I have a cold.
I made it through the frigid New England winter, blizzards, nor'eastahs, below zero temperatures with out succumbing to one and here I am on the nicest day since October, sniffling and snorting my way through the day. A cold in 70 degree weather is just plain miserable, I think its more miserable that having one when its cold.
I thought I was home free, I watched family members, friends, co-workers and students drop like flies around me, and there I was, sickness free. I felt like a walking time bomb, at any moment I would feel the tell-tale scratch in the throat, the ache in the joints or the nasal drip. The dreaded nasal drip.
I'm not all there today. I took a tylenol PM last night because my face hurt, not just the head but the entire face. I've found that my body responds to sleep aids very well, after getting off the phone with G last night I was out from 10:30 to 8. I was woken by a text message from J to let me know that our favorite author was going to be on the radio. After that it was down hill: starting to put conditioner in before shampoo, standing in the kitchen wondering why my face is itchy, no moisturizer, orange juice almost going into the coffee and then the best one, a teacher telling me I had left the tag on my pants. I blame the drugs!
My pants are actually the only good thing about today. I think goucho pants are probably the most comfortable things I have ever worn. I almost feel naked. Almost. I've finally caved and bought a pair and now I want to wear them every day. I'm sure they'll be out of style soon, but I will cling to them like my mom clung to stirrup pants! Not to mention they make my butt look fab!
Friday, March 31, 2006
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Things I should do (But probably won't)
1. Work
2. Wash my Car
3. Not steal the gold fish crackers from the pre-school cabinet
4. Clean my floors (I still think it would just be easier to replace the bathroom one)
5. Get curtains or at least dust the current ones, actually dust everything.
6. Shave my legs
7. Clean out the leftovers in my fridge
8. Go to the gym
9. Return Pride and Prejudice to Blockbuster (that story never gets old and Mr. Darcy will always be sexy)
10. Return Gilmore Girls disks 3, 4 and 5 of season 4 to Blockbuster online (I've had them since November)
11. Not eavesdrop on conversation between boss and company sleeze.
12. Figure out where I want to be.
13. Not get mad if I don't hear from G today.
14. Be more tolerant of annoying people.
15. Not write everyone with in emailing distance saying "I'm bored"
2. Wash my Car
3. Not steal the gold fish crackers from the pre-school cabinet
4. Clean my floors (I still think it would just be easier to replace the bathroom one)
5. Get curtains or at least dust the current ones, actually dust everything.
6. Shave my legs
7. Clean out the leftovers in my fridge
8. Go to the gym
9. Return Pride and Prejudice to Blockbuster (that story never gets old and Mr. Darcy will always be sexy)
10. Return Gilmore Girls disks 3, 4 and 5 of season 4 to Blockbuster online (I've had them since November)
11. Not eavesdrop on conversation between boss and company sleeze.
12. Figure out where I want to be.
13. Not get mad if I don't hear from G today.
14. Be more tolerant of annoying people.
15. Not write everyone with in emailing distance saying "I'm bored"
Spring has Sprung, Finally
Today is the kind of day that you remember WHY you live in New England.
All I want to do today is find a nice, quiet, sunny spot, lay down a blanket and read. Of course I can not do that because I have to earn a living, but one can dream. At least I can open the window today and get some fresh air, due to the fact that my assistant and her allergies will not be gracing me with her presence.
Still torn up about the prospect of an interview. I need to talk to G about it, but he's been in the back woods of Georgia since Monday. GD job.
All I want to do today is find a nice, quiet, sunny spot, lay down a blanket and read. Of course I can not do that because I have to earn a living, but one can dream. At least I can open the window today and get some fresh air, due to the fact that my assistant and her allergies will not be gracing me with her presence.
Still torn up about the prospect of an interview. I need to talk to G about it, but he's been in the back woods of Georgia since Monday. GD job.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Reality Check
I want to move to San Diego, in theory.
I think about it daily, I look for apartments (G. Doesn't know that one) and I look for jobs. It has all been a beautiful fantasy until the phone call last night. I was just getting into American Idol, which was horrible by the way, and my phone rang showing an 858 area code. Thinking it could only be G from some random number, I answer somewhat idiotically. It was not G, it was the HR director from a job I applied to late last week. Its an entry-level position in a great institution that would be utilizing all my degrees. I would get my foot in the door and it sounded like a fun position. She told me normally they don't look out of state and that I do seem like I would be over qualified for the position. I knew this, but I'm glad she said it. She said that my resume stood out and even though it was technically an entry level position they were looking for leadership in that role because there were going to be a lot of changes taking place and they accepted my salary requirements or at least knew my range and still called me.
