If someone were to ask me what I did at work this afternoon, I would have to answer that I did the Hustle.
Yes, the Hustle. And I did it well.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Strangley the Same
I just looked at my post from last year on the same day and I could probably cut and paste it verbatim right here! Well except for the texting D part because he's been a big ol' bore lately and as much as I somewhat do want to see him, it's just such a repeating pattern that I'm slowly losing interest. I don't know. It's just stagnant.
I'm not saying that if he texted and wanted to get together, I wouldn't. I'm just sick of the back and forth texting with no ending.
I haven't seen him in awhile. I lost track of how long.
Life is just rolling along. I was very busy for the last few weeks that I though I would welcome the alone time, but I was wrong. I'm very bored being left to my own devices. I'm trying not to spend money and the only activities I can think to entertain myself cost's money: Target, any mall, Whole Foods. You get the picture.
Last night I left work early, because I had been sitting, staring out the window since 2:30 and arrived in Porter's Square at 5:30. I had no idea what to do with myself, so I found myself wandering around Shaw's Supermarket, even though I didn't need a thing. After thirty minutes I emerged with a half of a pound of cocktail shrimp, two Cedarline frozen entrees (Spinach Pie and Veggie Lasagna, both of which will sit in my freezer for a good 6 months, but hey! they were on sale) and spinach and cheese rolls from the deli.
The products of an aimless mind. I also put A LOT of stuff back.
I spent an hour with the newest Cooking Light magazine before eating dinner, finished a book and the fell asleep before 10:00.
You would think I would be well rested, my head is in my hand right now. I'm lacking stimulation here at this time. It's draining. Yesterday in our team meeting we were already talking about Holiday vacation. We're very limited on the time we can take during the holiday's because it's our busiest time, so this is always a point of contention with everyone. Just thinking that far in advance made my head hurt.
On the other hand I'm looking forward to the fall. It's been chilly in the morning this week and I like it. It's a more comfortable commute. Things are moving along well. I can't complain really. Maybe I don't try hard enough or maybe I'm not "putting myself out there" whatever that means.
Things are good for the most part. I don't really have the liberty to be resentful or dissatisfied with anything. I've been blessed with a lot, more than most. I can't be ungrateful for the things I have just because of the one thing I don't.
I'm not saying that if he texted and wanted to get together, I wouldn't. I'm just sick of the back and forth texting with no ending.
I haven't seen him in awhile. I lost track of how long.
Life is just rolling along. I was very busy for the last few weeks that I though I would welcome the alone time, but I was wrong. I'm very bored being left to my own devices. I'm trying not to spend money and the only activities I can think to entertain myself cost's money: Target, any mall, Whole Foods. You get the picture.
Last night I left work early, because I had been sitting, staring out the window since 2:30 and arrived in Porter's Square at 5:30. I had no idea what to do with myself, so I found myself wandering around Shaw's Supermarket, even though I didn't need a thing. After thirty minutes I emerged with a half of a pound of cocktail shrimp, two Cedarline frozen entrees (Spinach Pie and Veggie Lasagna, both of which will sit in my freezer for a good 6 months, but hey! they were on sale) and spinach and cheese rolls from the deli.
The products of an aimless mind. I also put A LOT of stuff back.
I spent an hour with the newest Cooking Light magazine before eating dinner, finished a book and the fell asleep before 10:00.
You would think I would be well rested, my head is in my hand right now. I'm lacking stimulation here at this time. It's draining. Yesterday in our team meeting we were already talking about Holiday vacation. We're very limited on the time we can take during the holiday's because it's our busiest time, so this is always a point of contention with everyone. Just thinking that far in advance made my head hurt.
On the other hand I'm looking forward to the fall. It's been chilly in the morning this week and I like it. It's a more comfortable commute. Things are moving along well. I can't complain really. Maybe I don't try hard enough or maybe I'm not "putting myself out there" whatever that means.
Things are good for the most part. I don't really have the liberty to be resentful or dissatisfied with anything. I've been blessed with a lot, more than most. I can't be ungrateful for the things I have just because of the one thing I don't.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Big Goings On
My family has been very busy this summer producing life experiences. The 35th wedding anniversary here, a pregnancy there and now an engagement.
