Just a Typical Wednesday

If you were to walk by my desk/cube right now you would see me trying to fix my french manicure with white-out, my right hand still faintly tinged blue from yesterday's mishap with my ink bottle, while nursing a GIGANTIC paper cut on my left index finger.

All in all its a pretty good day.

Oh did I also mention because I was overheated on the T this morning I took off my red pea coat and folded it over my arm, only to find that my new cream cable knit sweater had shed all over it. It looked like I let a litter of angora kittens sleep on it last night. The sweater isn't even fuzzy! No matter how hard i try to look professional, I always manage to sport a slight disheveled look. The uncontrollable wrinkles, the fuzz, the wind blown hair. I'm a mess.

And yes, I did get white-out all over my keyboard and fingers, and no, the manicure looks no better.

Sigh....

Throw Back Weekend

Thanksgiving weekend has always been a strange weekend. Wednesday night always has served as an unofficial high school reunion. Its fun, but has always been bizarre.

There was my first kiss on Thanksgiving Eve, then the subsequent staking by my "first kiss" the same night only five years later, another found SR and I in line for the bathroom at the only bar in our home town being berated by a former classmate for not telling her she was fat in high school. We weren't quite sure how to respond. I mean what do you say? I thought you knew?

I mean I could say the same thing back. Why didn't you tell me that wearing old sweaters found in my dad's closet wasn't cool and that wearing my sport's team warm up suit more than once a week was a no no. (Yes I was a jock.) I had to wait for freshman year at college for the wake-up call. Then I knew no brown shoes with a predominately black outfit, not boots with short sleeve T-shirts and jockey undies were not sexy. Although I think that last one could have gone without the constant mocking. Thanks S!

Oh if only I had taken advantage of my high school body. Sigh.

So tonight might be uneventful and it might be, no one can ever be sure. Oh did I mention the Thanksgiving Eve when a friend licked the whole side of my face, chin to temple. There's photographic evidence. Most likely me screaming EEEWWWW and him laughing hysterically.

Tonight will be interesting. There is a slight rift between friends and awkwardness abounds, but whatever, I just want to have fun, get tipsy enough so as not to ruin tomorrow's food fest and hang with friends.

Saturday is the official class reunion. It has been ten years. I don't really like to say that, its pretty unfathomable, but now I have proof in the form of a party. I don't know what to expect but it should be interesting. I'm pretty much still friends with all the people I hung out with, its a phenomenon of my town. Friends for life. In fact most of my close friends I've known since before Kindergarten. Especially SR, since we've known each other since before we were born. Her mom substituted for my mom when she went on maternity leave with me.

Needless to say, I'm sure I will be ready to get back to my real life come Sunday.

Giving Thanks

I need an attitude adjustment or a good ol' fashion kick in the ass and I know it.

Everyone else knows it too.

I've been a right old miserable bitch lately and I'm not quite sure how to snap out of it, but at least I'm AWARE. That's the first step right?

Then I look out my window and its snowing. I find my face softening and smiling without being conscious. The feeling is strange, it hasn't happened much in the past couple of weeks.

Hopefully that will be the bitch slap that i need to stop feeling sorry for myself, which is pathetically exactly what I've been doing. I'm not proud of it, but it happens. I'm willing to bet it happens to everyone once in a while.

Its still slow. I feel like the kid that acts up in class because he finishes his work and is not being challenged. I'm sure work will pick up, but every now and then I wonder if I made the right choice. (Counterproductive I know.) Like I said, its not like I'm not aware.

Sometimes, being aware of how you are acting is almost worse. Then you loathe yourself more for being a selfish little brat with your feelings and that's exactly what I've been lately, a spoiled, selfish brat with no one to play with.

I'm snapping out of it today! Thanksgiving is here, albeit early, but still on its way, holiday season is abound. Pretty red holiday cups with fun blue holders are all around, I'm obsessed with Starbucks holiday cups, they're so Festive!

So I'm making myself think positive and focus on what is good in my life:

My nephew is home and healthy and getting fatter by the day. Gains weight like his father's side of the family! Cute when you're 6 weeks old, not so much when you're a 28 year old woman.