Then she asked me my plans. I froze.
I don't know my plans! I didn't know what to say at first and she sensed my hesitation.
"Are you planning to move here or are you waiting for the right position to move out for?"
"Well I do want to move back to the area, but the right position would make that all the more possible" There that sounded reasonable, right?
We left it that I would call her before I went to SD in two weeks to see if they had managed to fill the position and if not I would go in and meet with them.
It was surreal, I mean I applied for the job, but I didn't necessarily think they would call me back.
I think about it daily, I look for apartments (G. Doesn't know that one) and I look for jobs. It has all been a beautiful fantasy until the phone call last night. I was just getting into American Idol, which was horrible by the way, and my phone rang showing an 858 area code. Thinking it could only be G from some random number, I answer somewhat idiotically. It was not G, it was the HR director from a job I applied to late last week. Its an entry-level position in a great institution that would be utilizing all my degrees. I would get my foot in the door and it sounded like a fun position. She told me normally they don't look out of state and that I do seem like I would be over qualified for the position. I knew this, but I'm glad she said it. She said that my resume stood out and even though it was technically an entry level position they were looking for leadership in that role because there were going to be a lot of changes taking place and they accepted my salary requirements or at least knew my range and still called me.
Then she asked me my plans. I froze.
I don't know my plans! I didn't know what to say at first and she sensed my hesitation.
"Are you planning to move here or are you waiting for the right position to move out for?"
"Well I do want to move back to the area, but the right position would make that all the more possible" There that sounded reasonable, right?
We left it that I would call her before I went to SD in two weeks to see if they had managed to fill the position and if not I would go in and meet with them.
It was surreal, I mean I applied for the job, but I didn't necessarily think they would call me back.
Monday, March 27, 2006
The Hunt
"I plan to get by on my good looks." Wink, wink.
That was my response to being the only one not getting money out of the ATM before going out that night. *
The outing was initiated by me. We were going to a dueling piano bar that evening to meet up with my younger brother for his gf's birthday. I had invited friends of mine and we all headed out. The place was great, there was an actual focus to the bar, the two pianos and the really creative musicians that made the atmosphere work. I like a bar with a focus, it takes the pressure of "going out". I was happy just to be there, to have fun, watch the show, and to not worry about what other people were thinking. Did I look cute enough? Would anyone hit on me? It wasn't an issue.
It was, however, for two of my companions. Their focus was for hooking up, for finding a distraction or validation, and they looked miserable the whole night. Their heads always scanning the crowd for a possible target. Even the way one of them looked at my brother's gf as she enthusiastically declared it was her birthday, gave me the willies. Their actions exhausted me, and towards the end of the night, they carried an air of defeat, like the whole night was a failure and a waste of time.
"I remember this place being more fun the last time." He must have scored.
I am making an effort to quell my expectations of situations before they happen. I'm trying to be more free, more open to whatever may happen. I had a great time because I had no expectations, I had not set goals for myself and I could have cared less if anyone looked at me twice. I only wanted to say happy birthday, hand over my card and maybe have fun for a couple of hours. I felt I accomplished what I set out to do, as small as it was, and there was no disappointment.
And I did get by on my good looks. I told G I was not even wearing anything revealing, just a tank top and he laughed at me. He's right, I could wear a trash bag and there would still be cleavage. Oh well!
*I already had $30 in cash on me.
That was my response to being the only one not getting money out of the ATM before going out that night. *
The outing was initiated by me. We were going to a dueling piano bar that evening to meet up with my younger brother for his gf's birthday. I had invited friends of mine and we all headed out. The place was great, there was an actual focus to the bar, the two pianos and the really creative musicians that made the atmosphere work. I like a bar with a focus, it takes the pressure of "going out". I was happy just to be there, to have fun, watch the show, and to not worry about what other people were thinking. Did I look cute enough? Would anyone hit on me? It wasn't an issue.
