Me

Close to the End

I didn't really want to write about this, but here it goes.

I rescheduled with the personal trainer. I didn't really want to, but I cancelled the first time and she had called me twice since then, so I figured that I probably wasn't going to be able to shake them. They are like pit bulls. Actually in retrospect she some what resembled a pit bull, but I digress.

My appointment was last night at 7. From my post yesterday, you can tell I was so UP for the challenge. It was the worst day of the month for me to have this scheduled on. I had no foresight.

I arrive and we go to "talk". I just wanted it to be over with. Everything was irritating me that night. My sneakers were tight, my sports bra was riding up or down depending on the moment and my face was breaking out.

First I got to get weighed. Again, the perfect day for this seeing as I was retaining more water than the Hoover Dam. I feel it was way off. At my estimates, I am 5'6" and I fluctuate between 140 and 145 lbs. No, I'm not satisfied with that, but I don't feel like I look like I weigh that much, I've just always been very proportional.

Trainer had a different idea, once she determined my body fat percentage she announced that I was in the "high risk" category.

I blinked at her and I'm pretty sure my mouth was open a little.

"I'm sorry?"

"Yes, the high risk, it means you are more at risk for heart disease, diabetes and stroke."

I'm a size 6 people. I looked down at myself. "I really don't think I look that bad." Trying to retain some bit of self-respect.

I know that I definitely need to hit the gym and that my fat content is probably a little higher than my muscle content, but close to those diseases? I'm not buyin it.

Which is exactly what they want. For you to buy it. I don't even think she was legitimate and later my brother confirmed that the trainers at said gym are not certified. They are put through the gym's program.

I told her I mainly joined the gym for the cardio machines. I really hate the gym, but I can't afford my own elliptical, so there I am. She of course doesn't believe in cardio, so strike 75 in her book. I also told her I can't afford to sign up for sessions and I really have no goals above feeling good.

"Okay, well if you just want to do cardio, then maybe I can help you with your diet. What did you eat today."

"I had a Luna bar and Coffee with skim milk and sugar for breakfast, a light English muffin with peanut butter, a non-fat vanilla yogurt with raspberries and 100 calorie pack of Cape Cod Chips for lunch and I drink water all day. I haven't had dinner yet."

"Oh okay, well you should try not to have sugar in your coffee and drop the Cape Cod chips." and she proceeded to drone on and tell me everything I already knew. Its a damn good thing I wasn't paying for this.

She finally gave up.

I did her work out, I finished her work out, and of course I broke a sweat. I know I'm out of shape, but let me tell you, if I were really "obese" and "high risk" I wouldn't have been able to complete the first exercise.

I was very annoyed and more than a little embarrassed that this troll-like mutant was looking down on me. At least I look feminine and not like some female version of Popeye.

Grrrrr.

I wouldn't want to look like her, she frightened me.

In the end she outlined the package for me. For the unbelievably astronomical sum I could have her ridicule me. Ummm, no thanks!

UGH! I'm STILL angry.

My Sign

I should be wearing a sign today.

It would say:

Please don't joke with me. I will not get it and will probably take it personally.

Please respond immediately to any question, concern, complaint or confusion that I may direct at you. If not, I will take it personally and get very anxious and annoyed that you have forgotten me.

Please do not taunt me. I will cry.

Please do not remind me how boring and mundane my life is. I will cry.

Please know this will all be moot tomorrow when the horrible hormones are eradicated from my body.

For some reason its always a Tuesday. Always. If you would like to place it in your Outlook with the above cautions it will be reoccurring every fourth Tuesday.

Thank you for your support.

Technical Difficulties

Technical difficulties meaning I am a big fat loser and have NOTHING, I repeat NOTHING to write about.

Unless you wanted a detailed description of all the food I've eaten in the past 5 days, and trust me I don't want to relive that.

I'm sucking up the last bit of summer by being a complete sloth.

