I'm sitting on my couch, all cozy, because in this lovely town of Boston it was about 8 degrees, watching Access Hollywood, when my phone signals that I have a text message.
Hmm...I wonder who that could be?
It is of course D, the only person who texts me now a days.
"That you up to?" D is the WORST text messager ever. He doesn't pay attention and leaves me to decipher what he is trying to say. I think I even got a message sometime over the weekend with the word "wolf" in it.
I reply that I'm not doing much and I ask him what he's doing.
"Just got off work!" He's very excited I guess.
"Oh so late!" I have no idea what to respond to that, "How have you been?"
"I tend to work late! I'm good. How far do you live from the city these days?"
My radar goes up. I think our dear doctor friend may be looking for a little company and not the extended kind. I reply that I'm very close to the city now and ask him where he lives.
He replies with his street address and adds, "Want to come over for a drink and see the place?"
I pause, I really do want to hang out with him and see his new place, but I know I can't right now. There is no psychological reason and I'm not playing hard to get. The reason I can't see him right now is because I have a massive cold sore on the upper right corner of my lip. Its on its way out, but its at the flaming red scabby stage and I don't want our first encounter in six months to involve him politely ignoring It and me trying to hide It with my hair.
Before I can think of a response. (A was no help seeing he suggested that I "share the love") D texts me back.
"The only catch is that I told people from work that I would meet them out at 9:30-10ish."
Well that makes my decision much easier. Earlier in the week I had told J I would go check out a band with him, but I was probably going to back out of that, but it provided me with a valid excuse without have to admit to lip fungus. I was also slightly put out and confused. Not really being in tune with D and his intentions, I wasn't sure if that was "So you'll have to get the hell out before I go." or "We'll have to go out."
I was leaning more towards, the "You'll have to leave."
I was happy to get that text before I had responded. So I just sent a text telling him I already made plans with my roommate, but that we should get together soon.
It was met with silence until the next random texting session.
I'm sure it was just for a quick hook up or what ever, and I'm actually okay with that, but this was a little too quick, like he was fitting me in.
I have a tiny bit more self-respect than that, but this is not over. I will see his new place and find out the story of why he's back in Boston.
I will also have pretty lips at the time.
Friday, January 26, 2007
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Cold
"I look at you and I see that you're a strong person. That's why I rely on you so much." J said to me the other night after I stopped him from talking incessantly about himself.
He's not right. I'm not strong. I'm good at pretending I'm strong.
He's referring to how I got over C. It wasn't magic or a testament to my strength it was a necessity and it was something that took time and effort, something that he really is not open to. He doesn't realize what it took for me or any person getting over a break-up, because he only talks about himself. I never talk about me, I don't like to drag my "feelings" out into the open and dissect them and examine them with friends or family. They are what they are and I am who I am.
In most ways I am a calm, rational, unemotional person. My Friend once told my my Native American name would be Stiff-As-A-Board. I'm not quite sure why that is. I've just always been guarded, stand-offish, unimpressed.
I don't like to be touched, I hate sharing a bed with someone I'm not having sex with, and I hate close talkers, never mind the double-threat, close talkers who touch you when they talk. Its not that I'm unfriendly, I'm very friendly and nice to a fault. I just have these barriers that I don't like people to cross.
While J talks at me all he likes, I draw the line at hugs, cuddling or any touching at all. I can't stand it. At firs he would insist on hugs and i would stand there all stiff armed, uncomfortable. Lucky for me a friend of his came back into his life who is affectionate and will hug him and sleep in his bed. (ick! that is just something I can't comprehend) so I've been spared the requests.
I remember looking at G while I was there, it was morning and he was trying to convince me to get out of bed to go get coffee, "This is the most human contact I have had in months." I confessed.
"Me too." We're the same in that way. We'll say goodnight and then roll to our respective sides of the bed, but I'm much more affectionate with him than anyone.
"I'm not like this back at home, you know."
He raises his eyebrows, doubting my words.
"Seriously, I'm not touchy at all. In fact, I can't stand it."
"Could have fooled me!" He chuckled.
I miss him.
I realized this last night laying in bed. I haven' t talked to him in two weeks due to his Japan trip. He's probably the best friend that I have right now. The one I feel most comfortable with. The one I can talk to about anything, vent to and not feel like I'm being judged. The one I can be vulnerable with and let down my guard with and know that he pretty much already knows all my faults and that I won't surprise him with anything. He knows my quirks, he knows me.