It was, however, for two of my companions. Their focus was for hooking up, for finding a distraction or validation, and they looked miserable the whole night. Their heads always scanning the crowd for a possible target. Even the way one of them looked at my brother's gf as she enthusiastically declared it was her birthday, gave me the willies. Their actions exhausted me, and towards the end of the night, they carried an air of defeat, like the whole night was a failure and a waste of time.
"I remember this place being more fun the last time." He must have scored.
I am making an effort to quell my expectations of situations before they happen. I'm trying to be more free, more open to whatever may happen. I had a great time because I had no expectations, I had not set goals for myself and I could have cared less if anyone looked at me twice. I only wanted to say happy birthday, hand over my card and maybe have fun for a couple of hours. I felt I accomplished what I set out to do, as small as it was, and there was no disappointment.
And I did get by on my good looks. I told G I was not even wearing anything revealing, just a tank top and he laughed at me. He's right, I could wear a trash bag and there would still be cleavage. Oh well!
*I already had $30 in cash on me.
Friday, March 24, 2006
Free will
I always feel stuck; in a rut, in the middle, by obligation or by guilt, it doesn't matter. I hate the feeling, but I can't shake it. Guilt is the most rampant of the causes of my feeling that way. I feel guilty about everything. I feel guilty if someone asks me to do something and I already have plans. Already being committed to something else is a good, valid reason for saying no, but that doesn't matter.
I'm the easy going one, the back-up friend that will listen to anyone. Its quite annoying to me if I really think about it.
A few weekends ago, because I listened to someone else it completely ruined the weekend. We were going to Vermont for the weekend, I was looking forward to getting away, just not being in Boston and feeling free to do absolutely nothing. (I usually feel to guilty to do that on a normal weekend). Everything was going well, until the incident. The party consisted of two guys and two girls and was a platonic trip. The girls and guys split up, the guys running and errand and the girls heading home. Two hours later, figuring they had been ditched we, the girls, were fuming!
We were convinced that the guys had ditched us for greener pastures and weren't even answering they're cell phones to at least tell us that they had. It wasn't that we cared that we were ditched, knowing these guys since middle school, we were okay with out them, it was that they weren't telling us. When they finally arrived home, we decided not to answer door, making them go through the trouble of having to call us. As the banging got louder and more violent, I got up to answer the door.
"No! Don't cave! Make them call us"
I sat down. Mere seconds later, the loud banging were accompanied by a cracking sound, two more bangs and the door flew open. The door frame was splintered, the boys, one furious, the other sheepish, flew into the condo.
Expletives were exchanged, names were called. Requests for us to leave were submitted and pleas for us to say followed.
How were we supposed to know that they were being chased by the police?
Everything was smoothed over, we didn't leave, but the weekend was ruined.
If I had just opened the door regardless of "caving".
My new mantra: I have free will, I have free will. G-damnit!
I'm the easy going one, the back-up friend that will listen to anyone. Its quite annoying to me if I really think about it.
A few weekends ago, because I listened to someone else it completely ruined the weekend. We were going to Vermont for the weekend, I was looking forward to getting away, just not being in Boston and feeling free to do absolutely nothing. (I usually feel to guilty to do that on a normal weekend). Everything was going well, until the incident. The party consisted of two guys and two girls and was a platonic trip. The girls and guys split up, the guys running and errand and the girls heading home. Two hours later, figuring they had been ditched we, the girls, were fuming!
We were convinced that the guys had ditched us for greener pastures and weren't even answering they're cell phones to at least tell us that they had. It wasn't that we cared that we were ditched, knowing these guys since middle school, we were okay with out them, it was that they weren't telling us. When they finally arrived home, we decided not to answer door, making them go through the trouble of having to call us. As the banging got louder and more violent, I got up to answer the door.
"No! Don't cave! Make them call us"
I sat down. Mere seconds later, the loud banging were accompanied by a cracking sound, two more bangs and the door flew open. The door frame was splintered, the boys, one furious, the other sheepish, flew into the condo.
Expletives were exchanged, names were called. Requests for us to leave were submitted and pleas for us to say followed.
How were we supposed to know that they were being chased by the police?
Everything was smoothed over, we didn't leave, but the weekend was ruined.
If I had just opened the door regardless of "caving".
My new mantra: I have free will, I have free will. G-damnit!
