Panic Mode?

I want to move.

Well I don't WANT to move, but I'm not sure I want to stay where I am. My lease is up in May, and if I renew, I will still be there when I turn 30. For some reason that just strikes me, very hard, in the chest. I don't know why it takes my breath away. 30...sharing an apartment with virtual strangers....in and area I like, but is more suited for college students.... did I say 30?

I don't want to start panic mode, but recently its been creeping up on me. Where am I going? I'm more concerned with getting my life on track and being happy with my situation. Even my job is starting to give me doubts. I fear I'm almost too old for it, if that makes sense. When I interviewed I said I would start at entry level, now I'm wondering what I was thinking. I have my Master's for goodness sake! The girls are all younger than me and I'm sure they're wondering what the Hell I'm doing. I wish I knew. I like my job and I don't dread coming to work like I used to, but I'm afraid of not living up to my potential.

Its been pretty lonely lately too. Its not that I want/need a boyfriend or relationship or whatnot, I just want someone to hang out with, to do stuff with, and just be there for me. Sometimes I relish my solitude and others I go mad. Sunday was a good example. I was supposed to visit S and see the baby, but the snow foiled my plans. (I have an irrational fear of driving in the snow) so there I was at 10 in the morning with nothing to do. I was petrified. How to fill the time? I was climbing the walls by four after grocery shopping, reading 3 magazines, a bit of my book, making a pot of soup and a casserole and watching uncountable episodes of America's Next Top Model. I made it through the day, but the rest of the week hasn't been much better.

I don't even think of marriage, I don't get panicky out of the lack of possibility of that in my life. I've never been the kind of girl to dream of her wedding. Sure I've talked about it, mostly to torment my mother with comments such as: I'm thinking barefoot or I don't think I want to get married in a church. Stuff like that. I'm not even sure if marriage would be the ultimate goal for me. I would like to meet someone that I could spend my life with and maybe have children, but I don't size up men as possible marriage material.

I just keep thinking that there has to be more to my life than this, but maybe I'm wrong? Maybe I'm destined to live a mundane life.

With the moving thing, I want to live IN the city. I just don't think I can afford it. Ever since I was young and my parent took me on my first walking tour of the nicest part of the city, I've wanted to live there. I littered my cork board with postcards of the area. I just don't think I can afford to live there. (Of course that's where charmed D lives.)

I guess I have to decide if I'm willing to shell out for where I want to be, or if I want to stay where I am for less money and always be a little dissatisfied.

I really have to take the next couple of months and figure out what I want to do and where I want to be. Life is so short and I try not to think about that fact because every time I get a little short of breath. I know its a little early to start panicking, but I just feel like I'm always waiting for something to happen, and nothing is. I've pretty much accepted that I'm going to be alone, but I don't want to be a lone and unhappy with where I am. I need to control what I can and get out of this perma-rut in which I seem to live.

Sigh... I'm a mixed up girl right now.

Who's Stalking Whom?

In a small attempt to save money, I rarely buy lunch at work. I bring stuff from home and eat at my desk with my latest novel, so as not to be tempted to get a better lunch. Seeing that I've been obsessed with English muffins with peanut butter and banana this week, it would not be hard thing to be distracted.

Work has been a little mundane, so when Co-Worker mentioned she was heading to the Au Bon Pain at the Main Site, I decided to tag along. Shake it up a little! I know I'm so crazy.

We walk to the Main Site and of course I had to change into my commuting Uggs, or my feet would have been bloody stumps of frozen flesh by the time we got there. In other words, I was frumpy.

Now I have been to this particular ABP two whole times in the seven months since starting at my job. I know ONE person who works at the place and of course, who do I see as soon as I walk in. Yup! That familiar spiky head and that body in scrubs, yum! Yah I'm still in possession of my full-fledged Dr. fetish.

My heart starts racing and my face gets hot. I don't like seeing him in real life! I don't know how to act. I can't NOT go up to him, so I turn to Co-worker.

"That's D. I guess I should go say hi."

So I walk over, and his back is to me and I lean in and say, "Are you stalking me?" Um yes, I'm serious. I did say that. Why? Because I'm a social idiot.

He turns and after the flicker of surprise smiles and says hi. Then his phone rings. He answers it and busy myself getting my salad. I'm still nervous and pretty much walking around like an idiot and getting in peoples way. He gets off the phone.

"Hey how are you? I was thinking about you yesterday."

"You were? Why?" I'm so witty.

"I was just wondering how you were. Did you walk here?"

"Yes." Still a great conversationalist. His phone rings again, he answers it, I grab a drink and get in line. Co-Worker is behind me and I check out. He gets in line behind her, so all I manage is a "Bye" when I pass him.

Then of course I beat myself up over this encounter through lunch until I can't take it anymore and text him.

"Sorry if that was weird. I never know if I should bother you!"

He writes back quickly, "Why weird? We're friends, of course you should say hi."

We text a little bit, then I make some comment about my weakness for his butt in his scrubs and it kinda takes off from there.

