Moved to.... What exactly?

I'm off to move. I'm ditching work early and I'm going to move all my worldly possessions tonight.

If I never return to the blog, then I have thrown myself in front of my UHaul.

Wish me luck!

Deep Breaths

I'm stressed.

I don't like being stressed and it annoys me that I am. Everything seems to be colliding at once, boring, slow work days, moving with no immediate plan and of course hormonal issues. The latter making the former worse than they should be.

I'm sitting here at my desk, head in hand when I could be packing for a yet to be determined move date. I have a three day window, but I'm assuming the last possible second. I'm annoyed at that.

I'm antsy and anxious and I think I'm developing a tick that makes me compulsively check my cell phone, just in case that certain MIA Dr. should have texted.

He hasn't. I'm annoyed and yet still not surprised, but the difference is before I was pretty sure I would hear from him again, this time not so much. I can't explain it, it just is.

I came veeeery close to texting him last night, but refrained. I had gone out for a little while with J to celebrate his finishing the Bar, but left pretty early to escape is non-friendly, snooty law school friends. I had to take the T just on the other side of the park from where D lives. I had my phone flipped open poised to text, but said no. I descended down into the depths of the subway and cut my losses.

It was nice to paid attention too for a little while, I just made the mistake of getting used to it. As I reflect backwards on our recent interaction, (Me? Reflect and analyze? Never!?) the more I am convinced that I was not exactly out of line.

If this was the text message than started it all and in the next few weeks was followed by not one, but two suggestive pictures, than I wasn't completely off by being confused by the whole situation.

Ugh! Why can't I just find someone normal?

Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go drown my sorrows in a tomato, mozzarella and basil wrap. Mmmmm.

Pretty

I'm wearing a dress to work today. I've never worn a dress to work before, but for some reason I have bought a lot of dresses this season and its supposed to be a cool 90 degrees today so I figured why the hell not? Everyone else wears dresses to work. Its soooo comfortable.

I've also gotten three compliments today and its only 9:45.

I've never really been one to dress up. Only after college did I start buying skirts when I realized that sometimes professional women wore skirts. Then I had an epiphany! Skirts are rediculously comfortable! What I had been waiting for all my life. Now I hang out in skirts, I trapsed through Europe in skirts and my wardrobe contains more skirts than pants. A-Line is my friend. The way I'm shaped I can also buy skirts in smaller sizes than I do pants, because my waist is a lot smaller than my dreaded thigh/rear area. So buying skirts is always an ego boost.

All this comes as much irony to my mother. As her second child and first girl, I'm sure she had visions of a little complacent girl who she could dress up and fix her hair, and everyone would tell her what a beautful little girl she had.

Instead she got me.

A hellion to say the least. Her favorite comment is that they couldn't take me out of the house until I was five. I had major burns, a concussion and had my hand sucked in by a horse all before the age of two. I don't remember any of that, but the stories are pretty funny. They were all faults of my own. Well I blame the burns of my brother, but its okay I show no scars. The only memories are from pictures of my at the beach with my little right hand and foot wrapped in white bandages. The whole incident traumatized my other brother more. He wouldn't leave my mother's side for a month.

I wonder if a lot of my mishaps cause the worrying, hyper-concerned older brother I have today? The fact that my mom had to leave a screaming singed toddler with him while she found my dad, and then had him sit next to me and keep me awake when I concussed myself trying to climb into my dolls carriage probably had a little bit to do with it.

I'm completely unaffected!

My mother did try her best to make me into a little girl. By kindergarten my hair was a tangled mess down to my waist and instead of letting my mom pull it into a pony tail, braid or pig tails, I wouldn't let her touch it. Needless to say, by first grade I was sporting a neat bob.

She designated Monday as dress day. I was horrible, my mom is convinced that she is lucky that no on called DSS on dress day judging by the screams that emited from my tiny mouth as she came at me with a dress. I'll give her credit, she did prevail eventually and every Monday I was dressing in something frilly with some smocking and possibly some ribbons. My most infamous dress hating scenario is re-told every Christmas by my extended family. Mynana, who should have know better by then, had wrapped up a new dress for me. I tore into my pretty new present with anticipation on my face, but that quickly faded to disappointmen and disbelife as I opened a dress! To the amusement of my whole family, I threw the whole package on the ground and jumped up and down on it in a mini-tantrum.

