I haven't abandoned ship yet.
I'm just.... how to put it lightly? Boring! I mean we've been over this time and time again...I have S.A.D. It's in full force lately. The temperatures have been inhumane here in lovely Boston and I haven't really wanted to do much of anything. So I haven't.
I do try to force myself to do stuff. I went to hot yoga last week with my brother's fiance. I can't say no when she asks, which is good. It forces me to get out and do something, but let me tell you... those toxins were being releases from me days after. I had a headache for two days following and I was sore in places I didn't know possible. It served me right for taking two seasons off!
Sunday I watched the complete 4th season of Lost. I know! Impressive right? Now I'm all set for tomorrow.
In a bit we (at work) get to go watch the inauguration. I'm excited. It's history that I get to be a part of. I have don't have the high hopes that some have. I'm more of a wait and see kinda girl, but any change is positive change.
Other than that, it's January. I've never been a huge fan of January and we have gotten more snow in the past month than I can remember. I can't really take much more, but I'm doing the best I can. At least I finally invested in some killer snow boots. Y'think after most of my life in this city I would have already, but I was trapped in stubborn denial.
Today is also two of my best friends 30th birthdays. It is also the day of their grandmother's wake. I feel terrible. I'm leaving early to go to the wake this evening.
They are the first in a string of 30th birthdays to come. I still haven't done anything amazing for my 30th year, not that I really planned to or want to, but doesn't it seem like I should? I've done nothing else leading up to my 30's. Oh well... we'll see.. it's not off the table.
I am planning to drive cross country in the summer. I guess I can make that in honor of my leaving my 20's behind. Maybe I won't come back. I'll just sell it all and stay at the Grand Canyon and open a kitschy tourist trap. I could wear cargo shorts and wife beater tank tops and a safari hat all the time and get tanned leathery skin and bleached blond hair and have a constant aura of dessert dry dust surrounding me.
Hmmmm... Sounds like me doesn't it?
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
Looooong Day
Yesterday was long.
Not only did we have to go to work and get all of our tasks done, but we had to travel to another location, wear stupid ugly polyester jerseys and be friendly and out going and welcoming.
To me...that is exhausting.
It was also fun though and it really does reaffirm to me that I am working for a great cause and working at a great place with mostly great people.
The jerseys though? Ugh...I hope they don't make a repeat next year. The did nothing for me. I don't know how they expected me to catch a Boston Athlete in that get -up. Sigh, oh well, maybe next year.
The event honors all the sports teams in the area, so the Athlete spotting was the best part of the night, although it was a little lacking this year as opposed to last year when I got to take my picture with the Worlds Series trophies. Now that? That was amazing.
This year was still interesting, but instead of trying to spot Matt Cassel, (who was being honored) or Patrice Bergerone, I was on the look out for D. I didn't want to be caught unaware. I needed to look perky, friendly, busy and important all at the same time. I even considered stealing an ear piece that the events team was running around with, but refrained.
Unfortunately for me he strolled in at a later time when the business was dying down. He checked in at the line next to mine, (they were alphabetical), but he didn't see me so I called him name softly so as not to be auspicious, but to get his attention.
He hear and turned to see who it was calling him, and I can't help but to say his face almost lit up a little? I hesitate to say this, because I never think anyone is happy to see me, but it seemed like it, a little, but you know the lights were pretty bright. I don't remember what we said. I just said Hi and that it was nice to see him, but he was with colleagues, but he was sweet.
The girl I was partnered with asked me who he was. I was hesitant at first after this incident, but told her he was friend of mine that was a Dr. at the Hospital, but we had known each other since before I started working there. She was amazed he was a Doctor because she thought he looked young and that at first she thought he was one of the athletes.
I groaned inwardly. Like he needed that ego boost!
At the end I was seated at the checkout, but it wasn't busy. I saw him coming and he gave me a low hip level wave and I winked back and smiled. I thought that would be it, but he came over and jokingly asked where the men's room was so I pointed him in the direction of the ladies and teased him for not winning any auctions items.
So he did not ignore me. It was like we were actually friends. Go fig!
The night was long and I got home late and now I'm at work drooping. I finished all my work early, because I'm just that good and now I'm wishing I could go home and dreaming of what I can make for dinner. I'm thinking comfort food, but I'm at a loss for what to make.
All I know is I want my comfy clothes now because hibernating season is in full affect!
Not only did we have to go to work and get all of our tasks done, but we had to travel to another location, wear stupid ugly polyester jerseys and be friendly and out going and welcoming.
To me...that is exhausting.
It was also fun though and it really does reaffirm to me that I am working for a great cause and working at a great place with mostly great people.
The jerseys though? Ugh...I hope they don't make a repeat next year. The did nothing for me. I don't know how they expected me to catch a Boston Athlete in that get -up. Sigh, oh well, maybe next year.
The event honors all the sports teams in the area, so the Athlete spotting was the best part of the night, although it was a little lacking this year as opposed to last year when I got to take my picture with the Worlds Series trophies. Now that? That was amazing.
This year was still interesting, but instead of trying to spot Matt Cassel, (who was being honored) or Patrice Bergerone, I was on the look out for D. I didn't want to be caught unaware. I needed to look perky, friendly, busy and important all at the same time. I even considered stealing an ear piece that the events team was running around with, but refrained.
Unfortunately for me he strolled in at a later time when the business was dying down. He checked in at the line next to mine, (they were alphabetical), but he didn't see me so I called him name softly so as not to be auspicious, but to get his attention.
He hear and turned to see who it was calling him, and I can't help but to say his face almost lit up a little? I hesitate to say this, because I never think anyone is happy to see me, but it seemed like it, a little, but you know the lights were pretty bright. I don't remember what we said. I just said Hi and that it was nice to see him, but he was with colleagues, but he was sweet.
The girl I was partnered with asked me who he was. I was hesitant at first after this incident, but told her he was friend of mine that was a Dr. at the Hospital, but we had known each other since before I started working there. She was amazed he was a Doctor because she thought he looked young and that at first she thought he was one of the athletes.
I groaned inwardly. Like he needed that ego boost!
At the end I was seated at the checkout, but it wasn't busy. I saw him coming and he gave me a low hip level wave and I winked back and smiled. I thought that would be it, but he came over and jokingly asked where the men's room was so I pointed him in the direction of the ladies and teased him for not winning any auctions items.
So he did not ignore me. It was like we were actually friends. Go fig!
The night was long and I got home late and now I'm at work drooping. I finished all my work early, because I'm just that good and now I'm wishing I could go home and dreaming of what I can make for dinner. I'm thinking comfort food, but I'm at a loss for what to make.
All I know is I want my comfy clothes now because hibernating season is in full affect!
Monday, December 01, 2008
Oh Man....
It's December....
Why don't we just forget about November and my lack of attention to my little bloggie area shall we?
November was fun, frustrating and boring all at the same time. I was looking forward to a business trip to Charleston, SC that left me quite disappointed. The chance to travel was fun, it was just my travel companions that were lacking. I had high hopes, but the situation didn't allow for such hopes to be realized. That was in the middle of the month.
I made it through the Holiday weekend mostly unscathed. We'll call Saturday a "lost day". After hanging my head over the toilet for a while, my mom asked me what I had consumed and I said. "not much" but as I started the list, it kept going and ended with, "Oh yah...and there was that shot." Ugh...
I went out with people from home; people from high school. It made me want to get back to Boston, to live MY life. It was surreal being there, and most of my friends aren't exactly that nice. I think I was drinking to be comfortable. I vaguely remember talking to a girl i played sports with in high school and her looking at me confusedly, most likely because I wasn't making much sense.
The monster hangover did give me a GREAT excuse to get McD's!
So yah... It's December. I love December! I love Christmas season! Yay!
Nothing else really has happened. D has actually made the trek to my place. It was strange and I was a little thrown off by his wanting to go there, but nothing else has changed in that department.
I'm working at an event for my job tomorrow night and he will be a guest. Lovely eh? I'm the hired help and he will be in attendance at $1500 a head. Sigh... So embarrassing. I asked him flat out if he was going to ignore me. He said no, but we will see.
I still have a lot of free time at work, so I'm going to try to be more frequent in my posting. Haha, yes I know I've said that before, but I REALLY want to. I'll just write about stupid mundane stuff that no one except me really cares about. That's what a journal is all about right?
So until next time! Which will be soon!
Why don't we just forget about November and my lack of attention to my little bloggie area shall we?
November was fun, frustrating and boring all at the same time. I was looking forward to a business trip to Charleston, SC that left me quite disappointed. The chance to travel was fun, it was just my travel companions that were lacking. I had high hopes, but the situation didn't allow for such hopes to be realized. That was in the middle of the month.
I made it through the Holiday weekend mostly unscathed. We'll call Saturday a "lost day". After hanging my head over the toilet for a while, my mom asked me what I had consumed and I said. "not much" but as I started the list, it kept going and ended with, "Oh yah...and there was that shot." Ugh...
