These are the kind of friends you need in a time like this. Always looking out for your best interest.
Dear President Bush,
I would like to direction your attention to a letter from my sex deprived angry friend Kate. She appears quite distraught and angry with the Thai government. I think it is in your best interest to send a super hot, also sex deprived, government agent to her home in Q to deal with her ASAP.
Over and out,
A concerned citizen,
S
(I love how we keep ourselves entertained!)
Friday, May 26, 2006
Chem Lawn and Allergies
The combination of the two are making me quite loopy on this VERY slow Friday afternoon, thus producing this email recently sent to friend S.
Dear Thailand,
Mebbee if you could take care of your stupid self you wouldn't need the stupid navy there, thus depriving me of sex, quasi-love and affection..
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!
Ditto the US NAVY!
sincerely,
Kate
Thailand, US Navy and general gov't hater.*
Not to mention sexually deprived.
*I do not hate the government nor Thailand (I would actually love to visit someday) I do have a grudge against the Navy, purely for selfish reasons.
Its just that sexually deprived girls are very cranky.
Plus, I sent a text to D inquiring about long weekend plans and have had no response. I feel foolish now.
Dear Thailand,
Mebbee if you could take care of your stupid self you wouldn't need the stupid navy there, thus depriving me of sex, quasi-love and affection..
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!
Ditto the US NAVY!
sincerely,
Kate
Thailand, US Navy and general gov't hater.*
Not to mention sexually deprived.
*I do not hate the government nor Thailand (I would actually love to visit someday) I do have a grudge against the Navy, purely for selfish reasons.
Its just that sexually deprived girls are very cranky.
Plus, I sent a text to D inquiring about long weekend plans and have had no response. I feel foolish now.
Love me, Love myself
Last night on the phone my ex M told me he could have easily fallen in love with me if I had loved myself more.
Which is total BS because he DID tell me he loved me about a month and a half into the relationship. Now he's claiming he said, I am falling in love with you, but I remember him saying:
"I have something I want to say, and I know its very soon, but I think I should say them."
I knew what it was going to be, I just had a feeling, and had a little mini-panic attack because I was no where near having the same feelings. It was like slow motion, there was nothing I could do to stop it.
"I love you" I was glad it was dark.
"Ummm, hmmm? You do?"
"Yes, you're great"
"Oh well, thanks. Ummmm, I'm getting there." Squirming uncomfortably.
Yes, "I'm getting there" was the best I could come up with under pressure.
It was from that moment the whole relationship shifted. He withdrew and the relationship dragged on for eight more months, where he was aloof and unpredictable and pretty much took me for granted. It was THEN that the self-doubt and self esteem issues moved in, and maybe where he got the idea that I didn't "love myself."
I called him out on it last night. My super bitch mood still being in full affect.
"Don't you think that you may have gotten the feeling that I didn't love myself due to the fact that you took me for granted and basically treated my badly?"
"Umm, I guess that could have been a factor."
"Ya'think?" Then I felt bad. It was so long ago, we were both with each other for convenience sake there really wasn't any use in analyzing what went wrong in our relationship.
"I'm just saying that a girl who loves herself is the most attractive girl there is, and you are so great and beautiful, but if you had loved yourself more I would have definitely fallen in love with you."
"M, what does a girl who loves herself look like?"
Long pause.
"That's a good question." Yet another long pause. "She's confident. Not that you aren't confident, but she...." He trails off so I decided to save him.
"Look M, I know what you're saying. I've heard it all before. I know who I am and I know what I have to offer. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine. I know you're trying to help." End of that portion of the conversation.
"So when are you coming to NY to visit?" Translation: I'm lazy and horny.
"I don't know, I don't think I'll be much fun." Translation: I don't want to sleep with you.
"That's a horrible reason not to come visit. You can't just wallow forever."
"Leave me alone its only been a week. You know, I'm really tired. I'll get back to you about NY."
End of conversation.
Which is total BS because he DID tell me he loved me about a month and a half into the relationship. Now he's claiming he said, I am falling in love with you, but I remember him saying:
"I have something I want to say, and I know its very soon, but I think I should say them."
I knew what it was going to be, I just had a feeling, and had a little mini-panic attack because I was no where near having the same feelings. It was like slow motion, there was nothing I could do to stop it.
"I love you" I was glad it was dark.
"Ummm, hmmm? You do?"
"Yes, you're great"
"Oh well, thanks. Ummmm, I'm getting there." Squirming uncomfortably.
