle of heat wave. It has be unseasonable warm the past 4 days and frankly, I'm sick of it. This is ruining summer for me.
Its taking me forever just to decided what to wear! What will keep me cool? What will mask the inevitable sweat stains that appear? What won't make me look like a sweaty, bloated whale? Its fun and I'm running out of options.
Last night at dinner with my brother, I was wearing a greet khaki skirt that hit maybe two or three inches above the knee for the second time in three days because my wardrobe is that lacking and we were in a vinyl booth. All was fine and dandy until we went to leave and I got up and it felt like all of skin on the back of my thighs had been left on the vinyl. I was positive there was an audible ripping sound which then cause me to shriek in pain and my brother burst into laughter and pushed me out door before I could cause a scene, since my eyes were pricked with tears. It was embarrassing and very VERY painful. Stupid heat, stupid vinyl and stupid short skirt! UGH!
Its a little cooler today. I don't deal with heat well. Its right up there with close talkers and affection. I was almost reduced to tears this morning during my commute. The air WAS a bit cooler and there was a breeze so I managed to make it to the station with minimal sweating, and I figured it was a victory because when I got on the train it would be air conditioned. I figured I would be cool, my hair would stay strait and I wouldn't look like a wilted flower when I got to work. The train and I got to the station at the same time and I stepped aboard waiting for the cool air to hit my face and I was hit with a wall of HEAT! To my great dismay the heat was on in the train car, or the air just wasn't working and blowing hot air instead. Either way, it was effing hot and I was miserable. I sat fanning myself and unsticking my shirt from my back for the whole ride and I could pretty much hear my hair frizzing. I only let my eyes water before I blinked them back. I was very distressed though.
Sigh... summer is here! It should be cooler next week. I'm hoping this week was a fluke.
Its taking me forever just to decided what to wear! What will keep me cool? What will mask the inevitable sweat stains that appear? What won't make me look like a sweaty, bloated whale? Its fun and I'm running out of options.
Last night at dinner with my brother, I was wearing a greet khaki skirt that hit maybe two or three inches above the knee for the second time in three days because my wardrobe is that lacking and we were in a vinyl booth. All was fine and dandy until we went to leave and I got up and it felt like all of skin on the back of my thighs had been left on the vinyl. I was positive there was an audible ripping sound which then cause me to shriek in pain and my brother burst into laughter and pushed me out door before I could cause a scene, since my eyes were pricked with tears. It was embarrassing and very VERY painful. Stupid heat, stupid vinyl and stupid short skirt! UGH!
Its a little cooler today. I don't deal with heat well. Its right up there with close talkers and affection. I was almost reduced to tears this morning during my commute. The air WAS a bit cooler and there was a breeze so I managed to make it to the station with minimal sweating, and I figured it was a victory because when I got on the train it would be air conditioned. I figured I would be cool, my hair would stay strait and I wouldn't look like a wilted flower when I got to work. The train and I got to the station at the same time and I stepped aboard waiting for the cool air to hit my face and I was hit with a wall of HEAT! To my great dismay the heat was on in the train car, or the air just wasn't working and blowing hot air instead. Either way, it was effing hot and I was miserable. I sat fanning myself and unsticking my shirt from my back for the whole ride and I could pretty much hear my hair frizzing. I only let my eyes water before I blinked them back. I was very distressed though.
Sigh... summer is here! It should be cooler next week. I'm hoping this week was a fluke.
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
Masochist? Probably
So my thirtieth year has already proved to be interesting (or stupid, depends on how you look at it.)
G was here for a few days on leave from Iraq. It was the first time I have seen him since September and well that was a weird time, so this was much better. People ask me how the visit was and what we did and my answers were, the visit was good and we did nothing.
I mean of course we did SOME things, but really nothing stands out. We went to the gym, we shopped, we ate, he napped and I watched TV. We just hung out which was all I wanted to do and all he ever wants to do, so it was fine.
I dragged him out to one nice dinner Lucca in the North End. I recommend it HIGHLY!
I miss him now and of course he hasn't been in contact, he's probably with the Hoo-ah (as I lovingly refer to her now) in Sacramento, which is why he's MIA. I mean we're friends, why ignore me?
Oh well! Out of my hands. The visit was good and now I don't know when I will see him again. I do consider him one of my best friends, but I always tend to feel uneasy about it, like he's not with me on that and I don't know if it's just his personality, which has a tendency to BE that way, or if its just a complete ambivalence to me. Like he could take me or leave me. If I'm around, fine, and if I fall off the face of the earth, that's fine too. I try not to be negative about it, but he gives me nothing to go on and sometime is hard to be positive about something with no proof. If that makes sense.
Sigh....
End of that story.
As for other stupid, slightly masochistic event: D is back. I've seen him once since the infamous shower scene. It was nice to see him, but it wasn't as good as it was in the past. I'm guessing there was a little hesitation on both sides, and it seemed we were out of practice. Things have fallen into a similar pattern as before. Texting now and then, though I feel myself resenting his texts more than usual and feeling like its a chore more than a pleasure or a naughty secret.
We were talking about hanging out tomorrow, but now I think that won't happen for reasons beyond my control, so we'll see. I'm just starting to get flippant with the whole thing. Case and point, part of our texting session yesterday.
D: "When are we getting together?"
ME: "When do you want to? I'm free Thurs."
D: "That could work. (insert inappropriate texting here)
Anything I can do for you?
ME: "Me? I just want to be held"
D: "Yah I've never been much of a holder."
ME: "You? Shocking!"
D: "Lol, Be Nice! (insert more inappropriate texting).
Maybe I'm over it, maybe I'm not. I guess we shall see.
I've just been trying to pack my days and nights with activities. Alone time is NOT what I need right now.
G was here for a few days on leave from Iraq. It was the first time I have seen him since September and well that was a weird time, so this was much better. People ask me how the visit was and what we did and my answers were, the visit was good and we did nothing.
I mean of course we did SOME things, but really nothing stands out. We went to the gym, we shopped, we ate, he napped and I watched TV. We just hung out which was all I wanted to do and all he ever wants to do, so it was fine.
I dragged him out to one nice dinner Lucca in the North End. I recommend it HIGHLY!
I miss him now and of course he hasn't been in contact, he's probably with the Hoo-ah (as I lovingly refer to her now) in Sacramento, which is why he's MIA. I mean we're friends, why ignore me?
Oh well! Out of my hands. The visit was good and now I don't know when I will see him again. I do consider him one of my best friends, but I always tend to feel uneasy about it, like he's not with me on that and I don't know if it's just his personality, which has a tendency to BE that way, or if its just a complete ambivalence to me. Like he could take me or leave me. If I'm around, fine, and if I fall off the face of the earth, that's fine too. I try not to be negative about it, but he gives me nothing to go on and sometime is hard to be positive about something with no proof. If that makes sense.
Sigh....
End of that story.
As for other stupid, slightly masochistic event: D is back. I've seen him once since the infamous shower scene. It was nice to see him, but it wasn't as good as it was in the past. I'm guessing there was a little hesitation on both sides, and it seemed we were out of practice. Things have fallen into a similar pattern as before. Texting now and then, though I feel myself resenting his texts more than usual and feeling like its a chore more than a pleasure or a naughty secret.
We were talking about hanging out tomorrow, but now I think that won't happen for reasons beyond my control, so we'll see. I'm just starting to get flippant with the whole thing. Case and point, part of our texting session yesterday.
D: "When are we getting together?"
ME: "When do you want to? I'm free Thurs."
D: "That could work. (insert inappropriate texting here)
Anything I can do for you?
ME: "Me? I just want to be held"
D: "Yah I've never been much of a holder."
ME: "You? Shocking!"
D: "Lol, Be Nice! (insert more inappropriate texting).
Maybe I'm over it, maybe I'm not. I guess we shall see.