I'm tempted to text D, even though I've sworn not to until AT LEAST Wednesday, JUST for something to write about.

Whoooeee, I'm pathetic.

Today I'm in detox from the past 5 days. I've had enough water to hydrate a football team, and burning enough calories just from the walk between my desk and the bathroom.

Yay me!

What I'm Supposed to Do

I was supposed to eat healthy last night because I cancelled my trainer, (who called to reschedule about 20 minutes later BTW), but instead I walked to my brother's and ordered wings with him and his roommate. They were good and bad at the same time. Do not fear! I drank diet Coke.

Then we watched Entourage and I walked home. I figured the walk there and back would counteract the effect of the wings. ( No, I don't really think that, but we'll pretend I do.)

Today I was supposed to venture out at lunch to break up the day and get me out of office hell, but I only trudged down to the microwave and ate Easy Mac and read my book at my desk. My legs are all squirmy from lack of movement.

Tonight I'm supposed to go to the gym, but I want to hibernate. Its unseasonably cold in Boston the past two days and I don't want to do anything. It will be all I can do to handle the commute home. I'm not quite sure what is wrong with me.

I'm not supposed to feel like this! This = crummy.

I'm supposed to have an exciting new job, but mine is boring and dull. I'm supposed to make new friends, but the girls scare me. They are judgemental and slightly mean.

I'm supposed to not miss D, but I do. I'm not really sure if I miss him or if I miss having something to disrupt my day. I'm leaning toward the daily disruptions. I feel he is interchangeable.

Anyone want to disrupt my day?

Gym Rat

I joined (re-joined?) a gym last week. Its in my new area and nicer than the one I had been going to for four years when I lived in Quincy and in Cambridge actually. It made sense while I a was still at my old job, but once I quit, the commute was ridiculous.

I haven't been to the gym in 3 months. Funny to say I've actually lost weight. I have a pretty good hike everyday to and from the T and those stairs in the Porter's square T station are no joke.

I was excited to join up and start a regular routine, but they have pissed me off. I just want to sign up and pay my dues and get going.

Never that simple.

The guy who signed me up was nice enough, I think he got the hing early on when he took me on my tour and I was pretty dismissive, saying I just wanted to pay and get it over with. I could find everything myself. Then they bring up the complementary personal training session. I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but I don't like superfluous touching, nor do I like being told what to do. It seems to me that personal training is the worse combination of the two. I also have tried a session once, being convinced by C to try it and I hated it. The trainer was pompous and had this superior attitude the WHOLE TIME!

It just made me cranky and complacent.

The guy at my new gym wouldn't take no for an answer!

I can be slacker in my own life, but I can't turn down a challenge. I've been competitive and athletic all my life, a trainer would just annoy me. I like to do things my own way, on my own time.

Ask my mom. She's got the home movies to prove it. Some say "free spirit", I believe she uses the term "holy terror" and/or "bitch".

So I cancelled for tonight. I feel horribly guilty, but I'll get over it. I wanted to start tonight at the gym, but now I feel like if I show up they might notice and hunt me down and ask my why I cancelled and then make me do push-ups or run, both equally horrible in my book.

I'm off to the gym tomorrow instead. Incognito!

Shameless

So I did it. I met D in his call room.

It was hilarious, fun, exciting and scary all at once and I'm so glad I did it. I was very apprehensive all day long. It didn't help that I hadn't heard from D all day, I was almost wondering if he had forgotten. Almost.

He hadn't and texted me around 6:30 wondering if I was up for it. I had dinner plans and told him I would text him when I was done. Sometime during the dinner, with three future doctors and on significant other of a future doctor, I decided I was going to do it. They assured me that people can just walk around hospitals and nothing would happen to him or me if we were caught except extreme embarrassment. Living my life, I know I can handle extreme embarrassment. I figured it was pretty much a once in a life time opportunity and I would be kicking myself later if I didn't go for it. Sometime during dessert, D texted asking me how it was going.