Yes, "I'm getting there" was the best I could come up with under pressure.
It was from that moment the whole relationship shifted. He withdrew and the relationship dragged on for eight more months, where he was aloof and unpredictable and pretty much took me for granted. It was THEN that the self-doubt and self esteem issues moved in, and maybe where he got the idea that I didn't "love myself."
I called him out on it last night. My super bitch mood still being in full affect.
"Don't you think that you may have gotten the feeling that I didn't love myself due to the fact that you took me for granted and basically treated my badly?"
"Umm, I guess that could have been a factor."
"Ya'think?" Then I felt bad. It was so long ago, we were both with each other for convenience sake there really wasn't any use in analyzing what went wrong in our relationship.
"I'm just saying that a girl who loves herself is the most attractive girl there is, and you are so great and beautiful, but if you had loved yourself more I would have definitely fallen in love with you."
"M, what does a girl who loves herself look like?"
Long pause.
"That's a good question." Yet another long pause. "She's confident. Not that you aren't confident, but she...." He trails off so I decided to save him.
"Look M, I know what you're saying. I've heard it all before. I know who I am and I know what I have to offer. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine. I know you're trying to help." End of that portion of the conversation.
"So when are you coming to NY to visit?" Translation: I'm lazy and horny.
"I don't know, I don't think I'll be much fun." Translation: I don't want to sleep with you.
"That's a horrible reason not to come visit. You can't just wallow forever."
"Leave me alone its only been a week. You know, I'm really tired. I'll get back to you about NY."
End of conversation.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
My Passion (Or Lack There-of)
Someone asked me last night what my passion was.
"Ummm, I don't have one?"
Even as I said it I felt ashamed! I barely know this person and they already think I'm less of a person for not having any goals. Granted this person's passion was Sales so I don't' know who he is to judge.
He also classified me as a "browser", (some sales term) someone who looks around but not ready to commit to buying anything and most likely won't, but was equating that to my personality. I am a pretty indecisive person so the description actually does fit me well, although I was a little offended by his generalization of my character.
I felt like yelling, "You don't know me!" While feeling equally embarrassed that he was in-fact pretty accurate. Needless to say, I will not be going out with him on Friday night as he asked, seeing it was my hesitation to accept which produced the whole "Browser" lecture. No one likes to be reminded of their faults.
I'm going to have to start making a list of acceptable of "passions" so I can answer that question in hopes that no one actually follows up on me.
You know, something other than my actual passions which entail, reading books I don't have to think about and are usually embarrassed to show people, reality TV, (yes I have the McPhever, no I did not vote, though my mom did) and seeing how long I can sleep on the weekend without having to get up and use the bathroom.
"Ummm, I don't have one?"
Even as I said it I felt ashamed! I barely know this person and they already think I'm less of a person for not having any goals. Granted this person's passion was Sales so I don't' know who he is to judge.
He also classified me as a "browser", (some sales term) someone who looks around but not ready to commit to buying anything and most likely won't, but was equating that to my personality. I am a pretty indecisive person so the description actually does fit me well, although I was a little offended by his generalization of my character.
I felt like yelling, "You don't know me!" While feeling equally embarrassed that he was in-fact pretty accurate. Needless to say, I will not be going out with him on Friday night as he asked, seeing it was my hesitation to accept which produced the whole "Browser" lecture. No one likes to be reminded of their faults.
I'm going to have to start making a list of acceptable of "passions" so I can answer that question in hopes that no one actually follows up on me.
You know, something other than my actual passions which entail, reading books I don't have to think about and are usually embarrassed to show people, reality TV, (yes I have the McPhever, no I did not vote, though my mom did) and seeing how long I can sleep on the weekend without having to get up and use the bathroom.
The Wicked Bitch of the Desk
I fear I am becoming a mean person. For someone who prides herself on her patience and generally amiable personality, this is quite distressing news. I've been catching the tone of my voice as I half-heartedly answer the phone, and I can feel the sneers on my face as I talk to people that morph into full on dirty looks as they walk away from me.
I'm short with people, almost borderline rude. My only solace is that most of the people I deal with are completely self absorbed and probably do not notice my attitude in the least bit.
I need a new job. Pure and simple. Well people think its pure and simple, but they don't work here. This is not a traditional workplace and I feel that my announcement of leaving would be seen as an act of treachery, rather that a twenty-something moving forward to actually utilize the master's degree that she's placed on the shelf for nine months.