We ended up hanging out last night and I brought up how its weird for me to see him in real life, it throws me off. He just said I was silly and I shouldn't ignore him in public. I know I'm silly, but when you're used to unpredictable male reactions, you can never be sure of where you stand and what you should think and how you should act. Its frustrating.

He unnerves me in public, at his place I'm fine.

Last night was fun though, well its always fun. I'm not sure when I'll see him again, he's heading to a Central American country to perform 45 pro-bono cleft palate surgery's.

C'mon? Seriously? How can you not like him?

Dainty

My living situation is... well.. okay. That's about how much I can give it. I like my room and the location, but that's about it.

I can tolerate my roommates, but lately I've been avoiding the common areas.

On roommate is a hermit and communicates by notes and emails and the other one is nice enough, but a "one upper".

If I'm making dinner, he has made something so much better using the same ingredients. If i fell down the stairs he did a full front flip down them. You get my drift.

Then there was this gem.

His chopsticks broke in the dishwasher and I had placed them on the counter so he would see them. He saw them and I told him what happened.

"Oh yah they broke in the dishwasher, I just wanted to make sure you saw them."

"Oh no problem. I'll just kick your ass later!" He laughed, I laughed, I knew he was joking.

"Don't worry I'm a tough bitch!"

He deadpans me, "For some reason I don't doubt that!" and smiles condescendingly.

I'm slightly taken aback. "You mean you don't think I'm dainty and feminine!" I'm trying to joke, but still I've chased the cloud of being a sturdy, athletic girl all my life.

He just laughs and mimics me in a whiny voice.

"Its not my fault I was brought up between two boys and have been competitive all my life!" I exclaim and then I stop and think. What am I doing? Why am I making excuses?

I'm not dainty, but I sure as hell am feminine. I don't think anyone would mistake my body for a boys, but I am sturdy. It comes with being independent and able to take care of yourself. I'm the one who lifts things for me and shovels out my car. I'm the one who carries all my groceries or bags. I'm the one who fixes anything of mine that needs fixing.

Its me. I do it all. I have to and if that makes me "un-feminine" so be it. I never been a whiny, simpering, helpless girl.

It probably stems from our trip together to Target (heaven) when after we checked out I gathered up all my bags and half of his out of habit, prompting him to exclaim, "Kate! You're making me look bad."

It could also be because he's probably 130 lbs soaking wet, wears the dark frame glasses trying to look hip and trendy, but in reality has probably been either turned down or tormented by girls like me his whole life.

And yah, I could totally kick his ass.

I Thought Stuff Like This Only Happened In Chick Lit

I've been in a pretty consistant hibernation mode lately, so when my lil' bro told me that he, his girl friend, (whom I love) and a bunch of his friends were going out Friday, I though it imperative to my social life to go with them. I was excited and daunted at the same time.

It literally took me thirty minutes to decide what I was going to wear and eventually settled on the one and only cute shirt that I own. I wore it to C's birthday dinner, my reunion, a fancy dinner and now to the first time I've been out on the town in over a month, well first time out with advanced warning, the others found me in jeans and Uggs. Very attractive.

I had hoped to set up some late-night action with D, seeing we had been trying to get together for a few days, but he wasn't feeling well. He said maybe the next day or Sunday. Whatever, I just wanted to have a good time for once.

Of course, we were going to a bar/club where I wasn't sure if they even let people my age in, but I was taking a risk. The walk was a little rough, 10 minutes tramping along after two boys while in my highest, pointiest boots? Tough... Oh did I mention that Boston has a thing for cobble stones? Yah, they do. It was a miracle upon miracles that I did not break my ankle in half. We made it to the club, no line thank God and walked in. I glanced around the club, it was pretty empty seeing as it was still early. Something very familiar caught my eye. A very familiar spiky head.

"Oh my God!" I reached out and grabbed my brother's gf L's arm.

"What!?" She saw the panicked look on my face.

"D's here! and he's on a date!" I glanced at the couple sitting far apart at the center table. I saw him get up and walk to the bar. She was cute enough, but generic. Nothing stood out. I doubt I could pick her out of a line up. She looked over at us, but probably because we all just walked in. Maybe my wild eyes were apparent. We were checking our coats and I contemplated what to do.

"Should I go up to him?" I asked L. "Not to be crazy, but to warn him that I'm here. I don't want him to see me and freak because he doesn't know if I saw him or not?" I can tell L is as unsure as I am.

I decide I have to do something and he's still at the bar, so I only have limited time. At least I know I look cute. I walk over and fit into the place near him at the bar, I lean over slowly and talk into his ear.

"I just wanted to give you a heads up that I'm here. I don't want it to be weird."

He turns and his eyes widen just a bit. "Hey!?"

"I just wanted to let you know that I was here, I don't want to make it weird, I didn't know what to to." It all kinda tumbled out.


"You're making it weird."

"I am!?"

"No." He reaches out and pulls me into a hug. Then looks at me quizzically. "Your hair looks good."

