Free will

I always feel stuck; in a rut, in the middle, by obligation or by guilt, it doesn't matter. I hate the feeling, but I can't shake it. Guilt is the most rampant of the causes of my feeling that way. I feel guilty about everything. I feel guilty if someone asks me to do something and I already have plans. Already being committed to something else is a good, valid reason for saying no, but that doesn't matter.

I'm the easy going one, the back-up friend that will listen to anyone. Its quite annoying to me if I really think about it.

A few weekends ago, because I listened to someone else it completely ruined the weekend. We were going to Vermont for the weekend, I was looking forward to getting away, just not being in Boston and feeling free to do absolutely nothing. (I usually feel to guilty to do that on a normal weekend). Everything was going well, until the incident. The party consisted of two guys and two girls and was a platonic trip. The girls and guys split up, the guys running and errand and the girls heading home. Two hours later, figuring they had been ditched we, the girls, were fuming!

We were convinced that the guys had ditched us for greener pastures and weren't even answering they're cell phones to at least tell us that they had. It wasn't that we cared that we were ditched, knowing these guys since middle school, we were okay with out them, it was that they weren't telling us. When they finally arrived home, we decided not to answer door, making them go through the trouble of having to call us. As the banging got louder and more violent, I got up to answer the door.

"No! Don't cave! Make them call us"

I sat down. Mere seconds later, the loud banging were accompanied by a cracking sound, two more bangs and the door flew open. The door frame was splintered, the boys, one furious, the other sheepish, flew into the condo.

Expletives were exchanged, names were called. Requests for us to leave were submitted and pleas for us to say followed.

How were we supposed to know that they were being chased by the police?

Everything was smoothed over, we didn't leave, but the weekend was ruined.

If I had just opened the door regardless of "caving".

My new mantra: I have free will, I have free will. G-damnit!