Oh it was going.

We made arrangements and after a quick stop at the grocery store for, ahem, provisions, (condoms) I was on my way. I guess I should be happy he DOESN'T have provisions at the hospital meaning he doesn't lure seemingly innocent girls, such as myself, into his call-room often.

I was in the lobby, and even though I have a security badge and could probably go in and out, I wanted to be as inconspicuous as possible. I waited outside.

I could see him coming down the stairs, and I'm ashamed to say, I am now in possession of a full-fledged Doctor Fetish. I don't know what it is, but something about the way the scrubs fell around his waist, the mask hanging from his neck, even the stupid surgical cap, I was a goner. He even had Crocks on, and I didn't laugh at him.

He hustled me up stairs and into the room. It was better than I expected and had a TV, which was good because D had to run.

Apparently kids were swallowing things that night. He promised to be back in 15 mins. 30 mins and a quick nap later, he was back and lets just say: fantasy accomplished and how!

Unfortunately it did have to be a quickie seeing he was getting paged left and right, but it was more for the experience than the actual sex. Sad to say, I was there more to say I DID it, more than I was for the ultimate accomplishment.

He owes me anyway, and he knows it, he texted me this morning to say he does, but now he's gone for a week. I hope he takes that time to come up with a very very good way to make up for what he owes me.

What Would Meredith Grey Do?

D and I have been in contact pretty regularly this week. By pretty regularly I mean everyday. Each day's texts getting more naughty. What we haven't done is actually find a time to get together.

Its him, he's the one with the important schedule. I just sit around, watch TV and shoot back texts as he sends them.

As the tension builds, he tells me he is leaving for Romania for a week for a colleague's wedding. We tried to get together last night, but he wasn't getting out until late. I have to work during the day on Friday and he takes off at 6:00 PM. He won't be back until the following Saturday.

I figure its just bad luck and we can pick up where we left off when he gets back from his trip.

D has other ideas.

He is on overnight call tonight, which is why we can't get together. Well... get together normally. D has made the suggestion that I meet him late night in his private on-call room, this text was also followed by some very suggestive language.

I'm ashamed because a thrill went through me when he made the suggestion. I was surprised that my initial reaction wasn't "Oh hell no!" My reaction was "Oh God that's really hot."

D has turned me into a monster and/or hussy, depending on how you are reading this post. We haven't really set up any details, he wasn't sure if it were going to be possible and I still don't know what I'm going to do.

The main problem is that its not just HIS place of business, its OURS. I could possibly be held accountable if, god forbid, we got caught.

Isn't that what makes it exciting though?

I suppose if I ever had any Grey's Anantomy fantasies, now's the time to act them out!

UPDATE 9:30 PM: I'm doin it.

No, I'm Not Kidding

So work is still pretty slow. I have my daily duties and a few things in between, but other than that I'm pretty much left to my own devices. Which is good and bad. I have turned to the good ol' Anne of Green Gables series for my literary distraction and dirty texting to D for carnal distraction.

Yesterday I was minding my own business, swapping texts with a frisky D when a most unexpected email pops into my inbox, from G.

Now if you having been keeping track, I've heard from G ONCE since this email in March. I've sent him a few tongue and cheek emails since then, expecting no results. I was pretty shocked to see it, and my heart started to race a little. I was a little mad that it did. I guess I'm always expecting negative news when it comes to stuff like that.

So I open the email, and the first paragraph is pretty standard. I've been meaning to write, but forget. (again flattery will get you everywhere) I'm in Sacramento, rent is cheap, I start work tomorrow, blah blah blah.