"Okay, now you're making it weird!" I exclaim.

"I am?"

I sigh. "Have fun!" and I turn and rejoin my group.

He returns to the table. I can't help but look and his back is to me. L stares too, until my brother tells her it obvious. "I just want to see his face!" she exclaimed.

"He has a big head." I explain. I don't know why. He does though. Literally not figuratively. Its pretty large.

I was a little rattled, my face was on fire and I was a little shaky. I hate confrontation, and c'mon, I DO like the guy. I wouldn't be sleeping with him if I didn't.

I looked at them a little. She kept looking at her phone and didn't touch her drink. He kept looking around. They may have exchanged a few words, but I couldn't be sure. Then she gets up, puts her jacket on and leaves with her coat. He's left alone. I see him on his phone.

All of a sudden my butt vibrates. (My phone being in my back pocket) I have a text.

"I'm sorry! Was that awkward for you? xo D"

I'm a little taken aback. So I just write, "No! I just wanted to give you heads up!"

I get my red bull and vodka. (My first ever, and let me tell you, probably my last) and start to enjoy myself away from him. Screw him. He has no idea how fun I can be.

My pants vibrate again. This time I have three messages. One from C, saying she is on her way, and two from D.

"Good, btw you look great. She's my fiance. :) jk New friend. Sorry for lying, Truly. Don't really like her anyway. She's boring. Her 23, me 35."

The next. "Muah! XO"

My first thought is "why bother" my next is that he obviously doesn't want to burn any bridges. Do I really think he's telling the truth about her? Who knows? I guess in a way I do, because why would he bother texting me that. It was weird all around.

She was still out side. It had to have been at least 15 minutes by this point. I see him look bored get up and make his way to the bathroom, he leaves her drink and her bag there. I laughed a little bit. She comes back looking confused. He returns from the bathroom and the leave. I was relieved. Hopefully I could enjoy myself.

And I did. My brother's group of friends are fun, I know most of them. I saw two friends from High School that I still socialize from time to time with, so that was fun. Three fights almost happened, one because a guy almost walked into me and my lil bro took offence, which was really cute actually, little does he know that I can take care of myself. The night ended and we all went home.

I thought I was okay with all of it. My head was fine by my body betrayed me. I slept fitfully, plagued by irrational thoughts like, "I'm already getting thrown over for younger women" and "he's embarrassed to be seen with me in public." My stomach was in knots. At 7:50 AM my phone buzzes.

Seriously? 7:50 AM on a Saturday?

"I'm sorry again for lying to you. Really didn't know how or if I should tell you I was having dinner with someone. Weird. I hope you forgive me."

I sighed and rolled over, trying to squeeze in more sleep.

I wrote him back at 10. Saying I forgave him, I didn't care enough to be mad. I just didn't see a point to lying.

He said he almost texted me back to tell me he lied. He didn't want to assume that it would matter that he was going out with someone. He didn't want to hurt me. Blah blah blah. I told him he looked bored and it was lame how she left him sitting there for 20 minutes. He agreed that he was bored. That this was the third time out with her and the kissed, but there was no fire, she didn't inspire him. She's cute and nice though, and he thinks she got points for being 23.

I didn't know what to think. He wanted to maybe get together that night after the game. I told him I would let him know if I ventured out in his direction, but I stayed in Porter's square so we didn't meet up.

I was tired of messaging him and getting rejected, so I knew I was going to let it go. Sunday was a slow boring day, the sadness was in the pit of my stomach. I knew it wasn't just from him. It was a combination of hormones and loneliness. I missed G and had raging PMS. I tried to keep the irrational thoughts at bay, but the hormones were persistant. Let it be known that during the 4 or 5 days leading up to that special time, I am a freak and people close to me know this and can recognize the freak Kate from the normal Kate. Anyway, I'm getting off topic. I guess my point was this was probably the worst time for something like this to happen.

To counteract this, I dragged myself from the gym. When I was done I had two messages from him. We texted for the better part of 3 hours before he went off to meet friends. We made the usually tentative plans to hang out.

I heard from him briefly on Monday and figured because I didn't hear from him all day we probably weren't going to hang out, so I got home put on my sweats and started dinner. Of course that's when he texts.

I wanted to go, so I did. We ate, we talked, we always get along well. I just can't take him seriously anymore, but then I wonder if I ever did? Obviously we have chemistry, maybe even that "fire" that he didn't have with the other girl, but I don't know much else.

I honestly, at this point in time, have no idea where this will go from here. If I should keep it up or just cut it loose.

Its not my fault he's afraid to get old and afraid of relationships.

So that's where I am. Whew! Its been awhile. I feel like I unleashed a lot and probably in a very discombobulated way, but if feels good to get it out.

I'm just so very behind on work now!

I'm Back, or At Least I'm Posting Something

Holiday's were good, work is crazy.

I've put in a ton of overtime in the past three weeks and by the time I get home I don't want to look at a computer. Work and sleep as been the main staples of my life lately, so I don't have too much to report.

Right now I'm off to bowl.