I've just been trying to pack my days and nights with activities. Alone time is NOT what I need right now.
Monday, May 19, 2008
30th year
And so it has descended upon us (well me), my thirtieth year. I had a hard time falling asleep last night due to the fact that my brain was running in circles, but the most prominent thought was, thirtieth year, thirtieth year, thirtieth year. Its not so much that I am getting older, its that Everyone is getting older and as pleasant as everything is and has been and is shaping up to be, time is still passing at rapid speeds and sometimes when I'm not paying attention, that fact can creep up and knock the wind out of me.
So I'm 29. There I've said it, I don't think I've said it like that yet. No out loud at least. In the days, weeks and months leading up to it, I've definitely said I'm "going to be" and "I will be", but that was my first declaration of the fact.
Today is my birthday, and I am 29.
I'm sitting here at my desk, avoiding my work, because its my birthday and eating the fun-fetti cake that my co-worker made especially for me, (although I think everyone else was pretty psyched for it too) and I don't feel much of anything, except that little tingle of excitement you get when it is your special day.
I've joked about dreading this number, but I really don't, nor do I feel like I need to accomplish any crazy, impressive feats by this time next year.
I'm not really interested in creating a list of things to force myself to accomplish. I just want to be happy and healthy and enjoy what I'm doing. I just want to be the best Kate I can be whether 29 or 30.
I had a great birthday weekend. Saturday I was treated to a much (MUCH) needed manicure and pedicure by L, my bro's gf, before we headed off to the best sushi place that I have been to in Boston, Fugakyu, where I literally stuffed myself with their amazing rolls. We were surprised with a private room, which had originally been unavailable. It was fun, but a little awkward. The rooms are screened in with bamboo sliding doors, and you have to take your shoes off before entering and sitting around the sunken table. I had trouble sitting gracefully the first time, I don't even want to describe how it was after two martinis.
Afterwards we headed over to the Liberty Hotel to meet up with some friends of my brothers. The were at Alibi; however, the line was too long and they weren't letting anyone in at the moment. I was with GJ and her husband and my brother, L and M had not found a parking spot yet, so instead of waiting in line we decided to check out the interior of the Hotel, which had been a prison in its last life. GJ's husband is a Duck Tour driver and I fascinated by Boston History, so we dutifully followed him in and found ourselves at Clink. (Get it? Former Jail, Clink? Alibi? Kitschy)
The bar for Clink is pretty much the entire lobby of the hotel which resides under a vast dome leading up to huge sky lights. It was amazing and I have to admit I did feel a little under dressed, either that or everyone else was overdressed. As I think about it more, they were overdressed not to mention pretentious, of which I am never. We got a drink and wandered around, more interested in the architecture than the"scene". We gawked at the ceiling and marveled at the fact that so much suffering took place on that very spot. I felt at little wrong sipping my G and T in my expensive shoes, knowing the history of the place.
At one point I heard a man complaining to the bouncer that he smelled cigarette smoke. I couldn't imagine anyone being stupid enough to light up in that place (but you never know) so I shared to GJ that it was probably the ghost of a lonely prisoner making his prescience known. (Yah, a little dramatic, but fun to think about!)
We only stayed their briefly, then it was off to Harvard Gardens to finish the night. Nothing spectacular, but fun none-the-less!
Sunday I forced my Parents to come visit and take me to brunch, which they did willingly. It was good, and my brother's came and my nephew and he always makes me laugh. I got some good presents. My Mom and Dad got me a camera, which now I need to A.) learn how to use and B.) Remember to use. One brother got me a necklace and the other got me a BR gift card.
After brunch we went to the MFA to see the El Greco to Velasquez exhibit so I could go back to my roots. I love it there, and now I found out that I can get in free with my student ID. No I'm not a student, but my ID doesn't expire! Score.
That was pretty much the extent of my 29th birthday. I'm thinking Margaritas and Mexican food tonight would make it a complete success.
Stay tuned for "Kate's 30th year." With more frequent and exciting posts! (Hopefully)
So I'm 29. There I've said it, I don't think I've said it like that yet. No out loud at least. In the days, weeks and months leading up to it, I've definitely said I'm "going to be" and "I will be", but that was my first declaration of the fact.
Today is my birthday, and I am 29.
I'm sitting here at my desk, avoiding my work, because its my birthday and eating the fun-fetti cake that my co-worker made especially for me, (although I think everyone else was pretty psyched for it too) and I don't feel much of anything, except that little tingle of excitement you get when it is your special day.
I've joked about dreading this number, but I really don't, nor do I feel like I need to accomplish any crazy, impressive feats by this time next year.
I'm not really interested in creating a list of things to force myself to accomplish. I just want to be happy and healthy and enjoy what I'm doing. I just want to be the best Kate I can be whether 29 or 30.
I had a great birthday weekend. Saturday I was treated to a much (MUCH) needed manicure and pedicure by L, my bro's gf, before we headed off to the best sushi place that I have been to in Boston, Fugakyu, where I literally stuffed myself with their amazing rolls. We were surprised with a private room, which had originally been unavailable. It was fun, but a little awkward. The rooms are screened in with bamboo sliding doors, and you have to take your shoes off before entering and sitting around the sunken table. I had trouble sitting gracefully the first time, I don't even want to describe how it was after two martinis.
Afterwards we headed over to the Liberty Hotel to meet up with some friends of my brothers. The were at Alibi; however, the line was too long and they weren't letting anyone in at the moment. I was with GJ and her husband and my brother, L and M had not found a parking spot yet, so instead of waiting in line we decided to check out the interior of the Hotel, which had been a prison in its last life. GJ's husband is a Duck Tour driver and I fascinated by Boston History, so we dutifully followed him in and found ourselves at Clink. (Get it? Former Jail, Clink? Alibi? Kitschy)
The bar for Clink is pretty much the entire lobby of the hotel which resides under a vast dome leading up to huge sky lights. It was amazing and I have to admit I did feel a little under dressed, either that or everyone else was overdressed. As I think about it more, they were overdressed not to mention pretentious, of which I am never. We got a drink and wandered around, more interested in the architecture than the"scene". We gawked at the ceiling and marveled at the fact that so much suffering took place on that very spot. I felt at little wrong sipping my G and T in my expensive shoes, knowing the history of the place.
At one point I heard a man complaining to the bouncer that he smelled cigarette smoke. I couldn't imagine anyone being stupid enough to light up in that place (but you never know) so I shared to GJ that it was probably the ghost of a lonely prisoner making his prescience known. (Yah, a little dramatic, but fun to think about!)
We only stayed their briefly, then it was off to Harvard Gardens to finish the night. Nothing spectacular, but fun none-the-less!
Sunday I forced my Parents to come visit and take me to brunch, which they did willingly. It was good, and my brother's came and my nephew and he always makes me laugh. I got some good presents. My Mom and Dad got me a camera, which now I need to A.) learn how to use and B.) Remember to use. One brother got me a necklace and the other got me a BR gift card.
After brunch we went to the MFA to see the El Greco to Velasquez exhibit so I could go back to my roots. I love it there, and now I found out that I can get in free with my student ID. No I'm not a student, but my ID doesn't expire! Score.
That was pretty much the extent of my 29th birthday. I'm thinking Margaritas and Mexican food tonight would make it a complete success.
Stay tuned for "Kate's 30th year." With more frequent and exciting posts! (Hopefully)
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Why We're Behind
What the girls I work with are doing right now.
http://www.tiffany.com/Engagement/Item.aspx?sku=19475247
I'm not really participating. Good Lord!
http://www.tiffany.com/Engagement/Item.aspx?sku=19475247
I'm not really participating. Good Lord!
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Productive
Now that I'm friends with the girls I work with my productivity has gone down hill. I find myself having to stay late to finish some of my work. I feel like the girl in high school who lets her grades slip because she's finally become popular. Its kind of humorous to me, because as much as I wanted to have friends at work, I didn't necessarily need them or feel like I was missing anything, but now its fun and it makes work all the more enjoyable.