I have accepted our situation, but he has become one of those people who sticks in your life. He will always be there to talk to and even though it may not progress any further than it has, he will always be someone of great importance in my life.
He is also extremely generous, a fabulous gift giver and a free place to crash in San Diego.
Oh and I wouldn't kick him out of bed. Even us cold, unemotional people need a little human contact now and again.
He's not right. I'm not strong. I'm good at pretending I'm strong.
He's referring to how I got over C. It wasn't magic or a testament to my strength it was a necessity and it was something that took time and effort, something that he really is not open to. He doesn't realize what it took for me or any person getting over a break-up, because he only talks about himself. I never talk about me, I don't like to drag my "feelings" out into the open and dissect them and examine them with friends or family. They are what they are and I am who I am.
In most ways I am a calm, rational, unemotional person. My Friend once told my my Native American name would be Stiff-As-A-Board. I'm not quite sure why that is. I've just always been guarded, stand-offish, unimpressed.
I don't like to be touched, I hate sharing a bed with someone I'm not having sex with, and I hate close talkers, never mind the double-threat, close talkers who touch you when they talk. Its not that I'm unfriendly, I'm very friendly and nice to a fault. I just have these barriers that I don't like people to cross.
While J talks at me all he likes, I draw the line at hugs, cuddling or any touching at all. I can't stand it. At firs he would insist on hugs and i would stand there all stiff armed, uncomfortable. Lucky for me a friend of his came back into his life who is affectionate and will hug him and sleep in his bed. (ick! that is just something I can't comprehend) so I've been spared the requests.
I remember looking at G while I was there, it was morning and he was trying to convince me to get out of bed to go get coffee, "This is the most human contact I have had in months." I confessed.
"Me too." We're the same in that way. We'll say goodnight and then roll to our respective sides of the bed, but I'm much more affectionate with him than anyone.
"I'm not like this back at home, you know."
He raises his eyebrows, doubting my words.
"Seriously, I'm not touchy at all. In fact, I can't stand it."
"Could have fooled me!" He chuckled.
I miss him.
I realized this last night laying in bed. I haven' t talked to him in two weeks due to his Japan trip. He's probably the best friend that I have right now. The one I feel most comfortable with. The one I can talk to about anything, vent to and not feel like I'm being judged. The one I can be vulnerable with and let down my guard with and know that he pretty much already knows all my faults and that I won't surprise him with anything. He knows my quirks, he knows me.
I have accepted our situation, but he has become one of those people who sticks in your life. He will always be there to talk to and even though it may not progress any further than it has, he will always be someone of great importance in my life.
He is also extremely generous, a fabulous gift giver and a free place to crash in San Diego.
Oh and I wouldn't kick him out of bed. Even us cold, unemotional people need a little human contact now and again.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
You Know You Want My Living Situation
Because I'm lacking energy to try and be witty and comprehensive about my weekend, I'll just post this for now.
J sent this gem yesterday. Notice the subtle calling out of A.
Hey guys:>
So here's the thing....our heat bill sucks. P and A, I know I've bitched and moaned about keeping the heat low, but we HAVE to work harder at this (A). We've had a pretty easy winter so far, but it's going to get frigid before the end. This weekend, we should take one day as roommates and maybe get that plastic wrap or something. We gotta do something. I don't know if that would help, but do you guys have any other ideas?
To which A responded:
I think it goes without saying that when it gets cold you use more heating fuel. You're right that it has been a relatively mild winter, hence a lower heating bill. And I agree that when we're not home we should turn the heat down to 55-60 but I don't think 65-70 is unreasonable when we're home (which is what I have it set at). If you want to conserve you might want to consider taking the a/c's out of the windows which is where most of the heat is lost, especially when your running the fan all day. If you really want to save money you should look at cutting back on the cable bill. I'd rather pay more for heat and be comfortable than all the extras for tv that I dont use. Sorry but just because I'm still in college does'nt mean I want to live in a frat house freezing my balls off all winter!!!
Your Loving Friend,
A
xoxo
(Typo's and spelling errors left in tact.)
Hmmmm? I wonder what is zapping my energy?
J sent this gem yesterday. Notice the subtle calling out of A.