You think they would be happy. My work effort has completely escaped me! I have twenty-four unreturned voice mails sitting in my inbox, and when I get the energy to actually listen to them all I will most likely *3 them into the vortex of deleted messages. It takes supreme effort for me to pick up the receiver when the phone actually rings and don't even get me started on my email!
Right now I'm concentrating on not snapping at my assistant. Violence in the workplace is never a good thing.
I think I'm cranky over the small amount of personal emails that I have been receiving in the past few days. Don't my friend realize that the little mindless exchanges are saving me from insanity!
I will also blame their absence on me contacting unsuitable men and making inappropriate comments.
I'm short with people, almost borderline rude. My only solace is that most of the people I deal with are completely self absorbed and probably do not notice my attitude in the least bit.
I need a new job. Pure and simple. Well people think its pure and simple, but they don't work here. This is not a traditional workplace and I feel that my announcement of leaving would be seen as an act of treachery, rather that a twenty-something moving forward to actually utilize the master's degree that she's placed on the shelf for nine months.
You think they would be happy. My work effort has completely escaped me! I have twenty-four unreturned voice mails sitting in my inbox, and when I get the energy to actually listen to them all I will most likely *3 them into the vortex of deleted messages. It takes supreme effort for me to pick up the receiver when the phone actually rings and don't even get me started on my email!
Right now I'm concentrating on not snapping at my assistant. Violence in the workplace is never a good thing.
I think I'm cranky over the small amount of personal emails that I have been receiving in the past few days. Don't my friend realize that the little mindless exchanges are saving me from insanity!
I will also blame their absence on me contacting unsuitable men and making inappropriate comments.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Losing it
I just argued with a five year old.
Robby: Miss Kate can I have the attendance?
Me: I guess. Do NOT come behind the counter its a special place.
(Minute Later)
Robby: Miss Kate, you gave me the wrong attendance. (Which is very possible)
Me: (looking at attendance) No Robby, this is the right one, see it says "May" right here.
Robby: Yah, but it says Fall 2005 right here!
Me: (Stomping over to desk, grabbing pen, crossing out Fall 2005 and writing Spring 2006) There! Now it spring.
Robby: (Blinks twice before running back to classroom)
Me: (muttering) Great! Now I have five year olds telling me how to do my job!
Robby returns with the attendance, hands it over and starts touching everything on my counter.
Me: Robby, I'm going to count to Five and you better be in the classroom. Five, (he just grins) Four, (looks at me suspiciously) Three (bolts towards the classroom) Two, Robby you better be in there!, ONE!
Why do they always fall for the counting trick? Like I would be able to do anything if he just stood there looking at me while I counted down to one. Thank goodness he didn't test me, because I had nothing and would have lost all of my "Miss Kate" authority. I'm a little embarrassed that counting to five was the best I could do, not to mention I didn't even say there was a consequence.
Robby: Miss Kate can I have the attendance?
Me: I guess. Do NOT come behind the counter its a special place.
(Minute Later)
Robby: Miss Kate, you gave me the wrong attendance. (Which is very possible)
Me: (looking at attendance) No Robby, this is the right one, see it says "May" right here.
Robby: Yah, but it says Fall 2005 right here!
Me: (Stomping over to desk, grabbing pen, crossing out Fall 2005 and writing Spring 2006) There! Now it spring.
Robby: (Blinks twice before running back to classroom)
Me: (muttering) Great! Now I have five year olds telling me how to do my job!
Robby returns with the attendance, hands it over and starts touching everything on my counter.
Me: Robby, I'm going to count to Five and you better be in the classroom. Five, (he just grins) Four, (looks at me suspiciously) Three (bolts towards the classroom) Two, Robby you better be in there!, ONE!
Why do they always fall for the counting trick? Like I would be able to do anything if he just stood there looking at me while I counted down to one. Thank goodness he didn't test me, because I had nothing and would have lost all of my "Miss Kate" authority. I'm a little embarrassed that counting to five was the best I could do, not to mention I didn't even say there was a consequence.
Sunday, May 21, 2006
My Gas Light
Not many things can run on empty, if any at all. I've felt all weekend like my gas light has been on, warning me that I'm not going to make it much further if I don't fill up.
I think I've found where Empty lives. Personally for me, it resides in that little hollow, soft spot right below the heart, nestled right between the rib cage. It aches and cannot be satisfied by anything more than time and patience and as much as I'm trying to allow myself both, the feeling can be unbearable at times. That hollow empty feeling mixed with anger for allowing me to fall backwards has been plaguing me all weekend.
