My Biggest Flaw

As much as I hate this word, there is no way else to state this: I'm shy.

There! I said it. Its not the best descriptive word there is, but its serves the purpose. I'm feeling it the most now that I've been here a month at my new/semi-new job and I have no new friends.

I'm starting to feel a little pathetic.

The majority of my friends I have known since elementary school and they're great friends and because I've had that base for as lone as I can remember its almost like I have evolved without the mechanism to make friends. I have two close friends from college, one was forced to live with me freshman year, but I'm pretty sure for the first month she though I was mute, and the second, my roommate forges the friendship and I surfed along on her coat tails. I have one friend from my time in San Diego, but she was my roommates friend first and she sort of adopted me (possibly out of pity) when that roommate moved back to Boston. Well I have another friend for San Diego, but the fact that we hooked up first and evolved as friends doesn't really count as "friend-making."

This inability really bothers me, especially when I see people who do it so effortlessly. They just have mountains of friends, their phones chime endlessly and they're never without plans, juggling several at once.

I've never been that way and I haven't felt this inadequate since my first year in college. Lucky for me fate placed S in my life, or I would have been a complete loser.

I'm friendly, I'm nice its just seems that people don't want to be my friend. I'm an introvert, I know this and I'm comfortable with this. I'm also loyal, smart, witty and funny, but you're not going to see my trying to be the life of the party or the center of attention. In groups I don't need to hear my voice, I'm perfectly content to just listen, but for some reason that never seems to be acceptable. One of my all time favorite quotes:

"If you want to know what an extrovert is thinking, just listen. If you want to know what an introvert is thinking, just ask."

If you don't talk, people think you're weird, or snobby. I know this, and while I am content to just sit and listen, I know that they are viewing me strangely so I'll sit and wage a mini-war in my head. I'll try to come up with something to say, something to contribute, but because I'm not one to struggle to have my voice heard, its just awkward.

I suppose I've given up, I don't think the girls I sit with like me much, and frankly they scare me, since they rip into everyone once they leave our area. I don't know if I could trust them.

I would want friends at work, but I guess they're not necessary. I just don't have the knack for it I suppose.

I know who I am and I do accept it. For some reason since starting this job, I have started to doubt myself and even dislike myself a little bit for not being able to make friends. Its never bothered me before, but this is the first job I've had with people close to my own age and I feel like I should have friends.

I'm sure this will pass eventually. I've always been hampered by what I feel I should do, but there really is no law about having friends at work. I'll just be the quiet new girl that no one likes.

I'm okay with that.

Little do they know that I'm quite popular in my own right, successful, fun, and hopefully, hopefully hopefully, having a rooftop dinner with a certain hot doctor this evening! (fingers crossed, I can't take many more early morning texts.) 6:45...grrrrr