I've been in a pretty consistant hibernation mode lately, so when my lil' bro told me that he, his girl friend, (whom I love) and a bunch of his friends were going out Friday, I though it imperative to my social life to go with them. I was excited and daunted at the same time.
It literally took me thirty minutes to decide what I was going to wear and eventually settled on the one and only cute shirt that I own. I wore it to C's birthday dinner, my reunion, a fancy dinner and now to the first time I've been out on the town in over a month, well first time out with advanced warning, the others found me in jeans and Uggs. Very attractive.
I had hoped to set up some late-night action with D, seeing we had been trying to get together for a few days, but he wasn't feeling well. He said maybe the next day or Sunday. Whatever, I just wanted to have a good time for once.
Of course, we were going to a bar/club where I wasn't sure if they even let people my age in, but I was taking a risk. The walk was a little rough, 10 minutes tramping along after two boys while in my highest, pointiest boots? Tough... Oh did I mention that Boston has a thing for cobble stones? Yah, they do. It was a miracle upon miracles that I did not break my ankle in half. We made it to the club, no line thank God and walked in. I glanced around the club, it was pretty empty seeing as it was still early. Something very familiar caught my eye. A very familiar spiky head.
"Oh my God!" I reached out and grabbed my brother's gf L's arm.
"What!?" She saw the panicked look on my face.
"D's here! and he's on a date!" I glanced at the couple sitting far apart at the center table. I saw him get up and walk to the bar. She was cute enough, but generic. Nothing stood out. I doubt I could pick her out of a line up. She looked over at us, but probably because we all just walked in. Maybe my wild eyes were apparent. We were checking our coats and I contemplated what to do.
"Should I go up to him?" I asked L. "Not to be crazy, but to warn him that I'm here. I don't want him to see me and freak because he doesn't know if I saw him or not?" I can tell L is as unsure as I am.
I decide I have to do something and he's still at the bar, so I only have limited time. At least I know I look cute. I walk over and fit into the place near him at the bar, I lean over slowly and talk into his ear.
"I just wanted to give you a heads up that I'm here. I don't want it to be weird."
He turns and his eyes widen just a bit. "Hey!?"
"I just wanted to let you know that I was here, I don't want to make it weird, I didn't know what to to." It all kinda tumbled out.
"You're making it weird."
"I am!?"
"No." He reaches out and pulls me into a hug. Then looks at me quizzically. "Your hair looks good."
"Okay, now you're making it weird!" I exclaim.
"I am?"
I sigh. "Have fun!" and I turn and rejoin my group.
He returns to the table. I can't help but look and his back is to me. L stares too, until my brother tells her it obvious. "I just want to see his face!" she exclaimed.
"He has a big head." I explain. I don't know why. He does though. Literally not figuratively. Its pretty large.
I was a little rattled, my face was on fire and I was a little shaky. I hate confrontation, and c'mon, I DO like the guy. I wouldn't be sleeping with him if I didn't.
I looked at them a little. She kept looking at her phone and didn't touch her drink. He kept looking around. They may have exchanged a few words, but I couldn't be sure. Then she gets up, puts her jacket on and leaves with her coat. He's left alone. I see him on his phone.
All of a sudden my butt vibrates. (My phone being in my back pocket) I have a text.
"I'm sorry! Was that awkward for you? xo D"
I'm a little taken aback. So I just write, "No! I just wanted to give you heads up!"
I get my red bull and vodka. (My first ever, and let me tell you, probably my last) and start to enjoy myself away from him. Screw him. He has no idea how fun I can be.
My pants vibrate again. This time I have three messages. One from C, saying she is on her way, and two from D.
"Good, btw you look great. She's my fiance. :) jk New friend. Sorry for lying, Truly. Don't really like her anyway. She's boring. Her 23, me 35."
The next. "Muah! XO"
My first thought is "why bother" my next is that he obviously doesn't want to burn any bridges. Do I really think he's telling the truth about her? Who knows? I guess in a way I do, because why would he bother texting me that. It was weird all around.
She was still out side. It had to have been at least 15 minutes by this point. I see him look bored get up and make his way to the bathroom, he leaves her drink and her bag there. I laughed a little bit. She comes back looking confused. He returns from the bathroom and the leave. I was relieved. Hopefully I could enjoy myself.
And I did. My brother's group of friends are fun, I know most of them. I saw two friends from High School that I still socialize from time to time with, so that was fun. Three fights almost happened, one because a guy almost walked into me and my lil bro took offence, which was really cute actually, little does he know that I can take care of myself. The night ended and we all went home.
I thought I was okay with all of it. My head was fine by my body betrayed me. I slept fitfully, plagued by irrational thoughts like, "I'm already getting thrown over for younger women" and "he's embarrassed to be seen with me in public." My stomach was in knots. At 7:50 AM my phone buzzes.
Seriously? 7:50 AM on a Saturday?
"I'm sorry again for lying to you. Really didn't know how or if I should tell you I was having dinner with someone. Weird. I hope you forgive me."
I sighed and rolled over, trying to squeeze in more sleep.
I wrote him back at 10. Saying I forgave him, I didn't care enough to be mad. I just didn't see a point to lying.
He said he almost texted me back to tell me he lied. He didn't want to assume that it would matter that he was going out with someone. He didn't want to hurt me. Blah blah blah. I told him he looked bored and it was lame how she left him sitting there for 20 minutes. He agreed that he was bored. That this was the third time out with her and the kissed, but there was no fire, she didn't inspire him. She's cute and nice though, and he thinks she got points for being 23.
I didn't know what to think. He wanted to maybe get together that night after the game. I told him I would let him know if I ventured out in his direction, but I stayed in Porter's square so we didn't meet up.
I was tired of messaging him and getting rejected, so I knew I was going to let it go. Sunday was a slow boring day, the sadness was in the pit of my stomach. I knew it wasn't just from him. It was a combination of hormones and loneliness. I missed G and had raging PMS. I tried to keep the irrational thoughts at bay, but the hormones were persistant. Let it be known that during the 4 or 5 days leading up to that special time, I am a freak and people close to me know this and can recognize the freak Kate from the normal Kate. Anyway, I'm getting off topic. I guess my point was this was probably the worst time for something like this to happen.
To counteract this, I dragged myself from the gym. When I was done I had two messages from him. We texted for the better part of 3 hours before he went off to meet friends. We made the usually tentative plans to hang out.
I heard from him briefly on Monday and figured because I didn't hear from him all day we probably weren't going to hang out, so I got home put on my sweats and started dinner. Of course that's when he texts.
I wanted to go, so I did. We ate, we talked, we always get along well. I just can't take him seriously anymore, but then I wonder if I ever did? Obviously we have chemistry, maybe even that "fire" that he didn't have with the other girl, but I don't know much else.
I honestly, at this point in time, have no idea where this will go from here. If I should keep it up or just cut it loose.
Its not my fault he's afraid to get old and afraid of relationships.
So that's where I am. Whew! Its been awhile. I feel like I unleashed a lot and probably in a very discombobulated way, but if feels good to get it out.
I'm just so very behind on work now!
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