Its been a struggle to be pleasant and grateful and happy. Even more of struggle to enjoy my own special day, to be happy for what others have done for me or given me, but all I see is a dozen roses as a reminder I will be alone next weekend and reminder I was let down again.
I had prepared myself for what was coming, just time spent together enjoying each other's company. I did not expect any changes in the situation, declarations of undying devotions. Just time to have fun and not be worried about what was going on, what was going to happen, or what feelings were there or not there. I know now and I don't have to worry. What I didn't prepare myself for was the disappointment of it not happening. That is what has spiraled me backwards, the ache, the emptiness and the pure disappointment in what may not be, returning.
"I'm sticking with my first thought of you. That you're too good for me." G said in one of our long conversations.
He's not the first to say that, yet then they either take me for granted or disappoint me, or "there's something missing." I don't understand how someone can be "too good" for you, but there's still something missing. Doesn't that mean you're not good enough?
The next time (if) I hear that phrase again my response will be "You're right" and walk away. That seems like it might be the best way to preserve myself.
For right now, I'm working on the eviction notice for Empty.
I think I've found where Empty lives. Personally for me, it resides in that little hollow, soft spot right below the heart, nestled right between the rib cage. It aches and cannot be satisfied by anything more than time and patience and as much as I'm trying to allow myself both, the feeling can be unbearable at times. That hollow empty feeling mixed with anger for allowing me to fall backwards has been plaguing me all weekend.
Its been a struggle to be pleasant and grateful and happy. Even more of struggle to enjoy my own special day, to be happy for what others have done for me or given me, but all I see is a dozen roses as a reminder I will be alone next weekend and reminder I was let down again.
I had prepared myself for what was coming, just time spent together enjoying each other's company. I did not expect any changes in the situation, declarations of undying devotions. Just time to have fun and not be worried about what was going on, what was going to happen, or what feelings were there or not there. I know now and I don't have to worry. What I didn't prepare myself for was the disappointment of it not happening. That is what has spiraled me backwards, the ache, the emptiness and the pure disappointment in what may not be, returning.
"I'm sticking with my first thought of you. That you're too good for me." G said in one of our long conversations.
He's not the first to say that, yet then they either take me for granted or disappoint me, or "there's something missing." I don't understand how someone can be "too good" for you, but there's still something missing. Doesn't that mean you're not good enough?
The next time (if) I hear that phrase again my response will be "You're right" and walk away. That seems like it might be the best way to preserve myself.
For right now, I'm working on the eviction notice for Empty.
Friday, May 19, 2006
And the Universe Speaks
Universe: Is that Kate? I don't recognize her, what is different? Oh my! Is that? Is she? I think she may be? Happy? Yes! That is it!! That's what is different! Well now, how did that happen? She seems optimistic, confident and I think she may be looking forward to something? Well this isn't right, I'm getting a little off kilter, this universe needs to straiten her out! Now what can we do? What can we do? Hmmmmm...I have it! The thing she is really looking forward too, we have to make that not happen! A little disappointment will put everything back to normal and everything will be right in the universe and tomorrow will be the perfect day for it!
G isn't coming next weekend. His job is sending him to Thailand for two weeks, leaving tomorrow. I was surprised by the emotions that sprung up from that phone call, a three hour, exhausting, emotionally draining phone call. Definitely knocks you down a few pegs.
Oh did I mention its my birthday? Happy flippin birthday to me!
Side Note: Did receive happy birthday text from D after overnight call. Was pleased.
G isn't coming next weekend. His job is sending him to Thailand for two weeks, leaving tomorrow. I was surprised by the emotions that sprung up from that phone call, a three hour, exhausting, emotionally draining phone call. Definitely knocks you down a few pegs.
Oh did I mention its my birthday? Happy flippin birthday to me!
Side Note: Did receive happy birthday text from D after overnight call. Was pleased.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Word of Advice
Don't make out when the evening news in on. Talk about mood killer!
D and I were enjoying a session when the news came on. I swear every leading new story was about a pedophile or child porn and as much as the experience is great, the words, "child", "porn" and "exposed himself in the children's room of the library", just catches the attention of both parties and distracts from the good stuff.
I, of course, start cracking up at the hilarity of the situation, thus ending said session. We change the channel and happen upon a segment on the recent alligator attacks in Florida.
"Did you know they found that jogger's arms in the alligator's belly?" The well informed D tells me.
Fascinating!
Door officially slammed shut on the making out portion of the evening. Just as well, the train ride is long and it was pretty late and who am I to try and compete with alligator attacks! I didn't have the energy at that point.