I feel like the cool older sister, the one that's been through the ringer and is only wiser for it. I keep my melancholy to myself. They think I'm smart and wise and ask for my advice. Its flattering.
They think I played it cool with the D situation and were wondering how I pulled it off. Its hard to tell someone its easy to play it cool when you're empty inside concerning the situation. He has trickled back into my life. Slowly. I don't think he decided to go the friends route. We were discussing getting together for dinner when he admitted that he "missed the hot sex" and of course I miss it too, but how long until he starts beating himself up again about it and in turn affecting me again?
He also said if we did go to dinner he couldn't promise he wouldn't try to take my clothes off.
Sigh.....
I mean I miss it too, but at what cost am I willing to fall back into that situation?
Besides, my mom forbid me to sleep with him again. No, I'm not kidding.
That's where it stand now. Not much to go on, the last contact being a One A. M. text asking if I was out. I wasn't, I was sleeping.
Every thing else is moving along. Work is going well, I'm having fun, which for some reason seems more important to me than moving up or on. My birthday month is around the corner. G is coming to visit from Iraq for a week towards the end of May. I more than a little excited to have a buddy for a few days. Now I just have to decide what to do!
May is shaping up to be a fun month! Fingers crossed!
I feel like the cool older sister, the one that's been through the ringer and is only wiser for it. I keep my melancholy to myself. They think I'm smart and wise and ask for my advice. Its flattering.
They think I played it cool with the D situation and were wondering how I pulled it off. Its hard to tell someone its easy to play it cool when you're empty inside concerning the situation. He has trickled back into my life. Slowly. I don't think he decided to go the friends route. We were discussing getting together for dinner when he admitted that he "missed the hot sex" and of course I miss it too, but how long until he starts beating himself up again about it and in turn affecting me again?
He also said if we did go to dinner he couldn't promise he wouldn't try to take my clothes off.
Sigh.....
I mean I miss it too, but at what cost am I willing to fall back into that situation?
Besides, my mom forbid me to sleep with him again. No, I'm not kidding.
That's where it stand now. Not much to go on, the last contact being a One A. M. text asking if I was out. I wasn't, I was sleeping.
Every thing else is moving along. Work is going well, I'm having fun, which for some reason seems more important to me than moving up or on. My birthday month is around the corner. G is coming to visit from Iraq for a week towards the end of May. I more than a little excited to have a buddy for a few days. Now I just have to decide what to do!
May is shaping up to be a fun month! Fingers crossed!
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Regression
I feel like I have time-warped back to two years ago. I can sense something is wrong, but I get no answers. I don't know how to react and so everything runs through my head at top speed, causeing my verbal sewage. I dig my holes and take the fall.
Its gets too far and I can take it back and now I'm afraid I ruined the friendship that was so hard to start in the first place. I went through a lot to get to this place and I would be very sad if it ended.
I understand that I have a problem with negativity, but I'm not the only one. In this friendship calling one another negative is pointless. We both are. We're very similar that way.
All I want to do is make it right. I'm not even sure I did THAT much to cause this rift. It hurts though, a lot. Its bringing back feelings that I thought were long gone and I hate it. I never wanted to go back there. I worked hard to escape.
I feel like I've ruined things, but I don't really think I did. I'll take the blame though, its easier that way to absorb the anger rather than to exert it. Its what I do best. I just want it to be better, to be normal, to be back to what we've created that worked for both. I knew it was fragile, but I hoped this time the friendship would be more important.
I have felt sick since Friday, I know what I did was wrong. Its never right for me to express my feelings or let someone know how something makes me feel. My feelings never carry much weight.
I suppose whatever happens it will eventually be fine. Its just sad right now. I feel responsible.
Its gets too far and I can take it back and now I'm afraid I ruined the friendship that was so hard to start in the first place. I went through a lot to get to this place and I would be very sad if it ended.
I understand that I have a problem with negativity, but I'm not the only one. In this friendship calling one another negative is pointless. We both are. We're very similar that way.
All I want to do is make it right. I'm not even sure I did THAT much to cause this rift. It hurts though, a lot. Its bringing back feelings that I thought were long gone and I hate it. I never wanted to go back there. I worked hard to escape.
I feel like I've ruined things, but I don't really think I did. I'll take the blame though, its easier that way to absorb the anger rather than to exert it. Its what I do best. I just want it to be better, to be normal, to be back to what we've created that worked for both. I knew it was fragile, but I hoped this time the friendship would be more important.
I have felt sick since Friday, I know what I did was wrong. Its never right for me to express my feelings or let someone know how something makes me feel. My feelings never carry much weight.
I suppose whatever happens it will eventually be fine. Its just sad right now. I feel responsible.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Big Ball of Yuck
I don't know what it is exactly. I've just had this big ball of yuck in my chest for about three days or so now and its not making me a pretty person.
My negativity is out of control and I'm alienating the people that I care about the most. Its a reckless feeling, like words and feelings are spewing out of me and I can't stop them from doing so. I try to get a hold of them before they are released to the point where I can't take them back, but its always too late. The end up in the void, their heaviness weighing us down.
It makes me sick.
When did I lose faith in everything to do with me? When did I become so singular, a loner a cynic?
I wasn't always this way. I feel I felt the endless possibilities stretch out in front of me and I was happy to think of so many different things could happen to me, but now, I don't know? I feel like I'm cursed in this endless circle and my life will be the same in 5 or 10 or 20 years.
I still see the beauty and wonder in everything around me and I have faith in anything that doesn't involve me. I can be the biggest champion for someone Else's life, but for me? Its impossible and I. Don't. Know. Why.
Its the most frustrating feeling I've ever felt and I'm trying to shake it, I'm trying damn hard. I'm hoping it will pass soon, this feeling is ugly and its making me ugly. It physically hurts sometimes, like its hard to breath.
I'm sure there are a lot of underlying factors that I can't even think about right now to process. I just want it to go away. I'm trying to think positive thoughts, I WANT to be happy, I just don't know what will achieve that for me. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.
I'm almost dizzy with frustration, it's spinning me out of control and into holes I'm not quite sure I even know how to dig myself out of.
I just hope people understand, or try to understand and don't give up on me, walk away to make it stop.
I'm not like this all the time, I'm not even like this most of the time, but sometimes its creeps up on me so suddenly that the turn around can be quick and intense, it happens before I even realize it. I see it out there and I'm shocked that its there. Its almost tangible, as if I could almost grab it and release its weight from my shoulders. I wish I could grab it and squeeze the life out of it. I'm sure it would be cold and slimy, that's what it feels like in my chest.
UGH! I better be releasing some major steam right now, because I KNOW I'm not making sense.
Oh well....
My negativity is out of control and I'm alienating the people that I care about the most. Its a reckless feeling, like words and feelings are spewing out of me and I can't stop them from doing so. I try to get a hold of them before they are released to the point where I can't take them back, but its always too late. The end up in the void, their heaviness weighing us down.
It makes me sick.
When did I lose faith in everything to do with me? When did I become so singular, a loner a cynic?
I wasn't always this way. I feel I felt the endless possibilities stretch out in front of me and I was happy to think of so many different things could happen to me, but now, I don't know? I feel like I'm cursed in this endless circle and my life will be the same in 5 or 10 or 20 years.
I still see the beauty and wonder in everything around me and I have faith in anything that doesn't involve me. I can be the biggest champion for someone Else's life, but for me? Its impossible and I. Don't. Know. Why.
Its the most frustrating feeling I've ever felt and I'm trying to shake it, I'm trying damn hard. I'm hoping it will pass soon, this feeling is ugly and its making me ugly. It physically hurts sometimes, like its hard to breath.