I went out with people from home; people from high school. It made me want to get back to Boston, to live MY life. It was surreal being there, and most of my friends aren't exactly that nice. I think I was drinking to be comfortable. I vaguely remember talking to a girl i played sports with in high school and her looking at me confusedly, most likely because I wasn't making much sense.
The monster hangover did give me a GREAT excuse to get McD's!
So yah... It's December. I love December! I love Christmas season! Yay!
Nothing else really has happened. D has actually made the trek to my place. It was strange and I was a little thrown off by his wanting to go there, but nothing else has changed in that department.
I'm working at an event for my job tomorrow night and he will be a guest. Lovely eh? I'm the hired help and he will be in attendance at $1500 a head. Sigh... So embarrassing. I asked him flat out if he was going to ignore me. He said no, but we will see.
I still have a lot of free time at work, so I'm going to try to be more frequent in my posting. Haha, yes I know I've said that before, but I REALLY want to. I'll just write about stupid mundane stuff that no one except me really cares about. That's what a journal is all about right?
So until next time! Which will be soon!
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
More Adventures in Blackberrying
Yesterday I took myself and my blackberry to our 2 o'clock appointment with the help desk. I had requested that my work email be placed on my personal blackberry. I'm still not sure why? I think the reason is because I can. That sounds pretty good.
I run down to the second floor and fly through the door to where the Help office is. Someone is there before me: Hot New Guy. (forevermore known as HNG.)
Now, HNG is quite the anomaly here at work for several reasons: he's hot and he's (as far as our research has shown us) strait. (Okay two reasons). This does not happen very often. In fact, in the year and a half that I have been working here it has NOT happened. HNG has been here for 3 weeks. Have I mentioned he's hot?
Anyway! So I ask him if he's waiting and he waves his work issued blackberry at me and says that he has a 2 o'clock to drop it off to be fixed. He introduces himself and holds out his hand, I reply and to my dismay take his hand, wishing that mere moments earlier I had takes the extra 5 seconds to dry my hand completely rather than letting the rest air dry. THEY WERE CLEAN THOUGH!
He makes small talk, I gauge his height. I'm thinking about 6'1" or 6'2". I came a little above his shoulder, but I was wearing my fuck-off heals, so those put me around 5'9, 5'9.5" so he was a bit taller still. He was cute with the small talk: how long have you been here? Where were you before? He grew up in a town that houses on of the locations of where I used to work. He confessed that he played the trumpet badly in high school and lamented about the fact that he was bad at typing on his blackberry.
We were out of the closed office for about 10 mins trying to debate whether or not we should knock. Another new colleague walked by and as HNG was talking to him, I shot off a quick Blackberry message to amuse my friends up stairs.
"I'm standing outside the office with Hot New Guy." I actually wrote hot new guy, not his actual name.
"Lucky!" came the response from upstairs.
Next thing I knew we decided to knock on the door. It opened and the help lady took our phones.
"Nice to meet you!" He said and took off.
I went back to my desk and declared how cute he was and the girl I had been messaging asked me if I got her message.
"Yes! It said 'Lucky' right?"
"No! The other one when I said "Are you just talking or making out?"
"Oh no! I never got that, it must have come in AFTER they took my phone!" After that we can't stop laughing. This is just going to add to our reputation here at work, but oh well! We got a good laugh out of it.
Besides, what's the worse that could happen? HNG could find out that I find him attractive? I'm sure it wouldn't be a surprise, he HAS to know he's cute.
We kept an eye on the message, but it was never read, and then the Help Lady, (who now needs a new name like "the fuck up lady" or the "completely useless Lady") completely wiped my blackberry.
Everything. Was. Gone. Messages, texts, pictures, emails, folders, setting, vanished.
It had taken me 2 hours to get everything to where I wanted it and in mere minutes she destroyed the whole thing. Needless to say I was agitated, but there was nothing I could do, but start from scratch.
It's up to snuff now.
Except I still don't have my work email on it. SIGH........
I run down to the second floor and fly through the door to where the Help office is. Someone is there before me: Hot New Guy. (forevermore known as HNG.)
Now, HNG is quite the anomaly here at work for several reasons: he's hot and he's (as far as our research has shown us) strait. (Okay two reasons). This does not happen very often. In fact, in the year and a half that I have been working here it has NOT happened. HNG has been here for 3 weeks. Have I mentioned he's hot?
Anyway! So I ask him if he's waiting and he waves his work issued blackberry at me and says that he has a 2 o'clock to drop it off to be fixed. He introduces himself and holds out his hand, I reply and to my dismay take his hand, wishing that mere moments earlier I had takes the extra 5 seconds to dry my hand completely rather than letting the rest air dry. THEY WERE CLEAN THOUGH!
He makes small talk, I gauge his height. I'm thinking about 6'1" or 6'2". I came a little above his shoulder, but I was wearing my fuck-off heals, so those put me around 5'9, 5'9.5" so he was a bit taller still. He was cute with the small talk: how long have you been here? Where were you before? He grew up in a town that houses on of the locations of where I used to work. He confessed that he played the trumpet badly in high school and lamented about the fact that he was bad at typing on his blackberry.
We were out of the closed office for about 10 mins trying to debate whether or not we should knock. Another new colleague walked by and as HNG was talking to him, I shot off a quick Blackberry message to amuse my friends up stairs.
"I'm standing outside the office with Hot New Guy." I actually wrote hot new guy, not his actual name.
"Lucky!" came the response from upstairs.
Next thing I knew we decided to knock on the door. It opened and the help lady took our phones.
"Nice to meet you!" He said and took off.
I went back to my desk and declared how cute he was and the girl I had been messaging asked me if I got her message.
"Yes! It said 'Lucky' right?"
"No! The other one when I said "Are you just talking or making out?"
"Oh no! I never got that, it must have come in AFTER they took my phone!" After that we can't stop laughing. This is just going to add to our reputation here at work, but oh well! We got a good laugh out of it.
Besides, what's the worse that could happen? HNG could find out that I find him attractive? I'm sure it wouldn't be a surprise, he HAS to know he's cute.
We kept an eye on the message, but it was never read, and then the Help Lady, (who now needs a new name like "the fuck up lady" or the "completely useless Lady") completely wiped my blackberry.
Everything. Was. Gone. Messages, texts, pictures, emails, folders, setting, vanished.
It had taken me 2 hours to get everything to where I wanted it and in mere minutes she destroyed the whole thing. Needless to say I was agitated, but there was nothing I could do, but start from scratch.
It's up to snuff now.
Except I still don't have my work email on it. SIGH........
Monday, October 27, 2008
New Toy
So I have a new toy that allows me to complete stunning acts such as this one:
"Hane I told you I love my blackberry!? :-) well I do! Fo sho! Haha... -I may also be a little tipsy...- only hope that adds to my charm!
Kate
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T" (copied and pasted)
Yes.... Lovely isn't it? It was also sent at 10:25 in the evening on Friday. I know you were probably thinking, maybe 1 or 2 in the morning. Nope, 10:25 is the new time for drunk emailing on your brand spanking new Blackberry.
Poor G. I really do feel bad for him, that he is my default for all my stupid behavior. Though that is probably better than sending that stuff to D. I had already made a fool out of myself enough with him that day.
Gosh...Someday I'll be normal, but then would that even be fun?
"Hane I told you I love my blackberry!? :-) well I do! Fo sho! Haha... -I may also be a little tipsy...- only hope that adds to my charm!
Kate
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T" (copied and pasted)
Yes.... Lovely isn't it? It was also sent at 10:25 in the evening on Friday. I know you were probably thinking, maybe 1 or 2 in the morning. Nope, 10:25 is the new time for drunk emailing on your brand spanking new Blackberry.
Poor G. I really do feel bad for him, that he is my default for all my stupid behavior. Though that is probably better than sending that stuff to D. I had already made a fool out of myself enough with him that day.
Gosh...Someday I'll be normal, but then would that even be fun?
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
Stairing at the Ceiling
Sometimes I get in these moods where I can't make a decision to save my life. There are no rhyme or reason to them, just the fact that picking on way or another to go seems physically taxing.
So last night despight the pile of laundry, the shoes that need to be purchased for a wedding this weekend, the gym trip that is desperatley needed, I was flat on my back, still in my work dress stairing at my ceiling.
My mind was whirring, but nothing concrete would stick. It was just easier to lay still until it got too late to conceivably do anything on my list. So that's what I did.
Then I got up, read a magazine cover to cover, made dinner turned on the debate and promptly fell asleep. I was asleep for 10 hours. Maybe that's what my body needed, I feel a whole lot more clear today.
Things are good too! I had a great weekend, work is fine, albiet a little slow (still), I had been feeling good, until I started slacking with the gym again, but I'll get on track again, especially since I started feeling the effects.
So last night despight the pile of laundry, the shoes that need to be purchased for a wedding this weekend, the gym trip that is desperatley needed, I was flat on my back, still in my work dress stairing at my ceiling.
My mind was whirring, but nothing concrete would stick. It was just easier to lay still until it got too late to conceivably do anything on my list. So that's what I did.
Then I got up, read a magazine cover to cover, made dinner turned on the debate and promptly fell asleep. I was asleep for 10 hours. Maybe that's what my body needed, I feel a whole lot more clear today.