It was good while it lasted and he did say he wouldn't feed me pizza the next time I come over. So there should be a repeat performance.
D and I were enjoying a session when the news came on. I swear every leading new story was about a pedophile or child porn and as much as the experience is great, the words, "child", "porn" and "exposed himself in the children's room of the library", just catches the attention of both parties and distracts from the good stuff.
I, of course, start cracking up at the hilarity of the situation, thus ending said session. We change the channel and happen upon a segment on the recent alligator attacks in Florida.
"Did you know they found that jogger's arms in the alligator's belly?" The well informed D tells me.
Fascinating!
Door officially slammed shut on the making out portion of the evening. Just as well, the train ride is long and it was pretty late and who am I to try and compete with alligator attacks! I didn't have the energy at that point.
It was good while it lasted and he did say he wouldn't feed me pizza the next time I come over. So there should be a repeat performance.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
My Life
My life is very bizarre today so I feel like I have to keep posting to make sense of it. So I apologize for the deluge of posts.
My latest exchange with ex C.
Me: "Oh I found your Angel's World Series T-shirt in my bottom drawer. Do you want it?"
Him: "Only if you deliver it wearing nothing but it."
Whaaaaat?
My latest exchange with ex C.
Me: "Oh I found your Angel's World Series T-shirt in my bottom drawer. Do you want it?"
Him: "Only if you deliver it wearing nothing but it."
Whaaaaat?
Side-note
Just to complicate things more and twist my mind just that much more. D is still around. He texted on Saturday.
"Where'd you go?"
Needles to say I was a little floored by that. Where did I go? Hello! Right here! Didn't go anywhere!
Boys are frustrating. No plans were made Saturday. So I spontaneously texted him this morning about my being in the city this weekend and we should meet up. He's going to be in New York, and asked me if I was free tonight.
I begged off J and Kate night and J graciously allowed me to trade for tomorrow, and by graciously I mean dinner is on me tomorrow night, and I think D and I are meeting up. Though given the history, I wouldn't be surprised if I don't hear back.
Should be interesting and not the least bit confusing!
"Where'd you go?"
Needles to say I was a little floored by that. Where did I go? Hello! Right here! Didn't go anywhere!
Boys are frustrating. No plans were made Saturday. So I spontaneously texted him this morning about my being in the city this weekend and we should meet up. He's going to be in New York, and asked me if I was free tonight.
I begged off J and Kate night and J graciously allowed me to trade for tomorrow, and by graciously I mean dinner is on me tomorrow night, and I think D and I are meeting up. Though given the history, I wouldn't be surprised if I don't hear back.
Should be interesting and not the least bit confusing!
Confused much?
G is coming to visit.
Yes, the same guy that told me exactly a month ago, that something was missing, is spending money and coming to Boston for six days over Memorial Day weekend.
Yes, I am allowing him to come. I miss him.
It doesn't make much sense. Nothing has changed, I'm pretty sure his feelings haven't changed and I do not expect anything to come out of this visit. Will not, cannot expect anything to come out of this visit.
I'm worried though. I feel like I've made a lot of progress in the past month. I've moved on to a degree, or at least started to look forward as to changing my life and committing to be Boston. I've completely shut off the San Diego part of my brain, to the point where I don't even think of it as a viable option for me ever again. I am more comfortable with who I am as a person, in respect to my good qualities and the things I need to work on in myself. I don't want him to come here and set me into a tailspin of self-doubt and self-image issues. I've learned that if something is missing in me for him, there really isn't much I can do about it. I am who I am and I do kinda like me. I can't help it if my hips are a little wider. Birthing hips he called them, like it's supposed to make me feel better. I don't know how much thinner I can get, my hips and ribs already stick out. I have a big bone structure. That's not going to change.
I know who I am and I know that I'm a good person, and that's what should matter. I'm working on the door mat thing as well.
I guess I'm just confused about the whole situation, but I'll figure it out and I'll handle the emotions and I will have a good time, because when it comes right to it, I miss the fucker and I'm beyond excited that he is coming.
AND he's going to clean my apartment.
Yes, the same guy that told me exactly a month ago, that something was missing, is spending money and coming to Boston for six days over Memorial Day weekend.
Yes, I am allowing him to come. I miss him.
It doesn't make much sense. Nothing has changed, I'm pretty sure his feelings haven't changed and I do not expect anything to come out of this visit. Will not, cannot expect anything to come out of this visit.