I'm sure my mother had never been more proud.

Now here I am wearing a dress of my own accord, and I like it.

Not That Surprised

Well I haven't heard from D.

I guess I'm not really surprised, but I had hoped it would be different. I have fun with him and I would like to hang out with him more, but he's just so unreliable. I'm hoping it doesn't have anything to do with my behavior the other night, but I can never be sure. I'm never sure of peoples actions, why or why they don't do certain things. I never know what's going on with other people.

It tends to drive me crazy and send me into the depths of self doubt and second guessing. I let myself descend a little this weekend, but no more. I've pulled myself out.

There's no point. I knew how D operates and I have to accept that what I would do and what anyone else might do in this situation is very different and I can't control what other people do. I'm not ashamed of how I acted, I'm just annoyed at the whole thing.

I think one of the reasons that I was so anxious the other night was because I know how he operates. Seeing him twice in one week was unheard of! Who knew when I was going to see him again? I got what I wanted.

So I'm done with thinking and obsessing about it. I've done what I can, its out of my control.

I have much bigger things to obsess about. One week till moving day and I haven't even THOUGHT about it. Okay well I did order boxes, but they're not coming until tomorrow so there's really nothing I can do until then.

I'm still slightly in denial about the whole moving process. It doesn't seem real that I'm leaving my apartment in a week. I don't want to. I like it there, but I have no choice and so it must be done.

I like my new area, its really cute and has a lot of fun things around that I can walk to and explore. I think I'll like it there.

I don't really know what to think or expect from my new roommates, but hopefully I'll be able to figure them out soon.

I just wish I were already settled.

Oh My.....

I saw D last night.

I was really surprised that he actually texted me during the day, ending with "Hope to see you." I was touched, it was nice to be paid attention to and contacted within a reasonable amount of time.

I head over there, this time having time to beautify myself. We decide to go out to grab a bite to eat. A bite to eat to me means a quick appetizer somewhere low key and cheapish. To him it meant 23 Newbury, but I won't complain. Dinner was nice, we talked I had an extremely strong blueberry martini that tasted more like Robitussin rather than blueberry, fortunately for me I like Robitussin.

We walked back to his place, the night was warm and the air hot and sticky. Its the kind of sticky you can feel on your skin. My blow drying was all for nothing. Its the kind of weather that makes you instantly feel unattractive.

D is being the perfect gentleman. I'm not really sure what to make of it. I don't see D as relationship material, if he were I think we would have gone that route already. I've known him for almost two years.

Back in his apartment he mixes us huge vodka tonics and we sit at opposite ends of the couch just talking and listening to music. He offers to burn me the CD, he asks me what I'm doing this weekend. Its nice, but the tonic is strong, I know I'm getting drunk and my attraction to him is getting stronger.

He looks at me funny.

"You're pretty buzzed?"

"No I'm not." I pause, "Maybe a little?"

"Will you be able to drive? Should I call you a cab?" He's being sweet, of course my vodka soaked brain is like "is he kicking me out?" He already told me at dinner that he has two big cases the next day and he gets up at 5.

"No, I'll be fine."

"You're sure?" He looks concerned.

Now I get pissy when people try to take too much care of me. I can handle myself, but Vodka Kate gets indignant. "I'm fine, I'll just sit in my car until I can drive." I get up.

He looks at me funny, like he doesn't recognize me. "Why are you getting all pissy?"

"I'm not! I'll be fine."

"Will you text me when you get home? Do me a favor?"

I look at him, annoyed. "No?" he says?

I sigh, "I will." We walk to the door. I'm confused. Why won't he make a move? Why won't he touch me? Is he not attracted to me? This is what's making me pissy, not him per say but the fact that I can't articulate what is making me pissy and what I want.

"Okay, well drive safe."

Me still being embarrassingly sullen. "You got all weird on me." he says.

Then out of the vodka haze comes, "Well I'm not the one sending naked pictures."

