Cold

"I look at you and I see that you're a strong person. That's why I rely on you so much." J said to me the other night after I stopped him from talking incessantly about himself.

He's not right. I'm not strong. I'm good at pretending I'm strong.

He's referring to how I got over C. It wasn't magic or a testament to my strength it was a necessity and it was something that took time and effort, something that he really is not open to. He doesn't realize what it took for me or any person getting over a break-up, because he only talks about himself. I never talk about me, I don't like to drag my "feelings" out into the open and dissect them and examine them with friends or family. They are what they are and I am who I am.

In most ways I am a calm, rational, unemotional person. My Friend once told my my Native American name would be Stiff-As-A-Board. I'm not quite sure why that is. I've just always been guarded, stand-offish, unimpressed.

I don't like to be touched, I hate sharing a bed with someone I'm not having sex with, and I hate close talkers, never mind the double-threat, close talkers who touch you when they talk. Its not that I'm unfriendly, I'm very friendly and nice to a fault. I just have these barriers that I don't like people to cross.

While J talks at me all he likes, I draw the line at hugs, cuddling or any touching at all. I can't stand it. At firs he would insist on hugs and i would stand there all stiff armed, uncomfortable. Lucky for me a friend of his came back into his life who is affectionate and will hug him and sleep in his bed. (ick! that is just something I can't comprehend) so I've been spared the requests.

I remember looking at G while I was there, it was morning and he was trying to convince me to get out of bed to go get coffee, "This is the most human contact I have had in months." I confessed.

"Me too." We're the same in that way. We'll say goodnight and then roll to our respective sides of the bed, but I'm much more affectionate with him than anyone.

"I'm not like this back at home, you know."

He raises his eyebrows, doubting my words.

"Seriously, I'm not touchy at all. In fact, I can't stand it."

"Could have fooled me!" He chuckled.

I miss him.

I realized this last night laying in bed. I haven' t talked to him in two weeks due to his Japan trip. He's probably the best friend that I have right now. The one I feel most comfortable with. The one I can talk to about anything, vent to and not feel like I'm being judged. The one I can be vulnerable with and let down my guard with and know that he pretty much already knows all my faults and that I won't surprise him with anything. He knows my quirks, he knows me.

I have accepted our situation, but he has become one of those people who sticks in your life. He will always be there to talk to and even though it may not progress any further than it has, he will always be someone of great importance in my life.

He is also extremely generous, a fabulous gift giver and a free place to crash in San Diego.

Oh and I wouldn't kick him out of bed. Even us cold, unemotional people need a little human contact now and again.