Thursday, March 23, 2006
The Social Lives of Mom and Dad
My parents have a better social life than I do. I realized last night when I decided that my gift for my mother is a set of plastic martini glasses and a bar-quality rim Salter from Crate and Barrel and the fact that I'm eyeing a Tiki Bar from Target for Father's day. They always have weekend plans doing one thing or another, trying new restaurants, shooting down to Foxwoods for a weekend, or just having people over for dinner and drinks.
Just one of my mom's cosmos can put me on my ass.
A couple of weeks ago, on a particularly low Friday, I just wanted to go have dinner with my parents, I called home and announced that I would be arriving shortly and was expecting to be met with excitement of them seeing their only daughter, but instead was met with hesitation.
"Well we having heard from G and S yet, but of course you can come. Would you want to come out with us?"
"No! I feel like enough of a loser without having to crash my parents plans."
"Well, fine just come home we'll get dinner."
"Well I don't want to ruin your night"
"Don't be silly. Just come home" But her heart wasn't in it. I sensed a little regret.
I went anyway. I was having a bad day.
Ever feel like you're cramping your mom and dad's style? Its a weird feeling that leaves you feeling a little disoriented and mixed up. How dare they have other things to do besides live for their children!? I'm really bad at this growing up thing. At least they are the only people in the world that I feel comfortable enough to be completely selfish with and a little crazy. My mom is probably the only person in the world whom I can call 5 times in one hour, not leave a voice message and not feel like a complete psycho and then when she finally answers or calls back to ask what I wanted I can say "Nothing."
Everyone needs a person like that in their life.
Just one of my mom's cosmos can put me on my ass.
A couple of weeks ago, on a particularly low Friday, I just wanted to go have dinner with my parents, I called home and announced that I would be arriving shortly and was expecting to be met with excitement of them seeing their only daughter, but instead was met with hesitation.
"Well we having heard from G and S yet, but of course you can come. Would you want to come out with us?"
"No! I feel like enough of a loser without having to crash my parents plans."
"Well, fine just come home we'll get dinner."
"Well I don't want to ruin your night"
"Don't be silly. Just come home" But her heart wasn't in it. I sensed a little regret.
I went anyway. I was having a bad day.
Ever feel like you're cramping your mom and dad's style? Its a weird feeling that leaves you feeling a little disoriented and mixed up. How dare they have other things to do besides live for their children!? I'm really bad at this growing up thing. At least they are the only people in the world that I feel comfortable enough to be completely selfish with and a little crazy. My mom is probably the only person in the world whom I can call 5 times in one hour, not leave a voice message and not feel like a complete psycho and then when she finally answers or calls back to ask what I wanted I can say "Nothing."
Everyone needs a person like that in their life.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Indecision
I talked to D yesterday, I think its been 6 months now we've actually been trying to get together. After the first date in September nothing happened. I tried to be the good modern dating girl; not calling, not appearing eager for a second date, (which I totally was) and following the pop culture phenomenon, "He's Just not the Into You" after a week I let it go and that was that. He resurfaced somewhere around Thanksgiving asking me why I disappeared, but by that time I was firmly entrenched with G and just blew it off as a passing conversation.
Gradually over time we have been talking, saying we would meet for coffee. I've been back and forth, up and down with the roller coaster that has been G and I. Now that G and I are climbing up the hill of that roller coaster D's invite to do something this weekend shook me a little, like the roller coaster's safety bar loosened a little. Maybe he is into me?
Technically G and I aren't together. Technically we should be able to see other people. I keep telling myself that I would not be wrong to go out with D. Its my moral dilemma now. I feel like there is something left unfinished w/ D, but does that matter? I guess I'm just curious, and meeting someone for coffee doesn't mean anything. Too bad he's so darn cute!
I'm also trying to figure out what to get my mother for her birthday tomorrow. For the woman who buys herself everything she wants but can never think of something come present time. I can't even count how many times she mentions something that she wants for her birthday or mother's day and then the next time I see it she has it. I supposed I can't complain, I'm the same way. I wonder where I got it from? I'm hoping that a quick walk through Williams Sonoma and Crate and Barrel will provide me with enough inspiration.
