Productive

Now that I'm friends with the girls I work with my productivity has gone down hill. I find myself having to stay late to finish some of my work. I feel like the girl in high school who lets her grades slip because she's finally become popular. Its kind of humorous to me, because as much as I wanted to have friends at work, I didn't necessarily need them or feel like I was missing anything, but now its fun and it makes work all the more enjoyable.

I feel like the cool older sister, the one that's been through the ringer and is only wiser for it. I keep my melancholy to myself. They think I'm smart and wise and ask for my advice. Its flattering.

They think I played it cool with the D situation and were wondering how I pulled it off. Its hard to tell someone its easy to play it cool when you're empty inside concerning the situation. He has trickled back into my life. Slowly. I don't think he decided to go the friends route. We were discussing getting together for dinner when he admitted that he "missed the hot sex" and of course I miss it too, but how long until he starts beating himself up again about it and in turn affecting me again?

He also said if we did go to dinner he couldn't promise he wouldn't try to take my clothes off.

Sigh.....

I mean I miss it too, but at what cost am I willing to fall back into that situation?

Besides, my mom forbid me to sleep with him again. No, I'm not kidding.

That's where it stand now. Not much to go on, the last contact being a One A. M. text asking if I was out. I wasn't, I was sleeping.

Every thing else is moving along. Work is going well, I'm having fun, which for some reason seems more important to me than moving up or on. My birthday month is around the corner. G is coming to visit from Iraq for a week towards the end of May. I more than a little excited to have a buddy for a few days. Now I just have to decide what to do!

May is shaping up to be a fun month! Fingers crossed!

Regression

I feel like I have time-warped back to two years ago. I can sense something is wrong, but I get no answers. I don't know how to react and so everything runs through my head at top speed, causeing my verbal sewage. I dig my holes and take the fall.

Its gets too far and I can take it back and now I'm afraid I ruined the friendship that was so hard to start in the first place. I went through a lot to get to this place and I would be very sad if it ended.

I understand that I have a problem with negativity, but I'm not the only one. In this friendship calling one another negative is pointless. We both are. We're very similar that way.

All I want to do is make it right. I'm not even sure I did THAT much to cause this rift. It hurts though, a lot. Its bringing back feelings that I thought were long gone and I hate it. I never wanted to go back there. I worked hard to escape.

I feel like I've ruined things, but I don't really think I did. I'll take the blame though, its easier that way to absorb the anger rather than to exert it. Its what I do best. I just want it to be better, to be normal, to be back to what we've created that worked for both. I knew it was fragile, but I hoped this time the friendship would be more important.

I have felt sick since Friday, I know what I did was wrong. Its never right for me to express my feelings or let someone know how something makes me feel. My feelings never carry much weight.

I suppose whatever happens it will eventually be fine. Its just sad right now. I feel responsible.

Big Ball of Yuck

I don't know what it is exactly. I've just had this big ball of yuck in my chest for about three days or so now and its not making me a pretty person.

My negativity is out of control and I'm alienating the people that I care about the most. Its a reckless feeling, like words and feelings are spewing out of me and I can't stop them from doing so. I try to get a hold of them before they are released to the point where I can't take them back, but its always too late. The end up in the void, their heaviness weighing us down.

It makes me sick.

When did I lose faith in everything to do with me? When did I become so singular, a loner a cynic?

I wasn't always this way. I feel I felt the endless possibilities stretch out in front of me and I was happy to think of so many different things could happen to me, but now, I don't know? I feel like I'm cursed in this endless circle and my life will be the same in 5 or 10 or 20 years.

I still see the beauty and wonder in everything around me and I have faith in anything that doesn't involve me. I can be the biggest champion for someone Else's life, but for me? Its impossible and I. Don't. Know. Why.

Its the most frustrating feeling I've ever felt and I'm trying to shake it, I'm trying damn hard. I'm hoping it will pass soon, this feeling is ugly and its making me ugly. It physically hurts sometimes, like its hard to breath.

I'm sure there are a lot of underlying factors that I can't even think about right now to process. I just want it to go away. I'm trying to think positive thoughts, I WANT to be happy, I just don't know what will achieve that for me. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.

I'm almost dizzy with frustration, it's spinning me out of control and into holes I'm not quite sure I even know how to dig myself out of.

I just hope people understand, or try to understand and don't give up on me, walk away to make it stop.

I'm not like this all the time, I'm not even like this most of the time, but sometimes its creeps up on me so suddenly that the turn around can be quick and intense, it happens before I even realize it. I see it out there and I'm shocked that its there. Its almost tangible, as if I could almost grab it and release its weight from my shoulders. I wish I could grab it and squeeze the life out of it. I'm sure it would be cold and slimy, that's what it feels like in my chest.

UGH! I better be releasing some major steam right now, because I KNOW I'm not making sense.

Oh well....

Hello....Is it me you're looking for?

Sigh.. oh Lionel...

Anyway! Here I am. I keep casting my blog longing glances, I check up on it now and then, make sure its doing okay, and then when I think about writing someone drops a huge pile or work on top of me and it takes me days (and many many overtime hours, cha-ching) to dig myself out.

I'm making an exception today, even though my work had to be put in a card board box because there was too much to merely place on my desk like normal. Sweet.

Work is going well though. It has taken me about eight months to finally feel like I fit in here and it's a good feeling. I take a LONG time to warm up, but I'm aware of that, and I was patient and now I'm having fun and I don't mind going to work in the morning. Well except for today, when I got hit on ALL THE WAY TO WORK! I'm talking 20 minutes people. BTW, the future does not exist, we need to live in the now! Oh, and I look like Ashley Simpson. I'm hoping post nose job.

I'm also in the process of finding a new roommate. The recluse is moving out. We started interviews last night. The first two were Meh. I mean I guess I could live with either one of them, but no one really stood out. One cancelled last minute and she sounded really promising. She kinda sounded like me, and we know how fabulous I am! She also had a daschund! Both my roommate and I are hoping for a roommate with a pet. Then we can get all the benefits with none of the responsibility! So far we have two coming tonight to interview and four on Sunday. I hope one is the perfect fit!

Other than that, nothing too exciting going on in the Life of Kate. I finally have found a gay boyfriend! We're going to dinner tonight after the interviews. His boyfriend is in med school with C and they're out in Western Mass birthin babies, so we're doing dinner. Its more civilized!

I haven't talked to or tried to contact D. Whether or not I will, I'm not really sure? I'm not sure how I feel about the whole thing. I should probably let it go I guess, but I do miss him or the anticipation of him. I feel he added a dimension to my life that I now miss.

The weather is getting better, spring is here. Walking from the T this morning I was getting a "winter in San Diego" flahsback. The smell in the air reminded me of the mornings when I used to force G to walk to Starbucks instead of drive. The air was cool and fresh, the kind of scent you wish you could bottle. It's working for me. I'm feeling better, more alive. I'm eschewing my hibernating tendencies.

I know I've said this before, but I am going to try to post more often AND I'm getting a new lap top for my birthday (Thanks G!) so I will be more inclined to use it at home, instead of the dinosaur I have now. The thing burns my lap if I try to use it. Time to retire it!

So TGIF! I won't be a stranger!