Then the second paragraph: (copied)

I hate doing this but to tell you the truth you are the only other girl friend I have. So my last girlfriend lives here also, the last one from San Diego. She had her ex-boyfriend visit this weekend and so they spent the weekend together and he stayed at her place. Now her and I are still kind of intimate, by the way sorry for the details, kind of like you and I were after we broke up but I found a pair of his underwear mixed in with her laundry and I wanted an honest opinion from a girls perspective. Is it totally benign that his underwear is mixed in with her laundry or should I definitely wonder if something went on that she is not telling me. I mean if you had a guy friend stay with you would there be any reason that there underwear would be there? You know me my worst fear is someone cheating, although technically not cheating since we are not together but we promised we would say something if we were intimate with someone else. So can you give me your honest opinion of what the chance is that I should be suspicious at all? Again sorry for putting this on you, I know it might be awkward but I trust your opinion. I hope everything is well and you are happy.

G

My jaw literally hit the top of my key board. Then I laughed out loud!

I composed myself and started my response. I just said I was glad that he had written and that I'm so much happier now that we're not dragging out our relationship or lack thereof and that if it makes him feel better about writing to me about the girl he is sleeping with, I'm sleeping with someone too.

In the second paragraph I resist writing what I really want to write in response to his dilemma, which is: "Hell yes she slept with him!"

I try to be a little more diplomatic. Saying that if she promised to tell him if she was intimate with other people then he should respect that she would be truthful with him and that he should go with his gut.

I also pointed out that if this is bothering him that much then maybe this isn't the best situation for him. If he's that stressed about someone he has no claim over then he should mention it to her and either discuss maybe not seeing other people or ending in completely.

I also told him that if my ex were visiting and we were not sleeping together AND he left his underwear in my apartment, I would have thrown it out, not washed it. ICK!

I feel I wrote a good response. Dare I say mature? It just made me realized how exhausting it was to be with G sometimes. His insecurities ( not that I am with out any) were so great and overwhelming at times. I could never make him see how great he really was as a person and as a partner whether emotionally or physically. I can almost feel how much that lone pair of underwear must be driving him crazy.

I almost feel sorry for him.

In response to the fact that I'm sleeping with someone else he remarked: "Well it is good to hear you found somebody else, but no it does not make me feel better per se, but I am happy if you are happy"

Not quite sure what to make of that...

Good Times

Its unbelievable how much not hating your job makes your life better.

Waking up and not dreading the day a head of you works wonders in all aspects of your life. For the first time in a really long time I feel like my life has so much more potential! I don't feel stuck in a rut or in a funk or like nothing will ever go my way. Now that the move has past and I'm settling into the new job I just feel good!

New apartment, new routine, new gym as of yesterday; its falling into place. Now if only I could get my Registration stickers and get my parking permit I would be all set! That is the only thorn in my side.

I came to this revelation on Sunday while speeding across Buzzards Bay in a speed boat on the way back from Cuttyhunk. I had gone on a spur of the moment trip with friends to the tiny island. I was a little reluctant to go at first, feeling extremely lazy, but I pulled myself together and we were on our way. It was a gorgeous day, the kind that made it a crime to be indoors. We had anchored in the shallow harbor and dived into the icy waters from the stern of the boat. I hadn't swam in the ocean in longer than I can remember and was thrilled when I plunged into the cool saltiness of the water. It took me back about fifteen years when I spent a few night moored in the same harbor on my friend's sailboat.

As much as I resist it, I am a product of New England. Everything about the place strikes a sense of nostalgia. Just one hint of the salt waters conjured up images of sandy sun bleached summers of years past.

I can almost go as far as to say I felt rejuvenated by the water, like it provided some life-blood that I have been missing. It was as if my body knew, independent of me because when my friend asked me where we wanted to go, I replied at once that I wanted to go swimming, not even thinking about it first.

When you grow up with salt in your veins its hard to eradicate it and even though I spent time on the West Coast around some of the most beautiful beaches in the world, I will never feel as comfortable as I do on a small strip of rocky sand stretching into a calm green-blue depth of a New England beach.

I smiled to myself streaming back to the main land. I turned my head and briefly laid my tongue on the curve of my shoulder relishing the taste of salt drying visibly on my skin, tightening and redening in the sun.

