Panic Mode?

I want to move.

Well I don't WANT to move, but I'm not sure I want to stay where I am. My lease is up in May, and if I renew, I will still be there when I turn 30. For some reason that just strikes me, very hard, in the chest. I don't know why it takes my breath away. 30...sharing an apartment with virtual strangers....in and area I like, but is more suited for college students.... did I say 30?

I don't want to start panic mode, but recently its been creeping up on me. Where am I going? I'm more concerned with getting my life on track and being happy with my situation. Even my job is starting to give me doubts. I fear I'm almost too old for it, if that makes sense. When I interviewed I said I would start at entry level, now I'm wondering what I was thinking. I have my Master's for goodness sake! The girls are all younger than me and I'm sure they're wondering what the Hell I'm doing. I wish I knew. I like my job and I don't dread coming to work like I used to, but I'm afraid of not living up to my potential.

Its been pretty lonely lately too. Its not that I want/need a boyfriend or relationship or whatnot, I just want someone to hang out with, to do stuff with, and just be there for me. Sometimes I relish my solitude and others I go mad. Sunday was a good example. I was supposed to visit S and see the baby, but the snow foiled my plans. (I have an irrational fear of driving in the snow) so there I was at 10 in the morning with nothing to do. I was petrified. How to fill the time? I was climbing the walls by four after grocery shopping, reading 3 magazines, a bit of my book, making a pot of soup and a casserole and watching uncountable episodes of America's Next Top Model. I made it through the day, but the rest of the week hasn't been much better.

I don't even think of marriage, I don't get panicky out of the lack of possibility of that in my life. I've never been the kind of girl to dream of her wedding. Sure I've talked about it, mostly to torment my mother with comments such as: I'm thinking barefoot or I don't think I want to get married in a church. Stuff like that. I'm not even sure if marriage would be the ultimate goal for me. I would like to meet someone that I could spend my life with and maybe have children, but I don't size up men as possible marriage material.

I just keep thinking that there has to be more to my life than this, but maybe I'm wrong? Maybe I'm destined to live a mundane life.

With the moving thing, I want to live IN the city. I just don't think I can afford it. Ever since I was young and my parent took me on my first walking tour of the nicest part of the city, I've wanted to live there. I littered my cork board with postcards of the area. I just don't think I can afford to live there. (Of course that's where charmed D lives.)

I guess I have to decide if I'm willing to shell out for where I want to be, or if I want to stay where I am for less money and always be a little dissatisfied.

I really have to take the next couple of months and figure out what I want to do and where I want to be. Life is so short and I try not to think about that fact because every time I get a little short of breath. I know its a little early to start panicking, but I just feel like I'm always waiting for something to happen, and nothing is. I've pretty much accepted that I'm going to be alone, but I don't want to be a lone and unhappy with where I am. I need to control what I can and get out of this perma-rut in which I seem to live.

Sigh... I'm a mixed up girl right now.