We are taking my mom to dinner tomorrow night as well and I've been obsessing over the menu all morning, which is just making my oatmeal lunch all the less appealing. I have narrowed it down to three choices, now I just have to hope that none of the specials will call to me. I love food and I love eating out. I love looking at menus knowing that I can have anything on them. What I hate is orderer's remorse. When there's so much to choose from and if you're not prepared there is just not enough time to make a well-thought out choice. Then the panic sets in. I have what I want in mind, but its not a firm decision. There is that little nugget of doubt: "Do I really want the grilled salmon?" and when it comes my turn some how "fried scallops"comes flying out of my mouth. I'm not even that BIG a fan of scallops, but its too late and I will obsess over my rash decision and try to fill up on bread. I obsess a lot. Don't even get me started on the side dishes.
My Choices
1. The stuffed Fillet-beef, spinach, cheddar and marscapone (c'mon!)
2. The pecan Salmon- w/ a spinach salad with gorgonzola, strawberries and balsamic (probably the best salad combination ever)
3. The halibut- its wrapped in bacon (nuff said)
(This is all subject to change)
Gradually over time we have been talking, saying we would meet for coffee. I've been back and forth, up and down with the roller coaster that has been G and I. Now that G and I are climbing up the hill of that roller coaster D's invite to do something this weekend shook me a little, like the roller coaster's safety bar loosened a little. Maybe he is into me?
Technically G and I aren't together. Technically we should be able to see other people. I keep telling myself that I would not be wrong to go out with D. Its my moral dilemma now. I feel like there is something left unfinished w/ D, but does that matter? I guess I'm just curious, and meeting someone for coffee doesn't mean anything. Too bad he's so darn cute!
I'm also trying to figure out what to get my mother for her birthday tomorrow. For the woman who buys herself everything she wants but can never think of something come present time. I can't even count how many times she mentions something that she wants for her birthday or mother's day and then the next time I see it she has it. I supposed I can't complain, I'm the same way. I wonder where I got it from? I'm hoping that a quick walk through Williams Sonoma and Crate and Barrel will provide me with enough inspiration.
We are taking my mom to dinner tomorrow night as well and I've been obsessing over the menu all morning, which is just making my oatmeal lunch all the less appealing. I have narrowed it down to three choices, now I just have to hope that none of the specials will call to me. I love food and I love eating out. I love looking at menus knowing that I can have anything on them. What I hate is orderer's remorse. When there's so much to choose from and if you're not prepared there is just not enough time to make a well-thought out choice. Then the panic sets in. I have what I want in mind, but its not a firm decision. There is that little nugget of doubt: "Do I really want the grilled salmon?" and when it comes my turn some how "fried scallops"comes flying out of my mouth. I'm not even that BIG a fan of scallops, but its too late and I will obsess over my rash decision and try to fill up on bread. I obsess a lot. Don't even get me started on the side dishes.
My Choices
1. The stuffed Fillet-beef, spinach, cheddar and marscapone (c'mon!)
2. The pecan Salmon- w/ a spinach salad with gorgonzola, strawberries and balsamic (probably the best salad combination ever)
3. The halibut- its wrapped in bacon (nuff said)
(This is all subject to change)
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Me-time
Monday and Thursday nights are traditionally my "me-time" nights. Its something I'm learning to enjoy and appreciate. Its been hard. I'm living on my own for the first time ever. I have been on my own before, due to two navy roommates who were constantly out to sea or on one trip or another, but I've always known they were coming back. Since I've been back in Boston I lived with my brother and M, his now wife. It was a small apartment, and the me-times were few and far between and I didn't mind it. I liked having people around, knowing you weren't alone. After they bought their house, (and graciously asked me to move with them, which I politely declined, I mean I had already infringed on their entire engagement and newlywed period) I decided to stay in the apartment on my own.
It was a hard decision, I definitely do not have the means to have my own place. I had enough saved, but now I'm blowing through it like its nobody's business.
Anyway.
Once I was settled I surprised myself by LOVING living alone. I thought I was going to freak myself out at night or cry myself to sleep because I was so lonely, but miraculously none of that happened. So now I have been living by myself for 5 months now and I'm getting tired of it. I mean I do love the fact that I can do whatever I want in the place (a fact I still have to remind myself of), but I'm getting tired of the emptiness. Now that the novelty has worn away, I've become a hyper scheduler. Tuesday dinner with Camila, Wednesday dinner with Justin. Monday and Thursday's are my open days, but I'll jump at the chance to fill them. If I find myself with no plans come Friday, I crash in on my parents.