Things are good too! I had a great weekend, work is fine, albiet a little slow (still), I had been feeling good, until I started slacking with the gym again, but I'll get on track again, especially since I started feeling the effects.
I guess I just needed a night off.
Fall-ey
In a bid to do something to celebrate the fall, C suggested we go apple picking. I was in for many reasons: 1) I love fall, 2) I've never been before and 3) I hate having free alone time on the weekends for the most part.
Belkin Family Farm was pretty much a well oiled machine and a profitable one at that, but for my first apple picking experience it was fun, although I don't think i would be able to afford it on a regular basis.
Another rear view for y'all. Please remember I only had 15 minutes to primp today, and apparently that affects the width of my ass. 
All in all the day was fun, expensive, but fun, and now I'm pretty sure they will rot in my kitchen, just like the apples I insist on buying from the supermarket EVERY week.
(Photos courtesy of C. because I have not taken the time to upload any pictures that I have taken since I got my camera in May and the battery died the day before apple picking at my nephew's b-day party and I still have not charged it. Yes, I know I'm lazy!)
The morning started a little rough when I woke up 15 minutes before I was supposed to meet everyone and by meet everyone, I mean they were all coming to my place. I must say though I thoroughly impressed myself with my speedy primping.
First we were going to my favorite breakfast place in Boston (Somerville) called the Neighborhood. I love it there and I knew that because it was fall their phenomenal pumpkin pancakes would be on the menu. So needless to say we were starting the day off right.
The trip to the farm was such a typical, New England fall drive. We took route 16 which winds its way through the towns of Newton, Wellesly and finally into Natick where the farm was located.
Belkin Family Farm was pretty much a well oiled machine and a profitable one at that, but for my first apple picking experience it was fun, although I don't think i would be able to afford it on a regular basis.
Another rear view for y'all. Please remember I only had 15 minutes to primp today, and apparently that affects the width of my ass. I managed to some how bring home $16.00 worth of apples, but I don't remember picking that many. I think they were just really heavy!
AAAND the action shot. It was staged if you can't tell. I don't even think there was an apple in that tree.
All in all the day was fun, expensive, but fun, and now I'm pretty sure they will rot in my kitchen, just like the apples I insist on buying from the supermarket EVERY week.(Photos courtesy of C. because I have not taken the time to upload any pictures that I have taken since I got my camera in May and the battery died the day before apple picking at my nephew's b-day party and I still have not charged it. Yes, I know I'm lazy!)
Friday, September 26, 2008
First of the Season
There are so many thing, events and experiences that could follow that title; however, it's not that fun and exciting.
No siree bob!
I have my first cold of the season! I feel like it's early, but looking back my nephew is going to be turning one on Sunday and when he was born last year, before I could go and visit him I have to suit up, bathe in anti-bacterial gel and wear a mask. This was all because I had a cold (and a cold sore, ick) so apparently I'm right on schedule.
It's pretty mild, I'm guessing that my body is easing me in to the season gently and I do appreciate it. Just the sniffles, a lot of sneeze and a very full and heavy head. There's something about having a head cold that makes me feel like a complete moron.
I'm not a fan of the runny nose and the light headedness, but what I hate most of all is that I can't smell anything and that really affects my taste.
I tried to explain this to someone at work while we were discussing pumpkin cream cheese which ended up with us both declaring our love for anything pumpkin (which on my part is probably a lie, but who am I to ruin a bonding moment). I then mentioned that I haven't had my first pumpkin latte of the season because I wanted to wait until I could taste and smell again.
She looked at me like I had four heads.
I mumble something about a cold and affecting my sense of smell and in turn my taste and I'm sure I made some hand gestures to accentuate my lack of smell, but she's still looking at me weird like I was deformed. I mean I can't be the only one this happens too right? So I hastily try to explain everything again before ducking out of the kitchen cubby which her "oookaaay" drawing out behind me. Honestly, I'm not sure why I bother making conversation with most people here.
I have my group of friends that I like and hang out with and have fun with and that seems to be enough. We also seem to be the only group at work which in turn has earned us quite the reputation. Apparently we're the gossip group that talks about every one's clothes.
In a way that is true, but when you dress like and idiot, you're begging to be talked about and there are some doozies at work! I won't say that we don't gossip about work, but c'mon! Who doesn't?
Mostly, and I've been through this before, people get jealous of people when other people seem to be having more fun than they are. I feel that people get a bad rap for no reason when other people are jealous of them. We're all young, smart, attractive girls and when we're seen having fun, laughing and enjoying ourselves, I suppose we are drawing attention to ourselves and people feel threatened.
Personally, I find it flattering! We're not doing anything wrong besides enjoying ourselves.
For me, coming from where I did and feeling that work was always a chore; it is unbelievable refreshing to enjoy coming to work in the morning.
What can I say? It's hard when everyone wants to BE you, but there are worse things they could want to be! I mean people can look down their noses at us and talk about us, but if they had the opportunity to BE us, they would jump at it.
It's not easy being popular, but some one's got to be.
Hahaha! You know you all love me! ;-)
No siree bob!
I have my first cold of the season! I feel like it's early, but looking back my nephew is going to be turning one on Sunday and when he was born last year, before I could go and visit him I have to suit up, bathe in anti-bacterial gel and wear a mask. This was all because I had a cold (and a cold sore, ick) so apparently I'm right on schedule.
It's pretty mild, I'm guessing that my body is easing me in to the season gently and I do appreciate it. Just the sniffles, a lot of sneeze and a very full and heavy head. There's something about having a head cold that makes me feel like a complete moron.
I'm not a fan of the runny nose and the light headedness, but what I hate most of all is that I can't smell anything and that really affects my taste.
I tried to explain this to someone at work while we were discussing pumpkin cream cheese which ended up with us both declaring our love for anything pumpkin (which on my part is probably a lie, but who am I to ruin a bonding moment). I then mentioned that I haven't had my first pumpkin latte of the season because I wanted to wait until I could taste and smell again.
She looked at me like I had four heads.
I mumble something about a cold and affecting my sense of smell and in turn my taste and I'm sure I made some hand gestures to accentuate my lack of smell, but she's still looking at me weird like I was deformed. I mean I can't be the only one this happens too right? So I hastily try to explain everything again before ducking out of the kitchen cubby which her "oookaaay" drawing out behind me. Honestly, I'm not sure why I bother making conversation with most people here.
I have my group of friends that I like and hang out with and have fun with and that seems to be enough. We also seem to be the only group at work which in turn has earned us quite the reputation. Apparently we're the gossip group that talks about every one's clothes.
In a way that is true, but when you dress like and idiot, you're begging to be talked about and there are some doozies at work! I won't say that we don't gossip about work, but c'mon! Who doesn't?
Mostly, and I've been through this before, people get jealous of people when other people seem to be having more fun than they are. I feel that people get a bad rap for no reason when other people are jealous of them. We're all young, smart, attractive girls and when we're seen having fun, laughing and enjoying ourselves, I suppose we are drawing attention to ourselves and people feel threatened.
Personally, I find it flattering! We're not doing anything wrong besides enjoying ourselves.
For me, coming from where I did and feeling that work was always a chore; it is unbelievable refreshing to enjoy coming to work in the morning.
What can I say? It's hard when everyone wants to BE you, but there are worse things they could want to be! I mean people can look down their noses at us and talk about us, but if they had the opportunity to BE us, they would jump at it.
It's not easy being popular, but some one's got to be.
Hahaha! You know you all love me! ;-)
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Back on Track (At Least for this Week)
What is it about fall that makes you want to change everything and do it right? For most people it seems that Spring is time for rebirth and New Years calls for reinvention, but for me it's fall. It has always been fall. As much as I love summer, the heat gets to me. I like being cold. I love feeling a cold breeze on my face when I sleep and have been knows to sleep with my windows thrown open until mid December.
The air has finally begun turn. I know the warm weather isn't done for yet in this weird weather region, but we've definitely been feeling cool dry fall temperatures, especially in the morning and I find them invigorating more than depressing. (Although talk to me on January 2nd and I'll be singing a different tune.) I'm good until the mid 50's, then I want to press pause; no lower thank you!
The summer made me sluggish and now I'm feeling the affects of it. I feel out of shape and chubby and I hate that feeling. I know when I've crossed that line and I know how to fix it, so I turned back to my routine this week. No more flopping on my stomach to read for two hours when I get home from work. I'm off to the gym now or lifting at home. It's tough though, I'm pretty sore, but it's a good sore, a feeling I haven't had for a while. It makes me feel like I'm doing something.
Like most things with me, it's the initial getting there that is daunting. The same with writing. How many times have I had the same conversation: (In my head of course)
"Just write something!"
But what?
It doesn't matter just start babbling
I have nothing interesting to say.
Who cares? It's for you and you don't care if you're interesting. You know as soon as you start you will flow. Who cares if it isn't cohesive and juicy. This is for you!
As usual, I was right. Decide for yourself which "me" was right!
