Hi.....

It's me.

I haven't written in...what?...FIVE months and the funny thing is.... nothing has changed!

Well I mean some things have changed. I'm 30 now for one thing. I feel no different. I don't think I look different, but it's weird saying 30. At least I'm not alone, some of my closest friends are 30.

G has disappeared from my life without so much of an explanation. Good riddance to him. It's come to the point that I almost wish I had never met him. I hate to say that because I never want to regret anything, but sometimes (most of the time) I truly believe that my life would have been better without me knowing him. He has brought nothing positive into my life, except the knowledge that no matter how much you are there for someone, or care about someone, that will not prevent them from treating you like a big pile of garbage.

So I reiterate. Good riddance to him.

Other than that small hiccup my life is moving along and I am for the most part content. I mean of course there are moments when I wish I had someone to share a lot of things with, and then there are other moments when I'm not sure if I could be in a relationship. Most of the stories I hear are horror stories! Maybe I'm just listening to the wrong people and I don't want to be alone forever, but right now....I'm good.

I'm also fine with it because the thought of dating petrifies me! I can't even imagine sitting across from someone I barely know (or not know at all) and have to try and convince him that I am a great person and he should want to hang out with me and take me out and just like me. Why can't they just know that right away? It's exhausting to even think about, so I've just pushed it out of my mind. I guess when the time is right I'll know. Maybe.

All my friends have left me. They've flown off to do their residencies. I don't notice it so much right now because it's summer and I'm not around the city that much in the summer because it's too darn hot, but I'm sure once the fall comes I will miss them a lot. I guess that's the only reason I should try to date; so I can find someone to do stuff with.

In case you're wondering, D is still floating around. After ending it twice with me within a month, back in March or April? He came back. I guess we're both screwed up. I barely see him, but we talk a lot. I've always talked a good game, but sometimes I would rather just go home than see him. We've been in this silly situation for 2 years now. Everything gets old eventually.

So yah! Me....the same...yet different, but really the same. Sometimes I'm impressed by my stable consistency, but most of the time I'm distressed by my boredom. Sorry I would rather read than climb a mountain.

Let me know if you missed me! Even a little. A girls got to gather her compliments where she can.

Not Really Sure

I'm not really sure why I'm not writing. I've never been a great writer, but most of the time I've wanted to write, to get things off my chest and out of my head. Now I don't feel like putting anything down on paper. Nothing has been interesting me. It's not like I haven't been doing anything. I've actually been very busy, with plans most nights of the week, but they're just hanging out with friends.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just passing the time, but I don't know what I'm waiting for?

Everything is the same. Job, friends, apartment, relationships (or lack thereof) and I like the consistency, but I'm a bit bored too. The only think that is different is that I'm a brunette. That is new. It's different and I like it, but I will probably go back to being blond in the future.

D is still around, but I haven't seen him in person since before Christmas. That whole situation is boring me as well. I don't want anything more from him, but sometimes my thoughts get the best of me, like "why is he embarrassed by me?" but then I push those thoughts out. What's the point in thinking that way. I think I need to let it fade out.

My co-worker think I should join Match, but I honestly don't think I have the self-confidence for that kind of experience right now. I'm not very good at rejection. They want my other co-worker to do it too and I know I would put up a poor showing next to her, so I'm opting out.

I just feel in limbo. I wish I could move forward into becoming an adult, but I don't have the money to afford my own place. I seriously have the feeling that I will never meet someone. I'm not saying this in a morose depressive way; it's just a legitimate feeling. I don't know how to be in a relationship or share my life, so how will I ever feel comfortable enough to date?

It's a foreign concept to me at this time.

I guess I'm being all cliche and focusing on myself, but the bottom line is that sometimes I do get lonely, which is why I keep D around. For the crutch of possibility.

Anyway, my life right now is barely worth the bother of writing. I have nothing exciting or noteworthy.

Just another single girl muddling through life, ignoring the inevitable that she is getting older, even if she doesn't feel like she is.

It's pathetic really......

I Swear

I haven't abandoned ship yet.

I'm just.... how to put it lightly? Boring! I mean we've been over this time and time again...I have S.A.D. It's in full force lately. The temperatures have been inhumane here in lovely Boston and I haven't really wanted to do much of anything. So I haven't.

I do try to force myself to do stuff. I went to hot yoga last week with my brother's fiance. I can't say no when she asks, which is good. It forces me to get out and do something, but let me tell you... those toxins were being releases from me days after. I had a headache for two days following and I was sore in places I didn't know possible. It served me right for taking two seasons off!

Sunday I watched the complete 4th season of Lost. I know! Impressive right? Now I'm all set for tomorrow.

In a bit we (at work) get to go watch the inauguration. I'm excited. It's history that I get to be a part of. I have don't have the high hopes that some have. I'm more of a wait and see kinda girl, but any change is positive change.

Other than that, it's January. I've never been a huge fan of January and we have gotten more snow in the past month than I can remember. I can't really take much more, but I'm doing the best I can. At least I finally invested in some killer snow boots. Y'think after most of my life in this city I would have already, but I was trapped in stubborn denial.

Today is also two of my best friends 30th birthdays. It is also the day of their grandmother's wake. I feel terrible. I'm leaving early to go to the wake this evening.

They are the first in a string of 30th birthdays to come. I still haven't done anything amazing for my 30th year, not that I really planned to or want to, but doesn't it seem like I should? I've done nothing else leading up to my 30's. Oh well... we'll see.. it's not off the table.

I am planning to drive cross country in the summer. I guess I can make that in honor of my leaving my 20's behind. Maybe I won't come back. I'll just sell it all and stay at the Grand Canyon and open a kitschy tourist trap. I could wear cargo shorts and wife beater tank tops and a safari hat all the time and get tanned leathery skin and bleached blond hair and have a constant aura of dessert dry dust surrounding me.

Hmmmm... Sounds like me doesn't it?