We're not a big family, but we go big and in short amounts of time. The new baby was announced in July with and ETA of March. I'm excited and concerned at the same time. My little Neph will only be 18 months then, he didn't get mummy and daddy to himself for long, but that's okay, I plan to be the overcompensating aunt. Not that there isn't enough love to go around, we fight over him enough as it is. I'm just cautious and a little anxious. His arrival wasn't the easiest. The little bugger.
The engagement is brand new. My lil' bro popped the question just last week. I found out yesterday, they made me notice the ring. It took me a few minutes. I was expecting it and not expecting it at the same time. I think I thought I would know about it before it happened, but he was very secretive. Only my mother knew and she didn't even tell my dad. Which was a smart move because it is widely known the he sings like a canary.
The ring is beautiful and they're very happy. I think they're planning for next fall, which will be nice. I love fall weddings.
Then there's me. Keepin it real. Holding down the fort, giving my fam the little awkward piece that keeps them from being too happy, too right, too perfect. I'm fulfilling my role to a T. I don't mind, I'm willing to sacrifice my happiness for theirs. I mean it would be too perfect right? No family could sustain that for long. So I'm okay with my role.
I couldn't be more happy for them, so it feels a little selfish to think about my own life in comparison with their lives and the progression of their lives. If nothing happens for me then so be it! At least I can take comfort in the fact that I am a good sister, daughter and friend.
I fear that people may wonder what I'm thinking or are afraid that I will be resentful. The bitter spinster sister. I hope to god that I don't come off that way, but I suppose people will think what they will.
I mean I'll be the first to admit that I tend to think a little off about some subjects concerning myself.
When I told G that they were engaged, his response was:
G: Are you okay?
me: Yes of course
G: Okay just making sure
me: well besides the fact that I feel like a failure, but that's a story for another day...
G: Yeah well I figured with the way your mind works you would be feeling something like that, well we will talk tomorrow and you can get it out of your system. But you totally are not a failure.
I like and hate at the same time that he knows how I think. It embarrasses me, but it's still me. I can't help, but let that cross my mind. I guess it just shows that he does know how I think in terms of myself and he was thinking of me more than he was thinking of the actual news. It's nice to have someone like that.
Beyond my own self-issues and expectations, it's going to be an exciting year. I'm looking forward to everything because when it comes right down to it: It's not really about me.
We're not a big family, but we go big and in short amounts of time. The new baby was announced in July with and ETA of March. I'm excited and concerned at the same time. My little Neph will only be 18 months then, he didn't get mummy and daddy to himself for long, but that's okay, I plan to be the overcompensating aunt. Not that there isn't enough love to go around, we fight over him enough as it is. I'm just cautious and a little anxious. His arrival wasn't the easiest. The little bugger.
The engagement is brand new. My lil' bro popped the question just last week. I found out yesterday, they made me notice the ring. It took me a few minutes. I was expecting it and not expecting it at the same time. I think I thought I would know about it before it happened, but he was very secretive. Only my mother knew and she didn't even tell my dad. Which was a smart move because it is widely known the he sings like a canary.
The ring is beautiful and they're very happy. I think they're planning for next fall, which will be nice. I love fall weddings.
Then there's me. Keepin it real. Holding down the fort, giving my fam the little awkward piece that keeps them from being too happy, too right, too perfect. I'm fulfilling my role to a T. I don't mind, I'm willing to sacrifice my happiness for theirs. I mean it would be too perfect right? No family could sustain that for long. So I'm okay with my role.
I couldn't be more happy for them, so it feels a little selfish to think about my own life in comparison with their lives and the progression of their lives. If nothing happens for me then so be it! At least I can take comfort in the fact that I am a good sister, daughter and friend.
I fear that people may wonder what I'm thinking or are afraid that I will be resentful. The bitter spinster sister. I hope to god that I don't come off that way, but I suppose people will think what they will.
I mean I'll be the first to admit that I tend to think a little off about some subjects concerning myself.
When I told G that they were engaged, his response was:
G: Are you okay?
me: Yes of course
G: Okay just making sure
me: well besides the fact that I feel like a failure, but that's a story for another day...
G: Yeah well I figured with the way your mind works you would be feeling something like that, well we will talk tomorrow and you can get it out of your system. But you totally are not a failure.
I like and hate at the same time that he knows how I think. It embarrasses me, but it's still me. I can't help, but let that cross my mind. I guess it just shows that he does know how I think in terms of myself and he was thinking of me more than he was thinking of the actual news. It's nice to have someone like that.
