G has been extra attentive lately. Well as attentive as you can be when you're 3,000 miles away. A call in the middle of the day on Saturday, which is virtually unheard of, another on Monday night just minutes after I had walked in from my date with My Crush and again last night, even though he's traveling for work.
Its strange.
Its also strange that I am warmed by his attention, pleased by it. G is still number one with me and I cannot shake that feeling. We talked for two hours after my date, where I was before the call never came up and I didn't offer any information. As our conversation progressed all thoughts of the easy first date with My Crush fell away and I was consumed with G, like the date never happened. Its not like our phone calls are intense or chalk full of interesting conversation, they're just comfortable. I sleep better after them, they make me feel good.
My first thought, after the shock of being asked out by My Crush, was "G". I felt unnecessarily guilty. I don't owe him anything, but I can't shake him. I'm not doing anything wrong. If it was something in me that was missing for him, then its his loss. My life can't be put on hold, hoping some day he will realize that I am the one for him. Life doesn't work that way and as much as I am resisting moving on, I know I must.
I did ask him to friend S's wedding and November. I figured we could make a weekend out of it. He wasn't very receptive at first. "I don't do weddings." Can there be a more lame excuse than that? I got "we'll see." as a response too.
Last night it was more of the lines of, "Well now I have to worry about getting a suit." and "So we can probably leave after dinner right?" No, not right.
I'm thinking, what happens if things progress with My Crush?
At one point I asked him if he liked all the travel he does for work.
"Its not that I like it, I can just make a lot of money with it. I need to be financially stable."
I laugh, "Financially stable for what?" I'm used to him talking about buying houses and being able to retire at 55. Things I never think about. He's the ant and I'm the grasshopper.
"For you." Was his serious reply. It was so matter-of-fact that I had no response.
He makes no sense. The only thing I can think is that he just doesn't know what he wants or he wants to be at certain place in his life before he will allow himself what he wants.
I guess I'll just hold on and enjoy the ride. All I know is I don't OWE anyone anything. Its useless worry about things and who's to say that My Crush is even going to follow up?
Its just strange that he's been more attentive lately. He does work for the government, I'm keeping my eyes open for men in dark suits and sunglasses talking into head sets.
2 comments:
I love your blog- it's really funny & well written. But I feel obligated to say that if you TRULY want to be in a relationship then you need to hang up the phone & stop living in the past. Your Crush may or may not be your future but you'll never know if you are too busy thinking about what might have been. Anyone looking in can clearly see that G is not the one for you- he even seems like he is leading you on a little bit for his own ego (Don't all men love a hot woman to pine for them?) I don't know - just a thought. Keep writing!
Thanks! Any advice is surely appreciated. Its pretty obvious how tight my blinders are, so any outside perspective is great.
My first reaction was "Mom? Did you find my blog?"
Thanks though and thanks for reading and commenting!
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