Why I Am the Best Ex-Girlfriend

"This is going to be a weird conversation, but I want you to be completely honest with me." This is how my ex M starts the conversation.

That opening seems a little ominous to me and I'm get the feeling that I may not have it in me to be completely honest with him. "okay shoot" I reply a little hesitantly.

"Okay, this is a little long and complicated, so I'll try to make it short." He then launches into a story about his wisdom tooth and how he keeps getting food stuck in between and he notices how it smells bad. He's telling me how he's really self conscious about it and he just came back from the oral surgeon. He went to the oral surgeon to see about getting the tooth remover because getting the food stuck in it causes him to have bad breath.

Reason #1 why I am a good ex. I am listening to this whole explanation only interjecting with the required "okays" and "uh huh's" even though his vivid description of his predicament is slightly turning my stomach.

"So the oral surgeon told me that extracting this tooth, on a scale from 1-5 with 5 being the most difficult would be a 5+. So now I have to decide if I want to have it done. So what I need to know from you is while we were dating, did you ever notice me having really bad breath."

I take a deep breath, glad that this is an easy question. I can answer this one.

Him not showering on the weekends, that bothered me. Him constantly smoking and not tobacco that bothered me. The snoring, that REALLY bothered me. I wrack my brain thinking of any time I was turned off by his breath. I come up empty and I'm pleased and a little relieved that I don't have to lie.

"I honestly don't remember a time when your breath was an issue for me."

"Really? Are you sure? Well that makes me feel better, because I met this AMAZING girl last weekend and I've been worried about my breath the whole time!"

Reason #2 why I am the best ex: I let him go on and on about this 4'11'', red headed hairdresser he met last weekend and say nothing except "Really? That's great! I'm happy for you."

Reason #3 why I am the best ex: He goes on to tell me that she texts him all day saying how she can't stop thinking about him, and she misses him (have I mentioned that they met last weekend) and I don't say what I'm really thinking which is "psycho!"

I'm also relieved because now I don't have to worry about putting him off about visiting, because I know there is only reason why he wants to visit.

I'm probably able to be the best ex-girlfriend because we ended so amicably and I'm not remotely attracted to him anymore.