Funky

I am in a funk.

I had big, well moderate, plans for the day which included waking up, packing up my car, going to the gym on the way home and going back to Cambridge. Instead, I'm sitting at my parents kitchen table, in my towel, hair wet, watching The View.

I keep telling myself that there is not rush, but the reality is that I have no energy. I'm antsy and anxious, but I can't bring myself to do anything.

I don't think its because I have no job. That hasn't really affected me yet. I know I'll find something soon and I have that interview tomorrow. I don't know what it is, which means it is unfounded and most likely hormonal. Stupid hormones! Sadly enough it was triggered by a dream that I had the other morning that involved G. The stupid thing is that I cannot even remember what the dream was about, just that he was in it and I awoke with a distinct sadness surrounding me.

Oh I'll be fine soon, I just hate muddling through it. I hate that a dream can allow you to spiral into such a mood. I barely think of G anymore. Occasionally he will cross my mind, but he made up his and I can't control what he wishes to do about our relationship, or lack thereof. It is disappointing, but I have accepted it, I mean GOOD LORD its been almost three months. It is just hard to think that I thought he would be a lifer as a friend, and I was absolutely worth nothing to him.

At least its a lesson learned. Something I can file away and refer to when I venture (if that happens) into a new relationship.

I'm moving in small steps today. I did shower, now I have to dry my hair. Baby steps!

Hopefully by the end of the week I will have good news, getting a job would give me a huge sense of accomplishment! I'm focusing on employment first, shelter second.

Pop-u-lar

I wish I could say I've been so busy that I haven't had a chance to write, but that wouldn't be completely true. I mean I have definitely been busy, but not with important things. I've been busy going to the gym, cooking, and catching up on my Lost so I could watch the season finale last night. (All I have to say about that is: HUH?)

On Sunday I was very very very busy being hung over. Good Lord, how did I do that EVERY weekend in college? Seriously? I can't comprehend what we were thinking. I can remember after some nights in college, I would have a bruise in the middle of my chest from banging it against our slightly pointed toilet seat. (Please excuse the TMI, just making a point)

The night was fun, but I'm going to give Gin a good long vacation for a while. I blame my brothers. No self respecting 28 year old woman should be doing shots called "Ecto-Cooler" (I'm sure you all remember that lovely Hi-C flavor) or "Red Headed Slut", but I got my older brother back by being sick in his car. It wasn't a BIG deal, I got it in a shopping bag.

I did not see the light of day until noon and that was only to go and get my hang over staples of McNugget and fountain Coke. Mmmmm fountain Coke. I ate in my bed while glued to an America's Next Top Model Marathon. It was the first season that I had never seen.

The rest of the week hasn't been the most eventful. I did go back for a second interview with big important Boston hospital, and I just a few minutes ago set up an interview with extremely important Cambridge University.

The same University I was walking by after meeting J for lunch yesterday and though, "It would be really cool to work there."

SOME ONE IS LISTENING FINALLY!

Hopefully something will come out of all this. I'm running out of outfits. My old black suit pants are getting too short and I compulsively pull them down at one minute intervals while wearing them.

Off to the shore for Memorial Day Weekend. (by the shore I mean my parents house), heading to Six Flags tomorrow with my other unemployed friends because apparently we're 15.

New England has finally become a great place to live after the stupid, and find unnecessary, winter.

Happy Birthday.....

TO ME!

Inventory

No Job-check

No Income-check

No Health Insurance-check

Applied for Unemployment-check

Soon to be homeless and possibly having to move home with parents-check

That's my life inventory.

Nobody better be saying that Kate does things half-assed!

1997 Throwback

Saturday night a couple of friend came over to my parents house to grill out. It was going to be civilized. One brought the steak the other brought brownies and I made rosemary roasted potatoes and macaroni salad. You know, a grown-up dinner.

We were just hanging out, drinking beer and talking, dinner was good and relaxing, another friend joined us, and then we got bored.

Boredom is a devious thing.

After a try at Smurf Spin Around, found in my basement, and a rejection of Girl Talk by the lone boy in the group, (you know, the truth or dare game where if you don't perform the dare and tell the truth you have to put a red dot on your face to simulate a zit?) we started to look for drinking games.

Before I knew it one younger brother and two of his friends show up and the seven of us are strategically place around my parents dining room table playing 7, 11, doubles. The game was hilarious, I'm not even going to try and describe it well, but it involved rolling dice and drinking shots of beer, which you had to grab before someone else grabbed your shot, or you would have to do two. I was sitting there with a roll of paper towels, mopping up every one's mess.

My parents walking in during the game, gave an amused look and went into the living room. The next day my dad said he felt that he had walking into 1997, like as soon as I heard that they were going out I invited all my friends over to play drinking games.

"The only difference was instead of scattering at the sound of the door handle you invited us to play!"

I'm back in Cambridge now. Being home for a week was strange. At times back home I could see myself regressing, grunting when I could say 'yes' or 'no'. Getting annoyed at the drop of a hat, but it was comforting too. Very mixed feelings about the whole thing, but I am happy to be home in my own space.