So I'm in a routine, which is good for me. I told myself unless I have plans, I need to do something active. I've regulated my diet, which makes me feel better too and like I have some control. Not to mention searching for new recipes to try sucks up some of the down time at work and there has definitely been a lot of that.
Everything else has been a little slow. I've been text tagging with D for about a month now and now he's in Greece. Don't get me started on that. I wish I could just up and go where ever I wanted, but alas I cannot and I must live vicariously through him, which I hate doing.
G and I have not been talking. He says he's been extremely busy and I believe him, but I also think he hasn't been making the same effort as he used to. We got in a fight a few weeks ago, and since then he's kinda written me off. It wasn't even a fight really. I said something stupid. He (in my opinion) overreacted and since then has pretty much been in sporadic contact.
There's nothing I can really do. Do I regret what I said? Sure. Only because it was stupid and petty and had no bearing on our friendship, but you know what? I screw up. A lot and if I'm not allowed to screw up now and again with out that kind of reaction then I'm not exactly sure how stable our friendship is to being with.
All I can say is it must be nice to know you have a friend who will always be there for you no matter what time, what situation and how you treat them. I wish I knew what that was like. It's a little mind boggling too seeing as he knows what it's like to be treated that way.
Anyway! Enough about that bull shit! I understand he's swamped and busy and all that stuff and I know consciously he doesn't mean to ignore me, and I shouldn't project that fact that I just want to matter to someone onto him. Some day I would like to be a priority in some one's life; whether friend or relationship.
Enough whining for now, because I really am in a good place right now. I'm happy, if not a little bored and slightly hungry. :-)
The air has finally begun turn. I know the warm weather isn't done for yet in this weird weather region, but we've definitely been feeling cool dry fall temperatures, especially in the morning and I find them invigorating more than depressing. (Although talk to me on January 2nd and I'll be singing a different tune.) I'm good until the mid 50's, then I want to press pause; no lower thank you!
The summer made me sluggish and now I'm feeling the affects of it. I feel out of shape and chubby and I hate that feeling. I know when I've crossed that line and I know how to fix it, so I turned back to my routine this week. No more flopping on my stomach to read for two hours when I get home from work. I'm off to the gym now or lifting at home. It's tough though, I'm pretty sore, but it's a good sore, a feeling I haven't had for a while. It makes me feel like I'm doing something.
Like most things with me, it's the initial getting there that is daunting. The same with writing. How many times have I had the same conversation: (In my head of course)
"Just write something!"
But what?
It doesn't matter just start babbling
I have nothing interesting to say.
Who cares? It's for you and you don't care if you're interesting. You know as soon as you start you will flow. Who cares if it isn't cohesive and juicy. This is for you!
As usual, I was right. Decide for yourself which "me" was right!
So I'm in a routine, which is good for me. I told myself unless I have plans, I need to do something active. I've regulated my diet, which makes me feel better too and like I have some control. Not to mention searching for new recipes to try sucks up some of the down time at work and there has definitely been a lot of that.
Everything else has been a little slow. I've been text tagging with D for about a month now and now he's in Greece. Don't get me started on that. I wish I could just up and go where ever I wanted, but alas I cannot and I must live vicariously through him, which I hate doing.
G and I have not been talking. He says he's been extremely busy and I believe him, but I also think he hasn't been making the same effort as he used to. We got in a fight a few weeks ago, and since then he's kinda written me off. It wasn't even a fight really. I said something stupid. He (in my opinion) overreacted and since then has pretty much been in sporadic contact.
There's nothing I can really do. Do I regret what I said? Sure. Only because it was stupid and petty and had no bearing on our friendship, but you know what? I screw up. A lot and if I'm not allowed to screw up now and again with out that kind of reaction then I'm not exactly sure how stable our friendship is to being with.
All I can say is it must be nice to know you have a friend who will always be there for you no matter what time, what situation and how you treat them. I wish I knew what that was like. It's a little mind boggling too seeing as he knows what it's like to be treated that way.
Anyway! Enough about that bull shit! I understand he's swamped and busy and all that stuff and I know consciously he doesn't mean to ignore me, and I shouldn't project that fact that I just want to matter to someone onto him. Some day I would like to be a priority in some one's life; whether friend or relationship.
Enough whining for now, because I really am in a good place right now. I'm happy, if not a little bored and slightly hungry. :-)
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Yes...
If someone were to ask me what I did at work this afternoon, I would have to answer that I did the Hustle.
Yes, the Hustle. And I did it well.
Yes, the Hustle. And I did it well.
Strangley the Same
I just looked at my post from last year on the same day and I could probably cut and paste it verbatim right here! Well except for the texting D part because he's been a big ol' bore lately and as much as I somewhat do want to see him, it's just such a repeating pattern that I'm slowly losing interest. I don't know. It's just stagnant.
I'm not saying that if he texted and wanted to get together, I wouldn't. I'm just sick of the back and forth texting with no ending.
I haven't seen him in awhile. I lost track of how long.
Life is just rolling along. I was very busy for the last few weeks that I though I would welcome the alone time, but I was wrong. I'm very bored being left to my own devices. I'm trying not to spend money and the only activities I can think to entertain myself cost's money: Target, any mall, Whole Foods. You get the picture.
Last night I left work early, because I had been sitting, staring out the window since 2:30 and arrived in Porter's Square at 5:30. I had no idea what to do with myself, so I found myself wandering around Shaw's Supermarket, even though I didn't need a thing. After thirty minutes I emerged with a half of a pound of cocktail shrimp, two Cedarline frozen entrees (Spinach Pie and Veggie Lasagna, both of which will sit in my freezer for a good 6 months, but hey! they were on sale) and spinach and cheese rolls from the deli.
The products of an aimless mind. I also put A LOT of stuff back.
I spent an hour with the newest Cooking Light magazine before eating dinner, finished a book and the fell asleep before 10:00.
You would think I would be well rested, my head is in my hand right now. I'm lacking stimulation here at this time. It's draining. Yesterday in our team meeting we were already talking about Holiday vacation. We're very limited on the time we can take during the holiday's because it's our busiest time, so this is always a point of contention with everyone. Just thinking that far in advance made my head hurt.
On the other hand I'm looking forward to the fall. It's been chilly in the morning this week and I like it. It's a more comfortable commute. Things are moving along well. I can't complain really. Maybe I don't try hard enough or maybe I'm not "putting myself out there" whatever that means.
Things are good for the most part. I don't really have the liberty to be resentful or dissatisfied with anything. I've been blessed with a lot, more than most. I can't be ungrateful for the things I have just because of the one thing I don't.
I'm not saying that if he texted and wanted to get together, I wouldn't. I'm just sick of the back and forth texting with no ending.
I haven't seen him in awhile. I lost track of how long.
Life is just rolling along. I was very busy for the last few weeks that I though I would welcome the alone time, but I was wrong. I'm very bored being left to my own devices. I'm trying not to spend money and the only activities I can think to entertain myself cost's money: Target, any mall, Whole Foods. You get the picture.
Last night I left work early, because I had been sitting, staring out the window since 2:30 and arrived in Porter's Square at 5:30. I had no idea what to do with myself, so I found myself wandering around Shaw's Supermarket, even though I didn't need a thing. After thirty minutes I emerged with a half of a pound of cocktail shrimp, two Cedarline frozen entrees (Spinach Pie and Veggie Lasagna, both of which will sit in my freezer for a good 6 months, but hey! they were on sale) and spinach and cheese rolls from the deli.
The products of an aimless mind. I also put A LOT of stuff back.
I spent an hour with the newest Cooking Light magazine before eating dinner, finished a book and the fell asleep before 10:00.
You would think I would be well rested, my head is in my hand right now. I'm lacking stimulation here at this time. It's draining. Yesterday in our team meeting we were already talking about Holiday vacation. We're very limited on the time we can take during the holiday's because it's our busiest time, so this is always a point of contention with everyone. Just thinking that far in advance made my head hurt.
On the other hand I'm looking forward to the fall. It's been chilly in the morning this week and I like it. It's a more comfortable commute. Things are moving along well. I can't complain really. Maybe I don't try hard enough or maybe I'm not "putting myself out there" whatever that means.
Things are good for the most part. I don't really have the liberty to be resentful or dissatisfied with anything. I've been blessed with a lot, more than most. I can't be ungrateful for the things I have just because of the one thing I don't.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Big Goings On
My family has been very busy this summer producing life experiences. The 35th wedding anniversary here, a pregnancy there and now an engagement.
We're not a big family, but we go big and in short amounts of time. The new baby was announced in July with and ETA of March. I'm excited and concerned at the same time. My little Neph will only be 18 months then, he didn't get mummy and daddy to himself for long, but that's okay, I plan to be the overcompensating aunt. Not that there isn't enough love to go around, we fight over him enough as it is. I'm just cautious and a little anxious. His arrival wasn't the easiest. The little bugger.
The engagement is brand new. My lil' bro popped the question just last week. I found out yesterday, they made me notice the ring. It took me a few minutes. I was expecting it and not expecting it at the same time. I think I thought I would know about it before it happened, but he was very secretive. Only my mother knew and she didn't even tell my dad. Which was a smart move because it is widely known the he sings like a canary.