Beyond my own self-issues and expectations, it's going to be an exciting year. I'm looking forward to everything because when it comes right down to it: It's not really about me.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Tired of Sharing
For some reason I was nervous on the way down. In the back of my friends SUV, I was trying to keep my dress smoothed and my hair strait. I could feel it was a losing battle. We were headed down to the Naval Academy in Newport, RI for the wedding of my former SD roommate and friend from high school. I wasn't sure why I was nervous. It would mostly be my friends, but that has been known to go badly.
I had been in touch with the third of the trio that made up the occupants of our three floor town house just minutes from the beach in SD. I hadn't seen T in about four years, but we had a pretty good relationship. He was like my BF with out the drama. More like a strait, gay boyfriend. If that makes any sense. I was looking forward to seeing him again, but I was also a little wary over the suggestive texts he had been sending. I kind of knew he had a thing for me, but I've always managed to not encourage that. I was looking forward to seeing him though, unfortunately so was M.
M and I have been friends since we were two years old. The first time I saw here there is a rumor I ran out in my skivvies to yell at her for using my smurf mobile. At the time I had no idea how much that one moment would define our relationship.
Every part of our lives is pretty much intertwined. It is hard for me to have something that is just mine. I cling to those things that are. I struggle to keep them separate. They're are mine and they are very, very few. T was one of them. M had met him once when she came to visit SD and then again when he was in Boston.
Even now thinking about this and struggling with my feelings about this whole situation, I feel silly and a little immature. Basically T was mine and I didn't really want to share him. I supposed it was silly of me to think that after four years we would fall back into old patterns, but its just the principle.
The second I told M I heard from T she emailed him. If I was talking she was interrupting. When he had to put his sword in the car, she went with him and when she was cold he gave her his jacket.
In his defense, he definitely had a better chance of scoring with M.
The wedding was so fun and I had a great time so I don't want to dwell on the fact that I was unceremoniously kicked out of my bed because M jumped in it. I just don't get it.
The fact of the matter is that I've been too giving. It's always been easier to give in than to make a scene. Which is exactly what I did, I sat up, ignored the "you're leaving" question from T and headed off to the other room. I've always been a little too prideful, but it's really all I have.
Score one more for M. Another part of my life she has successfully infiltrated.
I had been in touch with the third of the trio that made up the occupants of our three floor town house just minutes from the beach in SD. I hadn't seen T in about four years, but we had a pretty good relationship. He was like my BF with out the drama. More like a strait, gay boyfriend. If that makes any sense. I was looking forward to seeing him again, but I was also a little wary over the suggestive texts he had been sending. I kind of knew he had a thing for me, but I've always managed to not encourage that. I was looking forward to seeing him though, unfortunately so was M.
M and I have been friends since we were two years old. The first time I saw here there is a rumor I ran out in my skivvies to yell at her for using my smurf mobile. At the time I had no idea how much that one moment would define our relationship.
Every part of our lives is pretty much intertwined. It is hard for me to have something that is just mine. I cling to those things that are. I struggle to keep them separate. They're are mine and they are very, very few. T was one of them. M had met him once when she came to visit SD and then again when he was in Boston.
Even now thinking about this and struggling with my feelings about this whole situation, I feel silly and a little immature. Basically T was mine and I didn't really want to share him. I supposed it was silly of me to think that after four years we would fall back into old patterns, but its just the principle.
The second I told M I heard from T she emailed him. If I was talking she was interrupting. When he had to put his sword in the car, she went with him and when she was cold he gave her his jacket.
In his defense, he definitely had a better chance of scoring with M.
The wedding was so fun and I had a great time so I don't want to dwell on the fact that I was unceremoniously kicked out of my bed because M jumped in it. I just don't get it.
The fact of the matter is that I've been too giving. It's always been easier to give in than to make a scene. Which is exactly what I did, I sat up, ignored the "you're leaving" question from T and headed off to the other room. I've always been a little too prideful, but it's really all I have.
Score one more for M. Another part of my life she has successfully infiltrated.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Complacent? Content?
Last night I had a dream in which D ran his hand down my sides and said. "Wow, you're big here." I then remember yelling at him and that was about it.
I'm not fat, but I've been feeling a little different lately and I'm definitely not as slim as I have been in the past. It bothers me! When I can feel it, it really bothers me.