I have a steady, non-stressful job.

I have a cozy apartment.

I have great, although busy, friends.

I made up, I think, with my best friend. Its still a little awkward, but its a start.

I have nothing to be down, cranky or upset about. I will not let my hormones get the best of me and I will not get annoyed when I have nothing to do at night.

I will grow up!

Sometimes I sit there and I do feel sorry for myself and then I realize, its better being alone and not having to please anyone. I can wear my fleece pants and hooded sweatshirt, laughing stupidly out loud while watching The Office on my dvr while eating mac n' cheese and pizza rolls and chugging a huge glass of Chianti.

Ummm that is all hypothetical and in now way was that my Monday night.

But seriously, fleece pants? BEST THING EVER.

Disclaimer: This was more therapeutic for me, rather than to entertain. :-)

Writing to Write

Work is slow, I want to write, but I've got nothing.

At all.

To emphasize my point, I will let you know that I fell asleep at 9:30 last night, I awoke briefly at 1:30 to shut off the light, blow out my candle (yah fire hazard) and take off my clothes. I slept strait through until 7.

I mean everything is fine. Its just rolling right along, but very mundanely so. I do like my alone time, but there are certain times when I'm much better off if I'm distracted. My life seems to work in ebbs and flows. Right now, I'm in a serious Ebb, a month ago, I couldn't have stopped the flow with the Hover Dam. I'm thinking I prefer the flows.

I'm sure all will pick up with the fast approaching Holiday Season. I'm sure I'm the only one who is delighted that Christmas starts appearing so early. I love it! All of it!

I have talked to (texted) D. We exchanged a little yesterday, I can't get a feeling or a vibe from it. I just hope it goes back to normal. What I have with him (good sex) is something I'm not really ready to lose yet. Especially since I feel like I'm a complete disaster in relationships, so what I have with D is perfect.

I honestly do not ever see myself in a relationship. Maybe its because I've never had a normal one, I don't even know how to picture it. It just seems like some intangible concept. I know they exist, I see them around me and how they make people happy or can completely destroy them; however, I don't see me in one or happening to me.

Its a little scary, I suppose.

I'm okay on my own, but sometimes you wish you had someone with you so you're not the only one who sees how many idiots there are in this world.

Note to Self

Food before Vodka. Always.

If not, weird fights happen that you are foggy about the next day. You have that "what just happened here?" feeling. You CRAVE juice. Its strange.

Big shocker, D is "emotionally unavailable." If there is a more idiotic, cop-out term, I'd be surprised. Here's the thing though. I know that. I've know that always. Its not hard to see. Where this fight came from is beyond me. It isn't' even a fight, it was more a battle of defense mechanisms: his withdrawal and shunning of anything he deems intimate and me being sarcastic and making inappropriate jokes.

Just a tip: When he won't kiss you because its too intimate, don't say: "What is this? Pretty Woman?" and laugh. At him.

Here's the deal D. I've never asked more from you or of you. I know you have nothing more to give than what you already are giving. Maybe I have been more antagonistic than usual, but I don't know why? I didn't think I was until you pointed it out. Obviously if you were emotionally available we would have progressed beyond where we are.

I'm fine with all of it, even in my Vodka fueled haze. I like what we have. All along people have asked me, "Why are you two not dating?" and my response has been, "He's not available." I've always known, whether it be physically or emotionally. You've never been there, I've know this, accepted it and decided to take this relationship for what it is.

I'm horrible at expressing myself, and when I get into discussion about feelings and emotional availability I dig a deep hole that I don't know how to get out of. I say things I don't mean and I get trapped and spiral downward. That's what happened last night. Why couldn't I just say, "I don't NEED you to be emotionally available!"

He says he'd always be honest with me. Sometimes I find honesty overrated. Is that bad?

To be honest, I don't know how emotionally available I am at this moment. Of course its easier to be closed off. Maybe I'm shutting down too soon, but I have hopes before and things just don't pan out for me, and that's fine. Sometimes happiness just doesn't happen for people. They have to make their own and work at it and its exhausting.

So today, I'm deeply embarrassed, afraid that I have ruined something that was a pretty good situation, and effing hung over.