The ring is beautiful and they're very happy. I think they're planning for next fall, which will be nice. I love fall weddings.
Then there's me. Keepin it real. Holding down the fort, giving my fam the little awkward piece that keeps them from being too happy, too right, too perfect. I'm fulfilling my role to a T. I don't mind, I'm willing to sacrifice my happiness for theirs. I mean it would be too perfect right? No family could sustain that for long. So I'm okay with my role.
I couldn't be more happy for them, so it feels a little selfish to think about my own life in comparison with their lives and the progression of their lives. If nothing happens for me then so be it! At least I can take comfort in the fact that I am a good sister, daughter and friend.
I fear that people may wonder what I'm thinking or are afraid that I will be resentful. The bitter spinster sister. I hope to god that I don't come off that way, but I suppose people will think what they will.
I mean I'll be the first to admit that I tend to think a little off about some subjects concerning myself.
When I told G that they were engaged, his response was:
G: Are you okay?
me: Yes of course
G: Okay just making sure
me: well besides the fact that I feel like a failure, but that's a story for another day...
G: Yeah well I figured with the way your mind works you would be feeling something like that, well we will talk tomorrow and you can get it out of your system. But you totally are not a failure.
I like and hate at the same time that he knows how I think. It embarrasses me, but it's still me. I can't help, but let that cross my mind. I guess it just shows that he does know how I think in terms of myself and he was thinking of me more than he was thinking of the actual news. It's nice to have someone like that.
Beyond my own self-issues and expectations, it's going to be an exciting year. I'm looking forward to everything because when it comes right down to it: It's not really about me.
We're not a big family, but we go big and in short amounts of time. The new baby was announced in July with and ETA of March. I'm excited and concerned at the same time. My little Neph will only be 18 months then, he didn't get mummy and daddy to himself for long, but that's okay, I plan to be the overcompensating aunt. Not that there isn't enough love to go around, we fight over him enough as it is. I'm just cautious and a little anxious. His arrival wasn't the easiest. The little bugger.
The engagement is brand new. My lil' bro popped the question just last week. I found out yesterday, they made me notice the ring. It took me a few minutes. I was expecting it and not expecting it at the same time. I think I thought I would know about it before it happened, but he was very secretive. Only my mother knew and she didn't even tell my dad. Which was a smart move because it is widely known the he sings like a canary.
The ring is beautiful and they're very happy. I think they're planning for next fall, which will be nice. I love fall weddings.
Then there's me. Keepin it real. Holding down the fort, giving my fam the little awkward piece that keeps them from being too happy, too right, too perfect. I'm fulfilling my role to a T. I don't mind, I'm willing to sacrifice my happiness for theirs. I mean it would be too perfect right? No family could sustain that for long. So I'm okay with my role.
I couldn't be more happy for them, so it feels a little selfish to think about my own life in comparison with their lives and the progression of their lives. If nothing happens for me then so be it! At least I can take comfort in the fact that I am a good sister, daughter and friend.
I fear that people may wonder what I'm thinking or are afraid that I will be resentful. The bitter spinster sister. I hope to god that I don't come off that way, but I suppose people will think what they will.
I mean I'll be the first to admit that I tend to think a little off about some subjects concerning myself.
When I told G that they were engaged, his response was:
G: Are you okay?
me: Yes of course
G: Okay just making sure
me: well besides the fact that I feel like a failure, but that's a story for another day...
G: Yeah well I figured with the way your mind works you would be feeling something like that, well we will talk tomorrow and you can get it out of your system. But you totally are not a failure.
I like and hate at the same time that he knows how I think. It embarrasses me, but it's still me. I can't help, but let that cross my mind. I guess it just shows that he does know how I think in terms of myself and he was thinking of me more than he was thinking of the actual news. It's nice to have someone like that.
Beyond my own self-issues and expectations, it's going to be an exciting year. I'm looking forward to everything because when it comes right down to it: It's not really about me.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Tired of Sharing
For some reason I was nervous on the way down. In the back of my friends SUV, I was trying to keep my dress smoothed and my hair strait. I could feel it was a losing battle. We were headed down to the Naval Academy in Newport, RI for the wedding of my former SD roommate and friend from high school. I wasn't sure why I was nervous. It would mostly be my friends, but that has been known to go badly.
I had been in touch with the third of the trio that made up the occupants of our three floor town house just minutes from the beach in SD. I hadn't seen T in about four years, but we had a pretty good relationship. He was like my BF with out the drama. More like a strait, gay boyfriend. If that makes any sense. I was looking forward to seeing him again, but I was also a little wary over the suggestive texts he had been sending. I kind of knew he had a thing for me, but I've always managed to not encourage that. I was looking forward to seeing him though, unfortunately so was M.
M and I have been friends since we were two years old. The first time I saw here there is a rumor I ran out in my skivvies to yell at her for using my smurf mobile. At the time I had no idea how much that one moment would define our relationship.
Every part of our lives is pretty much intertwined. It is hard for me to have something that is just mine. I cling to those things that are. I struggle to keep them separate. They're are mine and they are very, very few. T was one of them. M had met him once when she came to visit SD and then again when he was in Boston.
Even now thinking about this and struggling with my feelings about this whole situation, I feel silly and a little immature. Basically T was mine and I didn't really want to share him. I supposed it was silly of me to think that after four years we would fall back into old patterns, but its just the principle.
The second I told M I heard from T she emailed him. If I was talking she was interrupting. When he had to put his sword in the car, she went with him and when she was cold he gave her his jacket.
In his defense, he definitely had a better chance of scoring with M.
The wedding was so fun and I had a great time so I don't want to dwell on the fact that I was unceremoniously kicked out of my bed because M jumped in it. I just don't get it.
The fact of the matter is that I've been too giving. It's always been easier to give in than to make a scene. Which is exactly what I did, I sat up, ignored the "you're leaving" question from T and headed off to the other room. I've always been a little too prideful, but it's really all I have.
Score one more for M. Another part of my life she has successfully infiltrated.
I had been in touch with the third of the trio that made up the occupants of our three floor town house just minutes from the beach in SD. I hadn't seen T in about four years, but we had a pretty good relationship. He was like my BF with out the drama. More like a strait, gay boyfriend. If that makes any sense. I was looking forward to seeing him again, but I was also a little wary over the suggestive texts he had been sending. I kind of knew he had a thing for me, but I've always managed to not encourage that. I was looking forward to seeing him though, unfortunately so was M.
M and I have been friends since we were two years old. The first time I saw here there is a rumor I ran out in my skivvies to yell at her for using my smurf mobile. At the time I had no idea how much that one moment would define our relationship.
Every part of our lives is pretty much intertwined. It is hard for me to have something that is just mine. I cling to those things that are. I struggle to keep them separate. They're are mine and they are very, very few. T was one of them. M had met him once when she came to visit SD and then again when he was in Boston.
Even now thinking about this and struggling with my feelings about this whole situation, I feel silly and a little immature. Basically T was mine and I didn't really want to share him. I supposed it was silly of me to think that after four years we would fall back into old patterns, but its just the principle.
The second I told M I heard from T she emailed him. If I was talking she was interrupting. When he had to put his sword in the car, she went with him and when she was cold he gave her his jacket.
In his defense, he definitely had a better chance of scoring with M.
The wedding was so fun and I had a great time so I don't want to dwell on the fact that I was unceremoniously kicked out of my bed because M jumped in it. I just don't get it.
The fact of the matter is that I've been too giving. It's always been easier to give in than to make a scene. Which is exactly what I did, I sat up, ignored the "you're leaving" question from T and headed off to the other room. I've always been a little too prideful, but it's really all I have.
Score one more for M. Another part of my life she has successfully infiltrated.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Complacent? Content?
Last night I had a dream in which D ran his hand down my sides and said. "Wow, you're big here." I then remember yelling at him and that was about it.
I'm not fat, but I've been feeling a little different lately and I'm definitely not as slim as I have been in the past. It bothers me! When I can feel it, it really bothers me.
It does not help that I'm going out to dinner three times this week. It's restaurant week here in Boston and I have three reservations. The first being tonight. I'm excited, but now this dream is unsettling me. I know I shouldn't let it, but it's hard not to.
I love food though and I'm beyond excited to try three different places this week. I'll just have to be good during the day.
I've also been trying to figure out why I haven't been compelled to blog as much as I have in the past. That's what it has been for me in the past, a compulsion. After reading a few old posting and looking at the ebbs and flows in my posting, I came to one conclusion.
I don't write as much when I'm content.
I also realized that majority of my recent posts have been D-centric. He is one of the situations in my life that produces discord or self-doubt. He produces situations that I have to work through and writing them down, or even turning our interactions into funny anecdotes (because when you really do look at them that way they are freaking hilarious) help me to see the situation for what it is and not to be down about it or discouraged by it.
Make for some sporadic blogging too!
I have been content lately. The summer allows for me to relax and lay low. Most of my weekends have me heading to my parents house to crash at their pool. I don't stress about not having any plans and I don't want them. I much rather enjoy my free time alone. I am looking forward to the fall though.
