Selfish

Last night I told J he was selfish. It just sort of slipped out and after it did I immediately regretted it. He is in a way, but I didn't have the energy for an argument.

It all stemmed from the All-Star Game we were watching last night. During the game they honored Roberto Clemente and had his wife accepted the award. I noticed that she still had that last name Clemente and I wondered if she had ever remarried or had relationships after his death. I lamented out loud, but he couldn't seem to grasp what was wrong with her being alone.

"Nothing is wrong with her being alone all these years, but wouldn't it be nice if she could have or if she did find someone else. Maybe not a true love, but for companionship?"

"If its true love she shouldn't have found someone else."

"So you mean to tell me that if you died young, you would want your wife to mourn you for the rest of your life and not be happy by finding someone to spend her life with and to help her raise her children."

"Yes"

"You really are selfish."

"God you're really getting all out. Last week I was annoying (I had forgotten that I had called him that, but he is sometimes) and now I'm selfish. Does everyone have a problem with me?"

"No, maybe selfish isn't the right word. The thing is you just get so wrapped up in the things that you are doing that you don't really care about anything or anyone else."

I guess that was just a more diplomatic way of saying he was selfish.

"I don't mean to"

"I know you don't, but it happens and I just think you should be more conscious of this."

Awkward silence.

Its funny, J is constantly telling me I need to stop being a door mat, but I guess he didn't realize that if I did so it would affect him as well.

I didn't sleep well last night. I keep thinking about the move and how it would be to live with the three of them. I'm not getting good vibes, and I think the negative comments are finally eating their way into me and taking root in my subconscious. I'm a girl who likes her sleep too, so this is doubly frustrating.

If so many people think I'm crazy for making this move, then they must be right?

Right?