I'm worried though. I feel like I've made a lot of progress in the past month. I've moved on to a degree, or at least started to look forward as to changing my life and committing to be Boston. I've completely shut off the San Diego part of my brain, to the point where I don't even think of it as a viable option for me ever again. I am more comfortable with who I am as a person, in respect to my good qualities and the things I need to work on in myself. I don't want him to come here and set me into a tailspin of self-doubt and self-image issues. I've learned that if something is missing in me for him, there really isn't much I can do about it. I am who I am and I do kinda like me. I can't help it if my hips are a little wider. Birthing hips he called them, like it's supposed to make me feel better. I don't know how much thinner I can get, my hips and ribs already stick out. I have a big bone structure. That's not going to change.
I know who I am and I know that I'm a good person, and that's what should matter. I'm working on the door mat thing as well.
I guess I'm just confused about the whole situation, but I'll figure it out and I'll handle the emotions and I will have a good time, because when it comes right to it, I miss the fucker and I'm beyond excited that he is coming.
AND he's going to clean my apartment.
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Off
I don't feel right today.
I can't exactly put my finger on why though. It may be the weather, seeing that wind and driving rain has never really picked up anyone's spirits. It could be the PMS that is causing the anxiety that is waking me up in the morning, turning my stomach into a hard pit of uncertainty. It could be the fact that a certain Doctor is MIA yet again, causing my mind into over-drive to try and figure out what I did wrong this time. Maybe its a full-moon? Maybe I had too much sodium yesterday and I am dehydrated. Maybe its low-blood sugar. Maybe I'm thinking too much.
I do think too much. Its pure and simple. I worry what people think about me, my appearance, my attitude, my life. I ruin experiences because I can't shut my brain off. I can't act in the moment and now I'm kicking myself for being that way.
I'm afraid I ruined something very recently, and the most frustrating part is knowing what you have done and not being able to fix it. Its the waiting and the hoping that is driving me slightly off.
The biggest question is why? Why do I care so much? I know who I am and what I have to offer, but I'm constantly worried that it is not enough, but shouldn't it be no matter what? It is who I am, and I cannot change that and that should be enough for everyone and if it isn't for some, then I can't really help that. Its a hard lesson to learn and accept, but I'm working towards it. I'm definitely not there yet, I don't even know if I'm close. I'm not even sure what it will take TO get me there.
I just know what brings me down, should not, and the fact that it does makes me angry. Then there I go thinking too much again. I cannot accept that my feelings just ARE, I have to justify them to be the proper feelings. How I'm supposed to feel in a certain situation as determined by the outside influences.
I'm supposed to be an independent, intelligent, competent woman. Yet I still feel the way I do about a delayed or absent phone call. I'm not supposed to care right? I feel guilty for caring. For wanting something like that in my life. I'm supposed to keep on trucking in my fabulous (empty) life?
Chin up right? I'm just tired. Tired of thinking and caring and not seeing any results. Tired of the pit in my stomach and the anxiety in my chest. Tired of the prick of tears in the back of my eyes. It makes me not even want to try, to just be alone. It seems easier that way. Just to be devoid of emotions.
Yes, much, much easier.
I can't exactly put my finger on why though. It may be the weather, seeing that wind and driving rain has never really picked up anyone's spirits. It could be the PMS that is causing the anxiety that is waking me up in the morning, turning my stomach into a hard pit of uncertainty. It could be the fact that a certain Doctor is MIA yet again, causing my mind into over-drive to try and figure out what I did wrong this time. Maybe its a full-moon? Maybe I had too much sodium yesterday and I am dehydrated. Maybe its low-blood sugar. Maybe I'm thinking too much.
I do think too much. Its pure and simple. I worry what people think about me, my appearance, my attitude, my life. I ruin experiences because I can't shut my brain off. I can't act in the moment and now I'm kicking myself for being that way.
I'm afraid I ruined something very recently, and the most frustrating part is knowing what you have done and not being able to fix it. Its the waiting and the hoping that is driving me slightly off.
The biggest question is why? Why do I care so much? I know who I am and what I have to offer, but I'm constantly worried that it is not enough, but shouldn't it be no matter what? It is who I am, and I cannot change that and that should be enough for everyone and if it isn't for some, then I can't really help that. Its a hard lesson to learn and accept, but I'm working towards it. I'm definitely not there yet, I don't even know if I'm close. I'm not even sure what it will take TO get me there.
I just know what brings me down, should not, and the fact that it does makes me angry. Then there I go thinking too much again. I cannot accept that my feelings just ARE, I have to justify them to be the proper feelings. How I'm supposed to feel in a certain situation as determined by the outside influences.