Feeling your body adjust after a day in the ocean has to be one of the most satisfying feelings in the world.

Guest Abuse!

I have been living in my new apartment now for 10 days and I have managed to receive $190 dollars worth of parking tickets. Its not my fault. Okay its my fault for having a car and parking it on a street without a permit, but I blame the city of Somerville.

They are Parking Nazi's! I even had a pleasant conversation with the ticket guy explaining my situation while I was smiling and being quite charming. I thought he could cut me some slack, but no, it was a rare situation when my charm did me no good!

The DMV lost my change of address stickers for my licence and registration which I need in order to get my parking permit from the town hall. Of course, the town hall is only open until 4:00 PM on everyday except Thursday. So I can't get a parking permit until next Thursday and I can't afford another $190!

I've been using the guest pass that the apartment gets; however, it can only be used for two days during the week. Apparently Somerville has a thing against long term guests.

So my last two tickets have been for Guest Abuse! It sounds so bad!

They even have the times that my car has been in specific parking spots, I feel like I'm being watched. Its a strange thing to be causing me such anxiety. Last night I removed my car from Somerville and deposited it in Cambridge infringing on my brother's guest pass. Believe it or not, but Cambridge is much more lenient with guest passes. You may have a guest for THREE WHOLE DAYS; however, you must move you car ever 24 hours or incur a storage fee.

NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE! Its like dealing with J.

Note: I did text D this morning asking if we get to do that again. He texted back most inappropriately.

I feel dirty for liking it.

Hiding

D and I hide behind our text messages.

They allow me to be more brazen in trying to make contact and him more brazen in trying to seduce me. At this point it doesn't take much.

August is a slow month on the job, so I have been faced with a few hours of down time to try and amuse myself. After reading Pride and Prejudice for about an hour on E-Books, I got antsy and figured what do I have to lose?

I sent D a "Hey what's up" testing the waters kind of text. I wasn't really expecting much, but he did text right back. It was a brief exchange, and I wrote him off again.

The next night I received an unprompted text, which was decidedly racy. I was open to it, but the fact that I received while out to dinner with my family somewhat cooled the moment.

The next day I called him a tease and he shot back a response quickly and the text soon turn to the extremely naughty kind. Lemme tell you, that is a good way to spend a slow day at work. It was like day long foreplay.

We decided to get together that night. He was supposed to be getting out relatively early, but said we would reschedule if he couldn't. By that point, if we had to reschedule I was sure a primal scream would be coming out of my mouth.

The boy is bad!

He did get out in time and I headed over. I was afraid after all our sexually charged text messaging that it would be awkward to see each other face to face. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to live up to the hype; however, when I walked in, it was comfortable. I suppose we both knew where it was ending so there would be no doubt or confusion this time.

Not that we lunged at each other the moment I walked in though. It was nice and I didn't feel like a call girl.

He ate, we drank and talked for about an hour or so. We've always had good conversations, so that wasn't hard. He talked about the state of our country and republicans and I pretended to listen while drooling over Tom Brady's article in Details magazine, nodding at the appropriate times.

The conversation turned, the air became more sexual charged and suggestions were made. Its amazing how attracted I am to D, but have no desire to take our relationship (for lack of better word) any further. I actually laugh out loud when I think about the possibility of dating him.

No thanks!

I'm quite (let me repeat) QUITE happy with the way things went last night, several times. (Insert sly wink).

Movin Out and Movin On

At one point during the move I crossed paths with my dad, he on his way out of my nearly empty room and me on my in. He had with him some miscellaneous items that didn't make it into any boxes, a belt I never wore, the remote from my TV and a dust riddled, inside out sock.

He waves it at me.

"Been looking for this?" He's being sarcastic as usual. My mother and I are not known for our organizational skills or our neatness. He, however, is as neat and organized as they come. Think Danny Tanner (Bob Saget) from Full House, complete with Vacation Clip Boards. Unfortunately none of those traits were passed down to any of his children.