I'm sure there are a lot of underlying factors that I can't even think about right now to process. I just want it to go away. I'm trying to think positive thoughts, I WANT to be happy, I just don't know what will achieve that for me. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.
I'm almost dizzy with frustration, it's spinning me out of control and into holes I'm not quite sure I even know how to dig myself out of.
I just hope people understand, or try to understand and don't give up on me, walk away to make it stop.
I'm not like this all the time, I'm not even like this most of the time, but sometimes its creeps up on me so suddenly that the turn around can be quick and intense, it happens before I even realize it. I see it out there and I'm shocked that its there. Its almost tangible, as if I could almost grab it and release its weight from my shoulders. I wish I could grab it and squeeze the life out of it. I'm sure it would be cold and slimy, that's what it feels like in my chest.
UGH! I better be releasing some major steam right now, because I KNOW I'm not making sense.
Oh well....
Friday, April 11, 2008
Hello....Is it me you're looking for?
Sigh.. oh Lionel...
Anyway! Here I am. I keep casting my blog longing glances, I check up on it now and then, make sure its doing okay, and then when I think about writing someone drops a huge pile or work on top of me and it takes me days (and many many overtime hours, cha-ching) to dig myself out.
I'm making an exception today, even though my work had to be put in a card board box because there was too much to merely place on my desk like normal. Sweet.
Work is going well though. It has taken me about eight months to finally feel like I fit in here and it's a good feeling. I take a LONG time to warm up, but I'm aware of that, and I was patient and now I'm having fun and I don't mind going to work in the morning. Well except for today, when I got hit on ALL THE WAY TO WORK! I'm talking 20 minutes people. BTW, the future does not exist, we need to live in the now! Oh, and I look like Ashley Simpson. I'm hoping post nose job.
I'm also in the process of finding a new roommate. The recluse is moving out. We started interviews last night. The first two were Meh. I mean I guess I could live with either one of them, but no one really stood out. One cancelled last minute and she sounded really promising. She kinda sounded like me, and we know how fabulous I am! She also had a daschund! Both my roommate and I are hoping for a roommate with a pet. Then we can get all the benefits with none of the responsibility! So far we have two coming tonight to interview and four on Sunday. I hope one is the perfect fit!
Other than that, nothing too exciting going on in the Life of Kate. I finally have found a gay boyfriend! We're going to dinner tonight after the interviews. His boyfriend is in med school with C and they're out in Western Mass birthin babies, so we're doing dinner. Its more civilized!
I haven't talked to or tried to contact D. Whether or not I will, I'm not really sure? I'm not sure how I feel about the whole thing. I should probably let it go I guess, but I do miss him or the anticipation of him. I feel he added a dimension to my life that I now miss.
The weather is getting better, spring is here. Walking from the T this morning I was getting a "winter in San Diego" flahsback. The smell in the air reminded me of the mornings when I used to force G to walk to Starbucks instead of drive. The air was cool and fresh, the kind of scent you wish you could bottle. It's working for me. I'm feeling better, more alive. I'm eschewing my hibernating tendencies.
I know I've said this before, but I am going to try to post more often AND I'm getting a new lap top for my birthday (Thanks G!) so I will be more inclined to use it at home, instead of the dinosaur I have now. The thing burns my lap if I try to use it. Time to retire it!
So TGIF! I won't be a stranger!
Anyway! Here I am. I keep casting my blog longing glances, I check up on it now and then, make sure its doing okay, and then when I think about writing someone drops a huge pile or work on top of me and it takes me days (and many many overtime hours, cha-ching) to dig myself out.
I'm making an exception today, even though my work had to be put in a card board box because there was too much to merely place on my desk like normal. Sweet.
Work is going well though. It has taken me about eight months to finally feel like I fit in here and it's a good feeling. I take a LONG time to warm up, but I'm aware of that, and I was patient and now I'm having fun and I don't mind going to work in the morning. Well except for today, when I got hit on ALL THE WAY TO WORK! I'm talking 20 minutes people. BTW, the future does not exist, we need to live in the now! Oh, and I look like Ashley Simpson. I'm hoping post nose job.
I'm also in the process of finding a new roommate. The recluse is moving out. We started interviews last night. The first two were Meh. I mean I guess I could live with either one of them, but no one really stood out. One cancelled last minute and she sounded really promising. She kinda sounded like me, and we know how fabulous I am! She also had a daschund! Both my roommate and I are hoping for a roommate with a pet. Then we can get all the benefits with none of the responsibility! So far we have two coming tonight to interview and four on Sunday. I hope one is the perfect fit!
Other than that, nothing too exciting going on in the Life of Kate. I finally have found a gay boyfriend! We're going to dinner tonight after the interviews. His boyfriend is in med school with C and they're out in Western Mass birthin babies, so we're doing dinner. Its more civilized!
I haven't talked to or tried to contact D. Whether or not I will, I'm not really sure? I'm not sure how I feel about the whole thing. I should probably let it go I guess, but I do miss him or the anticipation of him. I feel he added a dimension to my life that I now miss.
The weather is getting better, spring is here. Walking from the T this morning I was getting a "winter in San Diego" flahsback. The smell in the air reminded me of the mornings when I used to force G to walk to Starbucks instead of drive. The air was cool and fresh, the kind of scent you wish you could bottle. It's working for me. I'm feeling better, more alive. I'm eschewing my hibernating tendencies.
I know I've said this before, but I am going to try to post more often AND I'm getting a new lap top for my birthday (Thanks G!) so I will be more inclined to use it at home, instead of the dinosaur I have now. The thing burns my lap if I try to use it. Time to retire it!
So TGIF! I won't be a stranger!
Monday, March 24, 2008
Sigh...
D has decided that he didn't want to do what we were doing anymore. Basically the no-strings attached sex was too much for his precious moral compass. (Yes, I'm being sarcastic)
I don't even know how to explain his reasoning. It's nothing I haven' t heard before, but this time he has decided that our type of relationship is stopping both of us from possibly finding meaningful relationships and that he needs to figure himself out and what's wrong with him so he doesn't end up like his father, and I deserve better. (Yes the explanation was that confusing)
Of course I have no choice in the matter. I never do. It's just always, "Kate, this is how its going to be and you have no choice but to deal with it." So deal with it is what I do. I feel I've become somewhat of an expert in "deal with it philosophy."
There are a few things that I am angry about. Of course after the fact, I became angry. Heaven forbid I am able to process things as they are happening. One, he did it after sex. Two, he did it in the shower. I have never been in the shower with him before, (I like my alone time) but I was in a rush. Finally, three, I still don't really see the necessity of doing it right at that time. We were both on our way to other engagements, I would have liked to have more time to actually figure out what was going on.
He babbled on about him and his life and where it was going and how he needed to make a change. For some reason, whenever someone says they need to make a change, or better their life, I'm the first to get the ax.
The pattern is interesting and devistating at the same time.
He cried and looked lost while I looked indifferent, uncomfortable and a little sad.
I asked him what that meant for us, seeing as we have nothing BUT that type of relationship. He hopes we can be friends, after we take a break from the hot sex. (his words, not mine). I've heard that before.
So I'm a drift in a land of indifference, wondering where I went wrong again. Was I too laid back? Did I not demand enough? Where was I not good enough?
I wonder if I will hear from him again. It's possible.
I will miss him. He was my dirty little secret, the little thrill in my week, and now all that stretches in front of me is monotony and routine. Its not a constant miss, its an occasional miss.
Sigh.... Oh well.....
I don't even know how to explain his reasoning. It's nothing I haven' t heard before, but this time he has decided that our type of relationship is stopping both of us from possibly finding meaningful relationships and that he needs to figure himself out and what's wrong with him so he doesn't end up like his father, and I deserve better. (Yes the explanation was that confusing)
Of course I have no choice in the matter. I never do. It's just always, "Kate, this is how its going to be and you have no choice but to deal with it." So deal with it is what I do. I feel I've become somewhat of an expert in "deal with it philosophy."