He looks at me questionably again and laughs. "You're crazy."

He's right and I deflate. I decide honestly is the best route, not that I can really redeem myself or my recent behavior. I smile sheepishly. "I'm sorry its just been a while, and I'm awkward."

"What's been awhile? Since you've been physical with someone?"

I nod, extremely embarrassed.

"How long?"

"Seven months."

"Good lord!" and he grins. "You want to get naked?"

Now I'm demure. "Oh no, you have to get up early, and I didn't mean it like that." I rush out a stream of excuses, but its too late he grabs me and is backing me towards the bed.

"I just didn't want to be forceful with you." With that comment we tumble backwards.

As he commented later. "Zero months, Zero days, Zero minutes."

I'm not quite sure where that brazen hussy came from, or as I like to call her Slutty McSluterson, but it was well worth the embarrassment I felt later.

Of course I've had thoughts crop up, was I too forward? Should I have been more patient, more confident? Will I hear from him again? But when its all said and done, I got what I wanted and I sure do hope I get it again!

My New Work Delaying Obsession

As you can see from my addition to my side bar, my new obsession is Fafarzzi. Its basically a fantasy team for girls.

As much as I like my baseball, I doubt I would have the stamina or patience to manage a fantasy baseball team. This is easy and something interesting that takes up time at work. Those are all essential requirements.

And my team kicks ass!

Well....Finally

Yet another early morning text sent a possibility of hanging out with D last night. It all depended on whether or not someone would take his late call. Sure, whatever.

By 4:00 I texted to see how it was looking, I didn't want to race home shower and make myself look presentable for nothing.

He said it was looking good.

So I had it all planned. Being lazy in the morning I pretty much grabbed the only pair of pants I didn't have to iron. They were black capris, a little on the big side and not the most flattering, but comfortable. I also grabbed a bluish top that needed minimal ironing, but after I put it on I noticed that there was a weird pulling on the hem where it had been hung on the line. It looked funny, but I couldn't be bothered to change.

It seemed all day I noticed things that needed to be taken care of: errant eyebrow hair, ink stained fingers, chipped toenail, and the worst, stubbly legs. I'll take care of that tonight when I shower.

I'm just about to leave work to head home when he texts: "Don't go back to Camb. Just come here! I'm tired and have to go to the gym."

I'm horrified! I can't go right to his place, I'm hideous! Oh did I mention that I didn't dry my hair either? Oh no, I was too lazy! I was going to blow dry my hair when I got home.

He's pretty insistent, "Just come by for a drink and see my place, then we'll do something Wednesday."

"I don't think you'll want to see me Wednesday, if you see how I look now."

I contemplate, pretty sure I smell funny, but I give in. A quick pony tail and a head band and the knowledge that I have deodorant in my bag spurr me onward. I didn't look too badly in the T window, but that's a little distorted.

I gave in.

I arrive at his place in the beautiful part of Boston, instantly jealous. He answers the door, cute as always and I make a bee-line for the bathroom. I do the best I can and enter the apartment.

His place is amazing. Its a studio, but large, airy and spacious.

Nothing exciting happened, we talked for about an hour and a half. He makes me laugh and doesn't take himself too seriously. He's fun and that's what I'm looking for right now.

We left together, he on his way to the gym and me to the T to go home. It was comfortable walking with him, there's not a searing intense attraction, but its nice and I know what his body looks like under his shirt!

I was teasing him on the way and he slung his arm playfully around my neck and we just hugged goodbye at the T.

There was talk about hanging out on Wednesday, something like if 4 OR's are open, he can get off early, but if 6 are open he has to stay. Sure.... whatever..

History tells me not to keep my hopes up.

My Biggest Flaw

As much as I hate this word, there is no way else to state this: I'm shy.

There! I said it. Its not the best descriptive word there is, but its serves the purpose. I'm feeling it the most now that I've been here a month at my new/semi-new job and I have no new friends.

I'm starting to feel a little pathetic.