Quick example: When I started my new job in June, I needed a copy of my immunization history. I haven't had any immunizations since the summer before entering college. Um that was Ten years ago. (good lord, ten years ago). My mom and I looked around for a while and conceded we would have to call my pediatrician's office or the notice said they could give me the immunizations I couldn't prove I had already gotten. (gulp) Before we did that we employed the good' ol "Wait until your father gets home first."

He walked in the door, I posed my question, two minutes later I had a manila folder in my hand with every piece of information from my college application. Acceptance letter, confirmation of me decided to go there, all my grade reports, and best of all my immunization report. The man is a wonder.

ANYWAY

I glance at the sock and chuckle. "That's G's"

"Are you saving it as a shrine?" He shoots back.

I laugh out loud. "Toss it."

Somehow in the back of my mind I knew it was under there somewhere. When I first found it, I was too lazy to pick it up. Then when we stopped talking I knew it was still there. Now as I looked at this disgusting gym sock, covered in thick dust bunnies and hair. (I shed a lot) It struck me as perfect metaphor for our relationship.

Yes. Toss it.

Why I'm Happy I Moved (Now That Its All Over)

Reason One:

Monday night I was alone in the apartment and I realized that this is the first time I have been alone since I moved there. It wouldn't have bothered me too much, but then I peeked down cellar, (for those of you outside of the Boston area, translation: I looked downstairs into the basement) and realized that the door leading to the outside was wide open. Then I started to think how the windows do not really lock and most of them do not even have screens and that if someone actually did enter I would never hear them because my air conditioner sounds like a jet plane.

So I started freaking myself out and ran around the place jamming window shut and ultimately pushing very heavy objects against the cellar door.

My old place was so lacking in security, we're lucky we have never been burglarized! I suppose living with three guys gave me a false sense of security. I should have knows, knowing their personalities, that they would push me towards the intruder; therefore, saving themselves.

In conclusion: That apartment is a burglary waiting to happen.

Reason Two:

6:50 A.M. my phone rings. There is only one person on my phone that has his own ring and that's only because he put it there himself, J.

We already know how I feel about my phone and the early morning.

"What could you possibly want?"

"You're sleeping? Sorry buddy."

Sighing heavily and making sure my voice is optimally groggy. "My alarm doesn't go off until 7:00"

"Oh, I'm in traffic. Is my phone charger in your room?"

"Why would your charger be in my room?"

"Well I saw one in there the other night. Is that yours?"

I petrified to ask the next question. "Why were you in my room the other night?"

"Oh I let little brother sleep in your room. You don't mind right?"

"J! You could have asked me! I knew someone had been in here. Why didn't he just sleep on the couch?"

I mean little brother is not exactly a stand up citizen for many reasons I don't want to get to on this blog, but lets just say, I didn't really like the idea of a kid who takes videos on his phone of him having sex with his (underage) gf and then showing them to his older brother.

I was positively skeeved out.

"It was a million degrees out! I didn't think you would mind."

Taken advantage of again. If he would have called then I would have said yes. I would have felt horrible saying no. I also could have come home and washed all my bedding!

Good riddance!

Reason Three: (multiple)

A) Rent's Cheaper

B) I don't know my roommates life history and probably won't be subjected to their personal issues, and they probably won't hug my feet.

C) My bedroom floor does not have a slant. Seriously my mom got sea sick in my old room. I got used to it after a while and it was fun to watch things roll from one side to the other.

D) My closet is HUGE and of normal height! My pants will no longer hit the floor! Oh joy is a big closet.

I think that's it for now. I think this will be good. I'm excited to see how everything works out as time progresses.

The only thing that went wrong is I woke up with major leg cramps this morning, but that is my own fault. I'm staying away from dried apricots though. Ugh!