So less blogging means I'm happy? I'm not sold on that one. Maybe less interesting because I'm doing nothing or there seems to be a lack of drama. I'm also not sold on the fact that that is a good thing. A little drama never hurt anyone. A very little!
So I guess my question for myself is if I am content or just complacent. Should I try harder? I tell myself I am content and that, mainly with personal relationships, it will happen when I'm ready, but is that necessarily true? Should I be actively pursuing something? I don't feel it really, the need to find someone. I'm not sure if that's the fear blanketed in complacency talking or the fact that I really do just like it better by myself.
I've been reflecting on a lot of the same questions lately, that one in particular really stands out.
Complacent vs. Content.
People say you have to work for what you want. I supposed the first step to that is to figure out what exactly it is that I want before I can go out and get it. I don't' really expect it to fall in my lap, but I don't know if i have the energy or steel resolve to go out and take the punches necessary to achieve it.
So here I am. Anxiously content or relaxed complacence.
I'm not fat, but I've been feeling a little different lately and I'm definitely not as slim as I have been in the past. It bothers me! When I can feel it, it really bothers me.
It does not help that I'm going out to dinner three times this week. It's restaurant week here in Boston and I have three reservations. The first being tonight. I'm excited, but now this dream is unsettling me. I know I shouldn't let it, but it's hard not to.
I love food though and I'm beyond excited to try three different places this week. I'll just have to be good during the day.
I've also been trying to figure out why I haven't been compelled to blog as much as I have in the past. That's what it has been for me in the past, a compulsion. After reading a few old posting and looking at the ebbs and flows in my posting, I came to one conclusion.
I don't write as much when I'm content.
I also realized that majority of my recent posts have been D-centric. He is one of the situations in my life that produces discord or self-doubt. He produces situations that I have to work through and writing them down, or even turning our interactions into funny anecdotes (because when you really do look at them that way they are freaking hilarious) help me to see the situation for what it is and not to be down about it or discouraged by it.
Make for some sporadic blogging too!
I have been content lately. The summer allows for me to relax and lay low. Most of my weekends have me heading to my parents house to crash at their pool. I don't stress about not having any plans and I don't want them. I much rather enjoy my free time alone. I am looking forward to the fall though.
So less blogging means I'm happy? I'm not sold on that one. Maybe less interesting because I'm doing nothing or there seems to be a lack of drama. I'm also not sold on the fact that that is a good thing. A little drama never hurt anyone. A very little!
So I guess my question for myself is if I am content or just complacent. Should I try harder? I tell myself I am content and that, mainly with personal relationships, it will happen when I'm ready, but is that necessarily true? Should I be actively pursuing something? I don't feel it really, the need to find someone. I'm not sure if that's the fear blanketed in complacency talking or the fact that I really do just like it better by myself.
I've been reflecting on a lot of the same questions lately, that one in particular really stands out.
Complacent vs. Content.
People say you have to work for what you want. I supposed the first step to that is to figure out what exactly it is that I want before I can go out and get it. I don't' really expect it to fall in my lap, but I don't know if i have the energy or steel resolve to go out and take the punches necessary to achieve it.
So here I am. Anxiously content or relaxed complacence.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Considering
I'm back from my vacation. Well I've been back a week, but I haven't been able to sit down and coherently put my thoughts on to paper.
Because my vacation was good... great in fact... Considering.
My Grandmother passed away the day we were leaving. Well she actually passed away while we were already there, but the chain of events started that morning when we were getting ready to leave.
This was a family vacation, a return to our family vacation spot to celebrate my parents 35th wedding anniversary. While her death was unexpected in the sense that it happened quickly, she had been deteriorating mentally for a while now and I'm sure the distressed her to no end. We weren't very close, but I'm still harboring guilt because I wasn't very emotional about her passing. I felt worse for my dad who had been looking forward to the vacation since February when we booked the house.
I supposed I delayed any sort of writing or talking about my vacation because I feel awkward proclaiming... "oh my vacation was great, well considering..." I don't take sympathy well, just like I don't take compliments or affection. I suppose it has something do to with being paid attention to when I would rather fade into the background. I've always been that way. Except for sports for some reason, go figure.
I've been back for a week now and the vacation was good, it was nice spending time with my family, especially my nephew. I tried to ignore the fact that it was just me and I was delegated the "kids room" that contained bunk beds and a pull out futon. It's pretty much for the left over guests. I couldn't sleep in that room for some reason and most of the week found me on a random couch somewhere else in the house. That was strange to me because I am usually a good sleeper.
I got a great tan, relaxed, finished some book, cooked and ate great food and laughed a lot. A week was definitely not long enough though.
I've been back at work a week and its SO SLOW! I'm finishing most of my work before 11:00 A.M. Its mind numbingly boring. It was like this last summer, but I was new then, so I was a little more lenient, but this summer I want to pull my hair out from the boredom. Even now this post is boring me. Its also making me feel a little anxious too, so that's never good, especially since I've started thinking about my future (or lack thereof). I get accused of being negative, even though I'm only being realistic.
So it may not happen for me. I've accepted that, do I think that's a definite? No. I haven't given up hope, but I'm also not going to sit there and think that someone is going to come around and rescue me. I have a pretty good feeling I'm going to be taking care of myself for a while and not get the comfort of joint finances.
Yah, I'm hormonal.. so what? You gotta problem with that?
Because my vacation was good... great in fact... Considering.
My Grandmother passed away the day we were leaving. Well she actually passed away while we were already there, but the chain of events started that morning when we were getting ready to leave.
This was a family vacation, a return to our family vacation spot to celebrate my parents 35th wedding anniversary. While her death was unexpected in the sense that it happened quickly, she had been deteriorating mentally for a while now and I'm sure the distressed her to no end. We weren't very close, but I'm still harboring guilt because I wasn't very emotional about her passing. I felt worse for my dad who had been looking forward to the vacation since February when we booked the house.
I supposed I delayed any sort of writing or talking about my vacation because I feel awkward proclaiming... "oh my vacation was great, well considering..." I don't take sympathy well, just like I don't take compliments or affection. I suppose it has something do to with being paid attention to when I would rather fade into the background. I've always been that way. Except for sports for some reason, go figure.
I've been back for a week now and the vacation was good, it was nice spending time with my family, especially my nephew. I tried to ignore the fact that it was just me and I was delegated the "kids room" that contained bunk beds and a pull out futon. It's pretty much for the left over guests. I couldn't sleep in that room for some reason and most of the week found me on a random couch somewhere else in the house. That was strange to me because I am usually a good sleeper.
I got a great tan, relaxed, finished some book, cooked and ate great food and laughed a lot. A week was definitely not long enough though.
I've been back at work a week and its SO SLOW! I'm finishing most of my work before 11:00 A.M. Its mind numbingly boring. It was like this last summer, but I was new then, so I was a little more lenient, but this summer I want to pull my hair out from the boredom. Even now this post is boring me. Its also making me feel a little anxious too, so that's never good, especially since I've started thinking about my future (or lack thereof). I get accused of being negative, even though I'm only being realistic.
So it may not happen for me. I've accepted that, do I think that's a definite? No. I haven't given up hope, but I'm also not going to sit there and think that someone is going to come around and rescue me. I have a pretty good feeling I'm going to be taking care of myself for a while and not get the comfort of joint finances.
Yah, I'm hormonal.. so what? You gotta problem with that?
Friday, July 11, 2008
The Future?
"I thought I wouldn't have to deal with this for another 20 or so years?" I was perched on his brown leather sofa, enjoying the coolness seep into my legs after my hot walk from the T.
"Neither did I." He retorted.
He was lying on the love seat, pillow behind his back grimacing every so often. He had already demonstrated how he has to stand crooked and walk with a slight limp.
"Does this happen often?" I asked. He grimaced again and shifted his position.
"No, but it has happened before. I'll be fine."
"Are you sure? You don't look fine!" I start to laugh, I couldn't help it. The more I think of it our encounters become more and more surreal.
Here I am on his couch after a month and he is laid up with his back out. The last time we hooked up, I left and three hours later was half dead on my bathroom floor. I was surprised, sitting there, that I was able to choke down the vodka tonic when the last time it unceremoniously left my body in a not fun way.
"I'm glad you think this is funny!" He growls.
I bite back the smile and try to look sympathetic, but I can't do it. I'm wondering why he thought this would be a good idea in the first place. This day, when he's in pain, after exactly 4 weeks of not talking.
His first text was funny to. "Hey, long time no talk. You get a boyfriend or something, no longer in need of my services? lol!"
Very strange, but there I was, on the couch not exactly sure how to proceed.
"I'll be okay!" He promised. I'll chalk it up to another first for me, but I would feel horrible if he hurt himself more. "We may have to stand up." He muses. I blush.
In the end it worked out well, god knows how he felt the next day, but that's really not my concern. He's a big boy, he knows his limits.
Plus, in his profession he has access to the good drugs.
PS. Off to the Cape for a FULL WEEKS VACATION! HOLY HELL! I can't remember the last time that this has happened while I was employed!
"Neither did I." He retorted.