It does not help that I'm going out to dinner three times this week. It's restaurant week here in Boston and I have three reservations. The first being tonight. I'm excited, but now this dream is unsettling me. I know I shouldn't let it, but it's hard not to.
I love food though and I'm beyond excited to try three different places this week. I'll just have to be good during the day.
I've also been trying to figure out why I haven't been compelled to blog as much as I have in the past. That's what it has been for me in the past, a compulsion. After reading a few old posting and looking at the ebbs and flows in my posting, I came to one conclusion.
I don't write as much when I'm content.
I also realized that majority of my recent posts have been D-centric. He is one of the situations in my life that produces discord or self-doubt. He produces situations that I have to work through and writing them down, or even turning our interactions into funny anecdotes (because when you really do look at them that way they are freaking hilarious) help me to see the situation for what it is and not to be down about it or discouraged by it.
Make for some sporadic blogging too!
I have been content lately. The summer allows for me to relax and lay low. Most of my weekends have me heading to my parents house to crash at their pool. I don't stress about not having any plans and I don't want them. I much rather enjoy my free time alone. I am looking forward to the fall though.
So less blogging means I'm happy? I'm not sold on that one. Maybe less interesting because I'm doing nothing or there seems to be a lack of drama. I'm also not sold on the fact that that is a good thing. A little drama never hurt anyone. A very little!
So I guess my question for myself is if I am content or just complacent. Should I try harder? I tell myself I am content and that, mainly with personal relationships, it will happen when I'm ready, but is that necessarily true? Should I be actively pursuing something? I don't feel it really, the need to find someone. I'm not sure if that's the fear blanketed in complacency talking or the fact that I really do just like it better by myself.
I've been reflecting on a lot of the same questions lately, that one in particular really stands out.
Complacent vs. Content.
People say you have to work for what you want. I supposed the first step to that is to figure out what exactly it is that I want before I can go out and get it. I don't' really expect it to fall in my lap, but I don't know if i have the energy or steel resolve to go out and take the punches necessary to achieve it.
So here I am. Anxiously content or relaxed complacence.
I'm not fat, but I've been feeling a little different lately and I'm definitely not as slim as I have been in the past. It bothers me! When I can feel it, it really bothers me.
It does not help that I'm going out to dinner three times this week. It's restaurant week here in Boston and I have three reservations. The first being tonight. I'm excited, but now this dream is unsettling me. I know I shouldn't let it, but it's hard not to.
I love food though and I'm beyond excited to try three different places this week. I'll just have to be good during the day.
I've also been trying to figure out why I haven't been compelled to blog as much as I have in the past. That's what it has been for me in the past, a compulsion. After reading a few old posting and looking at the ebbs and flows in my posting, I came to one conclusion.
I don't write as much when I'm content.
I also realized that majority of my recent posts have been D-centric. He is one of the situations in my life that produces discord or self-doubt. He produces situations that I have to work through and writing them down, or even turning our interactions into funny anecdotes (because when you really do look at them that way they are freaking hilarious) help me to see the situation for what it is and not to be down about it or discouraged by it.
Make for some sporadic blogging too!
I have been content lately. The summer allows for me to relax and lay low. Most of my weekends have me heading to my parents house to crash at their pool. I don't stress about not having any plans and I don't want them. I much rather enjoy my free time alone. I am looking forward to the fall though.
So less blogging means I'm happy? I'm not sold on that one. Maybe less interesting because I'm doing nothing or there seems to be a lack of drama. I'm also not sold on the fact that that is a good thing. A little drama never hurt anyone. A very little!
So I guess my question for myself is if I am content or just complacent. Should I try harder? I tell myself I am content and that, mainly with personal relationships, it will happen when I'm ready, but is that necessarily true? Should I be actively pursuing something? I don't feel it really, the need to find someone. I'm not sure if that's the fear blanketed in complacency talking or the fact that I really do just like it better by myself.
I've been reflecting on a lot of the same questions lately, that one in particular really stands out.
Complacent vs. Content.
People say you have to work for what you want. I supposed the first step to that is to figure out what exactly it is that I want before I can go out and get it. I don't' really expect it to fall in my lap, but I don't know if i have the energy or steel resolve to go out and take the punches necessary to achieve it.
So here I am. Anxiously content or relaxed complacence.
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