Hey guys:>
So here's the thing....our heat bill sucks. P and A, I know I've bitched and moaned about keeping the heat low, but we HAVE to work harder at this (A). We've had a pretty easy winter so far, but it's going to get frigid before the end. This weekend, we should take one day as roommates and maybe get that plastic wrap or something. We gotta do something. I don't know if that would help, but do you guys have any other ideas?
To which A responded:
I think it goes without saying that when it gets cold you use more heating fuel. You're right that it has been a relatively mild winter, hence a lower heating bill. And I agree that when we're not home we should turn the heat down to 55-60 but I don't think 65-70 is unreasonable when we're home (which is what I have it set at). If you want to conserve you might want to consider taking the a/c's out of the windows which is where most of the heat is lost, especially when your running the fan all day. If you really want to save money you should look at cutting back on the cable bill. I'd rather pay more for heat and be comfortable than all the extras for tv that I dont use. Sorry but just because I'm still in college does'nt mean I want to live in a frat house freezing my balls off all winter!!!
Your Loving Friend,
A
xoxo
(Typo's and spelling errors left in tact.)
Hmmmm? I wonder what is zapping my energy?
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Grace
My phone rang in the middle of the night last night, (okay so it was only 11:45, but it FELT like the middle of the night, as I had already been asleep for some time). I reached for it, somewhat confused, somewhat excited because random, middle of the night phone calls usually produce something interesting.
It was M, not so interesting. We had actually talked briefly earlier that night and he said he would call me back in an hour, he forgot and for some reason though that instead of calling the next day and apologizing, he would call at 11:45.
Doesn't he know I'm old?
So of course now that I'm woken up I have to use the bathroom, so I struggle out of bed and head towards it. J is in my (our) bathroom brushing his teeth, so I keep on going to the bottom floor, there are two steps to go and all of a sudden I'm on the kitchen floor.
I had missed the last two steps and fell straight down into a pile of fleece bathrobe and limbs. Because I was still half asleep I'm still not quite sure what happened, and then I finally comprehend that I'm on the kitchen floor because I FELL DOWN THE STAIRS!
I look around, because for some reason I feel like P and Legs witnessed my acrobatic manouver, but the whole area is dark so I stumble into the bathroom.
This whole time I'm still on the phone with M. He's still talking. He has talked through my tumble and has continued.
All of sudden he stops. "What are you doing? Did you stub your toe?"
"Umm something like that?"
If me falling down the stairs literally into a heap at the foot of them sounds like someone stubbing their toe, than I must be a more graceful klutz than I thought I was. I could have sworn I sounded like a heard of elephants. I was expecting someone to see if I was okay, but I was left to pick myself up. The floor was VERY cold!
This morning there were no visible bruises, but we'll see.
P.S. This post is dedicated to my friend S, who gets endless pleasure out of seeing me fall on my ass!
It was M, not so interesting. We had actually talked briefly earlier that night and he said he would call me back in an hour, he forgot and for some reason though that instead of calling the next day and apologizing, he would call at 11:45.
Doesn't he know I'm old?
So of course now that I'm woken up I have to use the bathroom, so I struggle out of bed and head towards it. J is in my (our) bathroom brushing his teeth, so I keep on going to the bottom floor, there are two steps to go and all of a sudden I'm on the kitchen floor.
I had missed the last two steps and fell straight down into a pile of fleece bathrobe and limbs. Because I was still half asleep I'm still not quite sure what happened, and then I finally comprehend that I'm on the kitchen floor because I FELL DOWN THE STAIRS!
I look around, because for some reason I feel like P and Legs witnessed my acrobatic manouver, but the whole area is dark so I stumble into the bathroom.
This whole time I'm still on the phone with M. He's still talking. He has talked through my tumble and has continued.
All of sudden he stops. "What are you doing? Did you stub your toe?"
"Umm something like that?"
If me falling down the stairs literally into a heap at the foot of them sounds like someone stubbing their toe, than I must be a more graceful klutz than I thought I was. I could have sworn I sounded like a heard of elephants. I was expecting someone to see if I was okay, but I was left to pick myself up. The floor was VERY cold!
This morning there were no visible bruises, but we'll see.
P.S. This post is dedicated to my friend S, who gets endless pleasure out of seeing me fall on my ass!
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Seriously?
I'm just minding my own business, mooching off my parents for a few days, enjoying the last two days of my mourning period in isolation and out of the blue, I get a text message.