He was lying on the love seat, pillow behind his back grimacing every so often. He had already demonstrated how he has to stand crooked and walk with a slight limp.
"Does this happen often?" I asked. He grimaced again and shifted his position.
"No, but it has happened before. I'll be fine."
"Are you sure? You don't look fine!" I start to laugh, I couldn't help it. The more I think of it our encounters become more and more surreal.
Here I am on his couch after a month and he is laid up with his back out. The last time we hooked up, I left and three hours later was half dead on my bathroom floor. I was surprised, sitting there, that I was able to choke down the vodka tonic when the last time it unceremoniously left my body in a not fun way.
"I'm glad you think this is funny!" He growls.
I bite back the smile and try to look sympathetic, but I can't do it. I'm wondering why he thought this would be a good idea in the first place. This day, when he's in pain, after exactly 4 weeks of not talking.
His first text was funny to. "Hey, long time no talk. You get a boyfriend or something, no longer in need of my services? lol!"
Very strange, but there I was, on the couch not exactly sure how to proceed.
"I'll be okay!" He promised. I'll chalk it up to another first for me, but I would feel horrible if he hurt himself more. "We may have to stand up." He muses. I blush.
In the end it worked out well, god knows how he felt the next day, but that's really not my concern. He's a big boy, he knows his limits.
Plus, in his profession he has access to the good drugs.
PS. Off to the Cape for a FULL WEEKS VACATION! HOLY HELL! I can't remember the last time that this has happened while I was employed!
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
Behind
I came to a realization today while eating lunch with the girls I work with. It was not an epiphany or something I have never realized before, but for some reason this time it is sticking more with me. I feel I have to take some sort of action soon, before I start to feel like a failure.
A woman who works where I work walked into the lunch room, stayed for a bit and contributed to the conversation and then left.
The ensuing comments were. "Doesn't she always look nice and put together?" and "She's always so professional looking."
And she is. She always looks unrumpled, put together, sleek is a good word to describe her. I on the other hand spend 2o minutes ironing my linen skirt only to get to work looking like I stepped out of the wringer. Sigh.
The last question came from me. "How old is she?" They contemplate the question for a few seconds. "28" was the reply.
"Really!?" I'm incredulous. Not that she looks old, or that I look younger than her. I just FEEL younger, but that's not necessarily a good thing.
"Yah, She's making pretty good money for a 28 year old."
I briefly put my head in my hands, silently bemoaning the fact that I am old and completely unaccomplished and definitely NOT making "good money for a 29 year old."
Now I'm wondering where I went wrong. I like my job, but I know I should not be in this position with my education, potential, skill level and age. I think I was so desperate last year to get A job, any job, that I jumped in with out realizing what the position would entail. Not to say that I'm above the position, I most definitely am not, but all the girls I work with have the potential to do more, we're just not given the chance.
Anyway!
I'm not sure what to do. I'm curious as to what the people I work with think. I'm 29 and decidedly below the levels of the other 29 year old's I work with and I feel a little silly at times. I mean I have my master's for goodness sake! What a waste!
I don't have anyone to blame, but myself. Mostly I'm angry with myself for staying so long at my last job. I atrophied there. I had no job growth, no training, no cultivation. What I had to last year when I left was start from scratch, work my way up again. I was entry level.
There is a four year gap now from that other job where I was in a black hole of misery, with my career standing still.
I'm not sure what to do about it now. Maybe I just don't have the potential. Maybe I'm not quick enough or smart enough or savvy enough to get to that level.
I've never had huge career goals. I don't know why, I just never developed them. I just blindly went through the motions of college, job, graduate school and more jobs, but never really working towards somewhere specific.
Now here I am at 29 and it doesn't look like I'm going have much else to focus on anytime soon (i.e. marriage, family) that I should take more interest in my career. I need to discover how I want to spend my days, what will make me happy, what I am good at.
I don't really know where or how to start, but it is something I've been thinking about seriously lately. I just don't know how to focus my energy there because nothing jumps out at me. I can't sit down and think about what I want to do and get a valid response. Yes, I would love to run a cafe/book store, but in reality I have no idea how to run a business, how to cook for masses, and where to even start. Not to mention I have no money! Dreams will stay just that.
I suppose that should be my main goal for my thirtieth year.
I won't say fine my life's purpose. Goodness, how contrived.
What I want to find is what I can to that will make me happy and satisfied and proud. Is it possible? Is it out there? I'm honestly not exactly sure. Maybe, like a relationship, a satisfying career just isn't in the cards for me.
I've described my life as "vanilla" before, (re. mediocre) and the older I get and the more I see how my life is progressing, the more I see that as true. Maybe that's the life that has been laid out for me. Nothing impressive or remarkable. Just a steady, boring, vanilla life.
Everyone wants to be extraordinary and to spectacular things, but there has to be a yin to that yang.
It's quite possible that I am part of the yin.
A woman who works where I work walked into the lunch room, stayed for a bit and contributed to the conversation and then left.
The ensuing comments were. "Doesn't she always look nice and put together?" and "She's always so professional looking."
And she is. She always looks unrumpled, put together, sleek is a good word to describe her. I on the other hand spend 2o minutes ironing my linen skirt only to get to work looking like I stepped out of the wringer. Sigh.
The last question came from me. "How old is she?" They contemplate the question for a few seconds. "28" was the reply.
"Really!?" I'm incredulous. Not that she looks old, or that I look younger than her. I just FEEL younger, but that's not necessarily a good thing.
"Yah, She's making pretty good money for a 28 year old."
I briefly put my head in my hands, silently bemoaning the fact that I am old and completely unaccomplished and definitely NOT making "good money for a 29 year old."
Now I'm wondering where I went wrong. I like my job, but I know I should not be in this position with my education, potential, skill level and age. I think I was so desperate last year to get A job, any job, that I jumped in with out realizing what the position would entail. Not to say that I'm above the position, I most definitely am not, but all the girls I work with have the potential to do more, we're just not given the chance.
Anyway!
I'm not sure what to do. I'm curious as to what the people I work with think. I'm 29 and decidedly below the levels of the other 29 year old's I work with and I feel a little silly at times. I mean I have my master's for goodness sake! What a waste!
I don't have anyone to blame, but myself. Mostly I'm angry with myself for staying so long at my last job. I atrophied there. I had no job growth, no training, no cultivation. What I had to last year when I left was start from scratch, work my way up again. I was entry level.
There is a four year gap now from that other job where I was in a black hole of misery, with my career standing still.
I'm not sure what to do about it now. Maybe I just don't have the potential. Maybe I'm not quick enough or smart enough or savvy enough to get to that level.
I've never had huge career goals. I don't know why, I just never developed them. I just blindly went through the motions of college, job, graduate school and more jobs, but never really working towards somewhere specific.
Now here I am at 29 and it doesn't look like I'm going have much else to focus on anytime soon (i.e. marriage, family) that I should take more interest in my career. I need to discover how I want to spend my days, what will make me happy, what I am good at.
I don't really know where or how to start, but it is something I've been thinking about seriously lately. I just don't know how to focus my energy there because nothing jumps out at me. I can't sit down and think about what I want to do and get a valid response. Yes, I would love to run a cafe/book store, but in reality I have no idea how to run a business, how to cook for masses, and where to even start. Not to mention I have no money! Dreams will stay just that.
I suppose that should be my main goal for my thirtieth year.
I won't say fine my life's purpose. Goodness, how contrived.
What I want to find is what I can to that will make me happy and satisfied and proud. Is it possible? Is it out there? I'm honestly not exactly sure. Maybe, like a relationship, a satisfying career just isn't in the cards for me.
I've described my life as "vanilla" before, (re. mediocre) and the older I get and the more I see how my life is progressing, the more I see that as true. Maybe that's the life that has been laid out for me. Nothing impressive or remarkable. Just a steady, boring, vanilla life.
Everyone wants to be extraordinary and to spectacular things, but there has to be a yin to that yang.
It's quite possible that I am part of the yin.
Monday, July 07, 2008
Confusion
This wasn't the first time I have had to do it, but this was the first time I thought it possible to have different results, the first time my hand was shaking so much I had trouble actually executing it. It would also be the first time the cause would be muddy, confused and actually unknown.
It made me feel a little.... Oh I'll just say it! Dirty, whorish and a little bit of a slut.
Two possible outcomes, two possible contributers to said out come.
Before I was always knew what the result would be, but when ones body is not behaving as it normally should, one would like a little back up proof. It was almost a novelty, the gravety of the situation never quite hitting me. Oh look it me! I have to take a test, how grown up of me.
This time, my hand shook, my stomach clenched and I had trouble sleeping. This time I had screwed up possibly, had not used the proper precautions, not that it was the first time, but this was the first time that I might have to pay for it and deal with the question of who else would pay?
I tried not to think of the consequences of who I would rather be in the mess with, or of what it would mean to be me in this situation. Its been done, but could it be done by me?
I wouldn't want pity, I told myself. I would be able to do this with minimal help. Proud to a fault. I straitened my spine and tried to hold the butterflies at bay. I wouldn't need either one. One might actually go for that rationalization, the other would not. If I could chose I would chose the latter.
