How to Offend a Metrosexual

I was lounging on the couch the other night, still nursing my lingering cold, reading my cooking magazines and getting giddy over the new recipes, when J and IWG came bursting through the door into the apartment. They were fresh off their jog which only made me feel like more of a lethargic slob.

There's a brief discussion on who is going to shower where and they head off. I hear some murmuring and then from the top of the stairs, IWG yells down.

"Kate do you mind if I use some of your shampoo and conditioner?"

I'm a good sharer so I yell back, or at least I try to, but my voice doesn't exactly work. "Sure help yourself!"

I don't think anything of it. I don't care if she's using my stuff. She's using J too!

Well it obviously bothers J. He comes down the stairs to use the downstairs shower, much to A's displeasure, all offended.

"She doesn't want to use my shampoo!" He is incredulous.

I'm unsympathetic, "So?"

"Its good shampoo! Its expensive rosemary and mint shampoo from Aveda!"

I know this is the shampoo he uses. We share a shower and I've even tried it a few times. Its okay, but very minty.

"J, sometimes people don't like minty shampoo. The shampoo I have, although cheap, is mild and her hair is thin. Your shampoo might be to harsh for her." I reply calmly, ever the diplomat. I feel like I'm talking to a five year old.

"But still, why wouldn't she use it!?" He's not listening. I ignore him and eventually he goes and takes his own shower.

I'm slightly offended by his disgust with her choice of shampoos. I like my shampoo, its gentle and it makes my unruly hair soft.

If I thought that was going to be the only display of immaturity it this hour I was sorely mistaken.

Some of J's habits disgust A. So the fact that J is in his shower is too much to bear. He stands in the kitchen barking orders at J.

"Hey Guy! You better use the squeegee!"

"Hey Guy, don't touch my shampoo, hey!"

Yes this is how A speaks. I'm trying my best to duplicate it in writing. Its somewhat a cross between a surfer and a Canadian. It makes me giggle and more than once I've found myself adding "hey" to the end of my sentences.

Soon J comes out of the bathroom to find A hovering.

"Did you use my stuff?" He demands.

"Why does it matter?" J responds neither confirming nor denying. This only fuels A on further.

"That shit's expensive, guy!"

"Calm down! I'll give you the seventeen cents worth of stuff I used!"

This goes on for a little while like a ping pong match, before I get bored and turn my attention back to my magazines.

At least living with these guys provides unlimited entertainment!

A day later, J came down the stairs and AGAIN asked me why she wouldn't use his shampoo. A whole day later!! I can tell its been bothering him all this time.

I chose to ignore him. Its too exhausting dealing with metrosexuals and their products!