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I don't feel right today.

I can't exactly put my finger on why though. It may be the weather, seeing that wind and driving rain has never really picked up anyone's spirits. It could be the PMS that is causing the anxiety that is waking me up in the morning, turning my stomach into a hard pit of uncertainty. It could be the fact that a certain Doctor is MIA yet again, causing my mind into over-drive to try and figure out what I did wrong this time. Maybe its a full-moon? Maybe I had too much sodium yesterday and I am dehydrated. Maybe its low-blood sugar. Maybe I'm thinking too much.

I do think too much. Its pure and simple. I worry what people think about me, my appearance, my attitude, my life. I ruin experiences because I can't shut my brain off. I can't act in the moment and now I'm kicking myself for being that way.

I'm afraid I ruined something very recently, and the most frustrating part is knowing what you have done and not being able to fix it. Its the waiting and the hoping that is driving me slightly off.

The biggest question is why? Why do I care so much? I know who I am and what I have to offer, but I'm constantly worried that it is not enough, but shouldn't it be no matter what? It is who I am, and I cannot change that and that should be enough for everyone and if it isn't for some, then I can't really help that. Its a hard lesson to learn and accept, but I'm working towards it. I'm definitely not there yet, I don't even know if I'm close. I'm not even sure what it will take TO get me there.

I just know what brings me down, should not, and the fact that it does makes me angry. Then there I go thinking too much again. I cannot accept that my feelings just ARE, I have to justify them to be the proper feelings. How I'm supposed to feel in a certain situation as determined by the outside influences.

I'm supposed to be an independent, intelligent, competent woman. Yet I still feel the way I do about a delayed or absent phone call. I'm not supposed to care right? I feel guilty for caring. For wanting something like that in my life. I'm supposed to keep on trucking in my fabulous (empty) life?

Chin up right? I'm just tired. Tired of thinking and caring and not seeing any results. Tired of the pit in my stomach and the anxiety in my chest. Tired of the prick of tears in the back of my eyes. It makes me not even want to try, to just be alone. It seems easier that way. Just to be devoid of emotions.

Yes, much, much easier.