So when I say I'm learning to enjoy and appreciate my Me-time, I'm saying its a difficult thing for me to learn. I am determined to become comfortable with myself and being alone, and I do find myself looking forward to the time. It creeps up suddenly and I'm making plans in my head about what I'm going to do with that time. Whether or not its just finishing my book, or catching up on my Food and Wine magazines (March and April are still being ignored) or just zoning out to the TV and falling asleep, I'm inching my way towards acceptance. I'm feeling more free in this time, instead of feeling like a loser or counterproductive for not having a jam-packed schedule.
I do like my me-time, and I'm liking me more in the process.
It was a hard decision, I definitely do not have the means to have my own place. I had enough saved, but now I'm blowing through it like its nobody's business.
Anyway.
Once I was settled I surprised myself by LOVING living alone. I thought I was going to freak myself out at night or cry myself to sleep because I was so lonely, but miraculously none of that happened. So now I have been living by myself for 5 months now and I'm getting tired of it. I mean I do love the fact that I can do whatever I want in the place (a fact I still have to remind myself of), but I'm getting tired of the emptiness. Now that the novelty has worn away, I've become a hyper scheduler. Tuesday dinner with Camila, Wednesday dinner with Justin. Monday and Thursday's are my open days, but I'll jump at the chance to fill them. If I find myself with no plans come Friday, I crash in on my parents.
So when I say I'm learning to enjoy and appreciate my Me-time, I'm saying its a difficult thing for me to learn. I am determined to become comfortable with myself and being alone, and I do find myself looking forward to the time. It creeps up suddenly and I'm making plans in my head about what I'm going to do with that time. Whether or not its just finishing my book, or catching up on my Food and Wine magazines (March and April are still being ignored) or just zoning out to the TV and falling asleep, I'm inching my way towards acceptance. I'm feeling more free in this time, instead of feeling like a loser or counterproductive for not having a jam-packed schedule.
I do like my me-time, and I'm liking me more in the process.
Monday, March 20, 2006
E-Lonely
I'm E-Lonely today! No one is around. Two email buddies starting a new job, it will be at least a week until they can asses the goof-off ability factor of the job, one out of town, one out of the office. They're dropping like flies!
Or growing up.....
Oh I hope its not the second one!!
Or growing up.....
Oh I hope its not the second one!!
Decisions
I'm at a turning point in my life. Self-professed of course. In the words of the Clash "Should I stay or should I go?: The age old question.
Should I stay in Boston with my family and friends I've had since I was five, the infallible support system, or should I take the plunge, move back to my beloved San Diego and move in with G. A guy that I've only known since October 26th (to be exact). No job, not too much money and no real plan in mind. Its all the cliches, follow head or heart, rational or irrational. I know if I go I will be fine. I will find a job, I will make money, I will not starve, but will G and I get along? Our connection is really strong, I think it would have to be or we wouldn't even be considering this as an option.
I'm leaning towards going. Every time I think about it I get excited. The prospect of starting new, taking that next step in my life towards grown-up land Getting on with that next phase in my life is very appealing. Anything to get out of the rut I'm in right now. Its much easier to tell your work that you're leaving your job because you're moving 3,000 miles away and the commute would be killer instead of saying, I'm leaving you because I hate you. Yes I am a coward, giving my notice scares the Hell out of me. Its the after giving the notice feeling that I'm yearning for. This place is slowly destroying me, and I don't think its doing it on purpose, but there is no other way it knows how to function, other than sucking the life blood out of its employees.
I think its a chance I have to take, or I will wonder about it for the rest of my life, and in the words of most of my friends... I CAN always come back. Of course I would probably be coming back heartbroken and a failure, but at least I would know for certain.
The other thing that gets me is that G is so non-challant about the WHOLE thing. He speaks about it so matter-of-fact that sometimes I want to scream, "you do realize I am flipping my entire existence around don't you!!" but that would be a little dramatic. He's talked about adding me to his gym membership, and he's already made room for me in his closets. He says this stuff and I go mute, I don't know how to respond, and I feel bad that I can't say anything, because I don't know what my decision will be yet.
Have I mentioned I have haven't seen G in over 3 months. He travels for his job, and no to calm Midwestern cities to attend conferences and trade shows, but to Japan, Guam, Thailand and that fun little hot bed of activity, The Persian Gulf. I will see him in three weeks though, so I guess that will be telling, to see if we actually still like each other.