The majority of my friends I have known since elementary school and they're great friends and because I've had that base for as lone as I can remember its almost like I have evolved without the mechanism to make friends. I have two close friends from college, one was forced to live with me freshman year, but I'm pretty sure for the first month she though I was mute, and the second, my roommate forges the friendship and I surfed along on her coat tails. I have one friend from my time in San Diego, but she was my roommates friend first and she sort of adopted me (possibly out of pity) when that roommate moved back to Boston. Well I have another friend for San Diego, but the fact that we hooked up first and evolved as friends doesn't really count as "friend-making."

This inability really bothers me, especially when I see people who do it so effortlessly. They just have mountains of friends, their phones chime endlessly and they're never without plans, juggling several at once.

I've never been that way and I haven't felt this inadequate since my first year in college. Lucky for me fate placed S in my life, or I would have been a complete loser.

I'm friendly, I'm nice its just seems that people don't want to be my friend. I'm an introvert, I know this and I'm comfortable with this. I'm also loyal, smart, witty and funny, but you're not going to see my trying to be the life of the party or the center of attention. In groups I don't need to hear my voice, I'm perfectly content to just listen, but for some reason that never seems to be acceptable. One of my all time favorite quotes:

"If you want to know what an extrovert is thinking, just listen. If you want to know what an introvert is thinking, just ask."

If you don't talk, people think you're weird, or snobby. I know this, and while I am content to just sit and listen, I know that they are viewing me strangely so I'll sit and wage a mini-war in my head. I'll try to come up with something to say, something to contribute, but because I'm not one to struggle to have my voice heard, its just awkward.

I suppose I've given up, I don't think the girls I sit with like me much, and frankly they scare me, since they rip into everyone once they leave our area. I don't know if I could trust them.

I would want friends at work, but I guess they're not necessary. I just don't have the knack for it I suppose.

I know who I am and I do accept it. For some reason since starting this job, I have started to doubt myself and even dislike myself a little bit for not being able to make friends. Its never bothered me before, but this is the first job I've had with people close to my own age and I feel like I should have friends.

I'm sure this will pass eventually. I've always been hampered by what I feel I should do, but there really is no law about having friends at work. I'll just be the quiet new girl that no one likes.

I'm okay with that.

Little do they know that I'm quite popular in my own right, successful, fun, and hopefully, hopefully hopefully, having a rooftop dinner with a certain hot doctor this evening! (fingers crossed, I can't take many more early morning texts.) 6:45...grrrrr

6 AM

I'm not a morning person. I never was and I never will be. When people who have children talk about how little sleep they get, that scares me more than the thought of labor.

For this reason I was appalled when I received a text message at 6:00 this morning. That's AM people. Kate only has on 6 o'clock on her clock! It was partially my fault for choosing such a shrill tone for my text messages, but still! 6 AM! Really? Who would ever think that would be a good idea?

Well. D. He thought it would be a good idea.

I knew it was him as soon as the sound woke me. I think I made a half groaning/half growling sound as I flopped over in my way to comfortable bed in my 66 degree air conditioned room. (Let's just say I'm getting A back for months of roasting me during the winter.)

I resisted for a few moments, but knew I wouldn't get back to sleep, for that last precious hour, until I read it. I struggle out of bed and grab my phone. As annoyed as I was it did make me smile.

"Hey sweetie. Sorry I've been MIA, lots of calls. I'm in NYC thru late Sunday for my mom's b-day, get together Mon on Tues?"

I couldn't help myself, I let my annoyance slide. I know its pathetic, but he's cute, and trust me that picture has kept me going in this frustrating pursuit of hanging out time.

Not quite sure where he got "sweetie" from, but he is right, I am pretty sweet!

I guess Monday or Tuesday will tell.

I should start taking wagers. At this rate I call September!

Back to the Blahs

The shiny newness has seem to fade a bit on my new job. Tomorrow will be a month that I have been here.

Don't start groaning. "Oh here we go again!"

Its definitely above and beyond what my old job was. It is better. Its just not spectacular. Oh I know most jobs aren't and that's why they call it "work" and all that bull, but I couldn't help desperately wishing for something more. No, I have no idea what that I more should be, I just believe its possible and exists somewhere. Like Santa Clause and painless stilettos. Somewhere, possible over the rainbow in never-never land a job with something more exists.