There are a few things that I am angry about. Of course after the fact, I became angry. Heaven forbid I am able to process things as they are happening. One, he did it after sex. Two, he did it in the shower. I have never been in the shower with him before, (I like my alone time) but I was in a rush. Finally, three, I still don't really see the necessity of doing it right at that time. We were both on our way to other engagements, I would have liked to have more time to actually figure out what was going on.
He babbled on about him and his life and where it was going and how he needed to make a change. For some reason, whenever someone says they need to make a change, or better their life, I'm the first to get the ax.
The pattern is interesting and devistating at the same time.
He cried and looked lost while I looked indifferent, uncomfortable and a little sad.
I asked him what that meant for us, seeing as we have nothing BUT that type of relationship. He hopes we can be friends, after we take a break from the hot sex. (his words, not mine). I've heard that before.
So I'm a drift in a land of indifference, wondering where I went wrong again. Was I too laid back? Did I not demand enough? Where was I not good enough?
I wonder if I will hear from him again. It's possible.
I will miss him. He was my dirty little secret, the little thrill in my week, and now all that stretches in front of me is monotony and routine. Its not a constant miss, its an occasional miss.
Sigh.... Oh well.....
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Two Years! Count'em, One, Two...
I had all the intentions of writing yesterday, but I haven't been able to string two words together yet in the month of March. How shameful that this month is over half way done and I haven't typed a single word. I feel like I'm slow. Hopefully with the spring thaw on the way my creative juices will star flowing. You know? Like sap.
So yesterday was my two year anniversary. Its easy to remember because I started this blog on St. Patrick's day because I was feeling sorry for myself that I had no plans and I think at the time G and I were on the outs, and I was just sick of the monotony.
I'm glad I did! I love my little blog. Now if only I could be more faithful!
I feel like nothing has gone on, but that's not true.
I'll do a bullet list and you can let me know (all two or three of you) if you need more information and I will see what I can do.
So yesterday was my two year anniversary. Its easy to remember because I started this blog on St. Patrick's day because I was feeling sorry for myself that I had no plans and I think at the time G and I were on the outs, and I was just sick of the monotony.
I'm glad I did! I love my little blog. Now if only I could be more faithful!
I feel like nothing has gone on, but that's not true.
I'll do a bullet list and you can let me know (all two or three of you) if you need more information and I will see what I can do.
- Rumors were flying at the hospital and got back to D. I'm still pissed about A) the way he dealt with it and B) the way it happened in the first place.
- We got in trouble for stealing a table at trivia night, and I ALMOST got into it with the chick, but then again, I'm all talk. haha
- I saw D a few nights after the rumor incident, and he had me pick him up at the hospital. So I am now confused. If he was annoyed that rumors about us dating were going around, why would he want me to pick him up at his work and risk people seeing?
- Went to Rialto with friends for restaurant week. It was fun, and exciting to go to such a posh place.
- Ate my weight in food this past weekend. I even had deep fried Corned Beef. Yes, I said DEEP FRIED CORNED BEEF. Yum.
- Went to local bar with friends from home. Hated every minute of it. Tried not to look like a snot, but it was hard.
That's about it. Now that I'm a little caught up and have said HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my little blog, I will be more diligent and get those creative juices flowing.
No more half-awake Kate!
Friday, February 29, 2008
Ain't Like She Used to Be
I felt a little bit of apprehension as soon as I received the text from R.
"Hey Kate! Wanna get drunk tonight?"
I did. At least I thought I did. I hadn't gone out in a while, and if my two friends were making the trip into the city, I couldn't NOT go out. I wanted to go out, but I also had earlier plans with C and two other friends. I always stress over the logistics, but finally figured out that I would go to earlier plans, which turned out to be not too fun, and then meet them in the city.
The earlier plans ran longer than I had anticipated and I didn't end up stepping off the T until 10:45. I couldn't convince C to come out with us, so it was a long journey in by myself. It was cold and slushy out, the big storm was the day before, and to make the logistics easier I had ventured out of my apartment with my "more comfortable" knee high boots and just a small bag. No cozy Uggs for the traveling. So I was traversing the slush, snow banks and ice in boots not made for the winter.
I was meeting them at the Cactus Club and received a text from R asking if I was close, and I went to text her back, but before I could another text flew in. Gosh they're pushy tonight I thought, but then I saw who it was from: D. He was looking for a booty call, but I knew my friends would not appreciate it if I ditched, as much as I wanted to, and we said another time. I was slightly disappointed, but quickly got over it. His invite for a "quickie" wasn't THAT tempting.
I entered CC and looked around and saw M walk by, I grabbed her arm. "Hey!"
"Hey, I lost my brother, R's in the back." I ventured my way back and settled at the table just in time to see M's brother negotiating a path holding a HUGE margarita with M trailing behind.
The margaritas there are huge, limey, icy and irresistible. To say we sucked that baby down is an understatement. We soon order another one, but decided to go the blue route, but when that one was too sweet, we had races to finish it quickly to be on our way.
We headed to Jake Ivory's next, where as I've been there before and it was fun, I've also found it to always be crowded and a much younger crowd. I was not disappointed, but we were determined to have fun and soon found our selves on the dance floor.
M's brother had friends there, but it was three couples, much younger couples, and while the guys came and joined us on the dance floor, their worried eyes kept drifting back to the table where their sour-puss girlfriends sat. I'm guessing their leashes didn't stretch that far, and one I heard on remark, after a rousing round of Kamikaze shots, that they should get back before we get in trouble.
Side note: Now I know I haven't been in many relationships and definitely not many in which I was actually in the same town as my BF, but is fear really the way to work a relationship? I think I would feel ashamed if my BF was afraid he would be in trouble all the time? Maybe its me and maybe I'm clueless, but it seemed strange to me.
ANYWAY.
The club was fun, even if I had to use my elbows more than usual. At one point M and I looked at each other and she said that we were probably the oldest ones in there, and looking around I completely agreed, until literally two seconds later the pianist welcomed a girl on stage to celebrate her 30th birthday. M and I cheered and gave a ridiculously cheesy high five. We weren't the oldest!
We actually made it to closing. All I wanted at that time was to go home, but I knew that was impossible and we ended up at M's brother's apartment, which was nice, but I could already tell that the next day was going to be unpleasant and passed out on his roommates bed. In retrospect, gross, but at the time it was better than sharing the freezing cold futon with M. At some point during the night R crawled in there with me so I didn't have to feel too bad about sleeping in the unaware roommates bed, even though I've complained of roommates doing that to me. Its different though, I know I'm clean. I even slept in my jacket and scarf for a good majority of the night.
The morning was, how to put this lightly, not fun! I awoke with anxiety, which I knew was because of the fact that I was hung over and I wasn't sure how long I would be able to be calm about it. Lucky for me we left soon and I sat in the back of R's car clutching a Shaw's plastic bag for dear life, praying I would make it home.
I did, just in the nick of time, which is gross, but hey, we've all been there. I laid in bed writhing in pain for about an hour, desperately trying to fall asleep, until I manged to identify the stomach pains as hunger.
I managed to heat up some tots and as soon as those were consumed (ah grease you wicked hangover cure) I passed out until 2. I hate wasting a day, but it was needed seeing as I got MAYBE 3 hours the night before.
I did, however; rally enough to meet C for a movie and rewarded myself for surviving with a burrito.
This getting old shit is for the birds....
"Hey Kate! Wanna get drunk tonight?"
I did. At least I thought I did. I hadn't gone out in a while, and if my two friends were making the trip into the city, I couldn't NOT go out. I wanted to go out, but I also had earlier plans with C and two other friends. I always stress over the logistics, but finally figured out that I would go to earlier plans, which turned out to be not too fun, and then meet them in the city.