I'm sluggish today so far, I woke up late and now I don't feel like moving. Its not the nicest day out so I don't feel to guilty yet. I MAY make it to gym. That's my goal for the day.

That and willing the Big Boston Hospital will call me.

Crossing fingers!

Epiphany

Some time on Friday night I realized that my health insurance had already expired. Well I realized it because I had called to renew a prescription and then they called me back informing me that my insurance had expired, after one week! I have no idea about HR practises, which is my own fault, but that seems a little soon. (and if anyone can educate me a little I would be much obliged!)

So this news was a slight reality check. I stressed all weekend, my mother forbid me to go roller blading and I just felt for the first time that maybe I should have accepted the hours a the old job until I could find something new. (Still waiting on the Big Boston Hospital).

There seemed to be a little bit of cloud following me all weekend. I couldn't shake it, I felt out of whack. It was strange.

I woke up this morning and wondered what I would do. I rolled out of bed and went downstairs to file for unemployment. My one goal for the day. Of course I can't file until Wednesday, so as of 8:35, I had no agenda.

I dragged my butt downstairs, put on my sneakers and Padres baseball hat and headed out the door. About five minutes into my walk it hit me, this is great! I have no where to be, nothing to do, no responsibilities it's gorgeous out, the wind smelled like the ocean and the grass was so green it could be called emerald and not be considered hyperbole. I took a deep breath and quickened my step.

I came back 45 minutes later and made myself a nice healthy breakfast and enjoyed my coffee while watching Regis and Kelly. It was nice and relaxing. There wasn't anything pressing on my mind anymore. It was liberating and freeing. I'm not so naive that I think that this will be great forever, I know I will get restless and bored, but for now, I'll enjoy the time.

This is fine, its just happening, but I will find a job, and who knows when I'm going to have time like this to myself like this again.

So for today I'm all about unemployment!

Yay!

Slackerville Here I Come!

So today is the last day of legitimate employment.

I have no idea what I'm going to do with my time. There are only so many hours you can spend job searching and sending resumes until you want to throw the computer out the window. My goal is to not be lazy! I'm going to need to keep a regular schedule or I will be all screwed up when it comes time for me to go back to work. No sleeping till noon and eating at all weird hours. I must get up and go to the gym and then do something productive.

I've been conferencing with my other unemployed friends and we have come up with a tentative list of activities:

• The MFA (though I may do that with my mother for a Birthday trip)
• The Aquarium
• Six Flags New England
• Shopping (eek! probably not the best idea)
• Taking of to an island for a few days (could be a birthday trip)
• A Zoo, somewhere (I have a weird obsession with zoos. I heart them.)
• Drinking heavily.
• My extensive "To Read" list.
• My extensive "T.V. Shows to catch up on" list.
  

So I think with that list as a starter I should be okay, but in truth: Unemployment scares the living bejesuses out of me!

One reason I didn't take the later hours at the old job was because I lack motivation in the morning. I will lay around until I force myself to shower and then get on my way. I would never accomplish anything in morning before going to work at two. I just knew I wouldn't. So knowing that I'm going to have to make an extreme effort to get moving in the morning. I don't want to create a Kate sized indent in my couch and burn my corneas with all the TV I would be watching.

I am pledging right now not to be a lump.

The week at my temporary job actually went very well! I thought I was going to bored out of my mind, but I have probably done more work this week than I had done in a month at the old job. It was pretty interesting too. I didn't understand much of it, but it kept me busy and for once I feel like I actually deserve the pay check!

Once the cats were taken away (Wednesday morning, after it had started to leak! GAH!) The rest of the week went very smoothly.

Not a dull moment, included a drunk guy coming into the office, telling me all about his head injury by a falling parking gate, and then hit me up for bus money. I shelled out a dollar fifty in quarters. I should have told him that I needed the money more than him, seeing that I was unemployed; however, I didn't 'think I would win that argument. I may have been able to trick him, seeing that his slurring was hampering his speech, but I'm too nice a person.

And he kinda scared me.

The First Day

I suppose I won't get my first taste of unemployment until next week. I agreed to help a friend of my dad's in his law office for the week. It was money I couldn't pass up. The day actually flew by pretty quickly and helped me in my search for a career by allowing me to cross off law school.

I don't know how they (lawyers) do it! So many rules (well I suppose they're laws), copies of everything, legal speak, its tedious and confusing. Lucky for me I'm just there to type and answer the phone. There was a lot to do and it was interesting enough and routine. I've had enough experience in dealing with clients that that was not a problem.

There was one problem and I didn't know about it until lunch. Apparently someone had left a box of dead cats in the parking lot on the side of the building in which I was working. Yes, I said A. BOX. OF. DEAD. CATS. More than one.

I had gone to lunch with my dad and the temporary boss and the TB mentioned it in passing to my dad, joking that he hoped it wasn't a Sicilian threat and that he called animal control, but he didn't think they had come to collect them yet.

I stopped.

"I'm sorry did you say a box of dead cats?"