I tend to go into incommunicado mode when I'm visiting my parents. I revert into an 11 year old. I trail them around, Mom can I get this? Dad said I could! and so on and so forth. I never bring my cell phone, my bag, my wallet or money when I'm out with them.
We were out bulk shopping, one of my favorite activities and when I got home I casually glanced at my phone and noticed I had a message. Not expecting anything exciting, probably just a morose text from the ultra-depressed J, imagine my surprise to see the name D under the text message.
"You HAVE to be kidding me!"
My mom looks at me, her mom radar all a-flutter. I haven't heard from D since our moving texted goodbye in August. He was moving to Florida, he had bought a condo, (of which he kept showing me pictures even though I had already seen them all) and was taking a position at a St. Pete's hospital.
I basically figured I would never talk to him again. It had definitely fizzled out.
"How are you?" He inquired.
Two hours later I wrote back, "I am well, How are you?"
"Good. Guess what?"
"What?"
"I'm living in Boston again." My jaw literally drops. I have mixed feelings. My first is, "Oh good a distraction", my second is, "Oh damn, He's such a flake, this will probably be too frustrating."
We exchange a few more texts ending with my saying "We should catch up sometime" which is met with silence.
Let the frustration begin!
Then on Tuesday, (this all happened on Saturday.) I got a text from him saying "We should hang out some time!"
I'm pretty sure I had already suggested this, but I wrote back "Yah definitely, give me a call sometime."
We'll see how that goes.
This weekend is J's B-day weekend, maybe it will produce some interesting stories to jump start me back into blogging. Our screaming match in his car last night is not something I really want to relive right now.
I'll just say, he's such a fucking drama queen!
I tend to go into incommunicado mode when I'm visiting my parents. I revert into an 11 year old. I trail them around, Mom can I get this? Dad said I could! and so on and so forth. I never bring my cell phone, my bag, my wallet or money when I'm out with them.
We were out bulk shopping, one of my favorite activities and when I got home I casually glanced at my phone and noticed I had a message. Not expecting anything exciting, probably just a morose text from the ultra-depressed J, imagine my surprise to see the name D under the text message.
"You HAVE to be kidding me!"
My mom looks at me, her mom radar all a-flutter. I haven't heard from D since our moving texted goodbye in August. He was moving to Florida, he had bought a condo, (of which he kept showing me pictures even though I had already seen them all) and was taking a position at a St. Pete's hospital.
I basically figured I would never talk to him again. It had definitely fizzled out.
"How are you?" He inquired.
Two hours later I wrote back, "I am well, How are you?"
"Good. Guess what?"
"What?"
"I'm living in Boston again." My jaw literally drops. I have mixed feelings. My first is, "Oh good a distraction", my second is, "Oh damn, He's such a flake, this will probably be too frustrating."
We exchange a few more texts ending with my saying "We should catch up sometime" which is met with silence.
Let the frustration begin!
Then on Tuesday, (this all happened on Saturday.) I got a text from him saying "We should hang out some time!"
I'm pretty sure I had already suggested this, but I wrote back "Yah definitely, give me a call sometime."
We'll see how that goes.
This weekend is J's B-day weekend, maybe it will produce some interesting stories to jump start me back into blogging. Our screaming match in his car last night is not something I really want to relive right now.
I'll just say, he's such a fucking drama queen!
Friday, January 05, 2007
Mourning Period
I have allowed myself a brief mourning period to get over the loss of the holiday season and subsequently my return from San Diego.
I am mourning San Diego and the perfect time spent with G more so than the holiday, but I am only giving myself through the weekend, because I bring this all upon myself.
Monday is the "snap-out-of-it" day. The day I start eating right again, going to the gym and accepting the way my life is.
Right now I'm still stuffing anything I can get my hands on down my throat, lamenting the fact that I miss G and his cozy apartment and huge T.V., cursing the day I ever moved away from San Diego, and hating everyone I see in this god-forsaken area of the world.
Just the weekend and I'm done. I promise.
I am mourning San Diego and the perfect time spent with G more so than the holiday, but I am only giving myself through the weekend, because I bring this all upon myself.
Monday is the "snap-out-of-it" day. The day I start eating right again, going to the gym and accepting the way my life is.
Right now I'm still stuffing anything I can get my hands on down my throat, lamenting the fact that I miss G and his cozy apartment and huge T.V., cursing the day I ever moved away from San Diego, and hating everyone I see in this god-forsaken area of the world.
Just the weekend and I'm done. I promise.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)