Yah, I'm talking gibberish.

For now the job is fine. I have a routine, I have work to do. I'm not the best at making friends, but I try to make conversation and be nice to people.

I've just been in the worst mood for the past two days for no reason what-so-ever and it makes me sullen and distracted. Not the best mood for productive friend making. So I've put it on the back burner.

Stupid back burner is getting way to crowded now that I've added friend-making to the list. D and moving have had to shove over a little bit.

I can't even get started on D, but I have given up. The stupid metaphorical ball is in his court now!

All The Help I Can Get

"I pray for you, you know." My mom is looking at me thoughtfully. I'm just trying to enjoy the sun, minding my own business.

"You do?"

I was raised Catholic. We went to church every Sunday, no matter what. I have since grown out of that habit and I know it is a disappointment to my mother that none of us no longer go to church except for Christmas. She has given up trying to drag me out of bed and making me go. Though as anyone raise Catholic knows, you can't shake it. It follows you around and you'll find yourself doing strange things, like muttering little prayers or blessing yourself for no reason. Where as I have said my own little prayers now and again, I feel after I have, that my membership has lapsed and I'm afraid they may send a penalty rather than answer my prayer.

My mom is a good Catholic though so with her praying for me I should have a good chance.

I squint at her over my book. "Why do you pray for me?"

"Well I pray for all of you." I'm assuming she mean my brothers and me, the fallen ones. "I pray for you to meet someone nice to spend your life with."

"Oh, well that's nice, obviously I need the help."

She laughs in agreement, I try not to feel annoyed. Then she looks pensive.

"I've just been worried though about my prayer." She does look concerned.

"Why would you be worried, its a prayer?" I don't really know where this is going, but then again I never know with these types of conversations.

"Well, when I pray for you to meet someone, I haven't actually been specifying that it should be a man. So I'm worried that now you may meet a woman!" She starts laughing.

I stare at her. "Are you really worried that you may be turning me into a lesbian? Thanks a lot mom! Don't I have a say?" I start laughing too.

The ridiculousness of the conversation hits both of us and we can't stop laughing.

"Well you know its probably time for me to stop being so picky. Man, woman, who cares!? Thanks for the prayer."

"Well you seem to need all the help you can get!"

More laughter.

Thanks for the vote of confidence, mom!

Guilty

I've been neglectful.

I hate not posting, but I've been busy. Go figure. I actually haven't had time to post at work, my preferred place of posting, and when I get home I'm usually running to see an apartment or to overwhelmed with the heat to do much of anything (that was mostly last week.)

No more excuses! I've found a place, yay. Work has slowed a little bit and its raining and cooler than last week.

Has much happened? Nope!

Well okay, I did find a new place to live, but that happened an hour ago. I'm thrilled to stop looking and interviewing for places, but on the whole I'm not thrilled to be moving. I like my place. I'm sick of my roommates, except P, but I still like the place, the location and most of all my room. I'm going to miss that place.

My new place is in Somerville, but super close to Porter's square, which I love and close to my lil' brother's place. It will be good, just different and stressful at first. The only thing that gets me about this place and that I was not the first choice and my first reaction when the guy emailed me to offer me the place because the person the offered it to flaked, was to say no. "Pride cometh before the fall?" Yah my tragic flaw.

I pushed back the indignant voices saying "oh but you weren't good enough the first time!?" and allowed the rational, tired voice to come through with more comforting "Now you don't have to look anymore" and "you really did like the place" statements.

So I accepted. Done deal.

J and I are pretty much not friends anymore. I don't know how I can respect someone who would think it was perfectly OK to put me in this type of position, not even ask me how its going and just above all make me doubt my worth as a friend, person and roommate.

He's the one that needs a character adjustment and a good reality check, but I don't have the energy to deal with him anymore. In fact, I don't think he can be helped.

Its sad to lose a friend, but in the end there wasn't much friend to lose. The main thing is that most (all) of my friends are NOT in the city. I feel a little lonely. Nothing can be spur of the moment anymore. Everything has to be planned in advance. Oh well!

To new adventures in Porter's Square!