I'm supposed to be an independent, intelligent, competent woman. Yet I still feel the way I do about a delayed or absent phone call. I'm not supposed to care right? I feel guilty for caring. For wanting something like that in my life. I'm supposed to keep on trucking in my fabulous (empty) life?
Chin up right? I'm just tired. Tired of thinking and caring and not seeing any results. Tired of the pit in my stomach and the anxiety in my chest. Tired of the prick of tears in the back of my eyes. It makes me not even want to try, to just be alone. It seems easier that way. Just to be devoid of emotions.
Yes, much, much easier.
Monday, May 08, 2006
Sun-Kissed
I finally have my first color of the season.
In an age where tanning and sun worshipping is frowned upon, I am still elated by the first sting of the sunburn along the edges of my bathing suit. No longer do I resemble a pasty, blue-tinged imitation of myself. I HAVE COLOR! and its not white!
I know eventually I'll curse my sun-worshipping ways, but that slight itch, or the subtle sting in the shower as the hot water hits the newly pink skin just screams summer and I for one am glad its on its way.
I have tried alternate methods. I have tried the tanning booths, the subtle tanning lotions, but nothing is the same as the color that you get from being in the sunlight. I blame the hours spent of the beach on Cape Cod in the summer, tanning myself to a dark brown and bleaching my hair to natural white blond highlights that I have to shell out a ton for now, not even on purpose, just as an afterthought of playing in the waves for hours and drying in the sun.
Even now as I sit here in my sterile office at my awful workspace with fluorescent lighting and weird office smell, I can remember how it feels to spend eight hours at the beach instead of stuck at a desk. The way the salt would form a thin layer over every inch of my body and my hair would be stiff with it, tangled in knots that would cause World War III later when my mom would try to wrestle them out. Then sheer exhaustion blankets the sun soaked body, content and satisfied with a day well-spent and another on its way.
Even now, as I sit here absentmindedly scratching at my newly sun kissed skin, I can smell the Cape Cod summer and I would give anything to feel that way again.
In an age where tanning and sun worshipping is frowned upon, I am still elated by the first sting of the sunburn along the edges of my bathing suit. No longer do I resemble a pasty, blue-tinged imitation of myself. I HAVE COLOR! and its not white!
I know eventually I'll curse my sun-worshipping ways, but that slight itch, or the subtle sting in the shower as the hot water hits the newly pink skin just screams summer and I for one am glad its on its way.
I have tried alternate methods. I have tried the tanning booths, the subtle tanning lotions, but nothing is the same as the color that you get from being in the sunlight. I blame the hours spent of the beach on Cape Cod in the summer, tanning myself to a dark brown and bleaching my hair to natural white blond highlights that I have to shell out a ton for now, not even on purpose, just as an afterthought of playing in the waves for hours and drying in the sun.
Even now as I sit here in my sterile office at my awful workspace with fluorescent lighting and weird office smell, I can remember how it feels to spend eight hours at the beach instead of stuck at a desk. The way the salt would form a thin layer over every inch of my body and my hair would be stiff with it, tangled in knots that would cause World War III later when my mom would try to wrestle them out. Then sheer exhaustion blankets the sun soaked body, content and satisfied with a day well-spent and another on its way.
Even now, as I sit here absentmindedly scratching at my newly sun kissed skin, I can smell the Cape Cod summer and I would give anything to feel that way again.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Wine and Texting do not mix.... Or do they?
I'm shameless lately.
Friend C came over for dinner last night bearing a bottle of wine. I should know better by now not to drink with C due to her self-proclaimed low tolerance and penchant for having one glass of wine, prompting me to over compensate, typically having two to three glasses.
While preparing dinner I hear the familiar chirping of a text message on my phone. Figuring it was C letting me know that she was running late, imagine my surprise to see it was from a certain MIA Dr. The same man, who as of last Wednesday, did not posses text messaging. Several harmless messages are exchanged, then silence. Okay, whatever, the novelty of the new text messaging wears thin rather quickly.
C arrives, dinner is ready, wine is being poured. The night progresses and the frustration sets in. I don't know how MORE available I can make myself. Ask me out! Two glasses in at this point.
After another glass, American Idol/Gilmore Girls hybrid, C calls it a night and I'm left with my thoughts. At some point, I think it would be funny to text the man "Whatcha wearing?"