The earlier plans ran longer than I had anticipated and I didn't end up stepping off the T until 10:45. I couldn't convince C to come out with us, so it was a long journey in by myself. It was cold and slushy out, the big storm was the day before, and to make the logistics easier I had ventured out of my apartment with my "more comfortable" knee high boots and just a small bag. No cozy Uggs for the traveling. So I was traversing the slush, snow banks and ice in boots not made for the winter.
I was meeting them at the Cactus Club and received a text from R asking if I was close, and I went to text her back, but before I could another text flew in. Gosh they're pushy tonight I thought, but then I saw who it was from: D. He was looking for a booty call, but I knew my friends would not appreciate it if I ditched, as much as I wanted to, and we said another time. I was slightly disappointed, but quickly got over it. His invite for a "quickie" wasn't THAT tempting.
I entered CC and looked around and saw M walk by, I grabbed her arm. "Hey!"
"Hey, I lost my brother, R's in the back." I ventured my way back and settled at the table just in time to see M's brother negotiating a path holding a HUGE margarita with M trailing behind.
The margaritas there are huge, limey, icy and irresistible. To say we sucked that baby down is an understatement. We soon order another one, but decided to go the blue route, but when that one was too sweet, we had races to finish it quickly to be on our way.
We headed to Jake Ivory's next, where as I've been there before and it was fun, I've also found it to always be crowded and a much younger crowd. I was not disappointed, but we were determined to have fun and soon found our selves on the dance floor.
M's brother had friends there, but it was three couples, much younger couples, and while the guys came and joined us on the dance floor, their worried eyes kept drifting back to the table where their sour-puss girlfriends sat. I'm guessing their leashes didn't stretch that far, and one I heard on remark, after a rousing round of Kamikaze shots, that they should get back before we get in trouble.
Side note: Now I know I haven't been in many relationships and definitely not many in which I was actually in the same town as my BF, but is fear really the way to work a relationship? I think I would feel ashamed if my BF was afraid he would be in trouble all the time? Maybe its me and maybe I'm clueless, but it seemed strange to me.
ANYWAY.
The club was fun, even if I had to use my elbows more than usual. At one point M and I looked at each other and she said that we were probably the oldest ones in there, and looking around I completely agreed, until literally two seconds later the pianist welcomed a girl on stage to celebrate her 30th birthday. M and I cheered and gave a ridiculously cheesy high five. We weren't the oldest!
We actually made it to closing. All I wanted at that time was to go home, but I knew that was impossible and we ended up at M's brother's apartment, which was nice, but I could already tell that the next day was going to be unpleasant and passed out on his roommates bed. In retrospect, gross, but at the time it was better than sharing the freezing cold futon with M. At some point during the night R crawled in there with me so I didn't have to feel too bad about sleeping in the unaware roommates bed, even though I've complained of roommates doing that to me. Its different though, I know I'm clean. I even slept in my jacket and scarf for a good majority of the night.
The morning was, how to put this lightly, not fun! I awoke with anxiety, which I knew was because of the fact that I was hung over and I wasn't sure how long I would be able to be calm about it. Lucky for me we left soon and I sat in the back of R's car clutching a Shaw's plastic bag for dear life, praying I would make it home.
I did, just in the nick of time, which is gross, but hey, we've all been there. I laid in bed writhing in pain for about an hour, desperately trying to fall asleep, until I manged to identify the stomach pains as hunger.
I managed to heat up some tots and as soon as those were consumed (ah grease you wicked hangover cure) I passed out until 2. I hate wasting a day, but it was needed seeing as I got MAYBE 3 hours the night before.
I did, however; rally enough to meet C for a movie and rewarded myself for surviving with a burrito.
This getting old shit is for the birds....
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Uhhh....
Honestly? Can one life be so devoid of events?
Looks like it.
Another slow week, another snow storm supposed to be happening tomorrow, and I really haven't done much. Dinners here and there, shopping here and there and then add that to a whole lotta nothing.
I'm in super hybernation mode, even nights out are messured up against the comfort of my bed. I've been like this pretty much since my sickness. I'm not saying I turn down nights out to be in my bed, I'm just saying, the thought crosses my mind. I ventured out for dinner last night with GJ. Well she ventured out more than I. I just had to take the T and get off on my way home from work, she had to drive in.
I always feel bad making people come into the city for some reason. I feel like I am out of they way. I'm glad they make the effort though.
Moving is still on my mind. I was walking to the T from the restaurant last night and as I walked along the Tremont side of the common I realized how much I really do love the city and being there. I wish I could afford to live in the thick of things and really be IN the city. There's just something about being right in the center. Its something I've always wanted. I get a little thrill of being there, and I almost convince myself that I can do it! It would be worth it! Then reality slaps me in the face and I compare my paycheck to the rents and just know I'm asking for trouble in the form of dwindling finances.
So I'm still torn on that, and while I had that thrill running through me as I walked along that historic stretch of land and watched the twinkling light reach up to the state house I also felt sadness of the fact that it might just not happen for me. I just can't make it work financially, and I wish I could figure out how to make more money. Then again doesn't everyone?
It seems pathetic to me that I'm blabbing on and on about a living place. Like why is that such an issue? I just feel like I've gotten to a point where I need to find what would make me happy and where I want to be and I have to stop thinking that happily ever after is going to come knocking, because, lets face it, the bitch ain't getting any younger. I want to make a place for me where I will be ultimatley happy or at least content that I am doing everything I can for myself. I suppose I'm projecting everything onto a space for me, a place of my own.
I'm not describing this well AT ALL! I've been foggy and a little scatter brained along with my hybernation. I also can't find clothes to wear almost every morning. Its like my flu made me fashionly challenged. I think I may have worn the same pair of pants twice last week and for that I am deeply ashamed.
I'm also having a chubby week, but I don't want to go into that one, because it is all my fault.
As for D, haven't seen him in 3 weeks? I think? I just don't have anything to say to him, so I haven't made contact and it speaks volumes that he has not either. Oh well. It was bound to fizzel out eventually. There's only so long you can keep something like that up and interesting. Now its just too much effort.
How sad is that statement?
(Okay, my spell check isn't working, so now you all can know how BAD of a speller I am, and for that I appologize)
Looks like it.
Another slow week, another snow storm supposed to be happening tomorrow, and I really haven't done much. Dinners here and there, shopping here and there and then add that to a whole lotta nothing.
I'm in super hybernation mode, even nights out are messured up against the comfort of my bed. I've been like this pretty much since my sickness. I'm not saying I turn down nights out to be in my bed, I'm just saying, the thought crosses my mind. I ventured out for dinner last night with GJ. Well she ventured out more than I. I just had to take the T and get off on my way home from work, she had to drive in.
I always feel bad making people come into the city for some reason. I feel like I am out of they way. I'm glad they make the effort though.
Moving is still on my mind. I was walking to the T from the restaurant last night and as I walked along the Tremont side of the common I realized how much I really do love the city and being there. I wish I could afford to live in the thick of things and really be IN the city. There's just something about being right in the center. Its something I've always wanted. I get a little thrill of being there, and I almost convince myself that I can do it! It would be worth it! Then reality slaps me in the face and I compare my paycheck to the rents and just know I'm asking for trouble in the form of dwindling finances.
So I'm still torn on that, and while I had that thrill running through me as I walked along that historic stretch of land and watched the twinkling light reach up to the state house I also felt sadness of the fact that it might just not happen for me. I just can't make it work financially, and I wish I could figure out how to make more money. Then again doesn't everyone?
It seems pathetic to me that I'm blabbing on and on about a living place. Like why is that such an issue? I just feel like I've gotten to a point where I need to find what would make me happy and where I want to be and I have to stop thinking that happily ever after is going to come knocking, because, lets face it, the bitch ain't getting any younger. I want to make a place for me where I will be ultimatley happy or at least content that I am doing everything I can for myself. I suppose I'm projecting everything onto a space for me, a place of my own.