As I'm sitting here now spitting out the half thoughts and rationalizations that have plagued me this week, begging to be extricated from my head, it seems silly.
Always a good test taker, I was relieved to have failed this one. Crisis averted, realizations made and resolutions to be more careful set in stone.
Its not the first time my body has played tricks on me, but it was the first time I had reason to believe it might not just be a trick.
Crisis averted, but not forgotten.
It made me feel a little.... Oh I'll just say it! Dirty, whorish and a little bit of a slut.
Two possible outcomes, two possible contributers to said out come.
Before I was always knew what the result would be, but when ones body is not behaving as it normally should, one would like a little back up proof. It was almost a novelty, the gravety of the situation never quite hitting me. Oh look it me! I have to take a test, how grown up of me.
This time, my hand shook, my stomach clenched and I had trouble sleeping. This time I had screwed up possibly, had not used the proper precautions, not that it was the first time, but this was the first time that I might have to pay for it and deal with the question of who else would pay?
I tried not to think of the consequences of who I would rather be in the mess with, or of what it would mean to be me in this situation. Its been done, but could it be done by me?
I wouldn't want pity, I told myself. I would be able to do this with minimal help. Proud to a fault. I straitened my spine and tried to hold the butterflies at bay. I wouldn't need either one. One might actually go for that rationalization, the other would not. If I could chose I would chose the latter.
As I'm sitting here now spitting out the half thoughts and rationalizations that have plagued me this week, begging to be extricated from my head, it seems silly.
Always a good test taker, I was relieved to have failed this one. Crisis averted, realizations made and resolutions to be more careful set in stone.
Its not the first time my body has played tricks on me, but it was the first time I had reason to believe it might not just be a trick.
Crisis averted, but not forgotten.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Good Day
Today will be a good day. There are many reasons for it to be a good day and I will keep reminding myself.
First and foremost. Yay Celtics! #17 in dominant fashion. Not to mention no more late games! Kevin Garnet is amazing to watch. He's just so......tall. I might incorporate chest thumping and head slapping into my daily work routine.
The T was almost empty and I wasn't hot getting on. The temperature was perfect and the air was dry on my walk which means I didn't waste 10 minutes blow drying my hair today. I can't tell you how much that makes me feel good, to be able to glance at yourself in the T window and not want to gag.
Today was also free coffee day. There is a little coffee stand in the basement of my building and I go there every morning because it is convenient and the woman who works there knows I always get a medium coffee. The coffee is above average and every tenth coffee is free! Today was my tenth coffee.
I do have to keep reminding myself that is the little things that make good days out of mediocre days. I've been fighting the melancholy this week. Even the usually pick me ups haven't been helping because I'm coming off a wicked stomach virus that wiped me out last week and food isn't appealing to me. I mean I eat, but there's nothing that I crave. I'm still exhausted from the three days of puking, abdominal pains and fever. Even now I could probably lay my head down on my key board and pass out.
I'm going through the motions though. I met R last night for dinner by the waterfront. Its so nice down there. I need to spend more time in that area. After I met friends for trivia, but I wasn't into it.
Even though I want to wallow, I'm not allowing myself. I'll get my energy back soon.
Why is it always when you're sick do you realize, "Wait a minute? There is no one right now who cares that my insides are turning upside down and I can't lay still because the pain is making me writhe?"
All I wanted was some Ginger Ale and some saltines and Tylenol since my ibuprofen was making me hurl. I had no one to get that for me. So of course I pulled on my jeans, tugged my ratty t-shirt over my head and went to the grocery store. I only had to pause in the isles a few time so as not to fall over. Lucky for me I live in a very eclectic area, so I wasn't exactly out of the norm.
I'm a big girl and I know how to take care of myself.
Its just sometimes you don't want to or don't want to have to.
First and foremost. Yay Celtics! #17 in dominant fashion. Not to mention no more late games! Kevin Garnet is amazing to watch. He's just so......tall. I might incorporate chest thumping and head slapping into my daily work routine.
The T was almost empty and I wasn't hot getting on. The temperature was perfect and the air was dry on my walk which means I didn't waste 10 minutes blow drying my hair today. I can't tell you how much that makes me feel good, to be able to glance at yourself in the T window and not want to gag.
Today was also free coffee day. There is a little coffee stand in the basement of my building and I go there every morning because it is convenient and the woman who works there knows I always get a medium coffee. The coffee is above average and every tenth coffee is free! Today was my tenth coffee.
I do have to keep reminding myself that is the little things that make good days out of mediocre days. I've been fighting the melancholy this week. Even the usually pick me ups haven't been helping because I'm coming off a wicked stomach virus that wiped me out last week and food isn't appealing to me. I mean I eat, but there's nothing that I crave. I'm still exhausted from the three days of puking, abdominal pains and fever. Even now I could probably lay my head down on my key board and pass out.
I'm going through the motions though. I met R last night for dinner by the waterfront. Its so nice down there. I need to spend more time in that area. After I met friends for trivia, but I wasn't into it.
Even though I want to wallow, I'm not allowing myself. I'll get my energy back soon.
Why is it always when you're sick do you realize, "Wait a minute? There is no one right now who cares that my insides are turning upside down and I can't lay still because the pain is making me writhe?"
All I wanted was some Ginger Ale and some saltines and Tylenol since my ibuprofen was making me hurl. I had no one to get that for me. So of course I pulled on my jeans, tugged my ratty t-shirt over my head and went to the grocery store. I only had to pause in the isles a few time so as not to fall over. Lucky for me I live in a very eclectic area, so I wasn't exactly out of the norm.
I'm a big girl and I know how to take care of myself.
Its just sometimes you don't want to or don't want to have to.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Sticky
Here in Boston, we are in the middle of heat wave. It has be unseasonable warm the past 4 days and frankly, I'm sick of it. This is ruining summer for me.
Its taking me forever just to decided what to wear! What will keep me cool? What will mask the inevitable sweat stains that appear? What won't make me look like a sweaty, bloated whale? Its fun and I'm running out of options.
Last night at dinner with my brother, I was wearing a greet khaki skirt that hit maybe two or three inches above the knee for the second time in three days because my wardrobe is that lacking and we were in a vinyl booth. All was fine and dandy until we went to leave and I got up and it felt like all of skin on the back of my thighs had been left on the vinyl. I was positive there was an audible ripping sound which then cause me to shriek in pain and my brother burst into laughter and pushed me out door before I could cause a scene, since my eyes were pricked with tears. It was embarrassing and very VERY painful. Stupid heat, stupid vinyl and stupid short skirt! UGH!
Its a little cooler today. I don't deal with heat well. Its right up there with close talkers and affection. I was almost reduced to tears this morning during my commute. The air WAS a bit cooler and there was a breeze so I managed to make it to the station with minimal sweating, and I figured it was a victory because when I got on the train it would be air conditioned. I figured I would be cool, my hair would stay strait and I wouldn't look like a wilted flower when I got to work. The train and I got to the station at the same time and I stepped aboard waiting for the cool air to hit my face and I was hit with a wall of HEAT! To my great dismay the heat was on in the train car, or the air just wasn't working and blowing hot air instead. Either way, it was effing hot and I was miserable. I sat fanning myself and unsticking my shirt from my back for the whole ride and I could pretty much hear my hair frizzing. I only let my eyes water before I blinked them back. I was very distressed though.
Sigh... summer is here! It should be cooler next week. I'm hoping this week was a fluke.
Its taking me forever just to decided what to wear! What will keep me cool? What will mask the inevitable sweat stains that appear? What won't make me look like a sweaty, bloated whale? Its fun and I'm running out of options.
Last night at dinner with my brother, I was wearing a greet khaki skirt that hit maybe two or three inches above the knee for the second time in three days because my wardrobe is that lacking and we were in a vinyl booth. All was fine and dandy until we went to leave and I got up and it felt like all of skin on the back of my thighs had been left on the vinyl. I was positive there was an audible ripping sound which then cause me to shriek in pain and my brother burst into laughter and pushed me out door before I could cause a scene, since my eyes were pricked with tears. It was embarrassing and very VERY painful. Stupid heat, stupid vinyl and stupid short skirt! UGH!
Its a little cooler today. I don't deal with heat well. Its right up there with close talkers and affection. I was almost reduced to tears this morning during my commute. The air WAS a bit cooler and there was a breeze so I managed to make it to the station with minimal sweating, and I figured it was a victory because when I got on the train it would be air conditioned. I figured I would be cool, my hair would stay strait and I wouldn't look like a wilted flower when I got to work. The train and I got to the station at the same time and I stepped aboard waiting for the cool air to hit my face and I was hit with a wall of HEAT! To my great dismay the heat was on in the train car, or the air just wasn't working and blowing hot air instead. Either way, it was effing hot and I was miserable. I sat fanning myself and unsticking my shirt from my back for the whole ride and I could pretty much hear my hair frizzing. I only let my eyes water before I blinked them back. I was very distressed though.
Sigh... summer is here! It should be cooler next week. I'm hoping this week was a fluke.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)