Note to Self

Food before Vodka. Always.

If not, weird fights happen that you are foggy about the next day. You have that "what just happened here?" feeling. You CRAVE juice. Its strange.

Big shocker, D is "emotionally unavailable." If there is a more idiotic, cop-out term, I'd be surprised. Here's the thing though. I know that. I've know that always. Its not hard to see. Where this fight came from is beyond me. It isn't' even a fight, it was more a battle of defense mechanisms: his withdrawal and shunning of anything he deems intimate and me being sarcastic and making inappropriate jokes.

Just a tip: When he won't kiss you because its too intimate, don't say: "What is this? Pretty Woman?" and laugh. At him.

Here's the deal D. I've never asked more from you or of you. I know you have nothing more to give than what you already are giving. Maybe I have been more antagonistic than usual, but I don't know why? I didn't think I was until you pointed it out. Obviously if you were emotionally available we would have progressed beyond where we are.

I'm fine with all of it, even in my Vodka fueled haze. I like what we have. All along people have asked me, "Why are you two not dating?" and my response has been, "He's not available." I've always known, whether it be physically or emotionally. You've never been there, I've know this, accepted it and decided to take this relationship for what it is.

I'm horrible at expressing myself, and when I get into discussion about feelings and emotional availability I dig a deep hole that I don't know how to get out of. I say things I don't mean and I get trapped and spiral downward. That's what happened last night. Why couldn't I just say, "I don't NEED you to be emotionally available!"

He says he'd always be honest with me. Sometimes I find honesty overrated. Is that bad?

To be honest, I don't know how emotionally available I am at this moment. Of course its easier to be closed off. Maybe I'm shutting down too soon, but I have hopes before and things just don't pan out for me, and that's fine. Sometimes happiness just doesn't happen for people. They have to make their own and work at it and its exhausting.

So today, I'm deeply embarrassed, afraid that I have ruined something that was a pretty good situation, and effing hung over.