My Gas Light

Not many things can run on empty, if any at all. I've felt all weekend like my gas light has been on, warning me that I'm not going to make it much further if I don't fill up.

I think I've found where Empty lives. Personally for me, it resides in that little hollow, soft spot right below the heart, nestled right between the rib cage. It aches and cannot be satisfied by anything more than time and patience and as much as I'm trying to allow myself both, the feeling can be unbearable at times. That hollow empty feeling mixed with anger for allowing me to fall backwards has been plaguing me all weekend.

Its been a struggle to be pleasant and grateful and happy. Even more of struggle to enjoy my own special day, to be happy for what others have done for me or given me, but all I see is a dozen roses as a reminder I will be alone next weekend and reminder I was let down again.

I had prepared myself for what was coming, just time spent together enjoying each other's company. I did not expect any changes in the situation, declarations of undying devotions. Just time to have fun and not be worried about what was going on, what was going to happen, or what feelings were there or not there. I know now and I don't have to worry. What I didn't prepare myself for was the disappointment of it not happening. That is what has spiraled me backwards, the ache, the emptiness and the pure disappointment in what may not be, returning.

"I'm sticking with my first thought of you. That you're too good for me." G said in one of our long conversations.

He's not the first to say that, yet then they either take me for granted or disappoint me, or "there's something missing." I don't understand how someone can be "too good" for you, but there's still something missing. Doesn't that mean you're not good enough?

The next time (if) I hear that phrase again my response will be "You're right" and walk away. That seems like it might be the best way to preserve myself.

For right now, I'm working on the eviction notice for Empty.