April 16th will be the official start obsessing date.
Should I stay in Boston with my family and friends I've had since I was five, the infallible support system, or should I take the plunge, move back to my beloved San Diego and move in with G. A guy that I've only known since October 26th (to be exact). No job, not too much money and no real plan in mind. Its all the cliches, follow head or heart, rational or irrational. I know if I go I will be fine. I will find a job, I will make money, I will not starve, but will G and I get along? Our connection is really strong, I think it would have to be or we wouldn't even be considering this as an option.
I'm leaning towards going. Every time I think about it I get excited. The prospect of starting new, taking that next step in my life towards grown-up land Getting on with that next phase in my life is very appealing. Anything to get out of the rut I'm in right now. Its much easier to tell your work that you're leaving your job because you're moving 3,000 miles away and the commute would be killer instead of saying, I'm leaving you because I hate you. Yes I am a coward, giving my notice scares the Hell out of me. Its the after giving the notice feeling that I'm yearning for. This place is slowly destroying me, and I don't think its doing it on purpose, but there is no other way it knows how to function, other than sucking the life blood out of its employees.
I think its a chance I have to take, or I will wonder about it for the rest of my life, and in the words of most of my friends... I CAN always come back. Of course I would probably be coming back heartbroken and a failure, but at least I would know for certain.
The other thing that gets me is that G is so non-challant about the WHOLE thing. He speaks about it so matter-of-fact that sometimes I want to scream, "you do realize I am flipping my entire existence around don't you!!" but that would be a little dramatic. He's talked about adding me to his gym membership, and he's already made room for me in his closets. He says this stuff and I go mute, I don't know how to respond, and I feel bad that I can't say anything, because I don't know what my decision will be yet.
Have I mentioned I have haven't seen G in over 3 months. He travels for his job, and no to calm Midwestern cities to attend conferences and trade shows, but to Japan, Guam, Thailand and that fun little hot bed of activity, The Persian Gulf. I will see him in three weeks though, so I guess that will be telling, to see if we actually still like each other.
April 16th will be the official start obsessing date.
Friday, March 17, 2006
Me
Blogging is not something I have ever though about doing or actually was very familiar with as a mode of self-expression, but after a rather painful bout of "work-boredom" (you know the boredom from which you actually, physically ache) I started entertaining myself by reading blogs. It dragged out the old me, the one who wanted to be a writer, the one who painstakingly recorded the events of a teenage life and college aged life, but dropped the habit somewhere between teenaged crushes and finding out that maybe I wasn't a very good English major/writer.
This seems something that could help me. At 26, I find myself with more degrees and less direction than at 18. I'm at a dead-end job, that I'm finding hard to leave, and I'm in a quasi-long distance relationship (my second, yes I know) just trying to figure it all out, find me, no matter how cliche that sounds, and maybe enjoy myself along the way.
I live in a Boston Suburb, and my most pressing issue of the day is that I have no one to go out and celebrate the biggest Boston holiday of the year. The infamous, St. Paddy's day. I build holidays up, even the small ones, and ultimately I am disappointed, with the exception of Christmas, because my family does do a GREAT Christmas. I wish I could adopt the "corporate", "greeting card" view on the lesser holidays, but I can't! I'm a sucker for a special day. So here I am with out St. Patrick day plans hoping for the best!
And if not, my couch some mindless movies and some tatertots will do the trick!
This seems something that could help me. At 26, I find myself with more degrees and less direction than at 18. I'm at a dead-end job, that I'm finding hard to leave, and I'm in a quasi-long distance relationship (my second, yes I know) just trying to figure it all out, find me, no matter how cliche that sounds, and maybe enjoy myself along the way.
I live in a Boston Suburb, and my most pressing issue of the day is that I have no one to go out and celebrate the biggest Boston holiday of the year. The infamous, St. Paddy's day. I build holidays up, even the small ones, and ultimately I am disappointed, with the exception of Christmas, because my family does do a GREAT Christmas. I wish I could adopt the "corporate", "greeting card" view on the lesser holidays, but I can't! I'm a sucker for a special day. So here I am with out St. Patrick day plans hoping for the best!
And if not, my couch some mindless movies and some tatertots will do the trick!
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