I'm not describing this well AT ALL! I've been foggy and a little scatter brained along with my hybernation. I also can't find clothes to wear almost every morning. Its like my flu made me fashionly challenged. I think I may have worn the same pair of pants twice last week and for that I am deeply ashamed.
I'm also having a chubby week, but I don't want to go into that one, because it is all my fault.
As for D, haven't seen him in 3 weeks? I think? I just don't have anything to say to him, so I haven't made contact and it speaks volumes that he has not either. Oh well. It was bound to fizzel out eventually. There's only so long you can keep something like that up and interesting. Now its just too much effort.
How sad is that statement?
(Okay, my spell check isn't working, so now you all can know how BAD of a speller I am, and for that I appologize)
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Bad Bad Bad
I suck and I know it.
I often come to the blog and read through a more fun and interesting time of my life, then I sigh and go back to surfing the internet, not even feeling guilty because I have no work on my desk. I wish that I did, I'm running out of ways to entertain myself.
I was sick last week and actually out of the office for two whole days. It was interesting on the first day. I went to the make sure it wasn't strep throat, (it wasn't) and then I went to the grocery store to load up on "I get to eat this stuff because I'm sick" goodies. I came home with popsicles, watermellon sherbert, corn cakes that remind me of my Nana, three huge bottles of Gatorade (I'm so off it now) and gravy, for my rice. Yes I know its gross and the sad thing was, I was a little too queezy to eat most of it. All the phlegm. Ugh... It was the first time in three years that I have taken a sick day. I was going crazy as soon as I called in the second day, but I had a fever, and my mom threatened mean things if I went to work with a fever.
I got reaquainted with an old love, the Gilmore Girls and watched about 8 hours of it on Wednesday. I don't think I have ever sat in my bed for that long a period of time when I wasn't sleeping.
Even now, a week later I'm still feeling the after effects. The weezing is particulary attractive, not to mention the phlegm laden coughs that come out of no where and cause me to blush at my disgustinness. Lovely.
Other than that, I suppose I'm in full hibernation mode. I don't really have anyone to talk to. My friends are either, busy, in a relationship or too far away. I don't like to bother them. I'm not really thinking about tomorrow as anything more than a normal Thursday. What's the point? I'll just feel sorry for myself and why? No reason really.
I did venture out Saturday for a friends B-day. C and I headed out The Beehive in the South End. I love the South End, but don't get there as often as I would like. Its not Public Transportation friendly, but I was lucky to find a good space. The place was different; ecclectic, with a strange mix of people, between hipsters and the artsy crowd, to the trendy ones and then me, average girl.
Oh, I did get groped on the way out and was equal parts disgusted and pleased that the old girl still has it. Not groped, just stopped by a hand on my stomach, until I politely explained we were on our way out while looking pointedly at his lit cigarette in doors.
This weekend is a long one. Hopefully it will amount to something, though I'm not getting my hopes up.
I often come to the blog and read through a more fun and interesting time of my life, then I sigh and go back to surfing the internet, not even feeling guilty because I have no work on my desk. I wish that I did, I'm running out of ways to entertain myself.
I was sick last week and actually out of the office for two whole days. It was interesting on the first day. I went to the make sure it wasn't strep throat, (it wasn't) and then I went to the grocery store to load up on "I get to eat this stuff because I'm sick" goodies. I came home with popsicles, watermellon sherbert, corn cakes that remind me of my Nana, three huge bottles of Gatorade (I'm so off it now) and gravy, for my rice. Yes I know its gross and the sad thing was, I was a little too queezy to eat most of it. All the phlegm. Ugh... It was the first time in three years that I have taken a sick day. I was going crazy as soon as I called in the second day, but I had a fever, and my mom threatened mean things if I went to work with a fever.
I got reaquainted with an old love, the Gilmore Girls and watched about 8 hours of it on Wednesday. I don't think I have ever sat in my bed for that long a period of time when I wasn't sleeping.
Even now, a week later I'm still feeling the after effects. The weezing is particulary attractive, not to mention the phlegm laden coughs that come out of no where and cause me to blush at my disgustinness. Lovely.
Other than that, I suppose I'm in full hibernation mode. I don't really have anyone to talk to. My friends are either, busy, in a relationship or too far away. I don't like to bother them. I'm not really thinking about tomorrow as anything more than a normal Thursday. What's the point? I'll just feel sorry for myself and why? No reason really.
I did venture out Saturday for a friends B-day. C and I headed out The Beehive in the South End. I love the South End, but don't get there as often as I would like. Its not Public Transportation friendly, but I was lucky to find a good space. The place was different; ecclectic, with a strange mix of people, between hipsters and the artsy crowd, to the trendy ones and then me, average girl.
Oh, I did get groped on the way out and was equal parts disgusted and pleased that the old girl still has it. Not groped, just stopped by a hand on my stomach, until I politely explained we were on our way out while looking pointedly at his lit cigarette in doors.
This weekend is a long one. Hopefully it will amount to something, though I'm not getting my hopes up.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Panic Mode?
I want to move.
Well I don't WANT to move, but I'm not sure I want to stay where I am. My lease is up in May, and if I renew, I will still be there when I turn 30. For some reason that just strikes me, very hard, in the chest. I don't know why it takes my breath away. 30...sharing an apartment with virtual strangers....in and area I like, but is more suited for college students.... did I say 30?
I don't want to start panic mode, but recently its been creeping up on me. Where am I going? I'm more concerned with getting my life on track and being happy with my situation. Even my job is starting to give me doubts. I fear I'm almost too old for it, if that makes sense. When I interviewed I said I would start at entry level, now I'm wondering what I was thinking. I have my Master's for goodness sake! The girls are all younger than me and I'm sure they're wondering what the Hell I'm doing. I wish I knew. I like my job and I don't dread coming to work like I used to, but I'm afraid of not living up to my potential.
Its been pretty lonely lately too. Its not that I want/need a boyfriend or relationship or whatnot, I just want someone to hang out with, to do stuff with, and just be there for me. Sometimes I relish my solitude and others I go mad. Sunday was a good example. I was supposed to visit S and see the baby, but the snow foiled my plans. (I have an irrational fear of driving in the snow) so there I was at 10 in the morning with nothing to do. I was petrified. How to fill the time? I was climbing the walls by four after grocery shopping, reading 3 magazines, a bit of my book, making a pot of soup and a casserole and watching uncountable episodes of America's Next Top Model. I made it through the day, but the rest of the week hasn't been much better.
I don't even think of marriage, I don't get panicky out of the lack of possibility of that in my life. I've never been the kind of girl to dream of her wedding. Sure I've talked about it, mostly to torment my mother with comments such as: I'm thinking barefoot or I don't think I want to get married in a church. Stuff like that. I'm not even sure if marriage would be the ultimate goal for me. I would like to meet someone that I could spend my life with and maybe have children, but I don't size up men as possible marriage material.
I just keep thinking that there has to be more to my life than this, but maybe I'm wrong? Maybe I'm destined to live a mundane life.
With the moving thing, I want to live IN the city. I just don't think I can afford it. Ever since I was young and my parent took me on my first walking tour of the nicest part of the city, I've wanted to live there. I littered my cork board with postcards of the area. I just don't think I can afford to live there. (Of course that's where charmed D lives.)
I guess I have to decide if I'm willing to shell out for where I want to be, or if I want to stay where I am for less money and always be a little dissatisfied.
I really have to take the next couple of months and figure out what I want to do and where I want to be. Life is so short and I try not to think about that fact because every time I get a little short of breath. I know its a little early to start panicking, but I just feel like I'm always waiting for something to happen, and nothing is. I've pretty much accepted that I'm going to be alone, but I don't want to be a lone and unhappy with where I am. I need to control what I can and get out of this perma-rut in which I seem to live.