He confirmed that was what he said. I recoiled. I am a cat lover. (Shocking I know seeing that spinsterhood is in my near future.) The thought of a couple of dead cats in a box, just hanging out repulses me! Though I'm sure it would hopefully repulse anyone.

When we get back, sure enough there is a box, two feet from my car. How I didn't hit it on the way in, or even notice it on the way in is beyond me, but they were there. I couldn't help, but look as we walked back in and saw the poor fuzzy black head of one. My stomach turned and I hurried inside thinking of nice happy thoughts and went back to my typing, hereof and therein.

So other than the constant though of dead animals, the day was fine. Old work only called once, but I didn't answer. I don't think it has actually sunk in that I'm never going to back to the old job, but I think once it does, the sense of relief will be so overwhelming that I may pass out.

I can't wait!

Last Day

As I sit here surrounded by bouquets of flowers, gift cards, farewell cards and gift bags, I am a little teary. People cared about me here and liked me. Obviously that was not a trait for which management was looking.

I am sad leaving, but the majority of my feelings right now are relief! After today, which has been hard, I will feel free. Free is a feeling I haven't felt in sometime.

I will miss particular people, the people who are outraged by what has happened and what is going on, but this was my escape hatch and they've made it easy for me. I will not have to feel any guilt because this is what management wanted.

The next adventure is around the corner. I am a finalist for the big important Boston Hospital job and I feel that if I get that job, even though it will be tedious for a while, it could lead to good things.

I'm happy to be moving on.

Oh did I also mention that big important Boston Hospital was the same one that D works at? I should also mention that when I told him that I interviewed there I told him if I got the job he would have to take me out to lunch.

As we know from our track record that is hit or miss, but he did seem receptive to the idea. I just want to have some fun, I don't want to marry the guy. I couldn't stand him for that long!

The Rest of the Story

Basically, I was forced out of my job.

I knew this, I'm not stupid, but I didn't want to think about it that way, because it was too upsetting. I'm good at my job and I know it, but "upper management" I think, wanted a new start, someone they could completely control and that person wasn't me.

I think they knew by telling me they were moving me to the later hours, I would not accept. That was exactly what happened.

They advertised my position with out telling me, and when I questioned why, I was told that they were advertising it at full time to get a better quality of person. What they didn't tell me is if they did find that sort of person they would demote me. By not telling me they had a safety net in case it didn't work out that they found someone better.

From my training, I don't think they've found someone better, but they can figure that out by themselves.

Its beyond upsetting to me. I was never given a performance review, I was never told that how I was performing was not up to their standards. I was never given a chance to change my ways or improve.

In short I was give them ol' heave ho with no warning. I was manipulated to leave and it happened.

I'm still very glad to be leaving, especially since I know I meant nothing to them, but its still a disappointment to be treated so.

So that's my story. On to bigger and better things.

S-A-D Cured...

At one point during my stay, I found myself on the back patio of my married friends fabulous house by myself. I was in a skirt and tank top, my legs bare and propped on the chair across from me. There was a light breeze that caused me to tuck my skirt protectively between my legs.

I put down the book I was casually reading and looked up into the sky. Not a cloud in sight. The breeze was warm and comforting and I could see a pinkness starting to develop on my exposed left arm.

I felt something I had not felt in some time: pure contentment. I breathed deep and smiled. I wasn't thinking about my last weeks at work, where I would be living, what I would do for work. I was just thinking of how lovely the breeze felt against my face, how warm the sun was and how much I loved my newly purchased Target sunglasses. It was a break much needed and a break much appreciated. The hospitality of my married friends was unparalleled.

The trip flew, but every moment was enjoyed. The trip to the Fort Worth Zoo and the frosty limey, salty margaritas during a rousing game of scatagories were just a couple of the enjoyable moments.

It was just the fact that I was somewhere different. I was somewhere sunny and green and so, so different. It awoke a feeling me that must have gone dormant during the winter. I love new places, I love experiencing new things and being somewhere I've never been before.

The winters drain me. Kate has SAD, would be joked about, but sometimes I think its true. Its amazing what a little sun can do. SAD cured.

It revived me. I'm struggling through my last week at work, but looking very much forward to moving on. I'm not sure where I'm going, but I'm hoping it will be a great place with potential. I am waiting to hear back from Important Boston Hospital. This job would be great, but I can't get my hopes too up. My fingers are slightly crossed.

I hope I hear soon.

Three days left. I'm training, but its hard. How do you explain so someone that you know this stuff because you pay attention, you care about people and you make sure you know what's going on so you can help them. I didn't get all my knowledge because it was written down for me in a nice neat package. I worked to be good at my job, and people get frustrated with me because I cannot infuse them with my knowledge. Work hard like I did and then maybe you'll get it. Pay attention to what happens around you then maybe you'll be good at the job.

There's really know way to explain that to someone, but I try to be patient and tell them enough to get by and then on Friday I wash my hands of this place. They were willing to let me go; therefore, I will let them go.

Goodbye and Good Fricken Luck!