There is no chirping response. I silently curse my drunken self and trudge off to bed to think about what I have done. I was just about to doze off when the familiar chirps fill the silent room.
"Nothing, what about you?" A girl can't lie, so I text back brazenly and a conversation takes place, one that I'm blushing about now just thinking about it. Ending with "I think I like the sassy Kate" (not sure how I feel about the word sassy, but he's older so I'll let it slide) and the possibility for drinks tonight. If he gets out of work on time.
As of now, my drunken, shameless texting has produced favorable results, not to mention an extra $7.00 on my cell phone bill. In the light of day, as I review my actions, the classic over thinker that I am, I'm wondering where this new "sassy" Kate has come from. I kind of like her, but I'm afraid she may get me into trouble eventually. Brazen hussey that she is, she will probably blame it on the wine.
Friend C came over for dinner last night bearing a bottle of wine. I should know better by now not to drink with C due to her self-proclaimed low tolerance and penchant for having one glass of wine, prompting me to over compensate, typically having two to three glasses.
While preparing dinner I hear the familiar chirping of a text message on my phone. Figuring it was C letting me know that she was running late, imagine my surprise to see it was from a certain MIA Dr. The same man, who as of last Wednesday, did not posses text messaging. Several harmless messages are exchanged, then silence. Okay, whatever, the novelty of the new text messaging wears thin rather quickly.
C arrives, dinner is ready, wine is being poured. The night progresses and the frustration sets in. I don't know how MORE available I can make myself. Ask me out! Two glasses in at this point.
After another glass, American Idol/Gilmore Girls hybrid, C calls it a night and I'm left with my thoughts. At some point, I think it would be funny to text the man "Whatcha wearing?"
There is no chirping response. I silently curse my drunken self and trudge off to bed to think about what I have done. I was just about to doze off when the familiar chirps fill the silent room.
"Nothing, what about you?" A girl can't lie, so I text back brazenly and a conversation takes place, one that I'm blushing about now just thinking about it. Ending with "I think I like the sassy Kate" (not sure how I feel about the word sassy, but he's older so I'll let it slide) and the possibility for drinks tonight. If he gets out of work on time.
As of now, my drunken, shameless texting has produced favorable results, not to mention an extra $7.00 on my cell phone bill. In the light of day, as I review my actions, the classic over thinker that I am, I'm wondering where this new "sassy" Kate has come from. I kind of like her, but I'm afraid she may get me into trouble eventually. Brazen hussey that she is, she will probably blame it on the wine.
Monday, May 01, 2006
Highs and Lows
Its funny how fleeting the high moments are. I can feel up and optimistic, like I'm finally coming out of the hole, but then you slip right back in. Maybe not as deep as I was before, but down just the same.
I know I will regulate myself sooner or later, but to feel that high and then notice as it sinks back down. The butterflies are replace with that slick feeling of disappointment and despair.
I'll get there, keeping busy is the key right now. By keeping busy it means mooching off my friends every chance I get. Pretty soon they're going to breaking up with me. Keeping busy has also translated into TV shopping with my parents, tagging along to a party consisting of mostly married, pregnant people and helping J paint and rip up rug. (that was actually pretty therapeutic).
Apparently it also includes spontaneous phone calls and emails to old flames. All of which have come through wonderfully with complements, concerns and support.
My favorites include:
"Remember, we broke up because we were 3,000 miles away and that wasn't going to change, not because we didn't love each other." C
"I haven't really found anyone whose personality I liked, since you" M
"I remember when we lived together...I always wanted to hookup with you :-)" My former roommate T
Its always nice to know you're thought well of. Especially when the self esteem is a dangerous low.
I know I will regulate myself sooner or later, but to feel that high and then notice as it sinks back down. The butterflies are replace with that slick feeling of disappointment and despair.
I'll get there, keeping busy is the key right now. By keeping busy it means mooching off my friends every chance I get. Pretty soon they're going to breaking up with me. Keeping busy has also translated into TV shopping with my parents, tagging along to a party consisting of mostly married, pregnant people and helping J paint and rip up rug. (that was actually pretty therapeutic).
Apparently it also includes spontaneous phone calls and emails to old flames. All of which have come through wonderfully with complements, concerns and support.
My favorites include:
"Remember, we broke up because we were 3,000 miles away and that wasn't going to change, not because we didn't love each other." C
"I haven't really found anyone whose personality I liked, since you" M
"I remember when we lived together...I always wanted to hookup with you :-)" My former roommate T
Its always nice to know you're thought well of. Especially when the self esteem is a dangerous low.
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