Sigh... I'm a mixed up girl right now.
Well I don't WANT to move, but I'm not sure I want to stay where I am. My lease is up in May, and if I renew, I will still be there when I turn 30. For some reason that just strikes me, very hard, in the chest. I don't know why it takes my breath away. 30...sharing an apartment with virtual strangers....in and area I like, but is more suited for college students.... did I say 30?
I don't want to start panic mode, but recently its been creeping up on me. Where am I going? I'm more concerned with getting my life on track and being happy with my situation. Even my job is starting to give me doubts. I fear I'm almost too old for it, if that makes sense. When I interviewed I said I would start at entry level, now I'm wondering what I was thinking. I have my Master's for goodness sake! The girls are all younger than me and I'm sure they're wondering what the Hell I'm doing. I wish I knew. I like my job and I don't dread coming to work like I used to, but I'm afraid of not living up to my potential.
Its been pretty lonely lately too. Its not that I want/need a boyfriend or relationship or whatnot, I just want someone to hang out with, to do stuff with, and just be there for me. Sometimes I relish my solitude and others I go mad. Sunday was a good example. I was supposed to visit S and see the baby, but the snow foiled my plans. (I have an irrational fear of driving in the snow) so there I was at 10 in the morning with nothing to do. I was petrified. How to fill the time? I was climbing the walls by four after grocery shopping, reading 3 magazines, a bit of my book, making a pot of soup and a casserole and watching uncountable episodes of America's Next Top Model. I made it through the day, but the rest of the week hasn't been much better.
I don't even think of marriage, I don't get panicky out of the lack of possibility of that in my life. I've never been the kind of girl to dream of her wedding. Sure I've talked about it, mostly to torment my mother with comments such as: I'm thinking barefoot or I don't think I want to get married in a church. Stuff like that. I'm not even sure if marriage would be the ultimate goal for me. I would like to meet someone that I could spend my life with and maybe have children, but I don't size up men as possible marriage material.
I just keep thinking that there has to be more to my life than this, but maybe I'm wrong? Maybe I'm destined to live a mundane life.
With the moving thing, I want to live IN the city. I just don't think I can afford it. Ever since I was young and my parent took me on my first walking tour of the nicest part of the city, I've wanted to live there. I littered my cork board with postcards of the area. I just don't think I can afford to live there. (Of course that's where charmed D lives.)
I guess I have to decide if I'm willing to shell out for where I want to be, or if I want to stay where I am for less money and always be a little dissatisfied.
I really have to take the next couple of months and figure out what I want to do and where I want to be. Life is so short and I try not to think about that fact because every time I get a little short of breath. I know its a little early to start panicking, but I just feel like I'm always waiting for something to happen, and nothing is. I've pretty much accepted that I'm going to be alone, but I don't want to be a lone and unhappy with where I am. I need to control what I can and get out of this perma-rut in which I seem to live.
Sigh... I'm a mixed up girl right now.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Who's Stalking Whom?
In a small attempt to save money, I rarely buy lunch at work. I bring stuff from home and eat at my desk with my latest novel, so as not to be tempted to get a better lunch. Seeing that I've been obsessed with English muffins with peanut butter and banana this week, it would not be hard thing to be distracted.
Work has been a little mundane, so when Co-Worker mentioned she was heading to the Au Bon Pain at the Main Site, I decided to tag along. Shake it up a little! I know I'm so crazy.
We walk to the Main Site and of course I had to change into my commuting Uggs, or my feet would have been bloody stumps of frozen flesh by the time we got there. In other words, I was frumpy.
Now I have been to this particular ABP two whole times in the seven months since starting at my job. I know ONE person who works at the place and of course, who do I see as soon as I walk in. Yup! That familiar spiky head and that body in scrubs, yum! Yah I'm still in possession of my full-fledged Dr. fetish.
My heart starts racing and my face gets hot. I don't like seeing him in real life! I don't know how to act. I can't NOT go up to him, so I turn to Co-worker.
"That's D. I guess I should go say hi."
So I walk over, and his back is to me and I lean in and say, "Are you stalking me?" Um yes, I'm serious. I did say that. Why? Because I'm a social idiot.
He turns and after the flicker of surprise smiles and says hi. Then his phone rings. He answers it and busy myself getting my salad. I'm still nervous and pretty much walking around like an idiot and getting in peoples way. He gets off the phone.
"Hey how are you? I was thinking about you yesterday."
"You were? Why?" I'm so witty.
"I was just wondering how you were. Did you walk here?"
"Yes." Still a great conversationalist. His phone rings again, he answers it, I grab a drink and get in line. Co-Worker is behind me and I check out. He gets in line behind her, so all I manage is a "Bye" when I pass him.
Then of course I beat myself up over this encounter through lunch until I can't take it anymore and text him.
"Sorry if that was weird. I never know if I should bother you!"
He writes back quickly, "Why weird? We're friends, of course you should say hi."
We text a little bit, then I make some comment about my weakness for his butt in his scrubs and it kinda takes off from there.
We ended up hanging out last night and I brought up how its weird for me to see him in real life, it throws me off. He just said I was silly and I shouldn't ignore him in public. I know I'm silly, but when you're used to unpredictable male reactions, you can never be sure of where you stand and what you should think and how you should act. Its frustrating.
He unnerves me in public, at his place I'm fine.
Last night was fun though, well its always fun. I'm not sure when I'll see him again, he's heading to a Central American country to perform 45 pro-bono cleft palate surgery's.
C'mon? Seriously? How can you not like him?
Work has been a little mundane, so when Co-Worker mentioned she was heading to the Au Bon Pain at the Main Site, I decided to tag along. Shake it up a little! I know I'm so crazy.
We walk to the Main Site and of course I had to change into my commuting Uggs, or my feet would have been bloody stumps of frozen flesh by the time we got there. In other words, I was frumpy.
Now I have been to this particular ABP two whole times in the seven months since starting at my job. I know ONE person who works at the place and of course, who do I see as soon as I walk in. Yup! That familiar spiky head and that body in scrubs, yum! Yah I'm still in possession of my full-fledged Dr. fetish.
My heart starts racing and my face gets hot. I don't like seeing him in real life! I don't know how to act. I can't NOT go up to him, so I turn to Co-worker.
"That's D. I guess I should go say hi."
So I walk over, and his back is to me and I lean in and say, "Are you stalking me?" Um yes, I'm serious. I did say that. Why? Because I'm a social idiot.
He turns and after the flicker of surprise smiles and says hi. Then his phone rings. He answers it and busy myself getting my salad. I'm still nervous and pretty much walking around like an idiot and getting in peoples way. He gets off the phone.
"Hey how are you? I was thinking about you yesterday."
"You were? Why?" I'm so witty.
"I was just wondering how you were. Did you walk here?"
"Yes." Still a great conversationalist. His phone rings again, he answers it, I grab a drink and get in line. Co-Worker is behind me and I check out. He gets in line behind her, so all I manage is a "Bye" when I pass him.
Then of course I beat myself up over this encounter through lunch until I can't take it anymore and text him.
"Sorry if that was weird. I never know if I should bother you!"
He writes back quickly, "Why weird? We're friends, of course you should say hi."
We text a little bit, then I make some comment about my weakness for his butt in his scrubs and it kinda takes off from there.
We ended up hanging out last night and I brought up how its weird for me to see him in real life, it throws me off. He just said I was silly and I shouldn't ignore him in public. I know I'm silly, but when you're used to unpredictable male reactions, you can never be sure of where you stand and what you should think and how you should act. Its frustrating.
He unnerves me in public, at his place I'm fine.
Last night was fun though, well its always fun. I'm not sure when I'll see him again, he's heading to a Central American country to perform 45 pro-bono cleft palate surgery's.
C'mon? Seriously? How can you not like him?
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